Features  Published 10 hours ago

Top 10 Reasons Why I Just Can't With Sophie Right Now


Photo by Maxpixel / Public Domain

Sophie was my best friend freshman year, and is one of the best people I know. We are now roommates. Here are the top 10 reasons I honestly just can't with Sophie right now.

1. She’s just not the same. 

a. You know when people change? I just feel duped. 

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Satire  Published 10 hours ago

This Teen Returned a Lost Wallet With $1500 Inside Because He's Rich and Didn't Need It


Photo by Pixabay / Public Domain

Faith in humanity = restored.

Josh Arlok, a 19-year-old Wharton sophomore, found a wallet with $1500 in it just sitting in a Huntsman classroom. Cold, hard cash. Most people would have just taken the money and gone on with their day, $1500 richer. Not Josh.

Instead of stealing the money, Josh found the student's ID and tracked him down to return the money. We checked in with the Huntsman Hero to see why he did what he did.

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Satire  Published 10 hours ago

The 5 Best Places to Masturbate on Campus


Photo by Daderot / Public Domain

5. A carrel on the 4th floor of Van Pelt - Nothing says “study break” like some good old-fashioned self care. The depressing noise of the air conditioners and the endless stacks of books make for great privacy, and if you're lucky, you might even get a spot with a window and a scenic view of College Hall. 

4. Any bathroom in the Quad - One of the more well-known spots on campus, the Quad bathrooms are a classic location for freshmen and seniors alike. Whether it’s your first time or you’re taking a stroll down memory lane, there’s something comforting about knowing that everyone jacks it in the Quad bathrooms. Besides, worse things have gone down those drains.

3. Insomnia Cookies - Snack n' whack. They're not going to let you behind the counter, but they're open until 3 AM. 

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Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Heartbreaking: Professional Bartender Serving Cheap Beer at Registered Parties


Photo by Kasra Khadem / Public Domain

It is no secret that many people have been impacted by Penn’s new task force and its stringent policies. Countless students have complained about the rules regarding alcoholic substances, and the mandatory use of bartenders and campus-sponsored staff at all parties. But perhaps no person has been hit harder than Charles Reynolds.

Reynolds has spent 50 years of his life perfecting his bartending skills. Trained at the prestigious European Bartending School of Berlin, Reynolds has worked as a bartender in Michelin-starred restaurants across the world. Now, however, his career has hit an impasse; as he has been chosen as a Penn-approved bartender to work various registered events.

“This is honestly ridiculous,” said Reynolds. “I’ve spent my entire life crafting complex, elegant drinks, and now the only thing I serve is Natty Lite. I didn’t go to bartending school for this shit.”

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Satire  Published 09/23/17 1:38pm

Wharton Junior Destroying Amy Gutmann in Game of Tag


Photo By Phil Roeder / CC 2.0, edited

“It’s not even close, to be honest,” Jeffrey Windom told us of the game. “Amy has been ‘it’ for over two years now. I’m starting to think she’s given up!”

It had all started during Jeffrey’s freshman year at Penn. When he saw Amy Gutmann for the first time on campus, she had been walking down Locust Walk with a group of administrators. Jeffrey had heard about her elusiveness on campus, but he was determined to ensure that this would not be the last time he and Gutmann interacted during his time at Penn. Thinking quickly, Jeffrey had hatched a brilliant plan - he would start a game of tag! If President Gutmann was anything like most of his Wharton classmates, she would be willing to do whatever it took to win the game. As a result, she’d have to continuously interact with him until she was able to successfully tag him back and run away.

As Jeffrey is a pretty bright guy, all of this occurred to him within the 25 seconds between when he had first spotted Amy and when she had nearly gotten to where he was standing. Despite the fact that he was wearing a suit and tie and holding a backpack full of all of his textbooks, just in case, Jeffrey’s impressive agility and spring-like reflexes allowed him to run toward her, tap her on the shoulder, yell “You’re it!” and run away before she could even react. It was a perfect execution of a perfect plan.

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Satire  Published 09/22/17 11:58am

Abroad Student Appalled That European Cafès Are Not in Black and White


Photo by Daisy.Chain / CC BY-SA 2.0

When I came to Europe, I was craving to experience all that the continent has to offer: easy travel, rich culture, weird ketchup, IKEA, and the true staple of European life, the Cafè. 

The Cafè, in stark, grainy black and white and thick as a stone with the smoke from a hundred French cigarettes. Slow piano jazz and the occasional mourning saxophone fills the air. An old man in a white linen suit smokes a cigar and nurses his gin. Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and Stein are in the back room chasing absinthe with Veuve. I knew that this exact scenario was awaiting me on every corner of every city, from Milan to Paris. 

When I hopped off the plane from JFK, I breathed in the fresh, Italian air and made a beeline for the center of town. I knew that the quintessential European Cafè was waiting for me, and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on an authentic double-mocha frappuccino with 3 Stevia’s and extra whipped cream. I could already taste all those ingredients masking the flavor of my coffee. I was ready.

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Satire  Published 09/22/17 11:31am

Unicycle Rider Finds Loophole to University Bike Policy


Photo by MJ Kang / the Daily Pennsylvanian

When Harry Riley (SEAS’19) moved off campus, he immediately bought a new bicycle. Although the main reason for Riley’s purchase was because his friends were really tired of hearing how long his trek from 41st and Spruce to the Engineering Quad is, he also wanted everyone to see how cool his hair could look blowing in the wind.

“I have really long, luscious hair and I’ve always wondered just how magnificent it would look as I flew countercurrent to the High Rise wind tunnel. It’s always been a dream of mine,” said Riley.

Riley, known equally amongst his friends for his ridiculous whims and for his negligence, had failed to read the University’s policy on bikes. As of 2014, the official Penn bicycle policy is that bicycles must be walked on campus pedestrian pathways between 8:30 am and 5:30 pm Monday through Friday and during other periods of heavy pedestrian traffic. 

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Satire  Published 09/21/17 6:43pm

Here Are the New University Guidelines on Social Events


Photo: Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn's administration recently unveiled its new set of guidelines for social events, in the wake of heavy criticism regarding events being shut down. The guidelines are reproduced in full below. 

1. All student groups must register any event they are holding, thinking about holding, or have ever held.

2. Registrations must be submitted at least four years prior to the event.

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Satire  Published 09/21/17 4:34pm

Philosophy Major Fails Statistics, Doesn’t Know Probability of Getting Job


Photo: Pixabay

Senior Julie Bryson, (C '18), says her Intro to Statistics is her “least favorite class ever.” This might be because she is on track to fail.

Bryson is a Philosophy major and a strong believer in existentialism, the freedom to define one’s own meaning in life. “This stats class is just a stupid requirement and has no meaning in my life. So I never go.” Bryson says she believes all statistics are fake, anyway. “A steady income after graduation will just distract me from discovering who I really am.”

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Satire  Published 09/21/17 2:39pm

Spotted: Seniors Playing Spikeball in Crosswalk While Cars Yield


Photo: Seth Fein, Elvert Barnes / CC BY-SA 2.0 (with edits)

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