Features  Published 47 minutes ago

Best of The UPENN Class of 2019 Applicants Group

On some random day 4 months ago (there were too many posts to scroll back) one Penn applicant created the “UPENN Class of 2019 Applicants” Facebook group, and managed to fill it with 1,400 members (including current Penn students…including us). 

We get that these young ones are excited to hear from Penn! We’ve ALL been there before– being anxious AF, hyperventilating in the corner, WILLING the clock to strike 5 post-meridian, and pouring every emotion into our respective Penn Facebook groups. 

And hey, we’re flattered! They think we’re the swankiest kids in town, and they’re right! But Penn students have a sense of humor and realistically, we take classes more seriously than we take ourselves, right? It happened to us, it’s happening to them, it’s the circle of life ladies and gentlemen. And it moves us all.

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Features  Published 20 hours ago

What Your Finals Food Says About You

We're in the thick of it, Quakers: Thursday is only two days away, but damn, does two days seem like Such. A. Long. Time. Luckily, for your procrastination pleasure, we've rounded up all the "food" you've been eating this past week so we can tell you what it says about your sad and miserable lives. You're welcome!

  • Coffee from Mark’s Café: Nothing gets the Rosenparty going like some burnt ‘n bitter coffee from Mark’s. You hate Finals, and they hate you right back :)
  • Panini from Starbucks under Commons: Congrats! Studying for Math 104 has turned you into a legitimate psychopath.
  • Egg Sandwich from Bridge Café: Even during Finals, you still exercise good sense.
  • Pizza from Commons: You have 76 meal swipes left, and two days left to use 'em. Throw in some Goldfish-topped salad while you're at it!
  • Hill Brunch: That French Toast represents your last beacon of hope to make it through this week...not that you will, anyway.
  • Global Fusion Stir Fry: Sorry, but eating (questionable) "international" food will not help you get an A in Intro to IR. 
  • Chipotle Burrito Bowl: Splurge on the guac, because it’s Finals Week, and you deserve it.
  • Red Velvet Pancakes from Green Eggs: LOL, what Finals? You'd choose your lineage over your Linguistics class any day of the week. Plus, those 54 likes on your Insta will give you a much-needed ego boost.
  • Capo Giro White Chocolate Gelato: You're so upset about the downward trajectory of your GPA that you've forgotten how cold it is outside.
  • Vodka Soda from Smoke's: Not even Finals can get in the way of your SWUG lifestyle.

Happy stress-eating to all, and to all love and light!


 Published 12/16/14 2:39pm

Wharton Demands An Entire Hour Of Community Service: A Finals Time Hoax

Once again we're reminded that we have some REAL tricksters at this school, and admittedly, talented ones. They wanted to pull a finals prank. They wanted to cause uproar and confusion. So they did what us other students would only DREAM of doing/wish we had thought of first. 

They created a Wharton community service requirement. A ONE HOUR community service requirement. 

The worst part? Community service isn’t really something to joke about doing tbh, and the fact that there was backlash about one hour of it? Not what we like to see.

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 Published 12/16/14 12:54pm

Chabad Hosts Menorah Lighting With Mayor Nutter – Okay, so we know it’s aaaaallll the way on 30th Street BUT there will be copious amounts of free food to nurse your stress and (hopefully) a giant-ass Menorah. We’re not saying it’s the most SABSy place, but if you’re in transit, bored, or procrastinating at 3:30 p.m. TODAY, it could be nice to drop by!

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News  Published 12/15/14 4:49pm

Hoodie Allen (Possibly) Gives Out Marketing 101 Notes

Hoodie Allen, notable white rapper and not-30-best Penn alumni has a lot of followers on Twitter (even though we've been supporting him since Bagels and Beats). 571,000 to be exact, 95% of them consisting of hormonal teenage girls who tweet back frantically at anything he posts. With a Wharton degree and time spent working at Google, Hoodie is any Jewish grandma's dream. And, when he's not hanging out with notable ginger singer, Ed Sheeran, he even has time to give back to Penn students. So dreamy!

While we don't know if Hoodie ever sent out his Marketing 101 notes, we still find the above interaction quite hilarious in light of the last time we profiled Hoodie on Twitter. Stars, they're just like us – especially when they graduated only four years ago.

UPDATE: Alas, Hoodie confirms he couldn't access those notes from his past life as an academic.

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 Published 12/15/14 2:00pm

Penn Doctor Is Bored With Real Diseases, Makes Up Scarier Ones

Let's be honest, magical realism is the second best literary genre behind I SPY books. As notable marealies (a cool shortened nickname we invented), we were super siked to learn that Penn oncologist Vikram Paralkar is spending his time not researching and treating patients with rare blood cancers, but rather inventing weird, scary diseases that probably came straight out of his nightmares. 

Paralkar's book is titled The Afflictions, drawing influence from the various disgusting diseases most people who wear Affliction shirts suffer from. The book describes ailments such as an amnesia that causes everyone to forget about you and other things we are too scared to even type out. If you want to see a sample or read reviews on the book you can find it here. We recommend it; whatever you end up reading is probably less terrifying than your finals.


Features  Published 12/15/14 10:00am

The Penn Finals Bingo Card

Like most things in life, finals week can be reduced to a game of chance played on a pre-printed 5 x 5 matrix. So since you're procrastinating anyway, go ahead and print out this page, cut out the card, and play! Good luck!


Chasing Amy  Published 12/15/14 9:01am

Elite A-Gut SABSed With Bradley Cooper At The Eagles Game!

BREAKING: If you didn't hear, Amy Gutmann attended last night's Eagles game...and solidified her spot on the City of Brotherly Love's A-List. That's right, Madame President sat in the owner's loge box directly behind the one and only Bradley Cooper! 

A-Gut did bring along her elusive hubby, Michael Doyle, but she's totes ignoring him in favor of cozying up to the Hollywood hunk and Philly native. We can't blame her. Perhaps Bradley's courting Amy G to accompany him to the Oscars – we know he loves bringing older women as his date (whilst dating younger ones). While we're desperate to know what the two schmoozed about, we're mostly just grateful that the blonde bombshell's proximity to Bradley got her in the frame of the paparazzi shots she's always wanted deserved to be in. Check them out in gif form here – we can't look away.


Features  Published 12/14/14 10:43pm

Things That Are Worse Than Finals, Seventh Edition

Ugh, finals cannot get it. 'Tis the season for the most miserable time of the year, which somehow immediately precedes the most wonderful. It's Sunday night and the end of paper writing/exam cramming seems forever away, whether you're finishing tomorrow or Thursday. But, hey – for your procrastinatory pleasure, UTB will take off its cynic's hat and look on the bright side of life

Without further ado, the seventh volume of our biannual series presenting ten things that are, in fact, worse than finals:

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News  Published 12/14/14 4:15pm

Business Insider Kindly Reminds Us That Donald Trump Went To Penn

Business Insider recently released a list of the "30 Most Successful UPenn Alumni Of All Time," and like most other publications who write about us, their research (we use that term loosely) proved superficial and not groundbreaking all.

Like, did you know that Ben Franklin founded Penn? And that John Legend was in a mysterious "jazz a cappella group" while he was a student here? And that Ivanka Trump is Donald Trump's daughter, and they both went here? GET OUT.

Seriously, the folks over at Business Insider really missed the mark with this one. Most people on the list are just the same Wharton type over and over. We get it: Penn produces a lot of entrepreneurs. But why no mention of Vanessa Bayer? Or Whitney CummingsOR THE GUY WHO COINED THE TERM 'WASP'?

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