Satire  Published 11 hours ago

Honest Mistake: Robert Kurzban Thought His Class Roster Was a List of Cute Singles in the Area


Photo by Biruk Tibebe / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Robert Kurzban, the Penn psychology professor currently in the news for having romantic relationships with his students, has finally given an explanation for his actions.

The reason he pursued so many of his students romantically, he said, was because he thought his class roster was actually a list of cute singles in the area.

Suddenly, things make a lot more sense.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

​OP-ED: If We Had More Reading Days, Maybe More Penn Students Would Know How To Read


Photo by Grant / CC BY 2.0 

Penn has the fewest reading days in the Ivy League. It should come as no surprise, then, that Penn’s literacy rate is so low.

By adding as many as six reading days in their calendars, other universities demonstrate a sincere commitment to reading.

On the other hand, Penn has shown a symbolic disregard for reading, which might explain why the student literacy rate has plummeted to less than 60 percent.

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Satire  Published 16 hours ago

Meet the Degenerate Who Pre-gamed His Professor's Office Hours


Photo by StockSnap / CC0

Saturdays may be for the boys, but Fridays are for FNCE100 Professor Joe Harris’ office hours.

Neil Bergeron (W ’20) might have mixed these up just a few days ago.

“Anything goes for pre-games nowadays. Frat parties, downtowns, parades, UA meetings, you name it. So I thought, why not do it for office hours as well? There’s no way anyone else has tried that,” Bergeron explained.

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Satire  Published 16 hours ago

OP-ED: I'm a Member of One of the Mendicant Orders Founded in the Twelfth Century. Stop Appropriating My Name for Your Senior Society.


Photo from MaxPixel / CC0

I’m a friar.

No, not like you senior club presidents who use my name (as if you could come close to deserving it). A real friar.

To those who are confused, let me spell out the differences for you.

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Satire  Published 16 hours ago

Junior Boy Featured in 'My Strange Addiction' Ecstatic for Hey Day


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

Michael Coyle (C ’19) is just like any other junior. He spent the fall sweet talking recruiters in Saxbys, the winter feeding his blossoming alcoholism in order to cope with the stress of school, and the spring enjoying the sunshine on College Green.

However, Coyle has a secret that makes him different.

Coyle pesters the mailman each and every day for packages, in hopes of finding one with his name on it. No, not because care packages from his mother are that revolutionary, but because he longs for just a nibble of a single packing peanut to get him through the day. Coyle religiously takes home his leftovers from restaurants. No, not because he has budget-friendly practices as a young adult, but because his midnight snack will be the to-go box.

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Satire  Published 16 hours ago

OP-ED: I Demand That The Class Board Provide a Boneless Hey Day Hat


Photo by the Daily Pennsylvanian

I think it’s high time that we resolve one of the few issues ruining an otherwise idyllic lead-up to Hey Day 2018. Class Board 2019 claims to be trying to unify the junior class under one big family, but their pathetic set of Hey Day hat options is telling a totally different story. I found it wildly inconsiderate that they didn’t even try to accommodate students’ dietary restrictions, but honestly, the lack of a boneless hat choice is the biggest slap in the face. All I want is a medium-rare hat, sans tibia, but it looks like this year I’m all out of luck.

In a desperate search for some answers, I sent the administration an email voicing my complaints and demanding that something be done to fix the gross negligence being put on display, but I was simply told, “Understandable, have a nice day.” It’s honestly heartbreaking that the University can claim to be invested in student wellness while at the same time doing absolutely nothing to handle one of the most serious issues on campus.

I want to be able to rest assured that when I take that first big juicy bite of Styrofoam that’ll probably end up in a trash vortex in the Pacific Ocean by the time I graduate, I won’t choke on a big old hat bone. But thanks to Penn, I might as well be leaving my life up to a coin toss.

Satire  Published 04/25/18 12:36pm

Shocking! Girl Who Begins Every Text With Lowercase Letter Is Actually Not Chill at All


Photo by Sammy Gordon / The Daily Pennsylvanian 

Sophomore Allison Jackman begins all of her texts with a lowercase letter. While it comes off as chill and casual, Jackman actually uses it to compensate for her abrasive attitude.

In an interview with Under the Button, Jackman said that she loves to catch people off guard once they think she’s a relaxed free spirit.

“People think I’m completely chill and really down to earth, but actually, all of my texts are more calculated than anyone could possibly imagine. I know what I want, I get what I want, and all these bitches who buy into my lowercase texts are just pawns in a game of chess rigged in my favor.”

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Satire  Published 04/25/18 12:34pm

Yikes! Classics Major Tries to Get Laid by Quoting Virgil


Photo by LithiumoxideCC BY-SA 3.0

In this day and age, it can be hard to find your footing when trying to convince someone to sleep with you in your twin XL bed, all based on the vague allure of an unsatisfying or faked orgasm. However, this didn’t stop James Fulton (C ’20) from trying an alternative method to lure a girl into his unsanitary dorm room.

Fulton is a classics major, so he decided to bring his education to life by shouting lines from Virgil at freshman girls stumbling home from a late-night. Virgil is not known for having happy endings in his poetry—his most famous female protagonist stabs herself in the chest and then throws herself on a pyre when her boyfriend leaves her—but Fulton has familiarity interacting with dead people and dead languages because all he does is weep into his Latin translation of Harry Potter. So, he figured Virgil was a good poet to choose.

Fulton began by stretching out his neckbeard and melodiously calling, “Latet anguis in herba,” which translates to “a snake lurks in the grass,” the snake being his shriveled penis. Next, he tried “Fit via vi”, or “force finds a way,” which fortunately was not understood by any passersby. After several hours of clearing phlegm out of his throat to make way for his Latin incantations, he left the scene and headed home to wipe his tears away with pages from the Metamorphoses.

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Satire  Published 04/25/18 12:33pm

Glow Up: Former High School NHS President Makes it to 9 A.M. On Time for the First Time in Months


Photo from Pxhere / CC BY 2.0 

College freshman Carmen Lieberman used to be quite the overachiever in high school. With the titles of NHS president, class treasurer, FBLA regional vice president, and honorary teacher’s pet under her belt, Lieberman came into Penn confident and ready to tackle both academic and extracurricular challenges.

Her enthusiasm manifested at the beginning of the year through joining several on-campus clubs (including a board position in the Penn Republican Society) and even working at an early-morning job. By the end of the second semester, however, Lieberman has been hit with “an overwhelming feeling of existential dread and a desire to aggressively juul anywhere and everywhere.”

On top of literally never having gone to her 7 a.m. job this entire semester, Lieberman has managed to skip her 9 a.m. lecture, where attendance is 10% of the grade, every day since the first week of school. “I really overestimated my ability to wake up before 1 p.m.,” she stated in an interview.

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Satire  Published 04/25/18 12:33pm

How to Stop Shouting 'No! Me Precious Morsels!' Every Time a Nature Valley Bar Crumbles in Your Hands


Photo by Renee Comet / Public Domain

Nature Valley granola bars are delicious, nutritious snacks, making them a classic staple of every busy college student's diet. The only problem with this portable delight? It inevitably disintegrates between your greasy fingers before you even get to the second bar. The next thing you know, you're shrieking in despair in the middle of Locust Walk. Yikes! Here are some quick tips to help you stop shouting "No! Me precious morsels!" like a grubby little troll every time your Oats 'n Honey crumbles in your hands. 

1. Figure out why this keeps happening in the first place

If you want to break the habit of exclaiming "No! Me Precious Morsels!" like a sad, little granola monster, you need to get to the root of the problem. Ask yourself: "What is causing me to react this way?" Maybe it's because feel irritable when you're hungry, or maybe it's because your mother was very emotionally withholding during your childhood and you still haven't worked through the deep fear of inadequacy that her psychological torment left behind. Once you figure out why you have such a strong reaction to the daily inconvenience of your crumbling granola bar, you can figure out what steps to take next.

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