Satire  Published 21 hours ago

Was Pumpkin Pie Invented by Satan to Sell Sex? A Local Conspiracy Theorist Gives His Take


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Was pumpkin pie invented by Satan to sell sex? "Absolutely. Yes," remarked Billy Font in a rare in-person interview with UTB's top conspiracy correspondent. 

Font has been de-bunking "so-called 'official' government authored, media crafted" stories since, as Billy so ardently put it, "before any of your goddamn blog's readers gained a sense of moral agency."

Font's latest investigation traces the origins of pumpkin pie in popular myth and oral tradition to Lucifer himself. 

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Satire  Published 11/22/17 1:47am

Penn to Build New Dorm in Cayman Islands


Photo edited by MJ Kang / the Daily Pennsylvanian. Original sources: Roger W / CC BY-SA 2.0, and public domain images.

Just a few days after Penn was named in the Paradise Papers as an organization with accounts held at the virtually tax-free Cayman Islands, the University Board of Trustees has announced plans to construct a new college house in the Caribbean British territory. Construction will occur simultaneously with New College House West. The Board cited “space restrictions in the current system” as the reason for the project.

“We believe the islands are currently a dead space,” President Amy Gutmann said. “We should take advantage of the opportunities they offer.”

“For our students,” she added.

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Satire  Published 11/22/17 1:43am

How to Have a Friendsgiving When Your Only Friend Is Your Pet Rock Named ‘Bobby’


Photo by San José Public Library on Flickr / CC BY-SA 2.0

You’re from California and all your friends back home get an entire week off for Thanksgiving, while Penn students only get 2 days off. All the trendy kids that are still on campus are having “Friendsgivings,” and you’re considering doing the same. Only you realize that your only companion is a rock you found in fourth grade. Feeling lonely? Don’t sweat it. Here are some things you can do:

Eat dinner with your pet rock named “Bobby” - What were you expecting? You don’t have any friends except for Bobby. It’s still a Friendsgiving, I guess.

Hope that Bobby has friends - Sure, you might turn out to be that one friend that nobody knows, but it’s better than eating alone, right?

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Satire  Published 11/22/17 1:43am

OP-ED: To Whom'st'dve It May Concern'ed, I Am Much Qualified to Thriving in Dynamic Corporate Setting Passionate for My Experience Vis-A-Vis the Customer Liaison Which a Parallel to My Interests and Career Aspirations as Such Hire Me Pls


Photo: M Dreibelbis / CC BY 2.0

To whom'st'dve it may concern'ed,

       Greetings! My name Gena Basha and I am fourth year student at the University of Pennsylvania. Looking to launch my career, I myself did discovered your listing online. This position much aligned closely with my experience and aspirations. I have many a strong background in marketing, b2b, business, writing bylines, careers, work and am thus therefore in fact however looking for position in customer service retail technical marketing consulting branding startup. This position at yours very own such as company would allow me to encourage pursue my interest in retail and tech-ing, and in exchange I would bring a fresh, advantageous multi-faceted head-itching attitude!

        In the many of workplaces I have positioned and consumed, I am much qualified to thriving in dynamic corporate setting passionate for my experience vis-a-vis the customer liaison. I have the strong communication skills with the customers so the guarantee I can leverage for my interests and point of view such as. I am capable also to assess the private equity concerns however in order to cultivate dynamics in the corporation.

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Satire  Published 11/21/17 4:16pm

Dining Dollars Now Only Accepted at Denny's for 3% of Dollar Value


Photo by Billy Hathorn / CC SA 3.0

In an unexpected but exciting move, Penn Dining announced that it will be removing Dining Dollars as a payment option at restaurants and cafés on Penn’s campus. Instead, the currency will only be accepted at a few specific locations of the national diner-style restaurant chain Denny’s, at a conversion rate of one Dining Dollar to three US cents.

Dining services touted the change as a major improvement to Penn’s dining system.

“We started selling mediocre food for very high prices a long time ago, and now we’re continuing and expanding on that tradition with terrible food for disgustingly exorbitant prices,” a representative said in an email.

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Satire  Published 11/21/17 1:18am

OP-ED: I Wish Penn Admins Cared About Me as Much as They Care About the PULSE Survey


Photo by Lauren Sorantino

It seems like Penn cares an awful lot about the Campus PULSE survey, but what I really need is for the institution I attend to express at least a fraction of that interest in me.

I have received tens of emails about this "PULSE survey" from countless Penn administrators and organizations.

Dean Eric J. Furda himself sent me a personal email about the survey, requesting that I "please take some time now (~20 minutes) to make your voice heard."

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Satire  Published 11/21/17 1:15am

How to Explain the Turkey Pardon to an International Student


Photo by JamainOpenClipart-Vectors (edited) / CC BY-SA 1.0

Ah, American traditions. From Groundhog Day to President’s Day, it can be hard to keep track of the annual whims of the American people. Today, in preparation for Thanksgiving, one of the weirdest American traditions will occur - the turkey pardon.

To help you explain the turkey pardon to an international student, UTB has answered some frequently asked questions:

1. What is a turkey pardon?

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Satire  Published 11/20/17 8:47pm

PennInTouch Acceptance Rate Drops to All-Time Low


Photo: Joy Lee / The Daily Pennsylvanian

After securing a top ten slot in the Times higher education world university rankings, Penn has set its sights even higher. For years, our humble not-state-school has been bullied by heavyweights such as Harvard, Princeton and Stanford in elite college rankings. All rankings, that is, except for one. Across the nation, universities have striven to make their course-scheduling websites as open and accessible as possible. But here at the University of Pennsylvania, the gleaming torch of competition and rigorous selectivity still burns brightly against the hoards of the unenlightened.

Boasting a jaw-dropping 5.6 percent acceptance rate, PennInTouch is the envy of its peers. Other schools are taking note. Dartmouth representative Claire Bolford released a press statement late Monday noting that “While Penn’s reign is impressive, Dartmouth would like to note that ever since the last known computer technician who knew how to find Hanover vanished in a snowdrift, our numbers have been within a percentage point of theirs.”

Twice each academic year, Penn students wake up to Scheduling Day with equal parts anticipation and sheer terror.

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Satire  Published 11/20/17 4:32pm

Petition: Junior Class 'Sweaters' Are Actually Sweatshirts, Impeach Class Board


Photo by Yolanda Chen / The Daily Pennsylvanian

When my parents paid a sick $37.75 for my Junior Class Sweater, I was thrilled. People would recognize that I'm an upperclassman— I'm just taking Econ 001 because I need to fulfill the Society sector, okay? Plus, I would have a cute fall sweater that I could wear homecoming weekend. But when I finally picked up that bad boy after waiting eighteen hours in line, I was disappointed. Because, my P-sweater? It's really more like a P-sweatshirt.

Can you say false advertising?

If you think this cruel, cotton/polyester-blended deception is wrong, take a stand with me. First, please sign my petition: informally titled “The Ability to Have a Social Life at Penn, but Wearing Sweaters, not Sweatshirts.” And if that doesn't get 100,000 signatures, please contribute to my GoFundMe, because I think I could totally sue the 2019 Class Board for fraud.

Satire  Published 11/20/17 3:32pm

Tuition Hike Expected After Gutmann Loses $50 Million in Bets on Harvard-Yale Game


Photo edited by MJ Kang / The Daily Pennsylvanian. Sources: Daniel X. O'Neil / CC BY 2.0, Harvard / CC BY-SA 2.0, and Alex Small / The Daily Pennsylvanian.

Penn is already one of the least affordable universities in the United States, and after this latest development, it may be getting more expensive. This past weekend, the University’s funds took a major hit when Amy Gutmann lost 50 million dollars in various bets on the Harvard-Yale football game. In order to cover these losses, tuition for each undergraduate is expected to increase by 5 percent.

Gutmann publicly apologized for her actions in a press release on Sunday. “My decision to put 20 million dollars in University funding on Harvard getting a 37-yard field goal in the third quarter was not a smart one in hindsight,” Gutmann admitted. “However, at 10/1 odds, I simply had no choice. If only I picked the first quarter, we would be able to afford a new college house.”

While the bets may not have been successful, the University stands by Gutmann’s decisions. She has reportedly been closely following the Ivy League football conference all season long and, while she struck out big time this year, she promises Penn students that she will win the money back next year. “I’m going to watch game film closely, follow the statistics like a hawk, and come back like you’ve never seen before,” Gutmann promised undergraduates.

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