Satire  Published 4 hours ago

SHS Unveils New LaTeX Contraceptive For SEAS Students


Photo by: EmiliJ / CC0

In the face of turbulent healthcare laws, universities across America are making tough choices when it comes to birth control coverage. Faced with an ever tightening budget, Student Health Services must be more creative to ensure that Penn students can practice safe sex. Luckily, advances in modern science and text formatting are making it easier than ever to help students avoid having to make hard decisions. Never again will a specious allergy allow someone to weasel their way out of safe sexual practices.

In a stroke of scientific luck, the FDA has approved a series of new hormonal drugs for men and women aimed at reducing unwanted pregnancies. Unfortunately, there’s a little caveat. This experimental new drug has only been tested on people exposed to large amounts of computer radiation between the hours of 2 a.m. and 8 a.m. Those people have also preferably spent that time furiously typing haphazard and illogical proofs into Leslie Lamport’s 1985 revolutionary typesetting invention, LaTeX. Luckily, that’s where SEAS comes in.

Historically, engineering students have dedicated countless hours to mindlessly grinding away at problem sets until dawn, using LaTeX as a medium to organize the messy ramblings produced by their sleep-deprived minds. However, in a shocking turn of events, that soul crushing commitment to education can positively impact their sex lives. The drug, eponymously named LaTeX, is 97% effective at preventing unwanted pregnancies, an impressive number when compared to any other method besides the usual engineer’s 100% effective form of birth control, abstinence.

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Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Guy from Alaska: You Think This Is Cold?


Photo from Lee & Chantelle McArthur / CC0

Davis Orlando (E’ 19) is a proud Alaskan, and he wants other people to know it.

The Anchorage native has recently been spending his days going for outdoor runs in shorts and t-shirts, while the rest of Penn’s students and staff have been lamenting in the cold. He has recently started making fun of Californians for wearing Canada Goose jackets.

“I don’t know how you can possibly think this is cold. Where I’m from, this isn't even chilly. It's not even cool. How are you sad excuses of people going to survive in the real world?” Orlando asked. Our UTB reporter truly had no answer.

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Satire  Published 11 hours ago

Sorry, We Can't Accept You for Executive Board This Year. But Do You Still Wanna Come Over Tonight?


Photo from pxhere / CC0

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your application to our 2017 Executive Board. While we were extremely impressed by your application and your dedication to our organization, we had many competitive applicants this cycle. Unfortunately, we cannot accept you for a position on our executive board this year.

So, anyways, do you want to still want to come over tonight? I mean, I’m down. We’re doing initiation though, so I’m probably going to be a little drunk. Hope that’s cool. Oh yeah, and if you could not stay the night, that would be great.

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Satire  Published 11/18/17 10:44am

Penn Offers New CIS Class for People Who Want to Set up Personal Minecraft Servers


Photo by BagoGames / CC 2.0

With students everywhere anxiously waiting for the results of their advanced registration signups, the School of Engineering & Applied Sciences is looking to spice things up with a creative new class offering. 

The CIS 19X suite of half-credit courses have allowed countless budding programmers the opportunity to dip their toes into a language of their choice and this Spring Penn is going even farther in helping students acquire even more useful technical skills. The administration hasn’t always been the best at listening to its students, but in one elegant swoop Penn is looking to wipe away all the ill will it’s garnered this past semester by finally giving students what they want: a class that teaches them how to set up personal Minecraft servers.

The Penn experience is often characterized by stress and despair, but in a stroke of genius the Computer Science department has uncovered that the only thing people need in order to overcome Penn's all encompassing pre-professional culture and the myriad of mental health issues is the ability to construct their own 3D procedurally generated worlds, gather resources and build shelter with friends and strangers alike. The actual process of creating a server is a challenge that mystifies even the best engineers so Penn is providing a rigid learning environment that will teach even the least tech savvy students how to operate their own servers.

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Satire  Published 11/18/17 10:41am

4 Passive Aggressive Ways to End an Email


Photo from Pixabay // CC0

1. Respectfully

Signing off respectfully just means everything said in the email was insulting, and the writer wants to play it down. It’s pretty much the adult version of “no offence.” So, that email from your writing sem professor basically just said “no offence, but your lit review’s proposition is bifurcated.”

2. A Detailed Signature

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Satire  Published 11/18/17 10:39am

"Franzia is Bad," Declares Brave Freshman


Photo by Carlos Saldivia / CC 2.0

Most people are scared to speak up if it goes against the crowd. They agree with the masses and keep their opinions to themselves, even if they know they’re right.

Brandon Rodrik isn’t most people.

At a BYO for Penn Exclusive Club (PEC) on Friday, Rodrik was handed a box of Franzia’s Chillable Red wine. Having prior knowledge of Franzia’s clout among college students, and of the fact that things with Italian-sounding names are usually fancy, Rodrik was excited to take his first sip.

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Satire  Published 11/18/17 10:38am

Venmo to Replace “Remind” Button With “pay me back for the fucking Franzia, Daniel, it’s been two weeks”


Photo by MJ Kang / The Daily Pennsylvanian

We're all somewhat familiar with the "Remind" feature on Venmo: maybe you attended a BYO with a near-acquaintance and don't know them well enough to ask for your $1.37 back, or your roommate still hasn't paid you back for toilet paper and you're just too much of a wuss to confront them in person. But it's become clear that the "Remind" button is moderately effective at best. It pops up on your phone screen one time only, very faintly "reminding" you to settle your debts.

Developers at Venmo are tackling this issue head-on. Starting next week, an update to the app will change the "Remind" button to more aggressive and specific reminder messages. Martin King, a Wharton sophomore, is particularly thankful for the Venmo update. "My housemate Daniel crashed a pregame I was hosting with some buddies. That's fine and all, but he has to pay me for the alcohol I bought. It's been two weeks and he still hasn't completed my Venmo charge. This update allows me to get aggressive and stand my ground, which is something I struggle to do face-to-face," he told us. In Martin's case, the Venmo reminder will read "pay me back for the fucking Franzia, Daniel, it’s been two weeks."

Venmo is set to incorporate other options for the "Remind" button in the latest update, including "You still owe me $1 - chicken over rice is SIX DOLLARS now, remember?" and "Please complete my charge for our gas bill, our house is FREEZING right now!"

Satire  Published 11/17/17 5:20pm

Sophomore Collaborates on CIS Assignment, Now Facing Death Penalty


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Sophomore year was going well for Matt Johnstone (W '20), until he made a decision that changed the course of his life forever—quite literally.

The Finance concentrator was looking to learn how to code and opted to take CIS 110, Penn’s main introductory programming course. Penn’s computer science courses stress no collaboration; those who don’t adhere to the policy are dealt with without mercy.

Sometimes, though, the consequences might be a bit too severe: Johnstone is now facing the death penalty.

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Satire  Published 11/17/17 12:32pm

Student 'Loves Penn's Urban Setting,' Has Not Left Campus in Two Months


Photo from Flickr / CC BY-SA 2.0

Penn’s campus—beautiful, compact, and in the nation’s fifth-largest city—offers students an urban setting combined with a campus feel. In the heart of West Philadelphia, students have the unique opportunity of interacting with a diverse population of over one million. Together they share ideas, promote causes, and discover new interests. One senior says that this combination was a major reason she came to Penn. “I love the duality of an urban setting and an Ivy League Campus,” said Sara Knoell (C ‘18). "I try to explore it once every few years."

We asked Knoell to elaborate on how she has taken advantage of the setting. “The last time I went to the city was for a downtown about two months ago, I think.” Knoell claims to have thoroughly enjoyed the night out "in the city," although she only spent a minute outside of the Uber before making it inside the venue. Knoell went on to say that “living in a melting pot” has provided her with a diverse college experience and has exposed her to wildly new perspectives. When asked how the environment has impacted her education specifically, Knoell said that she “gets to be catcalled sometimes, while [her] friends at Dartmouth and Cornell can’t say the same.”

And while Knoell hasn’t seen much of the city just yet, she intends to rent a bike and go explore sometime soon. “Maybe I’ll go see a museum or two. Do we have any good museums?”

Satire  Published 11/17/17 12:18pm

OP-ED: Joe Biden Is Obsessed With Me


Photo by Shoshi Wintman and Pixabay (with edits) / CC0

Joe Biden. To many, he is one of the most inspirational progressives of our time. He was the 47th vice president of the United States, and with President Obama led the country on a fight for an America that worked for all her citizens. He has devoted his life to public service, championing causes like health care reform, gun regulation, and women’s rights. I agree that he's amazing, which is why I just think it's funny that he is OBSESSED WITH ME.

My name is Charlotte Andrews. I am a freshman at the University of Pennsylvania studying Medical Anthropology with a minor in Germanic languages, and Joe Biden, one of the most thoughtful and humble people in politics today, is obsessed with me.

Here are the facts:

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