Features  Published 19 hours ago

Things You Can Accomplish Over Fall Break

Good afternoon, friends! It is yet again Fall Break. In order to help you get the most out of your extended weekend, here's a list of all the things you can (and probably should!) accomplish over the next four days. 

-You could spend one full day pondering each of the four sides of a rhombus.

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Features  Published 10/08/15 12:48am

Staying In Philly For Fall Break? Here Are 10 Places You Should NOT Check Out

Happy fall break, Penn! If you're staying on campus, you've got four whole days to study for that Monday midterm explore sunny Philadelphia. Looking for things to do in the city? Try this awesome website. But if you're wondering what not to do over fall break, you've come to the right place. Here are 10 little-known spots that should stay that way.

1. The dumpster behind Civic House

One of the lesser known dumpsters on campus, this dumpster is one you shouldn't consider visiting over fall break because it is a dumpster.

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News  Published 10/07/15 1:09pm

SAE And APES Reach New Levels Of Desperation

We've all seen the plethora of frat events on Facebook, notifying us of parties that only slightly follow through on their promised themes. (Does anyone actually wear all-white to a frat house, anyway? That's just asking for trouble.) SAE and APES, however, have taken their advertisement strategies to a whole new level. 

Though one would expect tickets to practically sell themselves to a Halloween downtown – especially when it's at Rumor – these bros have decided to err on the side of caution. It appears they forked over some serious cash to Facebook to promote their event. Although this has just the slightest taste of desperationwho can blame them? This is honestly a really good way to prove that your LinkedIn profile, which lists one of your skills as "Facebook," is accurate. 

So go ahead and buy your ticket – it's not as if Halloween is in a month or anything. 

Features  Published 10/07/15 11:33am

ShutterButton: The Political Science Department Just Wants To Have Fun

Walk into Stiteler Hall and you’re guaranteed to see stressed out freshmen frantically searching for their Econ midterm classroom. In the midst of this chaos, however, the Poli-Sci department has created a sanctuary. We spotted this this Benjamin Franklin statue behind the department offices–clad in Penn apparel and carrying a Frozen lunch bag. With a look like this you can’t help but wonder if Ben has been taking styling tips from the "unbreakableKimmy Schmidt. Next time you find yourself scrambling around Stiteler just take a deep breath and challenge B-Frank to a "Let It Go" sing-off. 

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 Published 10/06/15 10:00pm

Gutmann, Furda, and the Philadelphia Brotherhood of Thieves, Part 2: The Exposition

Last week we introduced the first ever chapter of our brand new serial feature. Needless to say it was a thrillride. Now, here's chapter two: 

So of course I got into the car. Dean Furda slid in behind me. Wow, nice interior! I thought. "Is this calfskin?" I asked as I petted the back of the seat in front of me"

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News  Published 10/06/15 2:23pm

15 Things That Will LIKELY Replace Pizza π

Unless you have managed to avoid the Bridge of Broken Dreams for the entirety of this semester, you've probably noticed that Commons is undergoing...wait for it...construction! What an atypical thing for Penn to do!

This means saying a (sad?) goodbye to the eateries underneath our favorite dining hall. But MOST IMPORTANTLY, what is replacing Pizza Pi? We have our guesses. 

  1. Pie: Just lots and lots of pie.
  2. Pizza Pile: A pile of pizza.
  3. Another Starbucks
  4. Bon Appetizza
  5. A mini version of FroGro appropriately named FroGro2Go
  6. A huge LCD TV that takes up the entire space
  7. A SEPTA station
  8. A new BYO
  9. A food truck
  10. Ugh, more vegetables
  11. A medical marijuana dispensary (Amy G, any thoughts?)
  12. An Oxygen bar, because we need one
  13. A costume shop!
  14. A pizza shop for mice
  15. A new house for Skulls

News  Published 10/06/15 11:21am

Penn Study Proves That The Internet Just Got Worse

As if it wasn't already hard enough to maintain your social media presence, a study conducted right here at Penn says scientists can now tell how much money you make based solely on your Twitter

Starting now, on top of deciding whether or not to use punctuation in your tweets, you also have to determine what socioeconomic vibe you want to give off... According to the study, emotions are for poor people, and the haves whine about politics, while the have-nots complain about personal problems. 

So next time you feel called to subtweet the chick in your math lecture that's hacking up a lung, you might first want to ask yourself, "does this tweet make me look poor?" 

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Features  Published 10/01/15 2:24pm

Most Depressing Places on Campus Volume I: Mark's Cafe

Welcome to UTB's newest weekly feature, Most Depressing Places on Campus! We'll highlight the plethora of spots on our glorious campus to hit up when you want to feel dark and soulless. 

Our premiere Most Depressing Place is a familiar one, the grand originator of every Quaker's Van Pelt coffee shits. Mark's Cafe is hella depressing. 

First, the Mark's aesthetic is like if a school bus crashed into a spaceship, resulting in massive loss of life. The inexplicably yellow chairs and paint on the floor. The metal ceiling and tables. The screeching cries for help from the espresso machine. A beleaguered Bon Appetit employee yelling, "YOU FORGOT YOUR CREAM CHEESE, SIR."

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Features  Published 09/30/15 1:00pm

ShutterButton: The Gospel As Told By A Sketchy Van

The Pope may have skipped town, but he left his artful van (complete with "My Other Car Is The Pope-Mobile" sticker) on Spruce. Li'l Franny was spotted driving the van in the wee hours of Saturday morning, returning from a "sick" gig where he performed his new single. We suppose that he parked his van in West Philly to remind people of his sandal-wearing, gospel-spreading pal as he returns to the Vatican – leaving us with little more than a pile of "The Pope Is Dope" t-shirts in his wake. 

 Published 09/29/15 10:21pm

10 OCR Interview Tips That Are Actually Helpful

On-campus recruitment is upon us folks, and if you're reading this it's too late to pretend you don't need our help. OCR interviews can be make or break, so we've put together some advice that's actually helpful—not like the fluff you get from career services. Enjoy.

1. Shake your interviewer's hand with a uniformly applied pressure of 2.75 Newtons per square inch and your elbow at 110°.

2. Avoid asking "what company is this for again?"

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