Satire  Published 4 minutes ago

OP-ED: Joining LinkedIn Ruined My Life

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Photo by Tim Sackton / CC BY-SA 2.0


It all started out so innocently. It was freshman year; everyone was doing it. One night I finally gave in. “It was going to happen at some point,” I remember telling my friends. “It’s no big deal, guys.” And at first, it wasn’t. I copied and pasted in my resume and never gave it a second thought—until one day I logged in and saw it:

“INTERMEDIATE STRENGTH PROFILE”

Intermediate strength?! I go to THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA; no one tells me I’m mediocre. So I started connecting. I connected once, twice, three times a day—anything to get that rush of expanding my network. I stopped going to class; I stopped eating; I stopped sleeping. No time for that until I reached 500+.

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Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Freshman Romance Sparked by Shared Love of Film, Mutual Friend’s Alcohol Poisoning


Two freshman, Joe S. (W ’21) of Scarsdale, NY and Rachel W. (C ’21) of White Neck, NY have reportedly been seen together as a couple after discovering their shared love of film, as well as jointly experiencing their mutual friend Jeremy’s alcohol poisoning last week.

After flirtatiously knocking on doors, desperate for help with caring for his unconscious friend, Jeremy, Joe happened upon Rachel’s second story Quad double. “We had seen each other around, but he had never actually talked, said Joe. “I forget who talked to who first, but once we did we really quickly hit it off. We talked about Tarantino, Coppola, whether Jeremy had had anything to eat that day—just everything.”

“You know, I had no idea someone else loved Jackie Brown as much as I did. That was just so cool,” said Rachel about that first meeting. “I’ve also never been afraid I was watching a person die, so Joe has already broadened my perspective on life.”

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Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Damn! This International Just Got Deported for Not Complying with SHS’s Immunization Requirements


The fall can be a tough time for freshmen and upperclassman alike, thanks to the pressures of new classes and competitive club applications. It is especially a time of worry for those who have not complied with the Student Health Service’s (SHS) immunization requirements—those who do not comply by mid-October have their registrations put on hold.

Or worse yet, get deported.

That was the fate of senior Arjun Gupta (W ’18), who was told earlier today that he would not be allowed back to the United States.

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Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Junior Pretends to Be 21 to Get Free Sauerkraut at Campus Oktoberfest

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Photo by 089photoshootings / Public Domain


Today, from 5:30 to 8:30 pm, the senior class is hosting Oktoberfest on College Green. There will be music by Kweder and free food and beer for all seniors who are of the legal drinking age. What a nice time for everyone to bond and reminisce, right?

Junior Jasper Collins doesn’t think so. “I’ve been looking all over Philly for three years for the best sauerkraut in the tri-state area. Do you know how much money I’ve spent on finely cut cabbage? And these losers get to eat it for free just because they’re seniors? This is a form of ageism, and I will not stand for it.”

He knew what he had to do. Collins immediately ordered a new fake from IDJesus, borrowed his friend Jack’s Class of 2018 P sweater, and bought two large balloons in the shape of a 2 and a 1 and posted a photo of them on Instagram.

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Satire  Published 10/19/17 12:02am

Yogurt Parfait Review: Delicious, Until a Bug Flew Into My Mouth

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Photos from Pixnio (CC0) and Umberto Salvagnin (CC 2.0)


The Fresh Grocer yogurt parfaits feature a sizable quantity of vanilla yogurt topped with plump blueberries, tart raspberries, and a layer of crunchy granola.

The yogurt was smooth and sweet. Thankfully, it was not Greek yogurt, which I think tastes like curdled gasoline. The berries were plump, fresh, and added color to the presentation. The granola had a robust crunchiness, which prevented it from becoming soggy in the yogurt. Overall, it was a superb parfait.

Then a bug flew into my mouth.

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Satire  Published 10/19/17 12:01am

Breaking: Introductory Feminist Theater Professor Wants You to Call Her Cheryl

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Photo by Roel Wijnants / CCAttribution 3.0 Unported


A tale as old as time: you’re sitting in your first seminar for a new course and need to ask a question, but you stay silent because you don’t know how to address your professor. Should you call them Dr., Professor, or Mr. or Ms.? How do you pronounce their last name? Should you go with the classic “excuse me, Professor” or should you just yell “I have a question” into the void until your professor acknowledges you?

For students in this introductory feminist theater class, that classic conundrum wasn’t an issue. Professor Rosenblume, teaching the course “Ladies of the Stage: How the Vagina Monologues are Reshaping American Theatre,” immediately made it clear; she wants the class to call her Cheryl.

Rosenblume, a knit poncho enthusiast, wants students to know her seminar is a multi-current stream, with information flowing organically between all who inhabit the classroom space. “I need them to know I am with them, I understand them. I am here to learn from them. Mostly they are here to learn from me, but I am also here to learn from them.” Less important for them to know, she felt, was her reputation for giving out D's because students didn’t “dig into the unspoken truths of the text.”

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Satire  Published 10/19/17 12:00am

Student Doesn't Match With TA on Tinder, Has to Actually Work for Passing Grade

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Photo by Ahmed Aqtai / CC0


Jake Rogers (C '21) hates PSYC 001.

"This class is the bane of my existence," grumbled Rogers as he pored over his notes pre-midterm. "It's all memorization anyway, and it's just so boring." 

Rogers, in a last-ditch effort to breeze through the course with minimal effort, had previously attempted to match with his TA on Tinder in hopes that she would allow a burgeoning affair to interfere with her professional life.

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Satire  Published 10/19/17 12:00am

Medical Mystery: Penn Students Fifteen Times More Likely to Have ADHD Than National Average

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Photo by Tony Webster / Flickr CC 2.0


A new study has unveiled quite the medical marvel in Penn’s student body: Penn’s students are fifteen times more likely to have ADHD than students at any other University. Students are quick to point out that having a disproportionate amount of students with ADHD forms an extremely tight-knit community. When studying in the library, if a student forgets their Adderall at home, all they have to do is turn to their neighbor and they can be sure that they’re covered. No need to feel embarrassed asking—it’s a total no-judgement zone. 

Those affected by ADHD make up just 5% of the nation’s population and could potentially feel out of place elsewhere. At Penn, though, there’s no shame in taking Ritalin in the middle of the library. Everyone does it!

When we reached out to Mike Rosencrantz of Penn’s Admissions Department, he proudly boasted about the active student body, commenting that “it’s as if the students just can’t sit still!” Way to go, Penn, for successfully creating an inclusive environment where students are welcomed with open arms for using amphetamines to study. We just hope local pharmacies can keep enough Adderall on the shelves!


Satire  Published 10/18/17 11:59pm

Breaking: Freshman Realizes He's Been Sitting on Toilet Wrong His Whole Life

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Photo by chriskeller / CC0


Tom Camps (C '21) came to a startling realization this past Monday.

Tom has spent his whole life perching on the bare rim of the toilet, believing that the seat was just an odd accessory for women and children. Years of watching "situation comedies" where older men griped to their much more attractive wives about "having to put down the toilet seat" didn't raise any questions in his mind, but instead just served to reinforce his belief in his delicate balancing technique. 

His life came crashing down this very week when he discovered toilet seat covers in the Sixth Floor Bathroom in Van Pelt. His short break from leisurely reading (Freud, of course) while looking over College Green turned into an entire afternoon of questioning his entire life, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. He spent the time discovering the simultaneous beauty and terror of pooping sitting down. 

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Satire  Published 10/18/17 11:16pm

Heroic Student Buys a Meal Plan to Help Fund New Wharton Building

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Photo by Zachary Sheldon / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Daanyal Khouresh (N’19) is the kind of guy who can’t bear to see someone else suffering. When he heard that Wharton’s planned multimillion dollar building was running into some funding issues, Khouresh knew he couldn’t just keep quiet.

“The Wharton kids have suffered enough,” he related to our reporters. “We in Nursing have Fagin all to ourselves, it’s only fair that Wharton students should have a place to call their own”

When we asked him about Huntsman Hall, he looked at us blankly and muttered that he hadn’t really ever been west of 36th Street.

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