Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Bathroom Review: Amy Gutmann's House


Graphic by Sam Sedor  / Photo from Gareth Simpson / Flickr CC BY-2.0

Thank you so much, dedicated readers of my bathroom reviews. (That doesn’t apply to you, Bingus Michaelson. I read your spam comments every week and they hurt me.) Without your support, I could never have gotten the opportunity to review the holy grail of bathrooms: the bathroom in Penn president Amy Gutmann’s house.

The first thing I noticed upon entering was that instead of a mirror above the sink, there was a large oil painting of Amy Gutmann. In the corner of the painting, I noticed an inscription: “Thank you, Amy, for years of friendship, and that illegal deal we have where you funnel students into my company. Your friend, Goldman.” I’m not sure what that message meant.

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

6 Signs Your Resume Is Actually a Cry for Help


Photo by Pixabay / CC0

1. You format it correctly. Nothing screams “help me” like knowing how to actually format a resume. Sure, you might have a higher chance of getting an interview, but just know that everybody is very, very concerned for you.

2. One of your hobbies/interests includes knitting. If your resume is an achievement-padded facade for your actual self, please at least look like you’re trying. There’s an endless number of things you can do to make yourself look more accomplished than you already are. “I broke the daily high score in Subway Surfers once” or “I kinda know how to swim” are a couple of them. Knitting is not.

3. Your name is Phineas. Fuck off, Phineas.

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

I’m a Recruiter For a Large Corporation. Let’s Drink Coffee Until Our Eyes Twitch


Photo by Spencer Selover / CC0

Hi. Thanks for coming to this coffee chug. I got you two Dunkin’ Boxes of Joe. That’s a gallon of coffee, which should be enough.

Nice suit. It was smart of you to wear a suit to this. That’s what people typically wear to these.

Go ahead, drink your coffee. Isn’t it hot? Isn’t it bitter? Notice how alive it makes you feel. No other beverage can make you feel that way.

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Amazing! Penn Professor Discovers That Sine-Squared Is a Parabola


Photo by Ttrung / Public Domain

It was shaping up to be just another PHYS 150 lecture. But then, inspiration suddenly struck Professor Chuck Jackson, who was writing out the small angle approximation for the sine function on the board.

"In physics, we often say that sin(x) = x for small values of x," explained Jackson. "Over the years, I've taught the concept so much that I've just kind of internalized it to mean that sin(x) is always x. We use this idea quite a lot in physics."

In fact, Jackson uses this idea so much that he has been known to take off points when students don't immediately replace sin(x) with x when solving equations. Even when the problem requires integrating the sine function from zero to pi.

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 Published 18 hours ago

VIDEO: Bad OCR Interviews

If you know anyone looking for an internship, this position is probably still open.

To watch last week's video, click here!

Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Guest Columnist | I'm Bored of Ranting to My Facebook Friends, So I'll Do It Here Instead


Photo by Seyoung Kim

Hi. It's me.

Some of you might know me from my witty, insightful Facebook posts on current events. I explore a huge range of topics, from political culture to policy to politics. I have expertise in some of these subjects, but not most. Still, I manage to have a strong opinion on all of them. My preferred style of writing is the 5-paragraph essay (à la middle school), but I have been known to mix it up with a single-sentence paragraph on occasion. Edgy, right?

You may be wondering why I'm writing here, if I enjoy writing Facebook posts so much. Simply put, I'm suffering from low engagement on my posts (through no fault of my own, of course). There are only so many times you can post inflammatory political arguments on social media before people just stop responding.

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Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Selfless Student Fails Random Classes’ Midterms to Improve their Curves


Photo from: Pixabay / CC0

It’s hard to find real heroes in today’s world. While the rest of us can barely spare the time to help out a fellow Quaker, James Kaplan (W ’19) is out there fighting the good fight.

“It’s midterm season; everyone’s stressed,” the modern day Gandhi related to us. “I just wanted to help out.”

Kaplan goes above and beyond the call of academic duty by finding out which classes are having midterms on any given day, and purposely taking and failing every single one of these tests. By selflessly lowering midterm averages across campus, Kaplan hopes to improve the curve for everyone.

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Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Kid Beats the System; Drinks Alone in His Room


Public Domain, edited

It’s been tough-going for the party scene at Penn recently. Due to the newly energized and well-funded task force dedicated to “preventing sexual assault,” our reputation as Playboy’s 2014 Top Party School has been getting tarnished all over the place. Not only are super hip, cool gaming sessions being shut down by the Penn Police, but less exciting frat parties are also being regulated and shut down left and right! Even Halloweekend is in danger of ruin due to the administration’s scheduling of October 31st on a Tuesday. The brightest thinkers at this great university have been struggling to find a way around these new constraints.

Enter Paul Deacon (N ‘19) — the hero we didn’t know we needed, and don’t really need, but kind of want. Deacon had an idea last Friday after taking a midterm. He was feeling really burnt-out and wanted to let loose for the night, but he realized that any parties he went to were bound to get shut down or would require an ID to drink. “After that it just came to me,” Deacon told us. “The way to beat the system is to drink alone in my room!”

His solution is simple, clear, and can fit on a t-shirt. We’re 100% on board.

Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Frat Bartender Busted for Serving Freshmen Dirt-Cheap Rum When They Asked for Dirt-Cheap Vodka


Photo by George Hodan / Public Domain; Wjdpr / CC BY-ASA-3.0; Miika Silfverberg / CC BY-SA-2.0 (with edits)

Just when you thought it was safe to party again.

Last weekend, Penn Police arrested sophomore Brandon Wilson on charges of serving dirt-cheap rum to minors when they asked for a different variety of dirt-cheap alcohol instead.

“We are committed to keeping students safe,” commented the arresting officer. “When they request one poorly-mixed drink and receive a slightly different poorly-mixed drink, their security is at risk.”

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Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Roommate Too Busy to Wash Dishes but Still Has Time to Fuck That Guy 2.5 Times a Day


Photo from: MaxPixel / CC0

According to her roommate, Taylor Otto (C '20), Rachel Greenfield (E '20) is seriously the worst. Taylor had totally thought they were going to be best friends after spending 80 minutes together during NSO, but boy was she wrong. Rachel doesn't really take out the trash that often. Taylor is pretty sure that Rachel hasn't filled up the Brita filter once this semester. Some weekends Rachel does this thing where she comes home drunk and pukes in the sink, even though the toilet is right there! Worst of all? Rachel never does her dishes.

Whenever Taylor sends Rach a not-too-passive-aggressive-sounding text asking why dishes have been in the sink for 13 days, Rachel always explains how busy she is: "I'm so sorry, I'll get around to it as soon as I have any free time!"

Rachel explained why she never even has 10 minutes, which is pretty reasonable, to do her dishes. "Honestly, I'm always running late to some class or important meeting right after I eat, so I never have time to wash my dishes!" said Rachel, who always makes time for multiple rounds of sexual intercourse with this one guy she's been seeing (and it's loud, too).

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