News  Published 7 hours ago

Spotify Told The Whole World We Have Crappy Music Taste

Spotify played creepy corporate big brother this week and named us the 34th most musical school in the country based on subscriptions and listening habits. Unlike most of the ranking bullshit-storm, though, they actually released a pretty detailed breakdown of how we get down. Hint: Playboy def won't be inviting us to DJ one of their parties anytime soon. The highlights:

1. We can hate on SPEC all we want but we're kinda down with Magic Man. And now DARLING. All that [fling] shit's BEHIND US. You know we held on TOO MUCH. 

2. Amy Gutmann Time 2 Shine mind control program is complete. John Legend is officially stuck in all our heads and we like it.

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Features  Published 09/19/14 4:24pm

Race To The UA Part II: One Hour Left To Not Vote For These People

Once again the freshmen teach us that  just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Voting closes at 5 p.m. today, and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll give this a read before sealing your class’s fate.

In what can only be described as 58 seconds you’ll never get back Dawit Gebresellasdhsdajfk(sp?) tries be like Chuck Norris…and it’s uncomfortable at best. The self-proclaimed “Most Interesting Candidate in the World” doesn’t waste a second—he hits us with his qualifications (only those unrelated to the responsibilities of UA President, of course) and drowns us in elevator music. Shut it down, shut it down now.

And then there was this Wharton Class Chair campaign poster which, to put it mildly, completely crossed the line. Putting your photo between Joseph Kony and Joseph Stalin? Not only is that completely inappropriate, offensive, insensitive, and other harsher adjectives, but this also might be the only way to insure that NO ONE votes for you.

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 Published 09/19/14 1:16pm

Flyerer of the Week: Muslim Student Association

Did you avoid Locust this week because of scary, annoying freshmen? Probably a good move, but like, yo we got you covered. Flyerer Of The Week goes to these dudes from the Muslim Student Association. We tried not to say anything culturally insensitive (and ultimately failed). 

So, who are you and why are you on the walk?

I'm Habeeb (plz be the right spelling) and I'm Ali. We're part of the Muslim Student Association, a student group for Muslim and non-Muslim students to come together and support each other.

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 Published 09/18/14 4:15pm

Baltimore Dollar Stroll From 5:30 to 8:30 Tonight! -- Don't miss University City District's popular event along Baltimore Avenue between 43rd and 51st streets! Get just outside the Penn bubble and enjoy $1 food and drank -- from samosas at Desi to hot dogs at Green Line -- plus free live entertainment. So be sure to SABS on down the road with your cheap Little Baby's ice cream and Dock Street beer -- and check Street's guide here.

News  Published 09/18/14 1:09pm

Pure Fare Comes To Houston Hall!

Einstein's usurper has been identified! According to our insider source, the newest addition to the Houston basement is none other than our former food truck friend, Pure Fare. We are a little offended Penn didn't cater to our survey based demands, but we can all rejoice at the prospect of the Houston salad line dwindling as the leggings are lured elsewhere. 

Although the arrival date of the stationary Pure Fare is TBA (i.e. probably not this semester), we are already looking forward to guzzling green drinks and feeling nutritiously superior to those daring to taint their mouths with anything inorganic. Hangover bagel meet hangover gluten-free vegan sweet potato brownie. 

 Published 09/18/14 11:45am

STREET Presents: Mind Your Own Business

This week, Street knows you have the future on the brain (don't we all) and we're here to suggest a nice deep breath. Ahhhhhh, now read our feature about options for success besides OCR. It's going to be okay, really, we promise.

A lot is going on this week, starting with today's Baltimore Dollar Stroll. You should go, let Ego convince you. Highbrow explains why it's so sick of performing arts shows, Music has some cool musicians to liven up your twitter feed and Lowbrow stays relevant with a welcoming guide to PennApps. Food and Drink helps you cook fish in a way that's easy and tasty (hint it's tacos!) and Arts has ideas to make your meal a little more aesthetically pleasing. Make it and instagram your #Streeeats. Also, lots of people are naked on tv these days. Film and TV helps us process it (thank you!). 

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News  Published 09/17/14 4:15pm

Is It What It Is?

We immediately dismissed the above email as a new campus startup (Uber for Fundamentalist Groups!) but quickly entered crISIS mode. Now, we're the same people who found PENN15 funny, but that's where acronyms gone awry should end. In any case, we  clicked on the link (duh) and were directed to a SEAS site (screenshot below) run by the Materials Science department offering us three steps, of which we understood none. 

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 Published 09/17/14 10:00am

Amy G To Host Her Spookiest Halloween Gala Yet: An Afternoon Celebrating Innovation at Penn

In what's probably one of the vaguest invitations of all time, Her Highness Amy Gutmann has cordially invited us all to celebrate innovation at Penn's South Bank this October 31st. Um.........sure? Yeah, cool. Innovation! We do that! The event's gonna feature talks from Penn’s top brainiacs, researchers and professors. So...basically an afternoon lecture. Perfect for Halloween!

There'll also be a networking reception, but we all know that's just code for  haunted hayride---which is why it's inferable that you should wear a costume to this thing. The most innovative costume gets, well, nothing. But Penn is providing the transportaysh so unless you're spooked by iNnOvAtIoN, there's no reason not to go (and hello, AMY will be there!!!). 

News  Published 09/16/14 10:37pm

UTB After Dark: 2018 Class Board Elections Bring Saddest Rap Battle of All Time

YIKES. Brace yourselves, Penn, because this is cringe-worthy. Every fall, an absurdly large crop of wide-eyed, over-competitive freshmen make bids for elected positions of "power" for Class Board and Undergraduate Assembly. We're used to the bad puns and corny vids and the consistent lack of swagger among 18-year-old boys who were recently in high school. (Can you say girl power?)

Well, frosh prez candidates Barry Oshiba and Noah Falk have outdone 'em all with a painfully bad rap battle. They're linked below, but warning: you'll prob vomit a little in your mouth and boycott ever voting for either of these candidates, who need to do way, way less.

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News  Published 09/16/14 7:14pm

Proof That Everything Fun Happens While You're Suffering In Class

To the doubters: We are the #1 party school. If giggly, loveable eastern European girls running around asking guys to kiss them isn't a party, then what is? But there are more important things to consider. Who are these girls? Do they even go to Penn? Did they come all the way from Ukraine just to kiss some Penn dudes? What will JerryLiu think of next? Are you a Mary or a Nastia? So many questions. So much giggling.

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