Features  Published 20 hours ago

Buying Condoms At Fro-Gro: A Guide

Buying condoms can be intimidating. Buying condoms at Fresh Grocer can be a living hell. They keep them behind the counter with the cigarettes, requiring you to ask for them and specify the exact brand and weird lubricant type that you prefer. The results can be devastating as the person behind the counter will most likely cock an eyebrow as if to suggest that the probability of you getting laid is rather low. That being said, UTB is happy to provide a few strategies that can minimize the anguish of the experience.

  1. Pretend to be on a very important phone call: Before you walk up to the counter, put your phone to your ear and very loudly begin discussing something vague but important. For an added touch, have a coffee in hand that you drink while the "other person" talks. Somewhere in the phone call, ask for condoms as an aside before quickly going back to your phone call. Here's some sample dialogue: "Listen, just buy it. Buy, buy, buy......well then sell it! I don't know! (Aside) Hey can I get a pack of extra-snug condoms? Thanks (end aside) Well you tell him that if the SEC wants to come crawling up my ass, they can bloody well do so...Hold on, the Dalai Lama is on the other line, I gotta take this."
  2. Disguise the purchase by also buying less-incriminating items: This one is a classic move. Before buying condoms, buy a variety of items to normalize the purchase and hide the fact that you only came in for condoms. Here's an ideal basket: an issue of Good Housekeeping, 1/2 pound of smoked turkey, black and white cookies, one two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, and a pack of Trident Layers. Feel free to customize this example basket to fit your personality! 
  3. Disguise the purchase by also buying an inadvisable amount of cigarettes: The condoms and the cigarettes are kept in the same place anyway. Reduce your embarrassment by buying a shit-ton of cigarettes. Buy at least three packs of each brand and type. This will distract the person behind the counter and make condoms look like a perfectly normal and responsible choice. Besides, it's finals season - you needed a smoke.
  4. Leave Fro-Gro and go floor-to-floor in Harrison hunting for free condoms: Fuck it. Get outta there and run to Harrison. Take the elevator to floor 5 and search the hallways for free condoms. Move up one floor and continue searching. Continue this process until all condoms are seized. 

With these tools, we at UTB are confident that you'll be able to score some rubbers. Good hunting!

 Published 21 hours ago

OZ Releases Holiday Playlist!

Just in time for winter break, OZ released their annual holiday playlist today! While one featured song might be known for some questionable content (seriously, a girl asking "What's in this drink?" while trying to leave is never good), it's a timeless classic as well as an OZ personal favorite. Check it out below!

Editor's note: This is satire but if anyone in OZ would like to share their real holiday playlist with us, please let us know at tips@underthebutton.com

 Published 12/06/16 12:49pm

Release Your Worries. . . So They Become Yet Another One Of The Environment's Problems

You may or may not have received the Facebook invite for the private event “Worry Balloon Release,” an event in which you “write down your worries on a balloon” and then release the balloons at 2:50 pm.

While it may be tempting to channel your inner Walt Disney and “Up” the fuck out of your stress, this isn’t the way to do it. 

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News  Published 12/06/16 12:39pm

ICYMI: John Legend Is Slaying Right Now

While you were stressing about what to wear to formals last week, alum John Legend was kicking ass: he released his newest album, Darkness and Light, this past weekend and was featured on the newly-released Hamilton Mixtape. Darkness and Light is Legend's 5th studio album, and also features last year's Fling headliner Chance the Rapper, Brittany Howard and Miguel.

As if that wasn't enough, John Legend has his own song on Lin-Manuel Miranda's Hamilton Mixtape, which came out on Friday. "History Has Its Eyes On You" will give you chills - Hamilfan or not.

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Features  Published 12/05/16 5:35pm

Failing UTB Bungles Bee Movie Meme Article. Sad!

Last Thursday, Under The Button published this piece regarding a Bee Movie/Amy Gutmann meme. At the time, we credited the Facebook page Penn For Dank Memes for bringing the meme to our attention. We did not know that we were making a such a journalistically irresponsible move.

Later that day, we were informed that the meme had actually originated from a member of the meme group Official Unofficial Penn Squirrel Catching Club, but had found its way onto the Dank Memes page, at the time without any information in its description. We cannot overemphasize how sorry we are in the aftermath of this blunder.

UTB and our step-dad The Daily Pennsylvanian went into full panic mode. We brought in various DP alumni from the many pillars of the journalism world to advise us on how to proceed. Our organization has since conducted a full post-mortem, and we are confident that such an error will never occur again. 

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News  Published 12/05/16 2:13pm

American Apparel Went Bankrupt So You Don't Have To

Add American Apparel, along with Cosi, to the list of bankrupt retailers around Penn’s campus. The company’s second bankruptcy this year means winding down operations and now massive sales on their overpriced, unforgiving, solid-colored, all-cotton clothing.

Convince yourself you’re going to Pottruck, then overshoot the runway and stop by to get 40% off regularly priced items and 70% off sale items. Let that cheetah print body suit be your fit inspo when you can’t stop taking whole packages of Oreos to the face while writing your final paper. Maybe even add to your growing choker collection, to give your wardrobe the edgy touch that was cool months ago.

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 Published 12/05/16 12:30pm

UTB Reviews "Shabbatones Presents: MilesTONES"

Fresh off their collab with Chief Keef, the Shabbatones performed their show MilesTONES at the Penn Museum this past Saturday night. The Shabbatones are Penn’s only coed Jewish a capella group, because more would be absurd. The group, which performs a wide variety of music from pop songs in English to pop songs in Hebrew, was founded 15 years ago by singers who were tired of performing songs that the audience could understand. 

Contrary to popular opinion the Shabbatones do not perform on the Jewish holy day of Shabbat, so they should really be called the Anytime-But-Shabbatones. Very misleading. Also, we can thank the Shabbatones for successfully killing the mannequin challenge and for creating this Buzzfeed quiz about themselves, which we sincerely hope is some sort of parody (but is most likely not).

Due to the fact that no one in Under the Button was present for the show, we cannot accurately pass judgement on its quality. However, we heard it could’ve used more instruments. And, in the pattern of most student performance groups, 90% of the audience congratulated their son or daughter on a job well done upon completion of the show.

Features  Published 12/02/16 3:04pm

President-Re-Elect Gutmann To "Drain The Swamp"

After extending her term (reign) as Penn's president, Amy Gutmann is making "draining the swamp" a cornerstone of her policy moving forward. To accomplish this, she plans to drain the Bio Pond and fill it with Washington insiders.

In a statement, Gutmann told UTB that, "this Bio Pond thing is incredible, it really is. The stoners, they go there, in big numbers, huge numbers, the numbers are really that big. They smoke weed. It's tremendous."

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Features  Published 12/02/16 1:38pm

What's With Asparagus?

What's asparagus's deal? What's going on?

It makes your pee smell weird, that's a fact. However, only certain people can smell it because, apparently, the ability to smell asparagus piss is genetic. What's with that?

Is it a grass? It's not not a grass as far as we can tell, but It does have some definite girth to it that is not shared by other grasses. How did we first go about eating it? Who looked at asparagus and went, "I should eat this monster grass." What's the deal?

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 Published 12/02/16 11:33am

QUIZ: Are You A Good Roommate?

Your roommate may suck, but are you any better? 

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