News  Published 6 hours ago

Houston Nails Their Breakfast Muffins

There are a lot of things that can ruin your morning, like trudging to 8:30 a.m. recitation or bumping into last weekend’s DFMO on Locust. But nothing is probably worse THAN FINDING A LITERAL NAIL IN YOUR BREAKFAST MUFFIN. Yes, that’s correct. An unfortunate Penn employee found a whole nail in a Houston muffin. This was likely an accident, but we can’t help but think: was this foul play? Maybe Houston is in fact testing out a new nail-flavored muffin? Maybe this was just a wedding proposal gone wrong! Whatever the case was, this definitely wasn’t the getting nailed we had in mind.  

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News  Published 7 hours ago

This Job Search Description Will Make You Cringe

Congratulations, you now have the privilege of tutoring a ninth grader whose achievements easily surpass yours. This "precocious, motivated" 14-year-old will be taking a year off of her intensive high school curriculum to study in one year what you will probably take 4 years at Penn to do. For an unbeatable 10 bucks an hour, you get the privilege of being blessed by a 9th grader's scholarly knowledge of the Great American classics...via Skype. If you are a Penn student with a high level of pretentiousness, perpetual desire to be around annoying people, and inexplainable amount of free time despite the fact that you, too, are currently pursuing academia, then this is the job for you. Oh, and just a reminder: your tutee is bilingual and tri-cultural, so don't forget to take a visit to Sao Paulo and brush up on your Mandarin a little bit before accepting this job offer — you want to avoid potential for an awkward power dynamic.

News  Published 02/25/15 5:57pm

5 Reasons To Be Excited For William Street Common

Note: This is NOT Commons' attempt at rebranding. This is a brand spankin’ new restaurant opening tomorrow on 39th and Chestnut. We know there’ve been a lot of new restaurants opening recently, so here’s five reasons why William Street Common is special:

  1. They offer maple-glazed snack bacon. YES that’s a real thing and YES we foresee ourselves post-mating it to VP in the future.
  2. Their $5 flat-rate drink menu means you can brag to your parents about how frugal you’ve been recently.
  3. The prix-fixe brunch comes with unlimited coffee and donuts. We’re already excited about all the Penn Police we’ll be seeing there.
  4. The vintage arcade means that you can recreate scenes from Princess Diaries while surrounded by Philadelphia hipsters.
  5. And lastly, they enforce a no-tipping policy which basically means you never have to do math again.

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News  Published 02/25/15 4:19pm

Free pretzels outside HubBub-- Two really nice dudes from Philly Pretzel Factory are giving out free samples right now. By samples we mean big cups of warm, soft mini pretzels, not a measly pretzel bite (we see you Auntie Anne's). Get to 38th and Spruce before it's too late!

News  Published 02/25/15 12:17pm

Penn Dental Got A GoPro...And Made This

Perhaps seeking to prove that a GoPro does not in fact make everything look fun, Penn Dental made this video. With panoramas of a room filled with practice dental chairs and close ups of a needle entering a gaping mouth, we were intrigued, but mostly we were plagued by flashbacks of mental hooks scraping our gums, not to mention trying to pretend you're not crying because you feel weird that you're a twenty-year-old who can't handle a routine cleaning...just us?

Despite some exciting highlights (under faucet shots and a handstand) and the admirable enthusiasm of the videographer, we weren't sure who was less excited to be there – the students coerced into waiving to the camera, or you before your last root canal. Bottom line: Watch if you've always wondered what the hell happens in the dental school building. Do not watch if you've ever had a cavity. 

Features  Published 02/25/15 10:00am

Profs: They're Just Like Us! Facebook Stalking Edition

Think skipping lecture and watching it online instead exempts you from witnessing your professor's cringeworthy antics? Think again. After recording his lecture for BIOL-121, one professor forgot to turn off the screen capture, allowing us all a glimpse into his fascinatingly creepy personal life.

At approximately 57:55, the professor begins to intensely Facebook-stalk the inimitable "Public Figure" Tukufu Zuberi. But wait, it gets better. While engaging in said shameless act, the professor then begins to rock out to the iconic song "My Way's Cloudy" by Marian Anderson. You know how the old saying goes: finish giving a lecture, celebrate with a li'l Mary-Andy. 

This incident is actually quite comforting if you think about it, because it proves yet again that professors are just like us! They stalk people from which they have no less than six degrees of separation, too! And they do so while listening to obscure operatic music that they wouldn't want anyone else to know they really listen to!  

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 Published 02/24/15 4:55pm

Adrian Chen Knows Internet Culture Better Than You And Will Tell You That Thursday

Adrian Chen, former Gawker writer and current editor at The New Inquiry is coming to speak on campus. Chen's writings examine the digital economy and networked digital platforms, examining parts of the deep web. He is famed for generating attention to the Silk Road, the place your frat bought your fake from, and also revealing the identity of a notorious Reddit pedophile. Chen's writings are quite frankly super modern and fascinating; he was writing about Bitcoinlivestream activism, and Anonymous all before they were cool. If anyone knows where the internet is going, it's Adrian Chen.

Chen will be speaking about social media sweatshops in the Philippines (click for time and location). We don't really know what that means, but it sounds ridiculous and terrible and hard to joke about. If you want to learn more, we will see you there Thursday!

News  Published 02/24/15 2:25pm

Tonight: Hill Corrupts Your Innocence With Résumés and Cover Letters

As if we weren't freaked out about applying for internships already, Hill really went for it with this possibly BDSM-themed résumé workshop. Maybe Anastasia should have opted for "new adventures on Capitol Hill, the Wall Street, bay name it," (unclear if we want this person editing our cover letters) instead of a lame internship in Christian Grey's sex dungeon (we can't all get Goldman). Anyway, thanks for sexily trying to save us from a summer spent on our parents' couch, Hill. 

News  Published 02/24/15 12:54pm

Mario & Luigi Take To Penn

In yet another iteration of the cast of Mario Brostaking over Penn, Mario and Luigi were recently spotted scootering around in Huntsman and dining in CapoGiro. All signs point to this being a promotional stunt organized by Nintendo as a way to create buzz for the upcoming Penn-themed game "Super Mario OCRKartParty 3." Sources say this gaming experience will feature the plumber-twin heroes Mario and Luigi facing: inexplicably icy brick paths, Moncler-clad Koopa Troopas, battles royale with industry bosses at Capo coffee chats, Fro Gro shopping cart races down Locust, pesky frat-boy Goombas, short-lived feelings of golden invincibility, and the opportunity to experiment with mushrooms at Fling. The goal will still obviously be to rescue Peach, and by Peach we mean a job in New York with a firm your parents can be proud of. Leave it to Nintendo to pull off such an elaborate promotional effort just to brighten our days! Or, you know, this could just be pledging — it's hard to say for sure. 

News  Published 02/24/15 11:33am

Misguided Campus Reformers Want To Sabotage Starbucks Perfection

Fact One: Starbucks under Commons is the absolute best. Fact Two: Starbucks under Commons doesn't have a lot of outlets. Fact Three: This doesn't matter, refer back to fact one. 

Unfortunately, some campus change makers want to fix Starbucks under Commons as if it has any problems. Yes, there are no outlets but this just serves as a natural flushing mechanism. No one should be allowed to camp out in Starbucks all day. It is the people's café; there shall be no seat monopolies here! You go to Starbucks to SABS, drink macchiatos, and secretly listen in on way too personal conversations. You do not go to Starbucks to be a seat hoarder and camp out all night like our younger selves before the final Harry Potter book.

So heed our warning and don't support this petition. The social conventions of Starbucks under Commons are set like fine gossamer, any small change will destroy the whole system. If you really want to use our tuition effectively, fix Commons; we heard that place is disgusting.

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