Satire  Published 5 hours ago

Fossil Free Penn Demands All Elderly Professors Be Fired


/ Wikimedia Commons

Fossil Free Penn is a controversial organization. Many students support the group, whose goal is to encourage Penn to divest from fossil fuels and reinvest some of its money in clean energy. That said, plenty of students and alumni are frustrated by Fossil Free Penn. Their requests are described as unrealistic or financially unwise by some, and their protests are sometimes derided.

The group's latest protest is drawing some attention. Fossil Free Penn made waves with their boldest demand yet: fire all the elderly professors ("fossils", so called) at Penn. The group demonstrated outside Huntsman Hall, and held signs with slogans like "OLD PEOPLE = OLD NEWS" and "FIRE ALL FOSSILS". 

We talked to Mitch Shotkin, a member of Fossil Free Penn, to better understand their request. "We realized that we were being too specific, missing the bigger picture," he said. "It's not just fossil fuels that we dislike—it's all fossils. The elderly professors here are taking up space, speaking slowly, and taking advantage of their tenure to prevent younger, more qualified professors from getting teaching positions."

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Satire  Published 9 hours ago

Penn Dining's Meatless Mondays Are Bankrupting Sweetgreen


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn Dining sent a thrilling email to students Friday afternoon revealing their long-awaited “Meatless Monday” lunches at dining halls. The Sweetgreen line, full of Canada Geese and Stan Smiths, instantly vanished as word of Meatless Mondays flooded students’ inboxes.

Why even consider buying a Harvest Bowl or Guacamole Greens salad when bean-based delicacies like “Green Beans with Tomato”, “Spinach and Bean”, and “Three Bean and Pasta” are at your disposal at Commons today? Why be seen outside of Frontera when you can be seen inside New College House’s picturesque dining hall? Why subject yourself to a strange scale of light, medium or heavy dressing when you can drown your salad in unpleasant, viscous ranch on your own? Sweetgreen’s unnecessary, massive new wall for online orders and mild hot sauce simply can’t compete with Penn dining halls’ revolutionary Tapingo app and wide array of gourmet condiments.

While a Sweetgreen representative failed to disclose the exact date of their closure, sources tell UTB it is "whenever the bad-pun chalkboard is gone for good." 

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Satire  Published 11 hours ago

Girl Scouts to Set Up Shop Outside Bio Pond


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

It’s common knowledge that Penn is well known partially for the excellence of our business school, famous for its esteemed faculty and more recently, according to the New Yorker, as the school where President Trump did a “stint.” But Wharton students are basically amateurs in comparison to the real business gurus of the world: dominant in the dessert industry and the movement for American obesity, Girl Scouts have got us all exactly where they want us.

But they know where we want them, too. Strategically, there is no better place to find hungry, vulnerable, confused college students—the optimal target for GS cookies— than the bio pond. The next time you happen to be hanging out at the bio pond, don't worry about bringing a granola bar or three clementines. Smoke Girl Scout Cookies, then eat Girl Scout Cookies. 

The Girl Scouts are expected to set up shop in Q2 of 2017, in time for warmer weather. Sources from Girl Scouts of the USA report that Girl Scouts will be stationed, with chaperones, outside the bio pond late into the night to engage with the greatest number of potential customers. 

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Satire  Published 01/21/17 4:40pm

This PennApps Project Will Send You a Text Every Time a Door Opens on Campus


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

In 1946, researchers at Penn’s Moore School of Electrical Engineering developed ENIAC, the world’s first general-purpose digital computer. The milestone is hailed as the beginning of the global computer revolution.

Now, in 2017, a team of four Penn students at PennApps are continuing the University’s pattern of innovation in computing by developing an app which sends its users a text every time a door opens on Penn's campus.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard about someone going through a door on campus and thought, ‘I wish I knew about that earlier,’” said project leader Johnny Wang. “The app is an incredible synergy of optimization, cloud-based machine-learning, funneling top-down inside-out conversion algorithms, and sixty other buzzwords.”

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Satire  Published 01/20/17 3:53pm

College Sophomore to Start Smoking Cigarettes Following Trump Inauguration


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

The election has claimed yet another victim. College sophomore Luca Alveoli has decided to take up smoking cigarettes in response to the inauguration of the 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump. 

UTB sat down with Alveoli to discuss this obviously unsafe life choice. He told us that the decision has been a long time coming. "This past year and a half has been absolutely abysmal," he lamented. Alveoli removed a pack of American Spirits from his pocket, lighting one and offering us another. "This country is in a tailspin and we're all going down, I might as well enjoy myself while it lasts," he continued. "Is this all that remains of the American Spirit?" he asked aloud, to no one in particular, while inspecting his cigarette.

He took a drag and instantly looked more relaxed, and also more cool. Alveoli presented us his reasons, saying, "Bowie's gone, we shot Harambe, Green Day released another album, and we just swore in an orange fascist. I deserve this cigarette. I need this."

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Features  Published 01/20/17 12:48pm

Club Penguin On The Issues: The Affordable Care Act

This week on Club Penguin on the Issues, we tackle healthcare reform. Since this is more of a private matter, penguin UTBforlife decided to hit the igloos and engage in more intimate chats with the voters. 

The first igloo was decked out in star patterned couches, strobe lights, and an unnecessary amount of lava lamps arrayed in an indiscernible pattern. It’s safe to say that penguin Reeseo (the owner of this lovely abode) comes from wealth. Or his parents bought him a Club Penguin membership. Either way, it was therefore difficult to strike up a conversation about the necessity of universal healthcare. UTBforlife politely complimented Reeseo’s residence and continued the canvassing elsewhere.

The second igloo’s owner was missing but he graciously left his igloo unlocked for any Club Penguin users to stroll in. How refreshing! It’s a shame West Philly residents aren’t this trustworthy. UTBforlife and Gaby1001 immediately struck up a deep conversation about the potential repeal of the Affordable Care Act and what this means for Americans looking for insurance. The conversation began when Gaby1001 sent a heart emoji and UTBforlife replied “what about those who can’t afford heart surgery?”. Gaby1001 then took her puffle pet and left. Ah, how it feels to make a difference in the minds of young voters long after it is too late.

Satire  Published 01/19/17 4:34pm

About Time: Penn is Building a Sound-Proof 'Yelling Room' in VP


Students spread all over campus to study, with Van Pelt Library on College Green being one of the most popular places to work.

Photo: Dp File Photo

Van Pelt is not exactly a comfortable place, but the library is about to get a whole lot more student-friendly. Penn has announced plans to construct a sound-proofed room on the first floor on Van Pelt. Taking the place of periodicals, which had previously inhabited the area, the room is designed to provide students a private, intimate place to yell, scream, sob, or make a throaty "ughhhhh" sound in despair.

Librarian Michael Albin told UTB that students had been asking for "a place to let out some frustration without disturbing" their peers. As such, the room was designed to block all sound from entering or leaving the room. Padded surfaces, a large textile sculpture in the center of the room, and soft seats were all selected in order to capture and dampen the sounds of overworked CIS majors bellowing obscenities about code.

Students seem excited overall about the new room. "I just used to go in the bathroom and scream into a wad of paper towels, but now it's easier. It's more environmentally friendly, too, because I don't have to use up all those towels," Wharton junior Amanda Baker told us. "It's a win all around."

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Satire  Published 01/19/17 3:31pm

Please Allow Guns on Campus So We Can Shoot Grizzly Bears


What will we do if these start showing up on campus?

Photo: Jean-Pierre Lavoie / Wikimedia Commons

This is an official request for permission to carry and use firearms on campus to prevent grizzly bear-related injury or death. We are not sure who is in charge of setting campus firearm policies, but we trust that the proper officials will read this. Please, allow us to defend ourselves against all the grizzly bears we see each day, roaming Locust or hibernating in GSRs. Thank you Betsy DeVos for championing this cause and helping us make Penn a safer place. 

Satire  Published 01/19/17 11:46am

Russia Already Won PennApps

Russia has been winning a lot over the past year and now they can add PennApps to the list! Penn's semiannual hackathon, which starts tomorrow, has already found its winner thanks to the Kremlin. UTB has been granted exclusive access to reports from various University offices, which all agree that Russia has been interfering with PennApps throughout the past few months to ensure victory. 

Initial reactions to the findings have been polarizing to say the least. Many students on campus are extremely upset, calling justice for what they see to be a clear violation of the integrity of this long standing Penn establishment. Students on the other side of the ideological spectrum are denouncing the upset Penngineers as "sore losers" or "snowflakes" who need a safe space to write their code. 

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Satire  Published 01/18/17 3:49pm

Obama to Grant Clemency to Lorenzo Bonfiglio During Final Days in Office


Lorenzo Bonfiglio

/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

Yesterday, the DP reported that alleged Castle arsonist Lorenzo Bonfiglio was given probation after pleading guilty to two charges: recklessly endangering another person, and criminal mischief — tampering with property. This marks the ostensible ending to a long legal process, in which Bonfiglio's preliminary and pretrial hearings were pushed back at least nine times and his 22 original charges were dropped to two.

Today, his case takes another surprising turn: President Barack Obama has announced that he will grant clemency to Bonfiglio. With only two days left in office, this will likely be one of his final acts in the Oval Office. This development comes among a string of sentence commutations for high profile prisoners including Chelsea Manning, an Army intelligence analyst responsible for a massive and consequential data leak, and Oscar Lopez Rivera, a militant and controversial Puerto Rican nationalist.

Bonfiglio, a U.K. native sentenced to three years probation, may seem an odd choice for clemency. Obama acknowledged this in an exclusive interview with UTB: "Yes, I believe he has a job and has still made it to Owls events. Yes, he managed to push his trial back time and time. But he's suffered enough."

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