Satire  Published 13 hours ago

Plot Twist: This Wealthy Girl With Royal Ancestry Didn't Join Tabard


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Oh, sorority rush. A time for freshmen to explore new types of people and activities pick the group of friends most similar to themselves and accrue small talk skills for their future networking events at Bain.

This year, however, things were different. In a move unprecedented in Panhellenic history, a wealthy girl with family ties to the Dutch royal family decided not to join Tabard. 

Much to the surprise of those around her, Seinna Kensington (C ’21) joined Omega Alpha Kappa (known as OAK) this past Sunday.

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Satire  Published 13 hours ago

BREAKING: Student Asks 'How Was Your Break' After Seeing Friend For First Time After Break


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Michael Holland (C ‘20) had an amazing break. He made New Year’s resolutions, which he promised himself not to break, and finally finished the last season of Breaking Bad. He also broke his ankle in Egypt, which did hurt a ton, but gave him an interesting story to tell.

Holland was in the Hill breakroom when he saw a friend of his, Paul Cartwright (E '20), who he last talked to before winter break. It would be way too awkward to continue an old conversation, and he was hopelessly searching for something to break the ice.

“How was your break?” asked Cartwright.

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Satire  Published 14 hours ago

SHS Reports Removing Mic from Stand During A Cappella Show #1 Reason for Pregnancies at Penn


Photo By Ice Boy Tell / CC Share-Alike 3.0

Student Health Services, in its annual report of health and sexuality trends at Penn, has announced the leading cause of pregnancy among the Penn student body: removing the microphone from the mic stand during an a cappella show.

“We have found that winking, pointing, and, most evidently, silently removing the mic from the mic stand during an a cappella performance is considered highly likely to cause pregnancies among the audience and sometimes even fellow members of the group,” reads the report. “We recommend using and wearing protection if engaging in such risky behaviors.”

The reported listed additional high-risk behaviors, including showing everyone a sensitive side underneath a “too cool” exterior, hair flipping, and unironically liking John Mayer.

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Satire  Published 14 hours ago

‘Sorority Rush Sucks,’ Laugh Fraternities Competing for Approval of 18-Year-Old Boys


Photo by docmonstereyes / CC BY 2.0

A few days after sorority recruits were celebrating their bids, fraternity members were heard mocking the Panhellenic process while simultaneously competing for the approval of their 18-year-old male rushes.

“Sorority rushes have to wait in the cold and visit every organization on campus,” commented fraternity brother Thaddeus Wesley (C '20), immediately before attempting to impress a rush with his house’s new refrigerator devoted exclusively to Natty. “And the sisters sing incredibly obnoxious songs to welcome the rushes,” he said, raising his voice to be heard over the repetitive chanting "Chug! Chug! Chug!" and the sound of brothers coughing up liquor.

While sorority rush lasts approximately five days, fraternity rush often continues for over a week, giving fraternities ample time to show off to freshmen who refer to any alcohol in glass bottles as "fancy." Meanwhile, according to brothers, sororities barely get to know their rushes in their short time span. 

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Satire  Published 01/17/18 2:10am

OP-ED: It's Completely Unfair When Professors Cover Content in the First Class


Photo by WikimediaImages / CC0

You know what's more unfair than English House having only three washing machines?

Professors covering actual content during the very first class.

Expecting a gentle start to the new semester, I strolled happily into Stat 430 last Wednesday. After five minutes of introduction, most students had directed their attention to phones and laptops. Everything was just it should be on the first school day of 2018. Then, the unthinkable occurred: our professor suddenly began discussing probability theory. His lecture was drowned out by the deafening noise of 74 alarmed students rooting around in their backpacks.

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Satire  Published 01/17/18 2:07am

Report: 9/10 Study Abroad Students Won't Shut the Fuck Up About Studying Abroad


Photo from the Daily Pennsylvanian

A recent investigation showed that over 90% of Penn study abroad students talk about their traveling experiences for “overwhelmingly large amounts of time” in everyday conversations. Sociology professor John Phillips and his team of PhD candidates conducted the study on over 200 students who went abroad during this past fall semester.

According to Phillips, the aim of the project was to “either confirm or deny the stereotype that study abroad students will ramble about their experiences for extensive periods of time.” The findings, he says, were astounding. “We were shocked by how much our participants shared to our research time about their time overseas,” Phillips stated in an interview. “The first student we interviewed spoke for over an hour and a half about his fall in London, completely uninterrupted. We didn’t even have a chance to ask him any questions.”

The team found that the average length of uninterrupted speech by study abroad students was approximately an hour and three minutes. Research assistant and PhD candidate Delaney Wu reported that many students also started blogs during their times abroad. Almost all students, however, uploaded at least “three or more black-and-white photos of European cafés or pictures of children from impoverished regions.”

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Satire  Published 01/16/18 1:54am

'Broke' College Sophomore Gives iPhone X Two Thumbs Up


Photo from Pixabay / CC0 

Caitlyn Finnigan (C ’19) is so broke. Last night, instead of going to Chipotle with her friends, she had to stay in and make Easy Mac at home.

“Oh my god, I’m such a starving college student,” laughed Caitlyn. “Wait let me show you— I have like two cents left in my bank account.”

Caitlyn whipped out her brand new Space Gray iPhone X, complete with high-tech facial recognition, 5.8 inch OLED display, and luxurious glass screens, and pulled up her PNC mobile banking app.

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Satire  Published 01/16/18 1:47am

OP-ED: If the Penn Bubble Really Exists, Then Why Is It So Cold?


Photo by Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

I’m from Los Angeles where it is always 75 degrees and sunny and we all sit around the pool with an IV full of almond milk made from wild-caught, humanely raised, free-range almonds and wait to be cryogenically preserved at age 25.

When it came time for college applications, I knew I wanted a place with warm weather and rigorous academics and once I got rejected from Stanford I knew that Penn was the right choice for me.

I had heard Penn students talk about “The Penn Bubble,” stretching from 34th to 40th and Walnut to Spruce, time and time again. I eventually came to the conclusion that this infamous bubble was a massive, insulated dome covering campus, an ingenious way to protect Penn from the harsh temperatures of the East coast.

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Satire  Published 01/16/18 1:47am

Closed Fall 2017 Classes Finally Open for Registration


Photo by Manlu Liu / The Daily Pennsylvanian

If you couldn't get into a class you really wanted last semester, you're now in luck. According to a slew of recent Penn Course Notify emails, all Fall 2017 classes are now open! This is most helpful if:

  • You missed a class last semester only offered once every two years. Bonus points if you're now a junior or older.
  • You couldn't take an essential class for your major, thereby screwing up your four year plan and also your life.

Jane Maur (C '19), who had set up eight Penn Course Notify alerts last semester, was pleased by this unexpected but welcome turn of events.

"I didn't take a single major class last semester because all the ones I wanted were full," Maur said. "But now, I can retroactively register for all those fall classes I missed! It's a relief, since I'm studying abroad this semester and I'm not taking any major classes while hopping around Europe."

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Satire  Published 01/15/18 11:39am

Penn Astronomers Discover Moon is Actually Extremely Close and Just Very Small


Photos by Gregory H. Revera / CC BY-SA 3.0; Juan / CC0; Max PIxel / CC0 (with edits)

Researchers from Penn’s department of Physics and Astronomy made another groundbreaking scientific discovery last Tuesday when they concluded that, contrary to centuries of astronomical data, Earth’s moon is actually extremely close and just very small. This new theory flies in the face of long-standing beliefs regarding the size of and our proximity to the natural satellite.

“We were shocked when the data showed that an average-sized person could reach up and touch the Moon,” said lead scientist Kelvin Quinn. “I tried it, and…there it was. Right above me. It was incredible.”

Months of preparation went into the experiments, as the researchers knew any findings which depart from commonly-held beliefs would be heavily scrutinized. “You can’t just come out and say, ‘Hey, the Moon is roughly the size of a bowling ball.’ You have to prove it.” said Quinn.

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