Satire  Published 4 hours ago

Irony of Great Gatsby Frat Mixer Hits Junior Like a Ton of Fucking Bricks


Photo by Nicolas Alejandro / CC BY 2.0

In a burst of realization, Greg Martin (C '19) realized the extent of the irony of the Great Gatsby-themed fraternity mixer he was attending.

"I was talking to this girl about how much my bowtie cost when all of the sudden it hit me. F. Scott Fitzgerald would be rolling in his fucking grave," said Greg, adjusting the $75 suspenders that he will wear twice more in his life.

Martin, an Econ major, had been drinking heavily among his socially competitive peers, when the full brunt of F. Scott Fitzgerald's themes about the emptiness of glamour and the futility of aspirational living poured over him.

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Satire  Published 4 hours ago

Deeply Lonely Professor Makes Attendance Mandatory


Photo by Patrick Doheny / CC BY 2.0

Burt Aspland has been having a rough semester. While his pioneering work in Art History may have brought him national fame, no award has ever managed to soothe the deep ache of loneliness he’s felt since his wife left him five years ago.

Aspland’s students have picked up on his misery. “My older brother took [Aspland’s] classes when he was a student here six years ago,” commented Sarah Parkson (C ‘21), “but it feels like I have a completely different teacher. He just sort of goes on in a monotone, barely making eye contact. It’s hard to believe this guy won the Dean’s teaching award three times in a row.”

Sarah isn’t alone. Aspland’s classes suffer depressingly low attendance rates, something that makes the professor on edge. 

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Satire  Published 4 hours ago

​PornHub Offers Premium Service Where Your Neighbor Cranks One Out With His Blinds Open


Photo by Jean Chapiro / The Daily Pennsylvanian

You’re in luck, leering voyeurs. For a small monthly fee, PornHub’s new service will randomly surprise you with someone stroking their salami with their curtains drawn in the building next to yours.

Subscribers of the premium service will see a neighbor enthusiastically pleasure themselves with their blinds open once a day.

PornHub CEO Rod Smutman unveiled the service on their website. “We wanted to give peeping Toms the visceral thrill of seeing someone fondling their privates out of the corner of your eye by surprise,” he said.

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Satire  Published 4 hours ago

​I Like You but I Don’t Like You Enough to Sit Through Your Indian Dance Show for Three Hours


Photo by Skip / CC-By-Sa-2.0

I like you, Charlotte I really do. I cherish our friendship, our brunches, study sessions, and the fact that you’re always there for me when I seemingly end up at Allegro’s every Friday night. We’ve been through it all and I can’t wait to make even more memories with you. But, and I hate to say it, even though I really value our friendship, Char, I just don’t really care enough to sit through three whole hours of Indian dance.

First of all, it costs way too much. My $13 will go to something equally, if not more, irrelevant, like a single sandwich from Cosi or an Uber 8 blocks away. In fact, we can go to Cosi together or Uber to center city, Char. I love spending time with you. It always makes my day. But three hours of watching you dance? I don’t think so.

Secondly, it’s on a Friday. I cannot give away my Friday night like that. I have so much work this weekend, like so much. I know you have work too, girl. I get it. You’re putting all of your hard work into these two nights of performance when you have three midterms the next week. But, I have 3 midterms AND a proposal to turn in. So, there’s no way I can give up my weekend like that. Instead, I’ll be getting trashed at Olympic themed mixers and regretting everything on Saturday.

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Satire  Published 4 hours ago

'I Can't Find Love,' Complains Student Who Ghosts Everyone She's Ever Slept With


Photo by Canon EOS 6d / CC0

Valentine's Day makes Sara Conway (C '21) sick.

"It just reminds me of how difficult it is to find a real relationship at this school," said Conway. "The hookup culture here is so toxic."

Conway, since breaking up with her long-term boyfriend in the fall, has had twelve different sexual partners since her first semester at Penn. She has not texted a single one of them back.

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Satire  Published 22 hours ago

OP-ED: Stop Bringing Sunset Blush to Your Birthday BYO


Photo by Carlos Saldivia / CC 2.0

Hey, Tiffany! Thanks so much for the invite to your birthday BYO this weekend. I can’t wait for forced interactions with people I barely know, sprinkled with some painfully awkward conversations about how we know you. Should be a fun time!

I’m especially excited for the boat races—boy, do I love participating in dangerously-rapid alcohol consumption! But, speaking of which, I just have a super quick and easy request: could you maybe not bring Sunset Blush? I’m fine choking down any other flavor of Franzia (or, even better, Carlo Rossi) but I really, truly cannot take one more sip of the devil’s nectar. (Actually, I’m not a huge fan of Chillable Red either.)

But back to Sunset Blush: to be quite frank, this shit tastes like my vomit. Countless times have I gazed into a toilet bowl, my sad, teary-eyed, hot mess reflection staring back at me, with the burn of bagged rosé in my throat and pale pink nastiness in front of me. One too many Ken’s Seafood trips during my freshman year have, in short, done me dirty. I refuse to continue treating my body like a garbage disposal.

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Satire  Published 02/24/18 3:57pm

'I Would Do Anything for My Brothers,' Says Student Who Rushed Frat Three Times Before Getting In


Photo (with edits) from Pixabay / CC0

It’s times like these when we remember that there is still good in the world. Amidst all the war, destruction, and failed relationships, it’s hard to find a glimpse of hope to get you through the week - or the day even! But when a person shows such incredible perseverance as Grant Friedman (EW ‘20), it reminds us that anything can happen if you try, try, try again.

After being brutally rejected twice from his dream frat, Grant finally made it on his third time rushing. We spoke to Grant about his struggle to be accepted into the Beta Omega Iota Zeta fraternity (BOIZ).

“I’ve been dreaming about joining a fraternity since I was like 19 years old,” Grant told us. “Once I found out that a bunch of the cool people at Penn were doing it, I knew that it was my destiny.”

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Satire  Published 02/23/18 11:38am

PennGreen Reports 'Not All Men are Trash; Many Without Metal Parts Can Be Composted'


Photo from Maxpixel / CC0

From frat boys to finance bros, many men at Penn are regularly classified as trash. Though it may be tempting to use a man once and throw him away, Penn students now have an exciting new alternative. Members of PennGreen hope to beautify our campus and better the environment by offering a new solution to the problem of men: compost. 

It sounds radical to return men to the Earth. After all, do we really want them back in the ecosystem? It might seem strange - even repulsive to some – to convert men into biofuels and fertilizer, but there are many ecological benefits to consider. As long as a man contains no dental implants, medical staples, or artificial limbs, his testosterone-saturated body can be converted into enough biofuel to power Claudia Cohen Hall for over an hour! Furthermore, a large percentage of Penn’s cisgender trash men become the way they are by compensating for abnormally small genitalia. This means that although all compost byproduct will be from total dicks, a minute percentage of it will be from actual penis.

Publicizing their sustainability effort with the catchy hashtag “#notallmen,” PennGreen has already experienced an exciting level of success composting men on campus. With receptacles positioned conveniently outside the beer garden at Frogro, Huntsman Hall, and all Wawas that sell American Spirit cigarettes, dozens of men have been composted only two weeks into the project. However, there is still plenty of ground to cover. Next time a man tells you to just trust his pullout game, do the right thing for the earth and yourself by choosing compost.

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Satire  Published 02/23/18 11:37am

Frat Brother Arrested for Copyright Infringement After Hosting Green Eggs and Kegs


Photos (with edits by Jonah Weinbaum) by Clker / CC0 and samhsloan / CC BY 2.0

Alpha Beta Alpha brother Chad Williams always thought of himself as a law-abiding kid. He never stole a car, he never murdered his brother, and he never, ever created a lawn chair-based pyramid scheme. In fact, besides doing a little coke here and there, Williams had always stayed on the right side of the law.

That is, until last Thursday.

Wanting to attend a parade in the morning, and being unable to enjoy anything unintoxicated, Williams decided to host an early-morning pregame. “Green Eggs and Kegs,” the title he came up with, was a clever twist on the classic Dr. Seuss book—or so he thought.

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Satire  Published 02/23/18 11:23am

OP-ED: Sure, Elon Musk Put a Car in Space, But Did He Get an A-Plus in Writing Sem Like Me?


Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC0

Everyone’s getting really worked up these days about Elon Musk’s (W ’97, C '98) big rocket hobby. Sure, I have to admit that putting a car in space is pretty cool and all, but come on. One Quaker to another, we have to admit that there are things more impressive than that.

You remember Writing Sem? The class that teaches you how to write—nay, how to think—like a cultured intellectual? The University’s truest litmus test for greatness?

Well, I got an A in it.

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