The White House recently announced that Malia Obama will be attending Harvard in 2017, after a gap year. This is great news for nobody, because Harvard is objectively the worst Ivy and hogs all the children of presidents. But it seems like her college plans are definite, so we can't do anything. What don't seem definite, however, are Malia's plans for the gap year – so check out the suggestions we've provided below.
- Close Guantanamo Bay: Her dad couldn't do it, but maybe she can. Please, Malia, rid us of the stain upon our glorious country that is Gitmo.
- Fill the White House with elaborate booby traps and pranks, in case a Republican gets elected: Ted Cruz looks like he should be one of the robbers from Home Alone anyway, so it's kind of fitting.
- Call a drone strike on Yale: She might not be at Harvard yet, but she'll only have access to the world's most powerful drone arsenal for a few more months. Better eliminate her future alma mater's primary rival while she can.
- Hit the gym and get big: Malia might just arrive at Harvard in 2017 looking "big as hell." Our analysts predict she could weigh in at as much as 180 pounds of pure muscle by the time of orientation.
- Put down the dang phone and read a book for once: Is it really so much to ask that you just read a book? One book? All you teens do is stare down at your phones and send texts to your friends. You know who you should text? Dostoevsky.
- Learn to play jai alai: Jai alai is a wild looking sport that Google describes as "like pelota," which isn't helpful because no one knows what the fuck pelota is. Anyway, she could probably learn to play it.
- Break the Guinness World Record for Most Toilet Seats Broken By One's Head in One Minute: Realistically, how hard can it be? If anyone can do it, Malia can. She's going to Harvard, after all.
- Call Amy Gutmann and personally apologize for not attending one of the nation's best schools: What, is Malia too good for us?
- Kill the witch tormenting my family and me: You have to help us, Malia. She's using her dark magic to punish us for speaking ill of Enrique Iglesias and we don't know how to break her curse. You have to stab her in the heart with a ginger root to free us from her spell.
- Invite Soulja Boy to the White House: His birthday is July 28th and we're sure he'd love to come crank dat at the White House on his special day. He asked Barack a few years ago (see below), but didn't seem to get an answer. Maybe Malia can put in a good word for the GOAT, Soulja Boy Tell 'Em.
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