Satire  Published 17 hours ago

Ouch: This Freshman Stepped on the Compass and Then a Grand Piano Fell on Him


Photo by David Maiolo / CC A-SA 3.0

At this point, most freshmen have taken their first midterm. Not Benji Zucker, College freshman from Tallahassee, FL. Zucker, whose class schedule is far easier than most of his classmates, has blithely floated through college life by turning in the occasional reading response and pretending to do his reading. Then, he stepped on the Compass.

There is a common superstition that a freshman who has not yet taken their first midterm will fail it if they step on the Compass, at the intersection of 37th and Locust Streets. Many have decried the urban legend as an invention by male upperclassmen to help them spot freshman girls. Whether you believe the myth or not, it'll be hard to believe what happened to Zucker next.

According to eyewitnesses, Zucker was crushed by an 1,100 pound Steinway & Sons grand piano just half a second after his foot touched the center of the Compass. Passersby were stunned by the earth-shaking impact of the piano, and baffled by its origin.

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

5 Fun On-Campus Activities to Help You Forget the Uncertainty and Despair Enveloping You


Photo by InSapphoWeTrust / CC BY-SA 2.0

Ah, fall. While the chillier temperatures and the sight of leaves changing color are certainly welcome, autumn is a bittersweet time for many Quakers. Many might find themselves feeling burnt out after an endless barrage of midterms. Many are dogged by the ruthless, all-consuming job search. Most have found themselves weeping gentle, resigned tears in a Van Pelt bathroom or two. And all have most likely asked themselves, pondering the ever-changing seasons and their helpless entrapment in the cyclical, incessant whirlpool of time: what am I doing here?

Here at Under the Button, we say "idk." But you're pretty deep in now, pal, and there's no time for you to start "soul-searching" or "looking for meaning." So we've compiled a list of five fun things to do to forget about the undeniable truth that no matter how hard you work or what internships you acquire, we are all simply victims of circumstance, hurtling deeper and deeper into the void.

1. Take a stroll down the entire length of Locust Walk. Look straight ahead and not at Huntsman Hall on the left. Isn't it beautiful? Life is beautiful. It's almost as if you didn't fail MGMT 001 last year. You're not ashamed, you whisper to yourself. You're not ashamed.

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

Hill Room 507 Named in Honor of Stingy Donor


Photo by Pixabay // CC0 

All Tim Peterson (C '85) wanted was to be memorialized in Penn history. He held Jon Huntsman, David Rittenhouse, and Ron Perelman in great esteem, and wanted to join them as a part of Penn’s campus. An alum of the University and a successful businessman, Peterson had exhausted all but one item on his bucket list: to have a building at his alma mater named after him.

Unfortunately, Peterson was never quite the "giving" type. As much as he liked the title of "philanthropist," he liked keeping his money in the bank even more. There was no way he was matching the hundreds of millions given by other generous donors, but Peterson was determined to get his name engraved somewhere on Penn’s campus. During his annual benefactor’s meeting, Peterson pledged more than he’d ever given: a whopping $2,301.78 for the University of Pennsylvania.

“They say three hour’s salary is pretty much good,” explained Peterson.

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Satire  Published 10/15/17 1:56pm

Wharton Genius Buys Every Basketball Jersey in Philly for Halloween


Photo by Anthony Shao / CC2.0

With Halloweekend just a few weeks away, Penn students are scrambling to bring together unremarkable “zombie,” “sexy librarian,” and “college student” costumes. But this time around, one Wharton junior is thinking outside the box. After seeing some of the other business ventures his fellow Whartonites were pursuing, Marcus Samuelson (W’19) identified yet another opportunity for arbitrage.

The idea struck Marcus while he was stumbling home from a costume mixer where 70% of the people in attendance were wearing Space Jam tanks. He vaguely remembered his Finance professor mentioning the board game "Monopoly" in one of the few lectures he’d attended that year, and, for some reason, the word felt appropriate. Then, as genius must have struck Einstein when he uncovered the theory of relativity, so too did it strike Marcus on that fateful night.

In that moment, he realized that if he could purchase every basketball jersey in Philly, he would have the Halloween costume market cornered on Penn campus. Students everywhere would be forced to buy their outfits through him or risk going to their Halloween parties in lame, non-basketball related costumes.

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Satire  Published 10/15/17 1:25pm

The War on Halloween: Students Protest Administration's Scheduling of Halloween on a Tuesday


Photo by 123freevectors / CC0

Halloween is under attack. At least that's what one freshman, Betsy Bertran (C '21) thinks. 

Betsy recently organized a protest calling out the administration's "War on Halloween." The Facebook Event for the rally had 20-30 freshman students "Going" with a staggering 200 "Maybes." Observers said that around 15 people showed up outside of College Hall wearing various superhero costumes and carrying Jack-O-Lantern protest signs. 

In the description for the event, Betsy laments the Penn administration's "organized attack on Halloween" by "scheduling the Holiday on a Tuesday, a day with classes." Betsy also started a petition to change the date of Halloween and/or cancel classes that day: "Whatever's easiest."

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Satire  Published 10/15/17 10:53am

"This Is a Shoes off Room," Declares Freshman Unaware of the Bodily Fluids Covering His Walls and Floor


Photo by Max Pixel / CC0

Bryce Williams (N’21) can’t stand a mess. If you’re a dust speck looking to make a home inside his room, tough luck. You’d have better odds trying to get into a consulting club. As a dust speck.

“I can’t believe some people let visitors track mud all over their rooms,” scoffed Williams, gesturing at the foot of his drawer where residue from dozens of years of drunk freshmen's vomit still remained.

“This is a shoes off room!” announced Williams with a slight hint of pride. “That’s how I make sure everything is neat and tidy.”

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Satire  Published 10/15/17 10:12am

Report: Penn Student Walking Down Locust in Yale Sweatshirt Either Really Smart or Really, Really Stupid


Photo By: Yale University / CC WikiCommons

PHILADELPHIA – Spotting what appeared to be an anonymous Penn classmate on Locust Walk donning a navy blue sweatshirt with the unmistakable "YALE"  lettering emblazoned across the front, some Penn students have concluded that the student’s choice of sweatshirt indicates that he is either very smart or very, very stupid.

“I mean, there are a couple options here. He was either going to go to Yale and couldn’t attend for some reason, but kept the sweatshirt he already bought... Which is totally reasonable and means he’s really smart,” said Sarah S. (W’19) when asked for comment. She continues, “Or he is literally unaware of what college he is physically at right now, in which case he’s pretty dumb.”

The student, seen walking to his classes that presumably take place at Penn and not in New Haven, CT, has mystified his fellow students. “I mean, maybe he’s a Yale student visiting, in which case he’s very smart,” theorized Jon P. (SEAS '18), “but I also see he’s attending classes and doing homework, which would just indicate he’s a huge idiot who doesn’t realize he’s at the wrong school.”

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Satire  Published 10/15/17 9:56am

Philomathean Society Communicates Via Messenger Pigeons Instead of GroupMe


Photo by Ukendt / CC0

Talk about "tradition"! Penn's oldest student group, the Philomathean Society, still uses messenger pigeons to communicate internally; meanwhile, other student groups today use GroupMe or a comparable platform invented in this decade for internal communications.

Despite its status as an oddity today, Philo's peculiar communication practice was all the rage in 1813 when the group was founded. 

The majority of Philo members expressed subdued enthusiasm about the preservation of the messenger pigeon method. They cited "mysticism," "quaintness," and "irony" as their favorite things about this ancient method.

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Satire  Published 10/14/17 3:52pm

The Five Kinds of Frat Bouncers


Photo by: nym // CC 2.0

Note: This list is not exhaustive and doesn’t include all types, but every bouncer is probably some combination of these.

Mr. Excuses

“I’m sorry man, but if we let you in, we will be violating Pennsylvania state fire codes. If we violate those codes, they’re going to pin the blame on me, and we might never be able to do this again for a long time. I sincerely apologi—you know James!!!? Okay, you can come in. But not you. Apologies, can’t violate those codes.”

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Satire  Published 10/14/17 1:44pm

Thank God! This A Cappella Group Just Released "Teaser" Photos for Their New Album


Photo by Collin Knopp-Schwyn / CC 2.0

Thank God! Penn's premiere a cappella group "Pitch, Please!"  just released teaser photos for their new album "Shine: A Cappella Gold."  This photoshoot seems necessary!

Prior to the release, campus was a-buzz with rumors about the group's upcoming album. 

"Will their color scheme be red and gold or red and blue? That's the question everyone's been talking about," said College sophomore Jen Allen.  Allen reported that she was glad that the photos set the record straight: the color scheme for "Pitch, Please!"s fall album is decidedly red and blue.  For the fourth year in a row.  How original!

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