Satire  Published 6 minutes ago

BREAKING: Biopond Turtles Feel Incredible Today

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Photo by Tiffany Pham / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Today is a really good day to be a biopond turtle.

Sources report lethargic turtles sunbathing on rocks, munching on plants, and jamming out to Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. This may sound like ordinary turtle behavior, and that’s accurate. Being a turtle is a pretty chill life. However, biology student Peter Mullen (C ’19) describes observing shocking new behavior: turtles staring at their weird, wrinkly, stubby little legs and laughing.

“In all my year studying turtle behavior, I’d never heard a turtle make any noise before,” said Mullen. “I couldn’t make any sense of it. That said, I was pretty stoned when I made the observation.”

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Satire  Published 1 hour ago

Penn Students Now Bandwagon Fans of Every Philadelphia Sports Team Except the Phillies

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Photo by Keith Allison / CC BY-SA 2.0


There was a time when Penn students cared about Philadelphia’s sports teams as little as they cared about Penn’s.

But then, a solid defense and a backup quarterback with a funny name propelled the Eagles to win the Super Bowl. Suddenly, Penn students revealed en masse that they had loved the "Birds" since finding out about their Penn acceptance, and would always support the team.

Now, with the 76ers in the NBA playoffs, hundreds of students have come out of the woodwork to admit that they have always loved the team, and were happy to see it succeed.

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

New Deli at Franklin's Table Bites the Bullet and Names Itself 'Product of Gentrification'

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Photo by MsSaraKelly / CC BY 2.0


Franklin’s Table recently opened at 36th and Walnut, and it has already drawn criticism from the Penn community for its steep prices and inaccessibility to locals.

A new deli popping up at the food court has decided to capitalize on this, and will call itself “Product of Gentrification,” with several menu items playing on that theme.

One such item is their “Town and Gown Turkey Club,” in which light meat is inside of the sandwich, and darker cuts are strewn about the plate carelessly.

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

​Fraternity Filthy Rushes Class of 2022

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Photo by Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Fraternity rush is competitive. There is only a finite number of perfectly preppy boys to go around. That’s why this year some brothers have been going to Quaker Days, where they are on the lookout for any future students that have that to-be swagger.

However, there are way more future Quakers than there are brothers, and too many people for the frats to adequately get to. As a result, fraternity brothers have gotten creative in their methods of advertising their organizations to potential rushes.

Laurence Cooper (C '19) of fraternity Alpha Alpha Alpha (also known as AAA's) has infiltrated the ranks of the tour guides in order to directly promote AAA's. He treats most the job as a regular tour guide would—stopping at Van Pelt, explaining the toast throwing on Franklin Field, and giving students a sneak peak of what the outside of their quad dorms will look like —but when the group passes his chapter house, Cooper goes into a long speech about AAA's reputation as the social hub on campus. Other fraternities have since followed suit and have been handing out anything from custom lighters to lettered Sperrys.

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

OP-ED: My Name is Molly, I’m a Virgin, and I’m Sick of People Saying They Did Me During Fling

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Photo by Chase Sutton / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Hi. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Molly Applebaum, and some really hurtful rumors have been circulating about me lately. I contacted UTB to get my story out, and I hope this article sets the record straight: nobody did me during fling.

I don’t know how or why targets of slut shaming are picked, but the rumor mill has been churning out some terrible things lately. I’ve heard at least 10 frat guys say they did me over the weekend, and I’ve never met any of them in my life. It’s nice that they’re at least saying I was “mind-blowing,” but this definitely has attracted some unwanted attention.

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

OP-ED: The Penn Quaker Is the Ultimate Furry

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Photo by Ananya Chandra / The Daily Pennsylvanian 


I can’t believe I actually have to write an article about something this obvious, but I think it’s time we all address the elephant in the room. Penn’s "lovable" Quaker has an overpowering fetish for other people dressed in animal costumes, and is using his role as mascot to mask his darker desires. Let’s look at the facts.

Why would anyone in their right mind agree to take on the role of the Quaker? The job includes putting on a costume that resembles a horribly disfigured historical character with a smile from the depths of someone’s clown-filled hell.The head of the costume probably smells like a melted ballsack. The job also involves running and jumping around at under-attended sporting events, or inducing shudders from everyone nearby whenever the Quaker is tasked to parade around campus. There has to be another motivation for anyone in the Quaker costume to agree to this humiliation and fearmongering: whoever is inside must be massive furry.

Think about it: this is the perfect way to get close to other people dressed up in erotic mascot costumes. Brown’s bear is thicc, Columbia’s lion is sure to be even wilder in the bedroom, and the Princeton tiger is definitely a bottom.

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

​Fate of Entire Evening Left Up to Copa ID Scanner

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Photo by Drew Stevens / CC BY-SA 2.0


Kathleen Grover (C ’21) and her friends were so excited when the IDGod order shipped. They couldn’t wait to hit up every happy hour at Copa and Distrito. Unfortunately, the deciding factor of whether they would have a night full of flavored margaritas or a night sitting on Kathleen’s couch in Harrison after a frat crawl was one foreboding scanner.

The Copa scanner’s newly updated software was implemented just in time for groups just like Grover’s. Grover, whose Springfield, IL ID stated that she was a slick 23 years old, was nervous the scanner would see right through the fact that her height on the ID was misprinted as 6'4”. Her friend, Josie Caldwell (C ’21) also was afraid that her almost identical Illinois ID would also be turned down by the scanner.

At press time, the group of girls stood in front of the bouncer, trying their hardest to appear taller, older, and, if it would help them in any way, hotter. They waited patiently while the scanner ran the barcodes. A moment of silence until the bouncer said, “You’re good.”

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

Penn to Install Air Conditioners On All Incoming Freshmen, Saving Millions In Renovations

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Photo by Ananya Chandra / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Right after accepting the Class of 2022, the Penn administration dropped a policy bombshell: starting this fall, all incoming freshmen will have state-of-the-art air conditioners installed directly on their persons. Incredible!

No longer will the university have to slog through the process of renovating building after building in an effort to make them habitable during the warmer half of the year. From now on, individual students will be masters of their own thermal destinies.

“We’re going to be saving millions,” noted a University spokeswoman, “We were on the verge of building a new Wharton building just because GSR 352 lost AC, but now we don’t even have to close a single floor of Hunstman!”

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

Girl Scrolling on Phone in Bedroom Forced to Get Up, Go to Class, Scroll on Phone in Lecture

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Photo by Elizabeth Beugg / The Daily Pennsylvanian 


College sophomore Leila Michaels got a taste of reality while browsing her social media feeds last Wednesday. At 10:48 a.m., Michaels realized she had exhausted her excused absences for her Introduction to Environmental Studies recitation.

Michaels was then forced to get up mid-scroll and leave the comfort of her own home. She continued to flip between Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat during her 0.3 mile walk down Spruce. She then settled down in the Levin Building, where she continued to peruse social media for the duration of the class.

“This class is so boring. I could be doing much more interesting things at home,” Michaels said. Life can be so unfair.


Satire  Published 21 hours ago

Penn's Class of 2022: By the Numbers

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Photo Courtesy of the Admissions Office


This year, Penn received a startling 44,482 applicants for the Class of 2022, of which, only slightly over 3,000 were admitted.

This increase of almost 5,000 applicants has pushed Penn’s acceptance rate down to a record-breaking “not as low as Harvard’s.”

According to Dean of Admissions Eric Furda, Penn had the most qualified candidates in the school's history, making this year’s application cycle even more competitive. In an interview with UTB, Furda lauded the geographic diversity of Penn’s incoming class, noting that “we got at least one from most of the middle states!”

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