Satire  Published 5 hours ago

OP-ED: I Want the Family Sitting Next to Me at This Banana Leaf BYO to Adopt Me, But I'm Afraid I'm Too Drunk to Take Care of the Legal Documents


Photo of Banana Leaf from TripAdvisor

We were three boat races in. At that precise moment, the isolated table made for drunk Penn kids in the back of Banana Leaf started to feel more like prison than paradise. So, I turn around, look up behind me and there they are: Shannon and Howard. Shannon and Howard are two grown-ass, married adults just trying to eat their Roti Canai and their Pineapple Rice in peace on a Thursday at 6:36 PM. 

We were just a boring group of 19 to 22-year-olds. So, I escaped. I sat myself down next to Shannon and Howard. Shannon and Howard: power couple, foodies, model citizens, and... my new parents? 

I brought a half-empty box of Franzia up to their table as a table-warming gift, so as not to offend the kind couple. And Shannon and Howard killed it. They were down to clown: Shannon poured herself an overflowing glass and Howard even slapped the bag. To them, I represented their lost youth and their college years. To me, they represented my new parents. 

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Satire  Published 7 hours ago

Visual Studies Major Finally Learns to See


Photo by Elizabeth Beugg

Miracles do happen—after 8 course credits, Visual Studies junior Naomi Kahn has finally learned to see. “Don’t get me wrong,” said Kahn, “I’ve always been able to see, but now I know how to see.”

Kahn noted that this accomplishment came as a great relief. “They say it usually happens sometime during VLST-211, but it took me until VSLT-223,” she said. “I was so worried my tuition money was going to go to waste.”

Kahn said sight has proven extremely useful. “My other classes are going to be so much easier now.”

Satire  Published 03/16/18 5:45pm

Study Shows 99% of Students Who Hate Making Small Talk on Locust Love Making Small Talk About How Much They Hate It


Photo from Phil Roeder / CC BY-SA 2.0

It’s the same thing every day. Students with headphones in, eyes fixed on the ground or glued to phones, hustling to get to their destination before they run into a polite acquaintance (or, like, are late to a meeting or something). The Penn student body is wildly diverse, but everybody can agree on one thing: making small talk on Locust sucks.

“I go to bed stressed every night and wake up exhausted every morning, and I know what the culprit is,” said Mandy Greenberg (C ’19). “I really hate running into people from my freshman hall on Locust.”

However, Greenberg knows she’s not alone. She claims that she’s talked about it at, like, five BYOs she’s been to, and everyone agrees that it’s the worst. In fact, a recent study has shown that over 99% of students hate making small talk on Locust, but love making small talk about how much they hate it. Conversations about how much people hate running into acquaintances on Locust are the third most common topic of conversation, with comparisons of exam schedules or hours of sleep last night coming in first and second, respectively. The fourth most common topic of conversation is how "it doesn't suck to see you though, but just in general, you know? Let's get coffee sometime!"

Satire  Published 03/16/18 12:55pm

Junior Goes to Happy Hour, Remains Depressed


Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom / CC0

After a particularly difficult post-spring break deluge of midterms, Karina Jacoby (W '19) was eager to seek some relief at Distrito happy hour with a group of girlfriends Thursday evening.

But, by the time 7 p.m. rolled around, Jacoby was distraught to realize that her depression—aggravated by her stressful week—had not miraculously vanished, despite the event's promise of a better mood.

"Am I missing something here? It's called 'happy hour,' isn't it?" Jacoby recalled asking herself after returning home from the popular Mexican eatery still feeling sad, lethargic, and disinterested. "It was fun, sure, and the margaritas were good. But not good enough to replenish my serotonin levels, I guess."

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Satire  Published 03/16/18 12:51pm

5 Signs the Talkative White Guy in Your Seminar Was on Debate Team in High School


Photo from Pexels / CC0

  1. He’s a talkative white guy. Chances are, he probably takes up half of the discussion time in class. But hey, he’s all for free speech, so it’s only fair that he gets the last word.
  2. He “piggybacks off of what you just said” all the time, only to then say something completely unrelated. Or, alternatively, he says the exact same thing, just with slightly different wording.
  3. He plays devil’s advocate to literally everything. Like, everything, including stuff there’s literally no reason to play devil’s advocate for. He’s probably tried to defend something pretty fucked up like colonization or something. At some point in time, you’ve definitely wondered whether or not his shitty “devil’s advocate” position actually reflects his own personal views.
  4. He cuts you off at every possible moment. For your next recitation, try taking a shot every time this happens, but make sure you call MERT before you do.
  5. He wears a suit to every class and always talks like he’s at a podium. Seriously, why do they do this? You say, “Hey, what’s up dude?” and he adjusts his tie and gives a 60-second opening speech about how throwing up in the Uber last night was not his fault. He’s pretty fuckin’ weird, bro.

Satire  Published 03/16/18 12:31pm

Professor Gets Wrong Idea From Student After Being Taken to Lunch, Ends up Heartbroken


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Under the Button recently received leaked screenshots of an email correspondence between one well-intentioned, but ultimately misleading, student and one hopelessly romantic professor. The emails, in all their heartbreaking glory, are reprinted below.

3/2/2018, 6:24 PM

Dear Professor Bottelman,

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Satire  Published 03/15/18 7:34pm

Confirmed: Suitemate Not Having Torrid Sex in Room, Just Playing Wii Tennis


Photo by JOE MADONNA / CC BY 2.0

After 38 long minutes of investigation, Ryan Chakrabarti (C '20) confirmed that the grunting, panting, and moaning noises coming from his suitemate's room were the result of a deadlocked Wii tennis game, not a torrid love affair.

Chakrabarti first launched his probe into the suitemate's activity after receiving a tip from another suitemate, whose room is located on the other side of the apartment. "He was concerned that there was a massive security breach in the suite, granting unauthorized access to a foreign agent for nefarious sexual activity," Chakrabarti reported.

To determine whether there was a legitimate threat, Chakrabarti pressed his ear to the flatmate's door and listened intently for any signs of foul play. The strained, heaving gasps emanating from the room and the rattling of furniture against the walls suggested that a prolonged act of passionate coitus was occurring on the other side. "But after looking into the situation further and gathering key evidence, such as the presence of the Wii Sports melody looping in the background and the fact that he is a CIS major," Chakrabarti explained, "I ascertained that there was only a minuscule chance that acts of a sexual nature were taking place."

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Satire  Published 03/15/18 7:33pm

OP-ED: I'm a Wealthy International Student, but I Still Steal Things from Wawa


Photo by Luke Chen / The Daily Pennsylvanian

My father is the CEO of a multinational investment firm and my mother has won two Oscars, but when I step into Wawa, all that seems to disappear.

Growing up in a castle in Hungary, I never thought I’d end up robbing convenience stores in West Philadelphia. But when I first stepped into the Wawa on 38th and Spruce, I was overcome by an urge to stuff four candy bars, three bags of chips, and a soda into my jacket. Then, I filled up a 36-oz cup with water and walked out of the store.

Yes, I can afford to buy everything in the store five times over with the cash in my wallet, but instead I take on the habits of a kleptomaniac. It’s just so fun. Also, I only go to Wawa when I’m blackout drunk. That might have something to do with it.  

Satire  Published 03/15/18 9:55am

Penn Basketball Asked Who They Know at NCAA Tournament


Photo by Chase Sutton / The Daily Pennsylvanian

WICHITA, KS — Approaching stadium security at Intrust Bank Arena, the Penn Quaker Men’s Basketball Team was taken aback last night when they were asked who exactly they knew at the exclusive tournament.

"We strolled up all ready to have a good time and play some basketball, and these guys at security stopped us and asked who we knew," said one player. "Obviously we don't usually go out like this so we don't know a ton of people."

Told that the game was "at capacity," Penn players wracked their brains for someone who was in the tournament that they could name to get inside.

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Satire  Published 03/15/18 2:40am

Sophomore Did Nothing Over Spring Break Better Than You


Photo by Pexels / CC0

You did nothing over break. Georgia Caldwell (W '20) did nothing over break. And yet, she did it better than you.

Although neither you nor Georgia picked up a pencil a single time to do homework, despite having all the time in the world to do so, at least she thought about her assignments. She mentally worked her way through at least half of that math problem set. You? You actively got dumber.

While you were lying on your bed, aimlessly looking at memes, Georgia was creating memes. Both activities are equally time-wasting, but she actually created content for others to enjoy. Your only contribution was tagging your friends in a meme they had already seen before.

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