News  Published 56 minutes ago

PHIL244 Professor Finds Dire Reason For Canceling Class

Even though you knew the drizzling rain outside is threateningly fatal, this professor goes above and beyond to show care for the safety of her students. So when you accidentally step into a grey pile of almost-slush today, remember: you might get stuck!

News  Published 2 hours ago

Now Accepting Applications For A More Exclusive Tinder

Stanford grad Amanda Bradford has come up with a new dating service called The League, a more selective (read: elitist) version of the Tindz that requires people to apply and be approved by an algorithm before they can get it on. This algorithm only judges the really important things, like whether you graduated from a top school, if your interests include sushi and snowboarding, and whether you enjoy overpriced home goods.

Honestly they've really hit the nail on the head here. After all, what do Ivy League millennials love more than online dating, job applications, and complex mathematical algorithms? But it’s okay, Amanda Bradford. We’re guessing you were probably just upset after some Tinder match from Palo Alto University stood you up. Necessity really is the mother of invention.

News  Published 4 hours ago

Ware Resident Lashes Out Against Bathroom Bandits

Apparently ignorance isn't bliss, "bitches." It's all fun and games when Quad freshmen leave their laundry to rot, but when they don't practice proper shower curtain etiquette, shit gets real. Clearly, this angry Ware resident doesn't like writing seminar as much as they "like to take a shower," because these comma splices just aren't very Ivy. 

News  Published 6 hours ago

New App Is GrubHub For Rich People

Nothing gold can stay, and boy was Robert Frost right. As an Ivy Leaguer, he knew how hard it is to prove one's cultural elitism since it seems like everyone is taking an Uber to Whisper in their Moncler. It's just getting really hard out there to prove you're high society. Luckily, there's a solution.

Caviar is like GrubHub except it's not for commoners. It has real-time GPS tracking and delivers from the best (read: $$$$$) restaurants in town. Want lobster, seared almond-crusted salmon, or even FEDERAL DONUTS? Interested in 1-year aged black footed pig tapas, grilled New York sirloin, or any dish from the Number 2 Best New Restaurant in America? Caviar has you covered. Study in style in Huntsman, and forget all the crushing inequality in the world. Real talk. 

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 Published 01/24/15 12:59pm


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 Published 01/23/15 2:46pm

Wawa Opens Rewards App, Penn Students Rejoice

Just as the sorrow of classes starting washes over the student body, the Wawa gods have blessed us with another reason to love them. Wawa is introducing a rewards app which will allow you to pay with preloaded gift cards, eliminating the need to bashfully pay for $1 coffee with a debit card. 

Users will earn reward items for every $50 they spend, which means a free hoagie for approximately every 11 sober and 7 intoxicated Wawa runs. The app will also provide nutrition information, a fact that we will henceforth never speak of again.

You can start working your way to your Wawa Gold Card (not an actual part of the app, but highly suggested UTB improvement) right away as all stores are now accepting payments from the app. Hurrah, hurrah, Wawa.

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News  Published 01/23/15 12:16pm

Jake's Fulfills Your Late Night Dreams

For those of you still holding on to hope of a healthy New Year’s resolution...sorry not sorry. We have some news that’ll make you wish you’d bought your workout clothes at least one size larger. 

Starting tonightJake’s Sandwich Board will begin the truly wonderful practice of staying open on Fridays and Saturdays until 3 a.m. because, unlike every dining hall on campus, Jake’s knows that Penn students are still down to eat after 8 p.m.

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News  Published 01/22/15 11:31am

Monster Wants To Be Your Caffeine Fix Today

In one of the bigger lol fuck yous of 2015 so far, Monster is passing out free caffeinated beverages directly in front of Starbucks. Guerrilla marketing? Yes. Will we take one? Sure. Is there another agenda here? You decide. But Starbucks, don't just stand there! Maybe take the cue and pass out some free grande mochas and pumpkin bread.

 Published 01/22/15 10:32am

The Tampons Look Like Tampons: A Public Reminder

Alexander Liberman was a fascinating sculptor and one of the most-creative forces of the 20th century. "Covenant" cost over 100,000 USD to construct. In case you forgot, it also looks like a tampon. It's snowing too, btw. Penn students just get it.

 Published 01/21/15 4:05pm

Wistar Brings Us Magnificent Magnification

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to see a picture of a Wawa hoagie magnified 1500 times? Or your TA's weird mole? Or your roommate's toothbrush? Not to worry, the Wistar Institute, aka the building that was under construction for centuries, has (sort of) answered your prayers

Wistar will be hosting an exhibit of winning entries from the Nikon Small World Photomicrography Competition by showcasing mind-blowing photographs of everyday objects shot through microscopes and magnified at up to 1500x. In other words, everyone gets an excuse to go to a building that you otherwise will never set foot in. The exhibit lasts until March 6, so attend now before midterms begin or forever hold your peace.

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