Satire  Published 20 minutes ago

Here Are the New University Guidelines on Social Events


Photo: Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn's administration recently unveiled its new set of guidelines for social events, in the wake of heavy criticism regarding events being shut down. The guidelines are reproduced in full below. 

1. All student groups must register any event they are holding, thinking about holding, or have ever held.

2. Registrations must be submitted at least four years prior to the event.

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Satire  Published 2 hours ago

Philosophy Major Fails Statistics, Doesn’t Know Probability of Getting Job


Photo: Pixabay

Senior Julie Bryson, (C '18), says her Intro to Statistics is her “least favorite class ever.” This might be because she is on track to fail.

Bryson is a Philosophy major and a strong believer in existentialism, the freedom to define one’s own meaning in life. “This stats class is just a stupid requirement and has no meaning in my life. So I never go.” Bryson says she believes all statistics are fake, anyway. “A steady income after graduation will just distract me from discovering who I really am.”

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Satire  Published 4 hours ago

Spotted: Seniors Playing Spikeball in Crosswalk While Cars Yield


Photo: Seth Fein, Elvert Barnes / CC BY-SA 2.0 (with edits)

Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Penn Chalk Marketing Society Holds Inaugural GBM


Photo by MJ Kang / the Daily Pennsylvanian

"Do you ever see sidewalk chalk advertisements for events and auditions and think, 'damn, I wish my club members cared that much'?" So began the first general body meeting of the University of Pennsylvania Chalk Marketing Society. At the meeting, which was held on Tuesday evening in Huntsman F95, chair and founder Jonah Meier (W'19) spoke about his vision for the new club to a rapt audience of seven.

"I'm sure you've noticed a bunch of chalk drawings all around campus at this time of year," said Meier, referring to the countless student government and event advertisements scribbled on Locust. "I was like, what if you don't have the time or talent to make these sick, eye-catching block letters? That's where our club comes in."

Aiming to fill an unattended niche in campus life ("We're not just another a cappella group," Meier interjected proudly), the Penn Chalk Marketing Society (or PCMS) will provide chalk-based advertising to other Penn clubs. In this way, Meier hopes to level the playing field of campus groups. "I feel like there's this hierarchy of clubs here at Penn, and that's absolutely reflected in the quantity and quality of each club's sidewalk art," he explained. "We hope to change that."

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Satire  Published 7 hours ago

Sad! Junior Rejected From Internships She Didn't Even Apply To


Photo by Free-Photos / CC0

When junior Penelope Marsh (C'18) checked her email inbox on Wednesday morning, she found a slew of internship rejection emails - nine, to be precise. The incident, already depressing, was exacerbated by a baffling fact: Marsh did not remember applying to any of these internships.

"I mean, I talked to some of these companies at the career fairs last week," Marsh recalled, fighting back tears. "But I didn't realize that meant I was actually applying to them. I just wanted the free stuff they were giving out."

We spoke with a representative from RedEatsX, a Philadelphia-based food startup. "We had a very strong pool of applicants this fall," said Amy Brooks, who collected Marsh's contact information at the career fair in exchange for a free pen. "At these events, we get a very large number of interested applicants. Penny March - what's that? Oh, right, Penelope Marsh had a very strong application, and a cool email address, but unfortunately she just didn't stand out to us."

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Satire  Published 09/20/17 6:12pm

Club Members Excited to See Each Other for First Time Since Last September


Photo: The Daily Pennsylvanian

It’s going to be an exciting week for the members of one of Penn’s most prominent clubs.

Sources confirmed that the members of this club - whose name has remained hidden for anonymity purposes - are expected to have their highly-anticipated annual GBM some time this week.

“The last GBM was a blast,” said Edward Lin, President of this renowned club. “We talked about our recruitment plans, we added 12 new subcommittees to our 18 existing committees, and some of us even got to actually talk to one another and meet. Oh and Obama was still president, so that was cool.”

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Satire  Published 09/20/17 1:09pm

Missed Connections: September 13–20


Photo: Sam Sedor / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Big Brown Eyes

It was on Locust, between 39th and 40th. I was walking with my headphones in and not paying attention, but for a moment, I looked up. Our eyes locked. Yours, a deep, soulful brown; mine, also brown. I knew from that moment I wanted you. I'll never forget what you said to me: "Arf, arf."

If you want to go for a walk sometime, just wag your tail.

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Satire  Published 09/20/17 11:48am

Former High School Valedictorian Confused That She Sucks at Studying Now


Photo by Stephen S. / CC BY 2.0

Karen Cooper (C '19) was a truly excellent student in high school, even if she only got into the College. She was the kid that made a set of flashcards on Quizlet before every quiz and test, and shared them with the whole class. What a baller. It was no surprise that Cooper graduated at the top of her class– suck it, Tommy Finnegan (just kidding, how's Cornell going?).

But now that Cooper is in college, she's lost her touch. Instead of focusing on her work, she halfheartedly glances at her readings, taking breaks to scroll through Facebook, murmuring "that squirrel page isn't what it used to be." So, we asked Cooper what's up.

"Honestly, I don't know how I was so much better at studying before! I used to like school. Midterms were no thing to me when they were once a year," she confessed. 

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Satire  Published 09/20/17 6:51am

5 Ways to Show Your Professor How Much You Love "Weird Al" Yankovic


Photo by Rob DiCaterino / CC BY 2.0

Everybody loves "Weird Al" Yankovic, but no one loves him as much as you do. The only issue is how to demonstrate the depth of your adoration for Alfred Matthew "Weird Al" Yankovic, America's most handsome accordionist, to your professor. Here are some tips.

1. Just be honest

Sometimes, simple solutions are best. Approach your professor after class and tell them: "I love Weird Al Yankovic, one of the funniest men in music. I love him more than anyone, and I'd do anything for him. I see him in my dreams. Anyway, thanks for the great lecture!"

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Satire  Published 09/19/17 6:42pm

Crime Log: September 13-20


Artwork by MJ Kang

Public Nudity

Sep 13: Sophomore caught stripping outside Frontera. While in court, he explained that he was unaware that he would be SABsing that day and his outfit wasn’t up to par. 

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