Features  Published 6 hours ago

Absolute Worst Of Penn

Penn is an all around swell place, but sometimes it's really just not so swell. Sometimes it's just literally the worst. So what better time to celebrate the worst of Penn than right after we celebrated its best? You don't get to vote or anything – we just picked for you. Sorry, we're the worst.

Worst Study Spot:

The smoothie shop at Pottruck

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Features  Published 22 hours ago

15 Unflattering Photos Of People Who Could Kick Your Ass

If there's one thing Penn Relays showed this week besides the payoff of training and dedication, it's that the athletes are legit Darwinianly better than the rest of us. They can outlive us in a zombie apocalypse, outlive us in general, or just straight up kick our ass if they wanted to. Let's face it: something like a couple unflattering pics wouldn't even phase them. So on behalf of those of us who get tired just thinking about Penn Relays, let alone participating, Under the Baton presents: 

I should not have poked that

Aaaaaaaand I'm asleep

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Features  Published 04/24/15 6:07pm

Things We Wish Were As Fast As The Penn Relay Runners

If you couldn't tell from the sudden spike in tracksuits on campus, the Penn Relays are officially here. In the same spot where you stood/stumbled/fell last Friday, runners are now breaking world records. Whatta comparison. Since we're never going to be faster than Usain Bolt, here are few things we wish were. 

  • AirPennNet
  • The High Rise elevators
  • The time it takes to complete sector requirements
  • The line for a Commons omelette
  • Our GrubHubbed Pattaya
  • The entire month of February
  • The time it takes to walk up the steep part of the 38th Street Bridge
  • The delay between drinking espresso and being able to study
  • That time when you're meeting someone in Starbucks but get there waaay too early and have to awkwardly wait for the other person to arrive
  • When you're drunk at a party and some dude from your writing seminar comes up and asks how you are
  • Writing seminar
  • Phone calls when your mom wants to talk about your health
  • Phone calls when your mom wants to talk about your sex life
  • Phone calls 
  • The Wawa line
  • The five seconds after you accidentally take a picture of someone with the flash on and you honestly have no idea what to do
  • PowerPoint transitions
  • The time it takes your Uber to drive somewhere when the surge price is very high
  • The walk from your house to Wawa
  • People in VP bathrooms
  • The amount of time it takes your heater to heat the air in your room
  • The amount of time it takes your heater to warm the heart in your chest
  • The time between the after party and the hotel lobby
  • The internet when your Netflix won't stop buffering
  • Any period of time ever spent in DRL
  • Unzipping and re-zipping your backpack for the VP security guard
  • The amount of time it takes your heated blanket to preheat
  • That one bitch's Snapstory
  • The time you've spent removing glitter from your clothes, room, and life in general since Kesha
  • Haircuts when your hairdresser is trying to talk about your personal life
  • Any interaction with people from your freshmen hall after freshmen year
  • The stifled sobs of the person behind you in a VP cubicle
  • The time on Locust when you see someone you know but they're too far away so you awkwardly look at your phone until they're close enough to say hi to
  • When you're waiting for the food to come
  • When you're waiting for the bread to come
  • The time the Smoke's bouncer takes to examine your ID 
  • Us, because we could probably use a few more visits to Pottruck
  • The time it takes for your phone to turn on after you plug it in dead
  • Kygo's set
  • The amount of time it takes a professor to figure out how to play 30 second clip

Features  Published 04/24/15 1:01pm

Flyerer Of The Week: Penn Players Presents: LoveMusik

Did anyone else notice how there are finally leaves on the trees over Locust? It is remarkable how quickly they creep in and cast us in shadows. However, not to be overshadowed, we profiled Penn Players and their current musical LoveMusik. We pretended to be cultured.

UTB: So who are you, and what are you flyering for? 

I am Ella, and I am Genna (with a G) and we are part of Penn Players.

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News  Published 04/23/15 6:15pm

Communication Listserv Fails To Accomplish The Only Purpose Of Its Major

Using modern technology is often confusing and sometimes embarrassing, which is why UTB conducts all its communications through elaborate smoke signaling. Unfortunately, not everyone is an early adopter, which led to this recent cringeworthy moment on the Communication listserv. Aside from the irony of this happening on the Communication listserv, this fiasco broke new grounds in email embarrassment. 

A higher-up decided to scold the person who initially sent out the email, but accidentally did so via the WHOLE listserv, saying "don’t do anything now, but when there is a confusing presentation, you need to sort it out before they start reading". After realizing the mistake, the higher-up tried to recall the email, by again emailing the whole listserv with a line of hashtags (???) in an attempt to void the message. Unfortunately,  ####################### cannot solve this disaster. 

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News  Published 04/23/15 12:56pm

Freshmen Love Their Pranks

Perhaps plagued by a profound sense of end-of-the-semester-nostalgia, or the same prankster spirit that brought you this, students have stolen the Fisher Hassenfeld House photo for a second time and House Dean Shawna M. Patterson is pissed. Invoking both Lemony Snicket and the NSA, Patterson informed her residents that their lives will be incredibly unpleasant if they are caught with the stolen picture. She also warned that they will be caught by the Big Brother that is Quad security cameras, forcing all to reevaluate some Spring Fling decisions. 

We aren't sure what punishment Patterson has in mind, but it certainly can't be worse than the mysterious misting Ware residents have already endured. And, while we are definitely not advocating for theft of school property, if the anonymous thieves do make it out alive, our office could use some new decorations. 

Features  Published 04/23/15 9:02am

Texts From Fling, Volume V

Ah, Fling. What a time to be "alive." For those of you who left it all out there in the Quad, here are the texts that you don't remember sending. For those of you who do remember your shenanigans, maybe try doing better next year. 

Penn's Very Own Indiana Jones

410: how was your night?

203: Got far too drunk

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 Published 04/22/15 4:10pm

Bon Appétit Wants To Take More Of Your Money By Assuming You're Bad At Math

Bon Appétit introduced a new program where students can exchange unwanted meal swipes for Dining Dollars. It sounds like a great way to keep freshman out of the rotten apple filledcockroach infested dining halls. Penn Dining will credit $4.75 in Dining Dollars for each swipe that can be used to buy muffins with nails in them at locations such as Houston Hall. 

...but wasn't your meal plan like $5,000? An Under The Button investigation revealed that the default Best Food Fit (BFF) freshman dining plan costs a staggering $4,928. This plan includes $800 Dining Dollars and 250 meal swipes. Dining Dollars have the same value as real dollars, except they're worse because you are limited to use them only at Bon Appétit locations. So we subtracted that $800 from the total and got $4,128. Divide that by 250 swipes and we arrived at $16.52 per swipe. That means Bon Appétit is snatching $11.77 in value per converted swipe. This seems almost as sketchy as making every freshman buy an unwanted and overpriced plan in the first place. 

Features  Published 04/22/15 1:12pm

Best And Worst Of Fling Tanks 2k15

The first week after Fling is a special time for all. It’s a time to reflect: What a wonderful Fling you had! So many memories! It’s a time to regret: Did I really need to take that last shot? Or sleep with that guy? And why did we think THIS DESIGN was original?

But we’d like to take this time to respect (and reject) some of this year’s Fling tanks. Some were actually amusing. Some were unpleasantly boring. Some were desperately unclever. We get it, you wanted to stand out, and for better or worse, we noticed you. So as per tradition, accept our awards and comments with honor and pride, or remorse and defeat. It's hard to say.

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News  Published 04/22/15 11:53am

FroGro's Getting A Boozy Makeover

Get ready for FroGro’s second floor mezzanine area to never look the same again: Fresh Grocer has finally decided to start selling alcohol there! Though PA laws say that all liquor stores must be run by the state, FroGro, in likely more legal terms, has decided to stick it to the man. Since renovations have yet to begin, we've decided FroGro could use a few more suggestions before they start their makeover:

  • Re-install the ProntoPronto.
  • Create more hip, young, and all around "with-it" advertisements
  • Replace plastic with paper. Think of how cool an origami chain between the high-rises would look.
  • Rebrand with a nickname that makes more sense than FroGro.
  • Shake up food selection with some artisanal cheeses and maybe some all-natural soaps? Or just become a Whole Foods.
  • Build a memorial to commemorate this

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