Satire  Published 2 hours ago

Penn Swim Team Moves Practice to 38th Street Bridge Puddle


Photo by Ananya Chandra / The Daily Pennsylvanian

After a massive puddle appeared on Locust Walk just west of the 38th Street Class of 1949 Bridge this morning, coach Bill Budachek seized the rare opportunity to hold an extra practice session for the men's swim team. Scheduling is tight for use of Pottruck facilities, so Budachek invited the team for evening practice in the puddle. Conveniently, it fit Olympic size regulations.

"I'm always looking for new challenges to throw at my boys," said Budachek, looking approvingly at the vast expanse of water that lay before him. Makeshift lane lines bobbed up and down. Peering into the puddle, it was impossible to see the bottom.

Budachek led the team through their usual practice routine. During one portion, six swimmers lined up to race, crouching down on the curb south of the puddle—this served as the starting block. At Budachek's whistle, each flew into the water, sped to the other side, and performed a flip turn off the Kelly Writers House.

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Satire  Published 13 hours ago

Physicists Astonished as TEDxPenn Speaker Collapses Inside Own Asshole


Photo by T.col.williams / CC BY-SA 4.0

Physicists were astonished today when a TEDxPenn Speaker, Darvish Lelani, seemed to bend the laws of physics by collapsing inside his own asshole.

Lelani was midway through his presentation "How I Solved World Hunger With an App" when he appeared be sucked inside of his own anus, a display which has left scientists scratching their heads.

"We simply can't figure it out," said Dr. Matthew Weissbaum of CERN Labs in Switzerland, "no human being has ever become so full of himself as to actually be absorbed into his own butt through mysterious forces."

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Satire  Published 13 hours ago

OP-ED: I Don’t Care That You Won the Nobel Prize, I’m Still Not Raising Your Credit Cap


Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC0

Why don’t you sit yourself down?

Look, I know you think you’re going to be able to handle more than four classes this semester. I remember when I was young and hot-headed just like you.

Sure, you may think that taking three engineering classes and two gen-eds will be doable. But believe me, work piles up fast.

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Satire  Published 13 hours ago

Meet the Guy Who Ditched a Wall Street Job for Blockchain


Photo from Flickr / CC BY 2.0

The craze behind cryptocurrencies and blockchain technology is at an all-time high, which you already know unless you're busy with your "real" and "stable" currencies. Many have begun to pursue careers in the field in the hopes of realizing the technology’s full potential.

Harry Callahan (W ’18) is proud to be one of them.

He had a coveted private equity job lined up at Blackstone; then, all of a sudden, he decided to ride the wave, after being introduced to Ethereum by his uncle. “I think blockchain is going to be really disruptive. We can really decentralize anything,” he told us, whatever that means.

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Satire  Published 13 hours ago

This Veterinary School Professor Wants to Teach Canine Medicine Using Nintendogs for DS


Photo by Kevin Simpson / CC BY-SA 2.0

Professor Susan McMahon is what you might call a veteran veterinary professor: she is well-known for teaching canine medicine at Penn Veterinary School and has been a member of the faculty for over a decade. What most of her students don't know about her, however, is her passion for video games, particularly Nintendo DS games. 

But when she was named a Penn Innovates Knowledge fellow for the 2017-2018 academic year, McMahon fused her two passions. She joined a growing wave of teachers at Penn and elsewhere to use video games for learning.

In early January, McMahon revealed her new Penn Innovates Knowledge project: revamping her course, "Canine Medicine 101," by teaching it with Nintendogs.

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Satire  Published 01/22/18 7:41am

​Freshman Has an Internship at Google but Always Pees on the Toilet Seat


Photo by Saksham Choudhary / CC0

Kyle Mallard (E ’21) astonished his professors and peers when he nabbed a coveted research internship at Google for this summer. But his achievement is even more impressive when you consider that he almost always pees on the toilet seat.

Kyle’s research on neural networks and machine learning has appeared in prominent journals. He’s even presented at several conferences. Yet Kyle gets at least a few drops of urine on the toilet seat every time he urinates.

Kyle’s work has advanced artificial intelligence significantly. “Put simply, I research how we can make robots learn,” he said. “Hopefully, I can learn how to pee in the toilet in the process.”

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Satire  Published 01/22/18 7:38am

Wow! This Kid's Peak Efficiency is Between 1:30 AM And, Like, 1:35 AM


Photo by Zginder (edited) / Public Domain

In a stunning declaration to all of his 17 twitter followers, Ethan Kroove (E ‘19) announced today that his peak efficiency is between like 1:30 AM and, like, 1:35 AM. This sliver of time finds Kroove fully focused and getting shit done like no other time of day. And while some of his professors have warned him not to wait until the night before to complete an assignment, Kroove just has to wait until 1:30 AM and everything suddenly makes sense. “It’s like, I don’t even need Adderall because I’m so in the zone,” he told us.

Kroove has always been a night owl, and even in middle school, he stayed awake late into the night watching Netflix and playing video games while the rest of the world was asleep. In high school, Kroove got most of his homework done after midnight, and spent the daylight hours doing other cool things like lighting stuff on fire and trying to catch rabid squirrels. Kroove anticipates that the scientists who will inevitably study him due to his highly unusual study habits will find that he has some kind of rare neurological mutation that makes him an unparalleled, very stable genius just between 1:30 AM and 1:35 AM.

“I don’t know for sure what they’ll find when they look in my brain, but I can tell that it’s gonna be a game-changer for everyone, probably.”

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Satire  Published 01/22/18 7:37am

Junior Marked 'Interested in' Event at the Electric Factory on Facebook, Now She's a Key Member of Philly's Underground Scene


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

When Rebecca Carter saw on Facebook that As the Crow Flies was performing at the Electric Factory she knew she was in. And by in, I mean interested in.

Carter has never listened to As the Crow Flies. In fact, she has never even heard of them. However, she saw that her friend Amy was going to the event, and Amy is super cool. Amy wore Doc Martens with fishnets that one time, so Carter knew she was the real deal.

Shortly after Carter hit that “Interested in” button, she saw her Messenger app blow up with PMs from strangers inviting her to basement concerts. Confused, she looked at her Facebook notifications and saw she had been invited to a slew of events, including a rally for punk rights, a “Not Just Food But Friends” animal activist meat market, and an open mic for poetry about Marxism.

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Satire  Published 01/22/18 7:35am

We Can Really Have It All: Student 'Still Shopping' For Classes Has Successfully Ripped Through The Twin Peaks Reboot and Gotten 8 Hours of Sleep Nightly


From Pixabay / CC0 

Sarah Tabbert (C '18) has not registered for a single class. She has emailed potential professors letting them know that she's interested in taking their classes (no response from the PSYC 001 professor, though). She's still deciding between a few classes. In the time between what others call "the start of the semester" and the end of add period — the real start to the semester for Tabbert — this Penn Senior lives her fullest life. 

In a sit-down interview with this work-evading master, Tabbert let us know that the start to the semester was going just as planned. Eventually she will need to register for classes to fill all the requirements she has been avoiding over the past four years. But until the day before that deadline, her horizons are clear. She eats a balanced diet, takes brisk walks on cold winter days, and has watched the entirety of Twin Peaks: The Return in a weekend, a stunning feat of endurance that questions the laws of what good TV watching can be.  

As one might expect, her strategy will go straight to shit once she finally registers for classes and finds herself weeks behind in every class. But until then, she has plenty of time to devote to Twin Peaks, eight hours of sleep every night, and her physical and mental health. 

Satire  Published 01/21/18 7:29pm

True Fan: College Junior Preemptively Sets Car on Fire Ahead of Eagles Game


Photo by Mstyslav Chernov CC BY-SA 3.0

The City of Brotherly Love is getting lit. 

At approximately 6:00pm EST, Jonathan Pallis (C '19) set fire to a 2005 Subaru Outback in preparation for tonight's Eagles/Vikings showdown. "I'm just so hype for the Birds," Pallis told UTB. "I'm from Philly, well, Radnor actually, and I feel like this is the year we make it all the way." Pallis, a few Yuenglings in, then proceeded to rip his shirt off and scream "Fly Eagles Fly" at the top of his lungs before promptly offering to fight anyone for any reason. 

Some of Pallis' peers have complained that he may have been a bit early to the arson-party. And Pallis recognized these concerns, saying, "win or lose, it's my duty as a proud Philadelphian to cause property damage. I'm just trying to expedite the process."

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