News  Published 7 hours ago

New Inside Out Sweatshirts Hit Penn's Campus

Someone call up the People StyleWatch Celebrity Stylist and ask them to come back to Penn because a new fad is coming to campus. In an effort to keep up with all the trendz, SDT designed sweatshirts for homecoming that were supposed to look like they were inside out. Much to their dismay, the sweatshirts came literally inside out with the design on the same side of the tags. Forget warmth- nothing says “edge” like wearing the fuzzy part of a Gildan sweatshirt on the outside of your body. If you spot any more new fashion crazes on campus, email us at

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 Published 10/26/16 5:01pm

Ask Gourdon: My Gourd Is Moldy, Help???

Anonymous wrote: help??? why is my gourd moldyy

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Features  Published 10/26/16 10:41am

What Even Are Gourds? Here's What Modern Science Has Told Us

It's Gourd Week, a special time on UTB where we will be educating the public on the important topics that will shape the future. This week, we will be focusing on gourds.

What even is a gourd? A gourd is a pretty loose term for the fruits of the family Cucurbitaceae. To narrow it down, gourds specifically refer to the fruits of the Cucurbitaceae genera Lagenaria and Cucurbita, as well as from the genus siceraria. Gourd experts believe gourds to be one of the earliest domesticated plants, with some species having been discovered in archeological sites dating back from 13,000 BC. 

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News  Published 10/25/16 1:42pm

Help Save Amy Gutmann After Her Devastating Salary Reduction

In an appalling turn of events, University President Amy Gutmann’s compensation has plummeted 2.7 percent from last year, reducing her income from a comfortable $3,426,106 to a meager $3,333,878. That's a $92,228 difference. To put that in perspective, $92,228 dollars could purchase 92,228 one-dollar coffees at Wawa.

Before the salary decrease, Gutmann was the University’s top-paid employee. Now, she is the University’s top-paid employee. One would think that Penn would display more appreciation for its president, whose duties include speaking at podiums and existing (among other things, probably).

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 Published 10/24/16 5:51pm

Fire Alarm at Pottruck Forces Abrupt Cool Down

As of late, it seems that a day at Penn doesn’t go by without a fire alarm being set off. This afternoon, just two days after residents of Rodin were evacuated in the middle of the night for a “steam”-y emergency, a fire alarm went off in Pottruck, sending hoards of swole Quakers out into the cold.

While it is not yet clear why the fire alarm was set off, the fire department arrived at the gym around 5PM. If you have any idea what happened, or if this was just an elaborate prank to get the swim team to shiver outside in their swim caps, tip us at

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 Published 10/24/16 3:56pm

Free Cookies For All

It seems like the only Penn alum that people are talking about these days is Donald Trump, and he barely went here. The media should really be focusing more on people like Seth Berkowitz, the dude who started Insomnia Cookies from his dorm room while he was just a junior at Penn. This man spends his life baking cookies and making bank and he didn’t even have to OCR to get the job. Take notes, Columbia Band.

Anyway, we digress. The company is celebrating its 100th store opening and offering one free cookie with any purchase. Because there aren’t enough places for you to get free Insomnia Cookies (read: every GBM and freshman common room ever), stop by from now until 3 AM on Tuesday to get the deal. 

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Features  Published 10/24/16 1:18pm

What's HapPENNing?

Ah, the Monday before Halloween/Homecoming. The sun is shining, your Amazon Prime packages are on their way with some last minute accessories, and your “P” sweater is itching to be worn. Here are a few events to add to your already packed social calendar for this week.

Pop-Up presents: Koozies and Cake

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News  Published 10/24/16 12:54pm

Is Shaquille O'Neal Coming To Hillel?

First the Gender Neutral Bathroom Launch Party, and now this?! Hillel is hosting an event today at 6:00 called “Shake Shaq,” which refers to an Instagram caption by Shake Shack CEO Randy Garutti in a photo with the basketball star. Their play on the words "shake" (as in the ceremonial lulav and etrog) and "shack" (as in a house-type structure like a sukkah) implied that there would be Shake Shack available, so in order to avoid confusion, Hillel clarified (in the event description on Facebook) that Shake Shack would not be served.

But this led many Penn students to wonder: did the omission of a disclaimer about Shaquille O’Neal mean that O’Neal would be in attendance? Our extensive research led us to the conclusion that O’Neal is not Jewish, although a video of him saying “Shabbat Shalom” is available on the internet. While UTB came up short on any particular reasons that O’Neal would be visiting Hillel, the organization has gone above and beyond our expectations before.

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News  Published 10/24/16 11:52am

UTB Presents: Gourd Week

Good gourd! Do you often find yourself cursing human existence? Ever want to devolve into a legume? Fear not! UTB presents our first ever gourd week.

Gourds are a quiet, sensible species often overlooked my mainstream consumers during many of the months of the year. Gourds are friends, not food! This week, take some time to join us in celebrating the importance of gourds worldwide.

News  Published 10/23/16 3:49pm

Rodin Is Officially The Worst College House

So let's go back to a seemingly minor decision many upperclassmen were making around six months ago: which high rise to live in this year. Since they all pretty much look identical, does it really matter which one you live in?

The short answer: yes. The long answer: well, let's describe the nightmare that living in Rodin has thus far:

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