Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Business Frat Makes Pledges Memorize Excel Shortcuts


Photo from Max Pixel / CC0

As fraternities across the country are being reprimanded for their brutal pledging tactics, one of Penn's business fraternities, Beta Iota Zeta (BIZ), has taken a slightly different approach to pledging.

Reports indicate that the business fraternity has mandated that their pledges perform a variety of grueling yet professionally enriching tasks. These include reciting a Goldman Sachs employment contract from heart, shaking hands with every human being in a five-mile radius of Penn's campus, and worst of all, memorizing every Microsoft Excel shortcut.

The fraternity claims that these tasks are designed to transform the pledges into better businesspeople and better human beings. "How the hell do you expect to survive in this world without knowing Excel?!" exclaimed Richard Wong (C '19), the current pledge-master of the fraternity. "No company would even dream of hiring you if you don't have these valuable skills. Well I mean, yeah, I guess they train you on the job for a couple weeks, but it's always good to get a head start, right?" 

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Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Meet the Girl Who Modeled for ‘The WALK’ One Time and Is Dropping Out to Pursue a Modeling Career


Photo by Jose Guolao / CC BY-SA 2.0

Before this past week, Jocelyn was just like any other Econ major: ready to take a soul-crushing job at Bain or Goldman and pass off her degree from the College as one from Wharton. But in the middle of her last semester as a senior, Jocelyn made the decision to cut her academic career short.

“It just kind of hit me that I’m, like, so incredibly beautiful,” she stated in an interview. “My girlfriend is part of The WALK, and she asked me to model for a shoot. And that’s when I realized I have a real potential for becoming a model. I mean, if she scouted me, I can get scouted by actual modeling agencies, right?”

While Jocelyn is enthusiastic about her modeling career, some of her friends have expressed some concern. “Ever since she modeled that one time, she’s been acting like we’re her maids,” a group of friends said. “She’s been bossing us around to get her coffee, do her makeup, and even promote her Instagram, which is mainly just black and white cafe pictures from her study abroad last semester.

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Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Classmate with Thin, Fancy Notebook Taking Better Notes Than You


Photo from BRRT / CC0

Furiously scribbling down every point the professor presents, the classmate to your left with the thin, fancy notebook is definitely taking better notes than you.

You, with your three-subject notebook for five classes, cheap mechanical pencil which smears when it erases, and off-the-shelf Walmart backpack, are not taking such clear and comprehensive notes as the classmate to your left, with her thin, fancy notebook, expensive Japanese pen set, and designer black bag.

She copied the diagram of the liver exactly as it was shown on the board—exactly, down to the colors of the arrows. You pulled out your phone and snapped a photo, slacker. When the professor launched into a new topic, she put away her pen and pulled out another one with a different color. You awoke from your brief nap upon hearing, “Let’s move on.”

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Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Econ 010 Lecture Is Just the Professor Saying 'Decentralized' Until the Entire Class Climaxes


Photo by COD Newsroom / CC BY 2.0

Our best reporters here at UTB recently conducted an investigation into this spring's Econ 010 lecture. We had hoped to cover an exciting course that encapsulated Wharton and gave us new insight into Penn's pre-professional culture, but instead we found an unsettling, strangely erotic place shrouded in secrecy.

“The first lecture, I was a little nervous about how the teacher would be–like, you know, whether she would be interesting or boring. But she spent the entire class saying ‘decentralized’ in different tones until we all orgasmed,” Jake* (W ’21) told us. "It was unlike anything I've ever experienced." 

Indeed, every class after that was exactly the same. After ten lectures of just the word repeated over and over again, students began to get worried about what the midterm would entail. The teacher had scheduled the exam for late February, and the date steadily approached. 

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Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Junior With Commitment Issues Abandons Food Truck After Making Small Talk With Owner Once


Photo by Vistor7 / CC BY-SA 3.0

You wouldn't think it, Penn’s food truck scene sort of serves as a metaphor for its hookup culture. Like most intimate relationships on campus, the noon lunch rush is characterized by plummeting standards, avoiding eye contact, and hyping up how good it was to all your friends afterwards. Unfortunately, one food truck owner seems to have caught feelings for a particularly devoted customer, and the consequences look dire.

When Liam Kelly (W ‘19) woke up in a daze last Friday morning after a particularly thirsty Thursday, he instantly knew that the only cure was a bacon egg & cheese from his favorite food truck. He texted in his order and started digging up exact change just so that he could maximize the efficiency of this particular transaction, counting down the seconds until he could devour the sandwich in all its cheesy goodness. Sadly the universe had other plans.

When Kelly arrived at the truck its atmosphere seemed different. For whatever reason, there wasn’t much of a line and the owner seemed almost jovial. Greeting Kelly with an enthusiastic wave and a warm smile, Hank Oswald, the owner of the cart, asked the junior how his semester was going and if he had any fun plans for spring break. Kelly, who up until that moment had assumed that Hank was just a sandwich-making automaton, was thoroughly horrified. Suddenly this purely transactional relationship was becoming something a little too real. Kelly stuttered through an answer about how he was keeping his options open and didn’t want to get locked into anything long term over the break.

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Satire  Published 03/21/18 2:02pm

‘I Really Want an Apartment in NYC With Exposed Brick and Granite Countertops,' Says Broke Senior Plagued by HGTV


Photo by JamesDeMers / CC0

Mariana Rodriguez (C ’18) landed her dream job for after graduation. Well, it’s not actually her dream job, because no actually dreams of being a consultant, but congrats anyway, Mari! She’s looking forward to truly live out “Penn, but make it NYC” a la Tyra Banks and Amy Gutmann.

And, you know what that means: searching for a living space on which you’ll spend the vast majority of your mediocre income! Growing up rocks.

Mariana is just too excited to find her dream apartment to go along with her dream job. She grew up watching HGTV and still occasionally binges “House Hunters” while drinking a bottle of wine by herself. Plus, she has the BIGGEST crush on the Property Brothers! They’re just so cute and silly.

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Satire  Published 03/21/18 1:58pm

OP-ED: Pledging is Bad But So Is...War? Is that a Good Argument?


Photo from Pxhere / CC0

So there have been a lot of hot takes the past few weeks about fraternity pledging and its benefits and dangers. While I know little about it, I still feel a burning desire for attention, so I will do my best to produce an opinion.

So here is my opinion. Yep. Here it is. Here we go. About to knock your socks off. Here. We. Go.


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Satire  Published 03/21/18 1:53pm

The Savvy Stoner’s Guide to Hotboxing a GSR


Photo by Warateens / CC0

Midterms are over, and it’s time for some much needed R&R. There’s no need to relinquish your standing 4 p.m. GSR booking, though. Instead of railing addy in your study room this week, take advantage of the cramped quarters and stale air of VP, grab a study buddy, and hotbox your GSR with these simple tips:

  • Leave the vape at home. Hotboxing requires a thick smoke to work properly.
  • Don’t cover the threshold. The more smoke leaks out, the more likely it is that the VP staff will experience a pleasant secondhand high and refrain from killing your vibe.
  • TV rooms are your friend. If you can finesse a Huntsman GSR, don’t forget to bring your laptop! An episode of Adventure Time is a great way to keep paranoia away and assure rubbernecking security staff that everything going on is wholesome and academically productive.
  • Grab an iced coffee at Mark’s. Cold beverages will lower the temperature of your mouth and prevent your clouds from rising up toward the smoke detectors. Just because midterms are over doesn’t mean you should forget your thermo! Also, you’ll need drinks for when pussy-ass Greg starts coughing.
  • Ash, ash, ash! No one wants the Library of Alexandria all over again.

Satire  Published 03/21/18 1:47pm

My Professor Still Hasn’t Learned How to Use the Projector, Please Don't Give Him a Gun


Photo by AlessandroSquassoni / CC0

The clock reads 10:33 a.m. My linear algebra professor stumbles in, wearing an oversized sweater and holding a Trader Joe’s tote bag full of decaying books. He glances at the clock, mumbles something incomprehensible, and shuffles to the podium.

In a thick, Czech accent, he gives a dry introduction to today’s topics and fires up the projector. Only, it doesn’t load. Dr. Prochazka gets down on all fours and fiddles around with the cords, and tries again. Still nothing. This process takes 45 minutes, until he finally gives up. Taking a quick glance at his slides, Dr. Prochazka begins painstakingly copying down the words, line by line, until the he makes recreates each slide from chalk.

It turns out, he’d been pressing the volume button to change sources on the projector. Classic rookie mistake!

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Satire  Published 03/21/18 12:40pm

Thought Your Job Search Was Hard? Meet the Junior Who Won’t Add Anything to Your Company


Photo from Pexels / CC0

Recent trends are clear: Millennials are not prepared for the workforce. More employers than ever are noticing that potential employees either have the technical training or the social capabilities for today's fast-paced work environment, but rarely both. Still, only the truly inept manage to have neither. Meet one of those guys.

Mark Roth (C '19) has nothing to add to the companies of his possible employers. Roth is a communications major who has a sweet start-up idea related to “socks,” but can’t tell you more than that for obvious reasons. A “bilingual” scholar, Roth can read Hebrew but has a 0% comprehension rate and has a fair bit of trouble with the “ch” sounds when reading aloud. His resume skills section includes “Excel” but when really pushed on it, he conceded he couldn’t utilize it in any greater capacity than as a digital “fill in the blank,” and definitely could not create functions with it. “I’m pretty good at finding topical memes, though,” he remarked.

Roth has little knowledge about big-picture concepts like the economy, foreign relations, and effective marketing strategies, in addition to struggling with smaller concepts like budgeting, using wireless printers, and knowing where commas go in sentences.

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