Satire  Published 04/29/17 1:08pm

Fed Up Wharton Students to Create a More Inclusive “University Republicans”

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After Donald Trump was elected as the 45th President, many people were discouraged about the state of the country. They feared that the progress made for equal rights and inclusivity would be reversed by the new administration.

Luckily, here at Penn, everything is perfect always and no one is ever excluded or marginalized ever — but for one small exception. So three brave Wharton sophomores decided to create a new club to stop arbitrary and unjust discrimination once and for all.

“College Republicans has been excluding Wharton, Nursing, and Engineering students since the group was created,” Jack Fisher (W ‘19) told us. “I mean, just look at the name. We decided it was time for us to stop accepting the inequality, stand up, and make a difference.”

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Satire  Published 04/28/17 5:29pm

Meet the Engineering PhD Student Who Isn’t a Rapper But Is Pretty Good At Juggling

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Photo by Peter Vidor / CC0


You may know of Clyde Kelly, the Penn student “famous” for rapping who was a consultant at McKinsey & Company before enrolling at Wharton for an MBA. However, some talented Penn students prefer to fly under the radar, such as Josh Ross, an PhD student in Chemical Engineering. Ross isn’t a rapper—in fact, he has no musical ability whatsoever— but claims there is something that makes him stand out slightly among his peers.

“I juggle,” Ross says. “I juggle kind of well.”

Ross began his hobby at the age of eight, when he received a juggling set for his birthday. It took a while for the skills to set in, but after a year he was able to successfully juggle three balls for fifteen seconds. According to his mother, Ross was a natural.

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Satire  Published 04/28/17 4:53pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day

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/ The Daily Pennsylvanian



Satire  Published 04/28/17 3:39pm

Heroic: Sophomore Wins Political Argument by Shouting "Free Speech" at Opponent

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Photo by Lori / CC 2.0


Not all heroes wear capes.

College sophomore Harry Cooper has been scoring victory after victory after implementing a new debate strategy that allows him to simply negate his opponent's argument by yelling "free speech" at them. The discovery came last week when he was in a heated discussion with one of his peers on Locust.

Cooper was making an argument that many find to not only be logically problematic, but also highly offensive. "My friend kept debating me, besting me at every turn by using basic logic and appealing to common ethical values," Cooper explained. "But then I had a stroke of genius and decided to use the nuclear option."

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Satire  Published 04/28/17 1:00pm

Here Are the Best Startups from the Penn Wharton Startup Challenge

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Photo by startupstockphotos.com / CC0


Classes may be finished for the academic year, but startup culture at Wharton has no intentions of slowing down. Today, the Wharton School held its annual Startup Challenge Showcase, where the semifinalists across all the Penn schools presented some of the greatest ideas in entrepreneurship right now. What followed was an afternoon of brilliant young minds coming together to pitch innovative startups, hear from impressive panelists, humblebrag about the experience of attaining so much success at such a young age, and of course, network with the best of them. Here are some of the most ingenious startup ideas that made it to the showcase:

Formality

Formality is a mobile app designed to pair students in need of a companion for date nights, formals, and any other one-night-only-please-never-contact-me-again events. Perfect for when your roommate's cousin's best friend's grandlittle inevitably bails on you last-minute.

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Satire  Published 04/27/17 4:19pm

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day

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Photo: Meredith Mitchell / The Daily Pennsylvanian



Satire  Published 04/27/17 4:07pm

Incoming Penn Freshman Excited To Peak

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Photos by TravelCoffeeBook3dman_eu / CC0 Public Domain


High school senior Anna Johnson can finally be herself. All throughout high school, Johnson was deliberately uncool to avoid peaking.

“I would see cool people in high school, and I would feel so bad because they were clearly peaking,” she said.

To avoid peaking, Anna was purposely socially awkward. She studied all the time, didn’t get invited to parties, and had a super weird social media presence (she shared way too many political posts and sent Candy Crush requests to all of her Facebook friends). Johnson joined two clubs, but only went to every other meeting so as not to gain a leadership position. She tutored little kids, but only kids from the wealthy private school nearby - so as not to be too good at community service. Anna even spurned the advances of the two middle school boys who hit on her because she didn’t want her best relationship to be in high school.

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Satire  Published 04/27/17 11:32am

10 Penn Relays Events Anyone Can Do

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Photo by Alvin Loke / CC 2.0


The Penn Relays begin today! But we get that if you're not a track star, you might be feeling a little left out this weekend. Luckily, we've come up with 10 Penn Relays events that you can totally pull off.

  1. Speedwalk from the High Rises to DRL
  2. Attend a marathon of classes: 8am to 6pm
  3. Hurdle five Locust Bricks
  4. Sprint 100 meters on a treadmill at Pottruck (1st floor) then immediately go home because you're done exercising
  5. Climb the DRL stairs to get to 8am math recitation
  6. Go up and down one escalator in Huntsman
  7. Carry six bags of groceries three blocks from FroGro (RIP) to your house
  8. Pregame a darty and then manage to stay alive after 4pm
  9. Dodge eight flyerers on Locust - bonus if you avoid the DP guy at the compass
  10. Ascend the corporate ladder of your dad's company


Satire  Published 04/26/17 7:37pm

Juniors Excited for Third Annual 100th Annual Hey Day

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In 2015, juniors came together to celebrate the 100th Annual Hey Day. A year later, the next class of juniors came together to celebrate the Centennial Hey Day, which is another way to say the 100th Annual Hey Day. 

Current juniors from the Class of 2018 were unsure of what year this Hey Day would be: the 101st, or the 102nd? Neither, as it turns out. This year, again, will be the 100th Annual Hey Day. Awesome!

The 2018 Class Board released a statement on the decision to make the 100th Annual Hey Day a yearly celebration.

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Satire  Published 04/26/17 5:41pm

Wow! Young Thug Enrolled in Wharton MBA Program

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Photo by Patryk Mrozek / CC 2.0


Walking around Huntsman Hall, you’re likely to see a lot of influential people. Future bankers, consultants, hedge fund managers, and if you’re lucky - maybe even rappers!

Young Thug, one of the biggest names in the rap business, has reportedly been spotted roaming Huntsman sporting numerous gold chains and Gucci flip flops. After some further investigation, we found that Mr. Thug is actually enrolled in the prestigious Wharton MBA program, and is currently in his first year of studies.

Thug was sent to Wharton to complete his MBA by his current employer, Goldman Sachs, who wanted him to get his MBA so that he could be promoted to higher executive positions. Thug, however, says he’s just doing the whole investment banking thing as a part-time gig, and that he’s really doing the MBA so that he can become a competitor in the music industry.

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