Published 4 hours ago

ShutterButton: Racing To Registration

Ah, the good old days: back when no one cared about the environment, the patriarchy ruled, and getting the perfect schedule meant outrunning all your peers to get to the registration table first. Although we definitely wouldn't have made it to the front of the line and appreciate the fact that Penn has put less of a priority on pure brute strength, we do kind of miss the days when registration happened with actual people. Nowadays we're stuck messing around with Penn InTouch until AirPennNet craps out or we've accidentally signed up for six of the same recitation. Thanks for nothing, technology.

 Published 6 hours ago

Most Depressing Places On Campus, Volume VII: The Basement of McClelland

We're back with another edition of Most Depressing Places On Campus – it's not that hard to keep this feature going, because we all know Penn has no shortage of bleak spots. This week we venture beneath the warm, cheery walls of McClelland Hall to the eerily silent netherworld below.

There are two main reasons to be down here, and each one is equally depressing. You might be working out in the small, disappointing "fitness room," which is sad because the room sucks and does not lend itself to SABSing, like Pottruck does. Otherwise, you're picking up a package, and it's not like anyone other than Amazon or your mother ever sends you anything.

That said, the area is well outfitted with vending machines. If you're feeling thirsty after your short and empty workout, downing a soda is definitely the move.

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Features  Published 11/24/15 1:52pm

Non-Humans Of Penn, Volume II: The Dude On The WWII Memorial

"People think, you know, that I don't have feelings because I'm made of stone. But I'm sensitive. My facial expressions don't really change but that's just because I have RSF – Resting Statue Face. I have a lot of feelings. I care so much about the world. But I mean, I haven't always been this way... When I was younger I used to think being a statue meant being strong, stoic. But back in '55 or '56, I hit a turning point, or a shift in how I see myself, I guess. I just remember this girl sitting under me, crying after failing her first calculus midterm, and I felt like I was watching over her. I felt like I was protecting her. And I liked that feeling, it made me feel needed. 

So I guess I feel like that's my purpose in life – watching over the students at Penn. And I'm pretty content with that." 

 Published 11/23/15 10:21pm

Here's A Toast to the Dear Old Times

If you haven’t caught on by now, the New York Times loves us. From crossword shout outs to not-so-scandalous exposés to alerting the masses that yes, in fact, Hill is an pretty unpleasant place to live, the NYT has made Penn a mainstay in popular media. 

What’s our latest mention? In the wake of our Ivy League championship (which three of the eight teams in the conference share – a slightly disheartening statistic), the article details the thrilling history of our most “cherished” and “peculiar” toast-throwing tradition!

Assuming you’ve been on a campus tour – or a football game at the very least — the fact that we throw toast during the game isn’t exactly news. But the NYT shows us just how much there is to learn! Highlights include: 

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News  Published 11/23/15 2:00pm

TWO Penn Students Awarded Rhodes Scholarships!

It seems that Penn's Rhodes Scholar dry streak is finally OVER! Although Penn is constantly stacking up meaningless awards and rankings, this is certainly one we can all be proud of. 

Jenna Hebert (SAS '16) and Debi Ogunrinde (SAS, WH '16) have both been awarded the prestigious Rhodes Scholarship. Both will receive a scholarship to pursue master's degrees at Oxford next year. Jenna will be pursuing a masters degree in psychiatry, and Debi will be pursuing a masters in social anthropology and another in public policy.

While Jenna isn't being published in Frontiers of Neuroscience, this Phi Beta Kappa member is competing on the U.S. National Rowing Team and volunteering at the Philadelphia Adaptive Rowing Club, where she assists physically and cognitively disabled rowers. 

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Features  Published 11/23/15 12:59pm

What's HapPENNing?

Hello and welcome to the best week of November! Everyone's in a good mood it seems—we just became Ivy football champs, Honeygrow is now open, and it's a short week. That said, there's not much going on, but here are a few events to check out before Thanksgiving:

Penn Lens Guest Speaker Series: Steve Boyle

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News  Published 11/22/15 9:02pm

Tiffany Trump Talks About Donald On 20/20

On Friday night, Barbara Walters interviewed the Trump spawn about their father, hitting on the hard subjects, like his hair and his great (read: definitely racist) sense of humor. Described as “Trump’s Instagram-loving ‘mystery’ daughter,” Tiffany says that Donald is glad she didn’t inherit his hair, but we personally think things would be a lot more interesting if she did. Although Barbara did a stand-up job, UTB would just like to ask Tiffany: When are you dropping your next single? Is there potential for a Kayvon collab? Tiff if you're reading, feel free to send us your response (in bullet point form, Times New Roman, Size 12 font, 1.5 spacing) to

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Features  Published 11/22/15 5:00pm

Random Dude At A Party, Vol. 19

It’s RDAP time! Before heading off for Thanksgiving break we took a moment to appreciate the people we’re most grateful for – our drunk peers.

Hey Thanksgiving is coming up! What are you most thankful for?

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News  Published 11/22/15 2:30pm

Read This If You're Planning To Steal A Bicycle

A word of warning to all aspiring bike snatchers: Penn is getting tricky. 

As a way of catching thieves, Penn has begun setting out "bait bikes" in high-theft zones. These bikes are equipped with GPS and are set to notify police if they are moved. Evidently, Penn Police are 22 for 22 in arrests of bait bike thefts, meaning the suckers who are unlucky enough to steal a decoy are basically SOL. 

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News  Published 11/21/15 3:09pm

Comm Listserv Fails to Communicate...AGAIN

NOT AGAIN! Leave it to our communication aficionados (read: a certain Comm higher up) to send an email and immediately rescind it. This isn't the first email misstep to bring chaos and confusion, however. Had it not been for a speedy and calm "Correction....," this mistake could have proven costly. It's not as if anyone needs to be reminded that the most glorious gluttonous day of the year is almost upon us. Let's be real, aren't we ALL going to be off Tuesday and Wednesday?

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