News  Published 3 hours ago

SAY IT AIN'T SO – The NILF (Newscaster I'd Like To Fuck) that IS Anderson Cooper will no longer be gracing Penn's campus tomorrow, due to recent events in Baltimore. This was like, the perfect way to celebrate the last school night of the semester, but alas – reality calls.  


Features  Published 7 hours ago

Eulogy For A Water Bottle Left In VP

In the Rosengarten Study Center in VP stands a cart, filled with the discarded water bottles of forgetful students. Below, is one student's apology to a lost friend, but we like to think it applies to them all:

In the beginning I thought there was no way we could ever be apart. I bursar'd you for more money than I would like to admit because I thought we were going to be together forever. You, with your blue plastic casing and enlarged "P." Me, with my proclivity for drinking large quantities of water to stay awake during three hour seminars. We were perfect, until one day I was working in VP and I probably left you there, on the table that is too close to the bathroom, in my haste to print before class.

I noticed your absence when I got home that night, a lightness in my backpack that made me feel empty. I walked around the next few days, thirsty, until I passed by the DVD check out place and caught a glimpse of blue plastic through the window. There you were, surrounded by others of your kind. I was about to go retrieve you, but I stopped. How could I be sure it was you? Was I willing to allow for the possibility of drinking from the bottle of another? I thought you might be happier there, among friends. Either way, I didn't get you, and I'm sorry. Maybe, I'll sift through the lost and found during Finals. More likely, I will not. 


News  Published 8 hours ago

Intro To Buddhism Professor Doesn't Seem Very Zen

This surely isn't the first episode of "the nutty professor" — from the hip to the scandalous, we've seen it all. Finals haven't started yet, but this week we bring you an Intro to Buddhism professor who just isn't taking your crap.

1:49pm 04/25/2015
127.0.0.1

This final exam for Intro to Buddhism:
Section III
Way of Discipline:
Memorize the following passage and reproduce it for the examination. You must reproduce it from memory exactly how it is written here. If you make one mistake you will lose all the points eligible for this section. 34 points.

“Uposathakaranato pubbe navavidham pubbakiccam kaatabbam hoti tanthaanasammajjalananca tattha padiipuajjalananca aasanapannapananca paaniiyaparibhojaniiyuupatthapananca chandaarahaanam bhikkhuunam chandaaharananca”

Section IV
Punch yourself...in the mind...then complete the 9th perfection of the Bodhisattva Path

Read the Full Article

Features  Published 10 hours ago

What's HapPENNing?

Not to be the bearer of bad news, but this week finals, formals and freakouts is kind of what's happening. Apart from those things, however, there is still some stuff to do around Penn, so here's our weekly list of the best! 

Monday at 6 pm in Huntsman G60

Read the Full Article

Features  Published 04/26/15 6:23pm

ShutterButton: Butts Bow To Ben

If you've been admiring the fine athletic specimens jogging around campus over the last few days, you're not alone. According to this ancient depiction, Ben also ogled Relayers back in the day (from the grave, as the Relays started 105 years after his death). While they might be a little less homoerotic than the scene here, the Penn Relays are actually a huge deal, but alas – if you're reading this, it's too late, as yesterday was your last day to head down to Franklin Field and check out some butts! 


Features  Published 04/26/15 12:31pm

Random Dude At A Party, Vol. 13


Read about more past Random Dudes hereherehereherehereherehereherehereherehere, and here

Read the Full Article

Features  Published 04/25/15 7:41pm

Absolute Worst Of Penn

Penn is an all around swell place, but sometimes it's really just not so swell. Sometimes it's just literally the worst. So what better time to celebrate the worst of Penn than right after we celebrated its best? You don't get to vote or anything – we just picked for you. Sorry, we're the worst.

Worst Study Spot:

The smoothie shop at Pottruck

Read the Full Article

Features  Published 04/25/15 4:11am

15 Unflattering Photos Of People Who Could Kick Your Ass

If there's one thing Penn Relays showed this week besides the payoff of training and dedication, it's that the athletes are legit Darwinianly better than the rest of us. They can outlive us in a zombie apocalypse, outlive us in general, or just straight up kick our ass if they wanted to. Let's face it: something like a couple unflattering pics wouldn't even phase them. So on behalf of those of us who get tired just thinking about Penn Relays, let alone participating, Under the Baton presents: 

I should not have poked that

Aaaaaaaand I'm asleep

Read the Full Article

Features  Published 04/24/15 6:07pm

Things We Wish Were As Fast As The Penn Relay Runners

If you couldn't tell from the sudden spike in tracksuits on campus, the Penn Relays are officially here. In the same spot where you stood/stumbled/fell last Friday, runners are now breaking world records. Whatta comparison. Since we're never going to be faster than Usain Bolt, here are few things we wish were. 

  • AirPennNet
  • The High Rise elevators
  • The time it takes to complete sector requirements
  • The line for a Commons omelette
  • Our GrubHubbed Pattaya
  • The entire month of February
  • The time it takes to walk up the steep part of the 38th Street Bridge
  • The delay between drinking espresso and being able to study
  • That time when you're meeting someone in Starbucks but get there waaay too early and have to awkwardly wait for the other person to arrive
  • When you're drunk at a party and some dude from your writing seminar comes up and asks how you are
  • Writing seminar
  • Phone calls when your mom wants to talk about your health
  • Phone calls when your mom wants to talk about your sex life
  • Phone calls 
  • The Wawa line
  • The five seconds after you accidentally take a picture of someone with the flash on and you honestly have no idea what to do
  • PowerPoint transitions
  • The time it takes your Uber to drive somewhere when the surge price is very high
  • The walk from your house to Wawa
  • People in VP bathrooms
  • The amount of time it takes your heater to heat the air in your room
  • The amount of time it takes your heater to warm the heart in your chest
  • The time between the after party and the hotel lobby
  • The internet when your Netflix won't stop buffering
  • Any period of time ever spent in DRL
  • Unzipping and re-zipping your backpack for the VP security guard
  • The amount of time it takes your heated blanket to preheat
  • That one bitch's Snapstory
  • The time you've spent removing glitter from your clothes, room, and life in general since Kesha
  • Haircuts when your hairdresser is trying to talk about your personal life
  • Any interaction with people from your freshmen hall after freshmen year
  • The stifled sobs of the person behind you in a VP cubicle
  • The time on Locust when you see someone you know but they're too far away so you awkwardly look at your phone until they're close enough to say hi to
  • When you're waiting for the food to come
  • When you're waiting for the bread to come
  • The time the Smoke's bouncer takes to examine your ID 
  • Us, because we could probably use a few more visits to Pottruck
  • The time it takes for your phone to turn on after you plug it in dead
  • Kygo's set
  • The amount of time it takes a professor to figure out how to play 30 second clip


Features  Published 04/24/15 1:01pm

Flyerer Of The Week: Penn Players Presents: LoveMusik

Did anyone else notice how there are finally leaves on the trees over Locust? It is remarkable how quickly they creep in and cast us in shadows. However, not to be overshadowed, we profiled Penn Players and their current musical LoveMusik. We pretended to be cultured.

UTB: So who are you, and what are you flyering for? 

I am Ella, and I am Genna (with a G) and we are part of Penn Players.

Read the Full Article

Older Posts