Satire  Published 12 hours ago

​Jewish Frat Mistaken For Hip-Hop Dance Group Due To Matching Sweatpants


Photo by Punkt8 / Public Domain

Uh oh! This guy thought a Jewish fraternity was a hip-hop dance troupe just because the members were wearing matching, tailored sweatpants!

Laszlo McGough (E ’19) was walking around when he saw a group of thirty boys dancing to loud music. “I saw that they were dancing and they all had the exact same sweatpants on,” he said. “I stupidly thought that meant they were a hip-hop dance group.”

McGough proceeded to pull up a chair and watch the boys dance for more than an hour and a half. “I must have looked like a fool,” he said.

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 13 hours ago

Street Preacher Successfully Converts Two Tour Groups to Pentecostalism


Photo by Tommy Rothman / The Daily Pennsylvanian

In an unusual success for the itinerant fundamentalist, the street preacher stationed at College Hall has converted two entire Penn tour groups to Pentecostalism.

Often seen shouting obscenities and threatening women, the street preacher rarely persuades many students. However, two groups of prospective students touring Penn found his unique brand of radical Christianity and millennialism enticing enough to join his small fundamentalist cult.

The preacher himself was taken aback by his success. "Nobody has ever much paid attention to me," he said. "I guess I don't really expect success. I only made enough signs for me and my three wives."

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 13 hours ago

3 Types of Yarn You Can Knit This Summer While All Your Friends Are Interning at Hedge Funds


Photo from Pxhere / CC0

The end of the school year is approaching, and it's not too long before internships begin. What is an internship, you ask? Oh, you don't know? Well, you probably know that a ton of your friends will be spending their summers in the Big Apple working in finance. Lucky for you, you have nothing to do at all from June until August! It is only fitting that you take up a new and exciting hobby. Here are 3 types of yarn you can knit while all your friends are interning at hedge funds.

Wool yarn

This kind of yarn is spun from the fleece of sheep and is extremely popular. It is very well-priced, and most importantly, can be flexibly knit to accommodate different seasons. Since you don't have any plans this summer, wool is a fabulous option to knit clothing for when you are traveling the world across climates.

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 13 hours ago

What Being Searched Leaving Van Pelt Taught Me About Walking Around With a Pound of Weed in My Bag


Photo by Kirk Schwarz / CC BY 2.0

There’s both a short and a long way to share my tale and the lessons it imparted on me. The short way is as follows: why go to Van Pelt with a pound of weed in your bag? Go home and smoke your weed.

The real story is much more complicated. For many students, this is advice might not be feasible. There are some people who absolutely need to be carrying an lb. at all times, and that’s okay. 

There are still many steps that one can take to reduce the danger. For example, don’t go in the only building on campus that searches your bag on the way out. If you do absolutely need to go into Van Pelt, make sure to disguise your weed well (for instance, put it into all those oregano bottles that you have sitting around your house just begging for a purpose; no one questions the kid with a pound of oregano in their backpack).

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 13 hours ago

BREAKING: Biopond Turtles Feel Incredible Today


Photo by Tiffany Pham / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Today is a really good day to be a biopond turtle.

Sources report lethargic turtles sunbathing on rocks, munching on plants, and jamming out to Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. This may sound like ordinary turtle behavior, and that’s accurate. Being a turtle is a pretty chill life. However, biology student Peter Mullen (C ’19) describes observing shocking new behavior: turtles staring at their weird, wrinkly, stubby little legs and laughing.

“In all my year studying turtle behavior, I’d never heard a turtle make any noise before,” said Mullen. “I couldn’t make any sense of it. That said, I was pretty stoned when I made the observation.”

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Penn Students Now Bandwagon Fans of Every Philadelphia Sports Team Except the Phillies


Photo by Keith Allison / CC BY-SA 2.0

There was a time when Penn students cared about Philadelphia’s sports teams as little as they cared about Penn’s.

But then, a solid defense and a backup quarterback with a funny name propelled the Eagles to win the Super Bowl. Suddenly, Penn students revealed en masse that they had loved the "Birds" since finding out about their Penn acceptance, and would always support the team.

Now, with the 76ers in the NBA playoffs, hundreds of students have come out of the woodwork to admit that they have always loved the team, and were happy to see it succeed.

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 04/19/18 5:34am

New Deli at Franklin's Table Bites the Bullet and Names Itself 'Product of Gentrification'


Photo by MsSaraKelly / CC BY 2.0

Franklin’s Table recently opened at 36th and Walnut, and it has already drawn criticism from the Penn community for its steep prices and inaccessibility to locals.

A new deli popping up at the food court has decided to capitalize on this, and will call itself “Product of Gentrification,” with several menu items playing on that theme.

One such item is their “Town and Gown Turkey Club,” in which light meat is inside of the sandwich, and darker cuts are strewn about the plate carelessly.

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 04/19/18 5:21am

​Fraternity Filthy Rushes Class of 2022


Photo by Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Fraternity rush is competitive. There is only a finite number of perfectly preppy boys to go around. That’s why this year some brothers have been going to Quaker Days, where they are on the lookout for any future students that have that to-be swagger.

However, there are way more future Quakers than there are brothers, and too many people for the frats to adequately get to. As a result, fraternity brothers have gotten creative in their methods of advertising their organizations to potential rushes.

Laurence Cooper (C '19) of fraternity Alpha Alpha Alpha (also known as AAA's) has infiltrated the ranks of the tour guides in order to directly promote AAA's. He treats most the job as a regular tour guide would—stopping at Van Pelt, explaining the toast throwing on Franklin Field, and giving students a sneak peak of what the outside of their quad dorms will look like —but when the group passes his chapter house, Cooper goes into a long speech about AAA's reputation as the social hub on campus. Other fraternities have since followed suit and have been handing out anything from custom lighters to lettered Sperrys.

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 04/19/18 5:20am

OP-ED: My Name is Molly, I’m a Virgin, and I’m Sick of People Saying They Did Me During Fling


Photo by Chase Sutton / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Hi. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Molly Applebaum, and some really hurtful rumors have been circulating about me lately. I contacted UTB to get my story out, and I hope this article sets the record straight: nobody did me during fling.

I don’t know how or why targets of slut shaming are picked, but the rumor mill has been churning out some terrible things lately. I’ve heard at least 10 frat guys say they did me over the weekend, and I’ve never met any of them in my life. It’s nice that they’re at least saying I was “mind-blowing,” but this definitely has attracted some unwanted attention.

Read the Full Article

Satire  Published 04/19/18 5:15am

OP-ED: The Penn Quaker Is the Ultimate Furry


Photo by Ananya Chandra / The Daily Pennsylvanian 

I can’t believe I actually have to write an article about something this obvious, but I think it’s time we all address the elephant in the room. Penn’s "lovable" Quaker has an overpowering fetish for other people dressed in animal costumes, and is using his role as mascot to mask his darker desires. Let’s look at the facts.

Why would anyone in their right mind agree to take on the role of the Quaker? The job includes putting on a costume that resembles a horribly disfigured historical character with a smile from the depths of someone’s clown-filled hell.The head of the costume probably smells like a melted ballsack. The job also involves running and jumping around at under-attended sporting events, or inducing shudders from everyone nearby whenever the Quaker is tasked to parade around campus. There has to be another motivation for anyone in the Quaker costume to agree to this humiliation and fearmongering: whoever is inside must be massive furry.

Think about it: this is the perfect way to get close to other people dressed up in erotic mascot costumes. Brown’s bear is thicc, Columbia’s lion is sure to be even wilder in the bedroom, and the Princeton tiger is definitely a bottom.

Read the Full Article

Older Posts