Published 2 hours ago

Microsoft Office Is Now Free--Great news! Microsoft Office is now free for students who have a .edu email address (no, that doesn't include Tiger stay-at-home moms just dying to map out their kids' lives via Excel spreadsheet.) But now your tuition-paying parents will hate you just a little less for wanting to get an education, and you'll have an extra $100 extra dollars to bursar in the Penn Bookstore.

News  Published 9 hours ago

Your First Look At Penn's New Eateries

Five months after the shops in the Radian's shadow  were supposed to open, we're finally seeing signs of life. We took a look beyond the chain-link fence to give you a first glimpse at the new restaurants at 40th and Sansom:

Zesto Pizza & Grill

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 Published 11 hours ago

Econ TA Has "Dun Goofed"

There’s a new twist to the crazy professor emails: they’re now from TAs. The culprit? Wikipedia, which one ECON001 TA consulted for the wrong formula. The poor TA “really made of hash of explaining this,” but it's OK because he admittedly doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Word to the wise: the Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns says that the more you use Wikipedia, the less helpful it becomes. Isn't that right, Mr. TA?

UPDATE: The Econ TA in question has responded in a letter to the editor, linked here! Snaps for you, Nick Janetos (anonymity gone!) – we love your snarky tone. Definitely apply to write for UTB next semester.

News  Published 09/22/14 3:44pm

Freshman Bladder Shames Ben

This weekend, a student in Ware just couldn’t hold it in and was fined for peeing on the Benjamin Franklin statue, confirming that sickening feeling we get whenever visitors put their children on Ben's lap for a picture. We already know that some freshmen never learn, but shouldn’t this rogue urinator have been forewarned?  Luckily, the $50 fine isn't as bad as the punishment you might expect for committing the ultimate act of Penn blasphemy. That’s only one Grant or five Hamiltons to make your mark on our favorite founding father. Next time, we suggest bringing a friend along—we just love the thought of paying a Benjamin for Benjamin.

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News  Published 09/22/14 12:31pm

We're A Little Strung Out

The infamous tampon strings have officially been removed and their menstrual mystery solved. It turns out there was a magnet on the strings so that they could be attached without the prankster having to climb up the sculpture's side, an act of ingenuity worthy of Penn Apps. Although we're sad to see this welcome addition to our campus go, we're not too broken up about it. We know we'll see it again around this time next month.

News  Published 09/22/14 11:06am

Notorious New York Times Reporter Is Seriously Coming (Back) To Campus

Well, well, well. If it isn't Kate Taylor, infamous "investigative journalist" and slanderer of Penn women everywhere.

That's right, this one's for real. After spending a year on campus paid by the New York Times to creep on our "difmos" at Smoke's and judge/slut-shame our now-iconic "hookup culture," Kate Taylor's headed back to UCity – this time speaking in the public eye.

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 Published 09/22/14 2:43am

What's HapPENNing?

Hi. We're a month deep into school now so it's about time you participate in the goings-on of this vibrant and diverse community. Check out the menu:

Today: CURF Research Mixer - 4:30 Bodek Lounge

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News  Published 09/21/14 7:55pm

Because Penn Professors Aren't Intimidating Enough

Here at Penn, we're used to having compassionate professors. Eccentric ones, too. And an unjustifiably cruel one here and there. But Professor Danielle Bassett just took it up a notch, as she was awarded a MacArthur fellowship for her work in physics. 

What exactly does that mean, you ask? Well, Bassett, and the 20 other recipients, will be granted a cool $625,000 for their accomplishments at a ceremony on Wednesday. In layman's terms? This bad bitch just changed the game at the ripe age of 32. 

Alas, to all those enrolled in her Network Neuroscience course this semester: the drop period ends October 3rd.

News  Published 09/21/14 3:31pm

The Best Age To Die Is...Wait, What?

It seems about time that a Penn professor publicly reminds us that growing old is going to suck. It's something we've all suspected, but there's something pretty final about hearing it from bioethicist Ezekiel Emmanuel in The Atlantic. He has all sorts of fun graphs and neat statistics about things like "Declining Productivity" and "Functional Limitations" to help hammer home his point that the best age to die is 75. His argument is that by 50 you will have achieved everything great you ever will, so might as well kick the bucket before you get too old. Yikes

Still, it's pretty cool that he refers to those of us hoping for a long life as "American Immortals." Agree with his points or not, you're just going to get older anyways. Ah, the passage of time. But whatever though, because our plan is still just to age flawlessly

News  Published 09/20/14 2:17pm

Spotify Told The Whole World We Have Crappy Music Taste

Spotify played creepy corporate big brother this week and named us the 34th most musical school in the country based on subscriptions and listening habits. Unlike most of the ranking bullshit-storm, though, they actually released a pretty detailed breakdown of how we get down. Hint: Playboy def won't be inviting us to DJ one of their parties anytime soon. The highlights:

1. We can hate on SPEC all we want but we're kinda down with Magic Man. And now DARLING. All that [fling] shit's BEHIND US. You know we held on TOO MUCH. 

2. Amy Gutmann Time 2 Shine mind control program is complete. John Legend is officially stuck in all our heads and we like it.

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