Satire  Published 5 hours ago

OP-ED: I'm Sipping Wine on a Barcelona Beach and Having Serious FOMO

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Photo by Ben30 / CC BY-SA 2.0


I lay on Barceloneta Beach on a cloudless day, the sun shining on my face and a gentle wind blowing across the Spanish (or perhaps Catalonian) sand. As the waves came in, I found myself drifting from Barcelona to Philadelphia, thinking of my friends back home. I had already made my way through my first bottle of wine and was reaching for my second bottle when I was hit with a profound sense of FOMO like none I had ever experienced. My mind flooded with confusion and despair like an existential thirteenth floor of Rodin.

Sure, I was in one of the most beautiful places in the world, surrounded by wonderful people, delicious food, and exquisite art, but my friends are probably in their apartment pounding Yuenglings that they stole from a frat party last week. 

Suddenly, my phone started buzzing with GroupMe messages about my friends— for as long as I can call them that before they forget about me entirely— organizing a trip to Ken's Seafood tonight. What the fuck. 

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Satire  Published 5 hours ago

Frat House Crumbles After Partygoer Stealthily Nabs Crucial Structural Element

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Photo by Michael Gaida / CC0


For freshman and upperclassmen alike, open fraternity events provide a unique opportunity to steal valuable items, such as toothpaste, wall decorations, a handle of cheap vodka, or crackers from the kitchen cabinet. The experience leaves them with an adrenaline rush, an inexplicable sense of fulfillment, and zero guilt about stealing from people, somehow. This past weekend, however, someone took the activity to its extreme.

The residence of local fraternity Omega Phi Upsilon Kappa suffered a total collapse after a partygoer wrestled a support beam from the basement ceiling at an event Saturday night. All attendees were able to escape physically unharmed, but the chapter house is in ruins.

"They really screwed us over here," said fraternity brother and Wharton sophomore Bush Reilly. "The whole house came down. It'll be at least a week before we throw another party."

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Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Wow! This Guy Pronounces "Gyro" Correctly at Greek Lady

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Photo by George Ruiz / CC 2.0


Nathan Kwan (E '19) is a man of many talents. Engineering Chair of the 2019 Class Board, captain of club squash, an avid cook and a gifted songwriter-- it really seems like Kwan does it all.

And now this: just the other day, Kwan ordered a "chicken yee-ro" (a chicken gyro, for the uninitiated) at Greek Lady. 

Kwan proudly stated, "Yeah, most people don't really know that it's pronounced that way. But I spent the summer traveling in Europe, so I know a thing or two about Greek culture from my time in Santorini." He took a bite of the French fry-stuffed pita. "I think authenticity is important. Most Americans don't appreciate the beauty of other cultures."

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Freshman Accidentally Rushes Sci-Fi Instead of Phi Psi


Jordan Taylor (E’ 21) was looking forward to rushing a reputable and quality fraternity. After hours of eating free food, mingling with the brothers, and attending lavish outings, he finally received a bid from the frat he coveted most: Phi Psi.

Or, so he thought! When he went to brag about his achievement to some of his friends, he was hit with a reality check.

“Guys, I just made Sci-Fi!” he told his friends.

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

QUIZ: How Many Cheek Kisses Is This Fancy Hello?

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Photo by Pexels / Pixabay


OMG! It’s Rachel. We haven’t seen her since at least NSO. How many cheek kisses is this fancy hello? Answer these questions, and see how many times you're going to kiss Rachel's perfect cheeks!

1. Hey you! Yeah, you! Superstar! How are you doing, beautiful? Come here!

A.) Hello, darling!

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

OP-ED: The Ability to Have Guac at Penn

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Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian


It’s 5:00 pm after my three hour chemistry lab. In years past, this was the best time of the evening. I would run over from the Chem building to Frontera, get in line, and ask for my favorite—fully dressed guacamole and chips. This is my one release. It’s my 30 minutes of pretending I don't have any homework to do afterwards or meetings to attend later that night. It’s my 30 minutes when my best friends and I can get together before we head to Van Pelt and study the night away. Ask any alumnus what their favorite Penn food is: 9 out of 10 will not say something from Chipotle, but rather Frontera’s guac.

Today, though, I walked in and asked for my usual order. “Sorry, we're out of guac,” said the cashier. This was not the first time. This has happened to several of my friends, as well. Instead of funding activities like Wharton career fairs, we need to focus our funding on Frontera. They are always out of guac. This is a problem that gets swept under a rug of issues that the university just does not want to mention, but keep in a little box labeled “problems that don’t really apply to us.” It seems as if our cries for a normal amount of guacamole go unheard.

With Penn’s competitive culture, guacamole is the one safe haven I have. I save up my dining dollars weekly just so I can spend it on the guac. Sometimes, I splurge and buy the fully dressed guac. Other times, I keep it simple. The school’s main focuses should be making sure that its students are happy, healthy, and thriving at Penn (TAP). However, with no guac, there is no school. Penn is taking away things that, for the most part, are our only options to get away from the academic and financial pressures on campus.

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Satire  Published 19 hours ago

​I Purchased a Powerade Water Bottle: Do You Still Think You're Better Than Me, Student Athletes?

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Photo from Wikimedia Commons


Do you know how much a 32 oz. Powerade squeeze water bottle 2-piece set is on Amazon?

$18.97.

For $9.49 a bottle, I can be just as good as you, student athletes.

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Satire  Published 10/22/17 12:55am

Penn Accidentally Hires English-Speaking Math Professor

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Photo from Public Domain


As midterm season is in full swing, countless Penn students are undoubtedly complaining about their professors and their various incompetencies. Unfortunately for students taking math courses, these problems are only about to get worse.

Reports indicate that the Penn Mathematics Department has just made the fatal error of hiring Professor Robert Philip, a distinguished Nobel Laureate and MacArthur Genius Grant Recipient. Despite having received his Master’s from MIT and PhD from Stanford, Phillip is a native English speaker— an unfortunate characteristic that sets him apart for all the wrong reasons.

“We apologize sincerely for this inexcusable mistake,” said a spokesperson from the Penn Mathematics Department. “We like to conduct a thorough background check of all prospective professors to ensure that they are able to confuse the hell out of their students in lecture. Somehow, Professor Philip slipped through the cracks.”

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Satire  Published 10/21/17 4:07pm

Junior Mistakes Case Interview Prep For Romantic Date

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Photo by Tumisu / CC0


Problem solving and chill is the new Netflix and chill, or so Wharton junior Jake Ellis thought when Stephanie* asked him to practice casing for their upcoming consulting interviews.

“When she asked me to do ‘case prep’ last Friday night, I could hardly believe it. She even made a cute joke about OCR being the Bain of her existence... I knew that had to be code for asking me out. Who actually preps on a Friday night besides my classmates who will inevitably beat me out of the limited available consulting positions?” Ellis said.

“I guess I was a little concerned when she suggested we meet in a GSR after I subtly noted that the record player in my apartment has great interview prep vibes, but I thought she was just into the kinky ‘public eye’ thing,” he continued.

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Satire  Published 10/21/17 1:02pm

Frat Throws Frat Themed Frat Party

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Photo edited by MJ Kang, originals by Wicker Paradise (CC BY 2.0), Jbyoung15 (CC BY-SA 4.0), som3f00l (CC BY-SA 2.0)


It was getting close to Friday night and the mid-tier-and-rising fraternity, Rho Iota Chi (RICH), was running out of ideas for their next unregistered party. They had already exhausted their short list of themes throughout the year—the jersey party was, as the brother John, put it “a success, but the theme we had last week, and the week before that.”

“I don’t want a theme this week,” said the other brother, also named John, “let’s just wear normal clothes—boat shoes and salmon shirts--and call it a day.” The brothers nodded in agreement, but then Chad brought up a ground-breaking idea. “The only thing better than a party with no theme is a frat themed party.” The Locust chapter house erupted into applause, and got to work.

After 120 replies of “going” on their Facebook event, they knew that this party would be a success, increasing their chances to finally mix with OAX. The brothers gathered up all of their Natty Lites, American flag beer pong tables, and vineyard vines, scattering them disorderly around the room. “We just need some neon lights, and then we’re good.” 10:30pm couldn’t come any sooner.

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