Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Four Study Hacks You Will Not Use Because You Can't Stop Procrastinating

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Photo by Rachel Fisher / CC0


Worried about finals? Here are four study hacks you'll ignore because you won't stop procrastinating.

1. Get exercise

Making sure you’re not sitting down all day is key to keeping your mind focused—I personally recommend attempting to swim the English Channel every two hours to refresh yourself. But instead of using this effective study technique, you’re probably in bed, watching glue-making tutorials on YouTube or shearing your neighbor’s lamb.

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Sophomore Complimented On Ugly Christmas Sweater Actually Really Liked It

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Photo from TheUglySweaterShop / CC BY 2.0


When Larry Michaels (C '20) went home for winter break after his first semester at Penn, he desperately needed to decompress. After an overwhelming semester with more lows than highs, Larry yearned for some of the simple pleasures in life. He knew that he needed to ground himself by spending some quality time with his family.

That's why when he saw a gift from Grandma Sheryl sitting under the tree on Christmas morning, Larry felt as if everything was going to be okay for the first time in a while. He gently opened the beautifully wrapped present to unveil a handcrafted, embroidered sweater and Larry’s heart filled with joy. While the snowflakes that Grandma Sheryl had knit looked a little precarious and the gingerbread man plastered onto the center of the sweater looked a bit... turd-inspired, Michaels truly appreciated the love his grandmother put into it. Those mistakes just made the sweater that much more authentic. However, since he didn’t want to look like a dweeb still celebrating Christmas in the sping, Michaels stowed the sweater in the back of his closet, biding his time for the next holiday season.

Eleven months later, sweater weather was in full force. Emboldened by Penn’s holiday spirit, Larry felt as if last Friday was as good a time as any to break out Grandma Sheryl’s gift. A warm wave of nostalgia washed over him as Larry proudly strode down Locust, sweater on full display for everyone to see. He’d never seen that many people smile at him on the Walk. They must’ve really been feeling the Christmas cheer.

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Satire  Published 17 hours ago

Student Kicked Out Of College Republicans End-of-Semester BYO for Saying "Happy Holidays"

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Photo by QuinceMedia / CC0 


Josh Evans (C ‘19) was more than excited to have been invited to Penn College Republicans’ annual winter BYO. He had been trying to join the ranks of the Republicans for years, and he knew that this was his time to shine. Dressed in a “Make Christmas Great Again” sweater under a Canada Goose jacket, Josh was determined to make an impression.

He arrived and began making his way around the room, talking to anyone he could find. “I could really fit in here,” Josh thought. In one conversation, he blurted, “I stand behind the private sector and their ability to reduce poverty and decrease unemployment rates,” to an audience of warm encouragement and handshakes. Soon, sentences started taking too much time as he raced around the room to meet the members, so he simply uttered phrases, much to everyone’s delight. “Individual rights,” Josh said, and the crowd applauded. “Limited government” had them beaming with smiles, and shouting “privatization“ had the entire room on their feet.

All was going well until he said the wrong two festive words.

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Satire  Published 17 hours ago

A True Friend: This Student Acted Disheartened to Hear That Her Friend Scored Lower on Exam

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Photo by nastya_gepp / CC0


The academic environment at Penn is prone to criticism for being overbearingly competitive. Forced grading curves, fierce competition for job prospects, and a toxic atmosphere supposedly discourage students from collaborating with one another.

Fortunately, one sophomore is showing no signs of getting caught up in the hyper-competitive atmosphere. When Jessica Briggs (C ‘20) first learned that her close friend failed an Economics exam, she absolutely nailed the reaction. “I’m so sorry to hear that!” Jessica told her friend. While Jessica was well aware that the class would be graded on a forced curve and that her friend’s failing score would help her get a better grade, she managed to suppress that happiness for a brief moment of consolation.

Her friend was reportedly wholeheartedly sold on Jessica's reaction, and thanked her for being so genuine. Jessica proceeded to remind the friend that she could raise her grade by doing well on the final. Even though Jessica knows that there was no recovering from a score this bad, especially since the final is cumulative, she knew that it would cheer up her friend.

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Satire  Published 17 hours ago

OP-ED: Use Some Fucking Chapstick Before We Make Out, Bro

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Photo by frankieleon / CC 2.0


C’mon, Chad, it’s winter. The air is dry as hell. You need to use some Chapstick first if you expect anything to happen.

Look, I get it. You don’t want the other brothers to see you using Chapstick because you’re worried that they’ll make fun of you. But they all have the crustiest lips I’ve ever seen, and yours aren’t much better. It’s okay to free yourself from the toxic prison of hypermasculinity once in a while. Buy some normal fucking yogurt instead of brogurt. Coconut-smelling shampoo doesn’t have to just be for women. And yes, you’re allowed to shave that really, really hairy chest of yours. Sorry–I mean, please shave that really, really hairy chest of yours.

I carry Chapstick around wherever I go. You’re allowed to use it. Just please, anything to stop your lips from feeling like the end piece of a loaf of stale bread. You don’t even have to use Chapstick regularly. I don’t care. Just before we make out, you gotta use some. This frat basement is dark and nobody’s paying attention, so will you just hurry up?

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 5:09pm

​Amazing! Girl in 5 Inch Hoops Only Ripped off One Earlobe Over Course of Evening

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Photo from Pxhere / CC0


Real life Wonder Woman Sarah Richards has done it again. After a long night of partying with her girls, Richards managed to only rip one of her 5 inch hoops straight out of her ear in a bloody and gruesome mess.

Richards, whose full left earlobe is now somewhere on the floor of AEPi after violently ripping it off during a "full on jam sesh" to Mr. Brightside, gracefully avoided ripping out her right earlobe several times throughout the night.

“At the BYO, early on in the night, I went to take off my jacket. I caught my thumb in my right hoop, but luckily I felt the tug and gently unhooked my hand from my earring. I really dodged a bullet that time,” she said outside her dorm in the quad, while blood ran visibly from her left ear down her neck. “I'd call tonight a success, for sure.” 

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 5:05pm

He Texted Me. He Loved Me. Then, He Disappeared.

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Photo by Kathryn Rotondo / CC 2.0


Our story started out like any other. It also ended like any other. Regardless, it was special.

"U [sic] up?" he texted me one warm Wednesday night at 1:32 a.m.

"Yeah, why?" I responded.

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 12:05pm

OP-ED: I Finally Collected Enough Box Tops to Donate a Pencil

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Photo by Howard Lake / CC BY-SA 2.0


For 5 years, I’ve spent countless days and nights with my trusty scissors cutting out box tops to make a difference in this sad, cold world. And there were good times and bad times. Times when I was discouraged that I could never make a difference, and times when I felt like I was on top of the world. Through the lows and the highs I kept going because I knew one day my hard work would be rewarded.

Today, that day has finally come. At long last, I collected enough box tops to donate a pencil. Am I a hero? Well, I can’t really say. But yes.


Satire  Published 12/09/17 12:03pm

This Frat Received a Record-Breaking Number of Early Decision Applicants This Fall

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Photo from Wikimedia Commons // CC0


Psi Omega Omicron (also known as Bulls, somehow) recently made headlines for shattering its previous record of early-decision applications, as it amassed more than sixty applicants.

“I believe you mean dirty rushing … there’s no such thing as Early Decision out here,” Alan Jeffries (C ’21) said, rather confused.

Bulls is the first frat of its kind to ask its applicants for a common application, as rushes were required to hand in personal statements and partake in interviews at events. This year’s applicants were more competitive than ever, with incredibly impressive stats and extracurricular activities.

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 11:56am

Students Hold Candlelight Vigil for Lyn's

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Photo by Lila Gutstein


Yesterday afternoon, a crowd of mourning Penn students gathered on the corner of 36th and Spruce at the exact spot where Lyn's food truck usually sits. The group was honoring Lyn's, the mobile breakfast food mogul who was taken from us far too early. The truck has been gone since November 20th and will not return until January 20th.

Student leaders Karis Uberoi and Nadia Stephen (C '18) led the group in a prayer, while other attendees lit candles in broad daylight and tearfully recounted their favorite memories with the egg sandwich connoisseur.

“I’ll never forget that time Lyn looked at me and asked ‘bacon, egg and cheese on a sesame bagel with salt pepper ketchup?’ Before I could even even say anything, she added ‘and Sriracha?’ It’s like, she knows me so well. She might be gone from our lives but she is certainly not forgotten,” whimpered Stephen.

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