Published 9 hours ago

UTB Presents: A-Gut Presenting Malala

If you got too caught up in shopping with Usher, you might not have heard that Philly was graced with the incredible Malala Yousafzai at Forbes Under 30 Summit earlier this week! And guess who introduced her...? Who else but our flawless president, Amy Gutmann! We can only imagine how picturesque the moment was (read: we haven't laid eyes on any photos of the pair, ugh). 

Looks like Amy is on a roll, racking up honors and accomplishments like she's some kind of wonderful. Keep doing your thang Ms. Prez, we’ll just sit here and continue documenting your elegance

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News  Published 11 hours ago

Tragedy of the Commons III: Hella Fruit Flies

So it seems a swarm of fruit flies has descended on the Commons' stash of rolls. One might not think that this basket of stale bread would be the #1 destination for flies, but apparently anything's possible. It's really almost a situation where you can't even be mad, just sort of disappointed. If only we could say that this was the first time something like this has happened, but alas. Still though, let's look on the bright side -- it's just a lil' extra protein! And realistically this could have been much, much worse.


News  Published 13 hours ago

Penn Increases Green Stuff

Being the President of Presidents isn't some lazy-ass job, so Amy has been dropping initiatives left and right. Whether it has been co-hosting the dopest halloween party on campus (Madeon who?) or being the hottest 65 year old on this planet, A-Gut has been on her grind. Coinciding with Green Week, Penn has launched Climate Action Plan 2.0, a "roadmap for environmental improvement and sustainability on campus to 2019 and beyond." 

The original Climate Action Plan has already achieved success across campus, including cutting carbon emissions 18 percent since 2007, reducing the amount of waste to landfills by 10 percent, offering more than 170 courses related to sustainability and increased sustainable food. Goals for CAP 2.0 include 7 percent carbon reduction by 2019, in line with a goal of carbon neutrality by 2042 and a lot of other dope stuff that's a little over our heads. But Greenzo def approves. 


News  Published 15 hours ago

Free Flu Shots in Houston -- If you're doing Thirsty Thursday proper tonight, consider heading down to Bodek Lounge in Houston Hall between 11am and 7:30pm today or next Wednesday for a free flu shot (with PennCard). Five minutes and a little injection and you'll only have to worry about one terrifying disease tonight. 



News  Published 10/22/14 6:41pm

People Care A Lot About Not Caring About The UA

After the DP posted about the Undergraduate Assembly Secretary resigning on Monday, the student body had a lot to say, mostly about how few shits they actually gave. Currently the number of "upvotes" received rivals the number of ballots cast in an actual election. Why you may ask? Well, this. Or perhaps, this


News  Published 10/22/14 2:36pm

We Always Knew There Was Something Living In Van Pelt

Apparently, the fourth floor bathroom of Van Pelt has a different kind of pest problem. We thought Sasquatch's elusiveness was comparable to A-Gut's, but it turns out he's been in good ol' VP this whole time! 

While we value all of Penn's custodial staff, whoever did this is definitely our favorite.


News  Published 10/22/14 12:52pm

BREAKING: USHER SPOTTED IN FROGRO!!!

This is our confession: At 10:46am today, USHER (allegedly) visited 40th and Walnut FroGro. And he used cash. The superstar is in Philly for an upcoming concert at the Wells Fargo Center, making us fall in love with him all over again.


 Published 10/22/14 12:29pm

Polly Wants A Crack At Living Healthy

Penn Vets at Ryan Hospital have graced us with an emotional roller coaster of a story that rivals the likes of The Fault in Our Stars. Recently, they operated on nine-year-old Bocelli, an African-Grey parrot, and assured him a second chance at living a fulfilling bird-life. Not content to parrot the techniques of other hospitals, Dr. Dana Clarke used a laser inserted into Bocelli’s throat to cut away scar tissue that made it hard for cutie to breathe. 

Bocelli is now back home recovering, catching up on tweets, and snapping Instas for A Day in the Life at Penn. However, the doctors at Penn Vet aren’t the only intelligent chicks around. Bocelli has a 150-word vocabulary, and considering this is more extensive than the average Wharton student’s, we have to say we’re glad he’s still around to assure that his owner never gets any goddamn peace and quiet. Here's to a speedy recovery, Bocelli!


News  Published 10/22/14 10:29am

Amy G Adding Another Leadership Position To Her Resume

While us peasants are spending today  capturing our #PennDayinLife (which isn't grammatically correct), aka crying as we eat Wawa in the back our Stat lecture, Madame President is killing it as usual. Last year, our beautiful blonde bombshell was elected Vice-Chair of the Association of American Universities (the AAU for the uneducated) and we correctly predicted her future promotion. That's right, beginning today, A-Gut will be serving as the chair of the board of directors for the AAU!

As the President of Presidents, A-Gut will finally be able to solve all of Penn's most pressing problems (can we finally get that Whomping Willow?). The world is Amy's oyster and we can only hope she doesn't pack up her pantsuits leave us for something better ~**#ClintonGutmann2016~**.


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