Satire  Published 16 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day

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Photo: Meredith Mitchell / The Daily Pennsylvanian



Satire  Published 16 hours ago

Incoming Penn Freshman Excited To Peak

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Photos by TravelCoffeeBook3dman_eu / CC0 Public Domain


High school senior Anna Johnson can finally be herself. All throughout high school, Johnson was deliberately uncool to avoid peaking.

“I would see cool people in high school, and I would feel so bad because they were clearly peaking,” she said.

To avoid peaking, Anna was purposely socially awkward. She studied all the time, didn’t get invited to parties, and had a super weird social media presence (she shared way too many political posts and sent Candy Crush requests to all of her Facebook friends). Johnson joined two clubs, but only went to every other meeting so as not to gain a leadership position. She tutored little kids, but only kids from the wealthy private school nearby - so as not to be too good at community service. Anna even spurned the advances of the two middle school boys who hit on her because she didn’t want her best relationship to be in high school.

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

10 Penn Relays Events Anyone Can Do

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Photo by Alvin Loke / CC 2.0


The Penn Relays begin today! But we get that if you're not a track star, you might be feeling a little left out this weekend. Luckily, we've come up with 10 Penn Relays events that you can totally pull off.

  1. Speedwalk from the High Rises to DRL
  2. Attend a marathon of classes: 8am to 6pm
  3. Hurdle five Locust Bricks
  4. Sprint 100 meters on a treadmill at Pottruck (1st floor) then immediately go home because you're done exercising
  5. Climb the DRL stairs to get to 8am math recitation
  6. Go up and down one escalator in Huntsman
  7. Carry six bags of groceries three blocks from FroGro (RIP) to your house
  8. Pregame a darty and then manage to stay alive after 4pm
  9. Dodge eight flyerers on Locust - bonus if you avoid the DP guy at the compass
  10. Ascend the corporate ladder of your dad's company


Satire  Published 04/26/17 7:37pm

Juniors Excited for Third Annual 100th Annual Hey Day

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In 2015, juniors came together to celebrate the 100th Annual Hey Day. A year later, the next class of juniors came together to celebrate the Centennial Hey Day, which is another way to say the 100th Annual Hey Day. 

Current juniors from the Class of 2018 were unsure of what year this Hey Day would be: the 101st, or the 102nd? Neither, as it turns out. This year, again, will be the 100th Annual Hey Day. Awesome!

The 2018 Class Board released a statement on the decision to make the 100th Annual Hey Day a yearly celebration.

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Satire  Published 04/26/17 5:41pm

Wow! Young Thug Enrolled in Wharton MBA Program

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Photo by Patryk Mrozek / CC 2.0


Walking around Huntsman Hall, you’re likely to see a lot of influential people. Future bankers, consultants, hedge fund managers, and if you’re lucky - maybe even rappers!

Young Thug, one of the biggest names in the rap business, has reportedly been spotted roaming Huntsman sporting numerous gold chains and Gucci flip flops. After some further investigation, we found that Mr. Thug is actually enrolled in the prestigious Wharton MBA program, and is currently in his first year of studies.

Thug was sent to Wharton to complete his MBA by his current employer, Goldman Sachs, who wanted him to get his MBA so that he could be promoted to higher executive positions. Thug, however, says he’s just doing the whole investment banking thing as a part-time gig, and that he’s really doing the MBA so that he can become a competitor in the music industry.

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Satire  Published 04/26/17 3:57pm

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day

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Gena Basha / Daily Pennsylvanian



Satire  Published 04/26/17 1:51pm

Confused Junior Thought Hey Day Was Hay Day

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Photo by Pexels / CC0


Hey Day: one of the Penn darty days that carries a different meaning based on which class you’re in. For wide-eyed pre-frosh during their admissions tour, it’s a day we worship almost as hard as the toast we regularly throw at football games. For freshmen, it’s when you wake up terrified to the person who regularly had sex in your bed two years ago. And for juniors, you get really drunk to make running into the entirety of your freshman hall just a little less awkward.

UTB has been asking juniors around campus what they’re most looking forward to for Hey Day. While most took this opportunity to first tell us about their summer plans, even though we didn’t ask, they ultimately said they couldn’t wait to spend the morning drinking, cheering and eating Styrofoam.

One equestrian-minded junior, however, apparently didn’t get the memo. Sarah Carlson, C '18, was found on Locust wearing riding boots, stretchy khaki pants and a braid in her hair.

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Satire  Published 04/26/17 11:55am

Jaywalkers Stymied by Broken Traffic Lights at 34th and Walnut

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Calebrw / CC 3.0


On Monday and Tuesday, broken traffic lights at the intersection of 34th and Walnut forced police officers to stand in the middle of the road and direct traffic themselves. The officers handled the job expertly, making a potentially dangerous situation only a minor inconvenience. Still, some students were quite displeased with the issue.

"I have to rush to my 10 a.m. in DRL every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday," said Joe Szymanowski (E'20), who lives in New College House. "Usually, I walk out of NCH at 9:57, sprint madly across Walnut in between cars, and make it to my seat at 10:01." With police around, Szymanowski was forced to cross the street like a normal person, delaying his arrival to 10:03. "It's really unfair that a maintenance issue made me late to class. I mean, this is an Ivy League university!" Szymanowski exclaimed.

Self-proclaimed traffic control enthusiast Michael Watterson (E'18) also complained about the broken lights. As a "fun side project," which he posted to his LinkedIn account, Watterson created a Google maps extension last semester. The extension calculates the fastest routes to class, taking traffic lights into account. In order to do so, he spent three weeks squatting at each intersection on and around Penn's campus, timing each traffic light. All of this was recounted to us in excruciating detail.

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Satire  Published 04/26/17 11:11am

Harvest Location To Become a Soul Cycle Studio

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Photo by Pixaby / Public Domain 


So, Harvest isn’t coming back. But, dry your no-more-cheap-long-islands-tears and gear up. According to the Real Estate Department of Penn's Facilities & Real Estate Services, the new tenant for the fire destroyed space is none other than Soul Cycle.

Harper Velo, a representative from the Real Estate Department of Penn's Facilities & Real Estate stated: “We worked very hard to find a place that would truly meet the needs of Penn students. Soul Cycle is just that.”

Velo couldn’t be more correct. Pottruck is passé, and their spin classes certainly pale in comparison to the ones offered at the decidedly boujeeist cycle studio in America.

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Satire  Published 04/25/17 5:37pm

The Round Down 04.25.17

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Photo: Sam Sedor / The Daily Pennsylvanian


And just like that another Fling has Flung. Afraid that the rain washed away all the dirt from this weekend? Don't even worry about it, all that dirt just turned into mu(ZED)d. Here to help us all make sense of the fast paced movement of time and the ultimate end of the semester is the second Round Down: Fling Edition. 

Some folks were bummed by the weather this weekend, but the rain didn't stop a certain SDT junior from umbreveling in the spirit of the self-proclaimed ho(e)liday. Rumor has it that this junior was spotted grabbing fried oreos in the Quad before heading to a friend's barbecue to say, "Hello!" to friends that she holds dear. She then headed back to her apartment where she proceeded to to call her mother to wish her a happy birthday. She's fifDTy (Ed note: please read as the number 50).

Things got a little bit nauti(cal) on the Battleship this Friday when a tall Owls sophomore was standing in front of a shorter Tabard girl as they tried to watch the sunset, and the girl had to ask him to step a bit to the side. He did and seized the opportunity to try and hit on her, but she clearly wasn't interested and he treated her with respect! 

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