Satire  Published 14 hours ago

About Time: Penn is Building a Sound-Proof 'Yelling Room' in VP

Van Pelt is not exactly a comfortable place, but the library is about to get a whole lot more student-friendly. Penn has announced plans to construct a sound-proofed room on the first floor on Van Pelt. Taking the place of periodicals, which had previously inhabited the area, the room is designed to provide students a private, intimate place to yell, scream, sob, or make a throaty "ughhhhh" sound in despair.

Librarian Michael Albin told UTB that students had been asking for "a place to let out some frustration without disturbing" their peers. As such, the room was designed to block all sound from entering or leaving the room. Padded surfaces, a large textile sculpture in the center of the room, and soft seats were all selected in order to capture and dampen the sounds of overworked CIS majors bellowing obscenities about code.

Students seem excited overall about the new room. "I just used to go in the bathroom and scream into a wad of paper towels, but now it's easier. It's more environmentally friendly, too, because I don't have to use up all those towels," Wharton junior Amanda Baker told us. "It's a win all around."

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Please Allow Guns on Campus So We Can Shoot Grizzly Bears

This is an official request for permission to carry and use firearms on campus to prevent grizzly bear-related injury or death. We are not sure who is in charge of setting campus firearm policies, but we trust that the proper officials will read this. Please, allow us to defend ourselves against all the grizzly bears we see each day, roaming Locust or hibernating in GSRs. Thank you Betsy DeVos for championing this cause and helping us make Penn a safer place. 

Satire  Published 19 hours ago

Russia Already Won PennApps

Russia has been winning a lot over the past year and now they can add PennApps to the list! Penn's semiannual hackathon, which starts tomorrow, has already found its winner thanks to the Kremlin. UTB has been granted exclusive access to reports from various University offices, which all agree that Russia has been interfering with PennApps throughout the past few months to ensure victory. 

Initial reactions to the findings have been polarizing to say the least. Many students on campus are extremely upset, calling justice for what they see to be a clear violation of the integrity of this long standing Penn establishment. Students on the other side of the ideological spectrum are denouncing the upset Penngineers as "sore losers" or "snowflakes" who need a safe space to write their code. 

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Satire  Published 01/18/17 3:49pm

Obama to Grant Clemency to Lorenzo Bonfiglio During Final Days in Office

Yesterday, the DP reported that alleged Castle arsonist Lorenzo Bonfiglio was given probation after pleading guilty to two charges: recklessly endangering another person, and criminal mischief — tampering with property. This marks the ostensible ending to a long legal process, in which Bonfiglio's preliminary and pretrial hearings were pushed back at least nine times and his 22 original charges were dropped to two.

Today, his case takes another surprising turn: President Barack Obama has announced that he will grant clemency to Bonfiglio. With only two days left in office, this will likely be one of his final acts in the Oval Office. This development comes among a string of sentence commutations for high profile prisoners including Chelsea Manning, an Army intelligence analyst responsible for a massive and consequential data leak, and Oscar Lopez Rivera, a militant and controversial Puerto Rican nationalist.

Bonfiglio, a U.K. native sentenced to three years probation, may seem an odd choice for clemency. Obama acknowledged this in an exclusive interview with UTB: "Yes, I believe he has a job and has still made it to Owls events. Yes, he managed to push his trial back time and time. But he's suffered enough."

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Satire  Published 01/18/17 2:25pm

​Things We Should Do All Year, Not Just During Sorority Recruitment

Arguably, sorority recruitment is no one's favorite 6 days of the year. When considering other annual highlights such as the first 6 days of Hannukah, shark week, or even the last 6 days of finals when you're stuck on campus because you have one exam on December 22nd, it's obvious that rush pales in comparison. However, recruitment has many unique and valuable qualities that, quite frankly, go unappreciated. Instead of practicing these traditions only once a year, we should never stop:

  • Try chanting. It's like singing, but you can't really be that bad at it.
  • Go to the Annenberg Center every day. It's a great building and "one of the nation's foremost urban performing arts centers on a major university campus."
  • Tell everyone you can how much you love your siSDTers.
  • Learn about the student body's diverse range of academic interests. Spontaneously start up conversations with strangers by asking what their majors are. If someone doesn't know what their major is yet, be sure to comfort them. Tell them it's okay and inform them that they have plenty of time to figure it out.
  • Coordinate with 300 of your closest friends.
  • Be friendly and kind to people you haven't met.
  • Let people know how funny and culturally relevant you are: create Facebook cover photos with puns and/or memes relating to popular culture.
  • Simply stand outside for 15+ minutes as often as possible. Take time to appreciate and enjoy the beautiful city of Philadelphia.
  • Dress snappy casual!

News  Published 01/17/17 7:10pm

Penn Athletics Shares Questionable New Ad

Honestly, it doesn’t take much mental gymnastics to conclude that this recent Penn Athletics promotion was very, very poorly thought out.

As one of many critical Facebook commenters observed, has no one learned anything from the disaster that was the Gisele and LeBron Vogue cover?! The implicit characterization of black men as “beasts” is, to put it lightly, an offensive and tired trope.

And while calling someone a beauty may seem like a compliment, in actuality, the ad serves to trivialize hardworking athletes by likening them to beauty contestants.

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Satire  Published 01/17/17 4:01pm

If Amy Gutmann Tweeted Like Donald Trump

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Satire  Published 01/17/17 12:41pm

Which Penn A Capella Group Will Headline Trump's Inauguration?

Ever since Broadway singer Jennifer Holliday pulled out of Trump’s inauguration, people have wondered who would be taking over to headline the concert. Some thought that this was the moment where the President-Elect would finally face humiliation. Wrong!

The truth is Trump’s team has been looking to his alma mater for his next star act. We can't speak to which groups will be willing to perform, but here is a definitive ranking of the chances that certain Penn a capella groups are invited to perform at the inauguration this Friday. We did not cover every Penn a capella group, because there are thousands of them.

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Features  Published 01/17/17 12:10pm

20 Quick and Easy Emergency Rush Events

Things just don't work out every once in a while. Sometimes, you're on your way to your wicked sweet mini golf night for rush and the bus you're taking breaks down somewhere in Jersey. Other times, Fro Gro runs out of cups for beer pong. If your rush event needs replacing on the spot, here are a few ideas to help you pull through.

  1. Skipping rocks on the Schuylkill
  2. Face painting
  3. Wishbone byo
  4. Scavenger hunt in VP basement
  5. Ultimate frisbee in the dark
  6. That arcade by Copa that everyone forgets exists
  7. Make a large map of the United States and mark where each rush is from, because that's the only thing you know about them
  8. Cleaning the disgusting basement
  9. Community service
  10. Price some bonds
  11. Movie night. Watch Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde in the chapter room. If a rush hasn't seen the first Legally Blonde, they are cut.
  12. Rhythm Room
  13. Dropping mentos into diet coke and saying "cool" loudly enough to be heard but not loudly enough to be weird
  14. An open and frank discussion about the various social problems surrounding greek life
  15. Dog picture slideshow with "Wagon Wheel" playing on repeat in the background
  16. Field trip to bio pond
  17. Group therapy session
  18. Hit some ranch
  19. Thumb war tournament
  20. That team building exercise where everybody holds hands and gets very twisted up and then you have to work your way out of the mess without letting go of your teammates' hands

News  Published 01/16/17 3:25pm

Concerned Parent And Anonymous User Clash Over Dining On Penn Subreddit

Let’s face it: Penn Dining is not universally acclaimed. Despite efforts to improve through focus groups, some students still describe the options as "what?" or "yeah, I guess that's food." And for the steep price, some parents are left wanting more.

Seeking guidance on where his or her son could find edible options, one concerned parent of a freshman turned to the best location for advice on campus, the “UPenn” subreddit. 

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