Published 18 hours ago

​Which Last Minute Summer Plan Are You?

Features  Published 21 hours ago

A Mid-Finals/Hump Day Treat

It’s already Wednesday and your outlook for the next couple of days is starting to mimic the eerily dim weather outside. But you know what Wednesday also means? That finals ARE ALMOST OVER! Soon, it’ll officially be summer and you can head home, relax, and enjoy time with family and friends. And from May 27th-30th you’ll be lucky enough to experience a marathon of 100 Disney Channel Original Movies. Remember when Troy Bolton tried to balance his love of basketball and his love of musical theater and his social life all at once??? Relatable, huh.

But we digress. Finals are tough. We read our notes over and over again and nothing sticks. We skip to the answers of our problem sets and say, “Oh, I definitely would have gotten that.” And writing papers requires more dedication than a Hungarian student at Penn rushing Owls. But in a couple of days, you’ll forget the difference between igneous, metamorphic, and sedimentary rocks. You’ll forget how to calculate the present value of a perpetuity. You’ll forget stressing about your grades and hopefully realize that finals are a tiny little microscopic thread in the XXL Snuggie that is your life.

Here’s the hard truth: You’ll do well on your exams, you’ll get that paper done, and you’ll think to yourself “why did I stress so much about that?”

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News  Published 05/03/16 8:21pm

Harnwell Is Flooded And It Looks Disgusting

If finals weren't bad enough, filthy water is raining down on Harnwell residents. Six inches of water has flooded the 7th floor and has made its way down to the lobby. Apparently, Harnwell residents are being sent to hotels to avoid the disgusting water. You should pack an umbrella and bean boots if you plan to go there later. Happy finals! 

Features  Published 05/03/16 5:16pm

Things Malia Obama Could Do During Her Gap Year

The White House recently announced that Malia Obama will be attending Harvard in 2017, after a gap year. This is great news for nobody, because Harvard is objectively the worst Ivy and hogs all the children of presidents. But it seems like her college plans are definite, so we can't do anything. What don't seem definite, however, are Malia's plans for the gap year – so check out the suggestions we've provided below. 

  • Close Guantanamo Bay: Her dad couldn't do it, but maybe she can. Please, Malia, rid us of the stain upon our glorious country that is Gitmo.
  • Fill the White House with elaborate booby traps and pranks, in case a Republican gets elected: Ted Cruz looks like he should be one of the robbers from Home Alone anyway, so it's kind of fitting.
  • Call a drone strike on Yale: She might not be at Harvard yet, but she'll only have access to the world's most powerful drone arsenal for a few more months. Better eliminate her future alma mater's primary rival while she can.
  • Hit the gym and get big: Malia might just arrive at Harvard in 2017 looking "big as hell." Our analysts predict she could weigh in at as much as 180 pounds of pure muscle by the time of orientation.
  • Put down the dang phone and read a book for once: Is it really so much to ask that you just read a book? One book? All you teens do is stare down at your phones and send texts to your friends. You know who you should text? Dostoevsky.
  • Learn to play jai alai: Jai alai is a wild looking sport that Google describes as "like pelota," which isn't helpful because no one knows what the fuck pelota is. Anyway, she could probably learn to play it.
  • Break the Guinness World Record for Most Toilet Seats Broken By One's Head in One Minute: Realistically, how hard can it be? If anyone can do it, Malia can. She's going to Harvard, after all.
  • Call Amy Gutmann and personally apologize for not attending one of the nation's best schools: What, is Malia too good for us?
  • Kill the witch tormenting my family and me: You have to help us, Malia. She's using her dark magic to punish us for speaking ill of Enrique Iglesias and we don't know how to break her curse. You have to stab her in the heart with a ginger root to free us from her spell.
  • Invite Soulja Boy to the White House: His birthday is July 28th and we're sure he'd love to come crank dat at the White House on his special day. He asked Barack a few years ago (see below), but didn't seem to get an answer. Maybe Malia can put in a good word for the GOAT, Soulja Boy Tell 'Em.

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News  Published 05/03/16 3:18pm

A Star-Studded Graduation

This year's graduation is going to be a little more exciting than in previous years – and no, not just because of the Commencement speaker

It has been confirmed that both Joe Biden and Donald Trump will be attending the College's graduation ceremony (Ed. Note: Did you know Tiffany Trump goes to Penn?) – and to top it off, "Penn will not infringe on protestors' freedom of speech." So if your parents aren't already stressing you out enough, now you'll have to navigate protesters on graduation day. Score!

Features  Published 05/03/16 1:24pm

QUIZ: Which Trump Are You?

News  Published 05/03/16 11:25am

Uber Free Cookies To VP Basement

Looking for new ways to procrastinate? Uber is allowing students to order a free pack of cookies to any of the sad study locations found on campus! Be sure to place your order TODAY between the prime hours of 9 p.m. and 12 a.m., but expect lots of buffering – Penn students like good deals.

Features  Published 05/02/16 5:13pm

QUIZ: Which Penn School Do You Belong To?

Which school within Penn do you belong to? We don't know! But you do! See if our quiz can guess the right answer!

News  Published 05/02/16 2:23pm

Welcome To Owls, Mr. Wharton!

It’s the end of the year and even the freshmen are jaded. It can be easy to lose your Quaker spirit when you’re scrambling to finish your dining dollars, making yourself (literally) sick on the food from Commons.

That is why at this time, we’d like to extend a big Thank You to this Hungarian pre-frosh aka Mr. Wharton aka THE IVY MAN. Seeing the enthusiasm of this extremely wealthy baby Quaker brings us back to a better time – one where, we too, drove around announcing our access to higher education.

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Features  Published 05/02/16 12:41pm

Watch This Hilarious Wharton Stereotype Sketch

Thanks to a UTB tipster, we've unearthed this sketch by Wharton Follies! You might be thinking, "oh what a great commentary that seeks to mock the unfair stereotypes of those poor, oppressed Whartonites." BUT the stereotypes are all too real. If anything, the sketch reinforces the stereotypes, only perpetuating the plight of the Whartonite. 

But who cares, because this sketch is hilarious! Take a study break and enjoy.

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