Satire  Published 20 hours ago

PRESIDENTIAL: Sophomore’s Health 'Excellent' Despite Tater-Tot-And-Four-Loko-Only Diet


Photo by Pixabay / CC0

After a heavy campaign from “the haters” and a long wait for answers, doctors from the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania released Abby Johnson’s (E '20) full Medical Examination on Thursday afternoon. Contrasting popular belief, the exam confirmed that “Abby’s health is excellent,” despite her diet, made up exclusively of Tater-Tots and Four Lokos, and no record of physical activity in recent memory.

“Haters” drove Johnson to go though the examination after concerns about her stability. “She started saying things that just didn’t make sense,” said Johnson’s roommate—former best-friend and now full-time hater— Rachel Greenwalt (W '20). “Just the other day she told me the best day to get lit was objectively a Tuesday before a math exam. I don’t think she even knows what she’s saying! Like, I would get it if she were talking about a Wednesday before a math exam, at least.”

Johnson’s primary physician, Dr. May Jacobs, shared that Johnson was a healthy young woman but, along with concerns surrounding diet and exercise, noted that her reference points in almost every conversation were the Kardashians. “It almost seemed like Abby grew up in a hole in the ground, and in that hole she was protected from all cultural and political touchstones except for the Kardashians. Her brain is working; it’s just filled exclusively with facts on the Kardashians.”

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

Freshman Who Set Snapchat to Celsius Over Break Still Has No Clue How to Change it Back


Photos (with edits by MJ Kang) by Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian and David Martin / Public Domain

With break squarely in the rearview mirror and students everywhere beginning to cobble together plans to visit warm beaches and exotic locations for Spring Break, one freshman must first grapple with technology in a situation reminiscent of a rejected Black Mirror episode.

Things were all fun and games for Anderson Robbins over Winter Break; he spent his free time road-tripping around the northeastern seaboard and snapping pictures of the great outdoors for all of his devoted followers on social media to see. While his Snapchat story was pulling okay numbers, deep down inside Robbins feared that he wasn’t putting himself in the best position possible to earn more clout over break. Some kids were posting bougie pictures from palatial Caribbean estates, while others were showing off the wholesome game nights they were sharing with their extended family. In comparison, not too many people seemed to give a shit about the blurry picture of some especially tall trees he had taken a few days ago. Luckily, inspiration struck Robbins as he sat in the backseat of his mom’s minivan, shivering softly in the 34℉ New England climate.

If people weren’t going to be impressed by the locations he was visiting they’d at least be impressed by the temperatures he was braving to get those shots, especially if they saw the number zero on their screens. Even though he was a red-blooded American who saluted his Imperial System conversion guide every night before bed, Robbins was sure that everyone he knew would be really impressed that he was vacationing in places cold enough to require both a coat and a hat. All throughout break Robbins sent out snaps showcasing the fact that he was braving frigid -2℃ temperatures, and the results spoke for themselves. “Like seven more people were watching my stories, and I even think Alexis from the third floor clicked on them a few times,” Robbins told us while profusely blushing, unaware of the fact that Alexis had accidentaly clicked on his story while drunkenly scrolling through Snapchat on New Year's Eve and unfollowed him soon after.

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

Student Claims Professor is ‘Amazing’ After She Goes Through the Syllabus for 50 Minutes


Photo by Priscila Kosaka / CC BY 2.0

First impressions are always important, especially if you are a 39 year old comparative literature professor without tenure. That’s why Dr. Ellis Dunham wants to make her class memorable. “The first class I try my best to go over the syllabus as painstakingly detailed as I can.” And it’s worked to win students over. It might only be the first week of classes but Callie Young (C ’20) already knows her COML210 professor will have a shining evaluation from her at the end of the semester.

“Even though she really just mentioned the dates of the midterm, I just know that she’s going to teach us political activism in the space of coastal literature like no one else before ever has.”

Students were on the edge of their seats, taking furious notes and copying everything down, from the regrade policy to the code of academic integrity. One College sophomore, however, stated that even though the professor’s discussion on the grade distribution was riveting, the actual class—not so much. “I wish every day was syllabus day,” he said, “it is much more interesting than all the other stuff about literature.”

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

Report: 75% of University City Chick-Fil-A's Profits Come From Rush


Photo from Wikipedia Commons / CC 2.0

According to a shocking statement released yesterday, 75% of the University City Chick-fil-A’s profits in January of 2018 came from Penn fraternity rush events.

Manager Nelson Manginelli said he was not surprised to hear the statistic. “I’m surprised it wasn’t higher, honestly,” he said.

“Most of the year, we get a fair amount of business. Some Drexel kids like to come to Chick-fil-A, and this guy named Markelle seems to really enjoy eating here,” Manginelli continued. “But then every January, a swarm of these nerdy boys who try to act cool just order massive amounts of stuff. I found out recently it’s for some type of Greek thing. A cultural show maybe? Not sure.”

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Satire  Published 01/18/18 1:12am

Plot Twist: This Wealthy Girl With Royal Ancestry Didn't Join Tabard


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Oh, sorority rush. A time for freshmen to explore new types of people and activities pick the group of friends most similar to themselves and accrue small talk skills for their future networking events at Bain.

This year, however, things were different. In a move unprecedented in Panhellenic history, a wealthy girl with family ties to the Dutch royal family decided not to join Tabard. 

Much to the surprise of those around her, Seinna Kensington (C ’21) joined Omega Alpha Kappa (known as OAK) this past Sunday.

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Satire  Published 01/18/18 1:03am

BREAKING: Student Asks 'How Was Your Break' After Seeing Friend For First Time After Break


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Michael Holland (C ‘20) had an amazing break. He made New Year’s resolutions, which he promised himself not to break, and finally finished the last season of Breaking Bad. He also broke his ankle in Egypt, which did hurt a ton, but gave him an interesting story to tell.

Holland was in the Hill breakroom when he saw a friend of his, Paul Cartwright (E '20), who he last talked to before winter break. It would be way too awkward to continue an old conversation, and he was hopelessly searching for something to break the ice.

“How was your break?” asked Cartwright.

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Satire  Published 01/18/18 12:36am

SHS Reports Removing Mic from Stand During A Cappella Show #1 Reason for Pregnancies at Penn


Photo By Ice Boy Tell / CC Share-Alike 3.0

Student Health Services, in its annual report of health and sexuality trends at Penn, has announced the leading cause of pregnancy among the Penn student body: removing the microphone from the mic stand during an a cappella show.

“We have found that winking, pointing, and, most evidently, silently removing the mic from the mic stand during an a cappella performance is considered highly likely to cause pregnancies among the audience and sometimes even fellow members of the group,” reads the report. “We recommend using and wearing protection if engaging in such risky behaviors.”

The reported listed additional high-risk behaviors, including showing everyone a sensitive side underneath a “too cool” exterior, hair flipping, and unironically liking John Mayer.

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Satire  Published 01/18/18 12:20am

‘Sorority Rush Sucks,’ Laugh Fraternities Competing for Approval of 18-Year-Old Boys


Photo by docmonstereyes / CC BY 2.0

A few days after sorority recruits were celebrating their bids, fraternity members were heard mocking the Panhellenic process while simultaneously competing for the approval of their 18-year-old male rushes.

“Sorority rushes have to wait in the cold and visit every organization on campus,” commented fraternity brother Thaddeus Wesley (C '20), immediately before attempting to impress a rush with his house’s new refrigerator devoted exclusively to Natty. “And the sisters sing incredibly obnoxious songs to welcome the rushes,” he said, raising his voice to be heard over the repetitive chanting "Chug! Chug! Chug!" and the sound of brothers coughing up liquor.

While sorority rush lasts approximately five days, fraternity rush often continues for over a week, giving fraternities ample time to show off to freshmen who refer to any alcohol in glass bottles as "fancy." Meanwhile, according to brothers, sororities barely get to know their rushes in their short time span. 

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Satire  Published 01/17/18 2:10am

OP-ED: It's Completely Unfair When Professors Cover Content in the First Class


Photo by WikimediaImages / CC0

You know what's more unfair than English House having only three washing machines?

Professors covering actual content during the very first class.

Expecting a gentle start to the new semester, I strolled happily into Stat 430 last Wednesday. After five minutes of introduction, most students had directed their attention to phones and laptops. Everything was just it should be on the first school day of 2018. Then, the unthinkable occurred: our professor suddenly began discussing probability theory. His lecture was drowned out by the deafening noise of 74 alarmed students rooting around in their backpacks.

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Satire  Published 01/17/18 2:07am

Report: 9/10 Study Abroad Students Won't Shut the Fuck Up About Studying Abroad


Photo from the Daily Pennsylvanian

A recent investigation showed that over 90% of Penn study abroad students talk about their traveling experiences for “overwhelmingly large amounts of time” in everyday conversations. Sociology professor John Phillips and his team of PhD candidates conducted the study on over 200 students who went abroad during this past fall semester.

According to Phillips, the aim of the project was to “either confirm or deny the stereotype that study abroad students will ramble about their experiences for extensive periods of time.” The findings, he says, were astounding. “We were shocked by how much our participants shared to our research time about their time overseas,” Phillips stated in an interview. “The first student we interviewed spoke for over an hour and a half about his fall in London, completely uninterrupted. We didn’t even have a chance to ask him any questions.”

The team found that the average length of uninterrupted speech by study abroad students was approximately an hour and three minutes. Research assistant and PhD candidate Delaney Wu reported that many students also started blogs during their times abroad. Almost all students, however, uploaded at least “three or more black-and-white photos of European cafés or pictures of children from impoverished regions.”

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