Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Best Alternative (Right) Spring Break Destinations!


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

Each spring, every blog and website will blast out "8 GREAT ALTERNATIVE SPRING BREAK LOCATIONS, YOU WONT BELIEVE NUMBER 6"! With this in mind, we realized that there were so many lists of alternative spring break ideas, but somehow very few lists of alternative-right spring break ideas. Here are the top 7 spring break locations for the new right!

  1. “Real America” - Take a trip to an America that exists only in the mind of the alt-right, free of ethnic and religious minorities and in full support of other non-existant conditions, like “what makes America great” (white men working hard to get somewhere in life, ultimately ignoring social and economic realities).

  2. 4Chan - Take a trip on the World Wide Web! Peruse /pol/ and promote wait ...white wait...alternative-right ideals!

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Satire  Published 4 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day

Photo: Gena Basha

Satire  Published 18 hours ago

Indecisive College Freshman Creates a Hundred Mock Schedules


Photo: Seyoung Kim / Penn InTouch

When Fall 2017 courses went live on Penn InTouch on Friday, Julia Glanzer (C '20) celebrated. Now that classes are out, she can revel in the semiannual opportunity to create a hundred mock schedules and mask her fear of never figuring out her path in life.

For Glanzer, Penn InTouch is an art. She invited us into the back row of her Econ 001 lecture, where she claims to do her best work. We watched as Glanzer flitted adeptly between the dizzying array of tabs on her browser: Penn InTouch, Penn Course Review, thirty-one department websites, and Facebook, where she badgered five different upperclassmen for advice. 

Glanzer's technique is impressive, but her body of work is what truly shines. She has over three hundred classes in her course cart, including every Fall 2017 class that fulfills a sector requirement. She justifies this, explaining, "It seems like a lot, but it's because I need to add every section and 8 possible recitations for thoroughness." Her one hundred mock schedules contain at least five combinations of classes for each of the tracks she's considering: math, economics, mathematical economics, and a double major in math and economics. Each schedule also has a pre-med counterpart, as Glanzer's lifelong dream before coming to Penn (and questioning everything she thought she wanted) was to heal the sick and wounded.

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News  Published 20 hours ago

Here's What Dean Furda and Kevin Hart Talked About


Photo: David Akst / The Daily Pennsylvanian

We reached out to Kathryn Bezella, a spokesperson for Dean Furda, to see what Furda and Kevin Hart were talking about at the 76ers game. We didn't expect to hear back, but we did. Bezella informed us, in the email above, that Furda told Hart that he has over 2,000 followers on Twitter. Hart laughed because he has 32 million (16,000 times more than 2,000).

Dean Furda made Kevin Hart laugh. That's one of the biggest comedians in the world. Only time will tell how long Furda lasts before he quits his position to pursue a career in stand-up. We wish him the best.

Satire  Published 21 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Photo: David Akst / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 22 hours ago

8 Foolproof Ways Penn Men’s Basketball Can Win March Madness


Photo: Frankieleon / Flickr

You know what would be pretty exciting for the 12 Penn students who care about sports? If we won the NCAA tournament. March Madness is in a few weeks, and we've figured out 8 ways we can totally do it.

  1. Enlist the Russians to hack the NCAA so that we can win. We’re not Donald Trump’s alma mater for nothing.
  2. Like the football team, tie with another team to win the Ivy League Championship. Your chances of getting into the NCAA tournament are exponentially higher.
  3. Maybe if Penn students could show up to basketball games that would help?
  4. Construct a simulation in which we are better at basketball.
  5. Sneak three barrels of pollen into the locker rooms of every college basketball team in the nation. Then, every other team will have to drop out of the tournament due to severe allergies. You can’t lose if there is no one else competing! Pollen is natural so you can't get in trouble.
  6. First, win against Dartmouth and Harvard to get a spot in the Ivy League Tournament. Then beat out Princeton, Harvard, and Yale to get a spot in the NCAA tournament. Then beat 6 more teams to win the Championship e.g. Baylor, then SMU, then Louisville, then Virginia, then Kansas, and then UNC.
  7. Hire Sam Hinkie as our GM and proceed to tank for four straight years. Maybe get some good draft picks. That’s how it works, right?
  8. The entire men’s basketball team hops on over to the main line and plays for Villanova.

Satire  Published 23 hours ago

Student Somehow Evades Van Pelt’s Flawless Bag Check, Steals 5 Books


/ Wikimedia Commons

A criminal mastermind is on the loose.

Employees at Van Pelt Library have filed a report to the police stating that an unknown student has stolen five books from the library's "rare book" section. 

Somehow, this student was able to evade all of the brilliant security measures in place at the library and escape with nearly thousands of dollars in books. It remains unknown how the student was able to open his bag and show its contents to a security guard, but still manage to steal the books.

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News  Published 02/28/17 12:15pm

Dean Furda Hung Out With Kevin Hart at a Sixers Game, and Here's the Video


Photo: Nba / YouTube (screenshot)

An anonymous tipster (or two) sent us a video from the NBA YouTube channel, embedded below, in which Kevin Hart gets a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spend time with an even bigger star. That star was, somehow, Dean of Admissions Eric Furda.

In the video, we can see Furda sitting front row next to Kevin Hart at yesterday's 76ers game against the Warriors. Hart jokes around with Steph Curry throughout the video, and Dean Furda appears to joke around with Kevin Hart near the 11 second mark. By the transitive property, Dean Furda is joking around with Steph Curry, too.

We have no idea what Furda was saying to Hart, but we hope it was something like "check out Under the Button dot com, you'd love it."

Satire  Published 02/27/17 4:57pm

​Donald Trump Misses Drop Period for Presidency; Has to Stick With It Until the End of the Term


Photo: Karl-Ludwig Poggemann / Flickr

Despite previous reports that Donald Trump (W ’68) was considering dropping out of the presidency, we have confirmed that he has officially missed the drop period for this term. 

“Even though the job was pretty competitive to get, I was really just looking to shop around these past few weeks. I mean, I did my research,” Trump told UTB before we were uninvited from all of his press conferences. “On a 1-4 scale it was only supposed to be a 2.43 in terms of difficulty. Who knew this POTUS thing was actually so much work?”

“Later, I saw the score of my first approval rating— it was definitely below the median of past presidents,” Trump mused. “I realized I should probably drop the presidency and pick up something easier, like communications. Sean Spicer is my Communications Director, so how hard can it be?”

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Satire  Published 02/27/17 3:44pm

Penn Honors Failed Alumni by Inscribing Their Names in Loose Bricks on Locust


Photo: Phil Roeder / Flickr

Ever since Penn declared a 3.9 percent tuition increase, Quakers have been complaining about the University and how it treats its students: phrases like “stingy,” “not worth the money,” "too stressful," and “not Harvard” have all been overheard. Amy Gutmann addressed these concerns this week, announcing that Penn is undertaking a new initiative to recognize Penn alums and show the student body that, no matter what you do at Penn, the school cares about you and is thankful for you.

“Not all Penn grads make it,” Gutmann said. “Some just graduate without any clue how to tie their shoes, or how to deal with world affairs and understand basic economics. But they still matter.”

Unsuccessful, ill-adjusted alumni have been forgotten over the years – but not anymore. Penn is honoring failed Penn grads by inscribing their names into loose bricks across campus. Some 200 alums, completely forgotten by the world, will have their names scrawled onto the loose bricks to commemorate their glaring failure to contribute anything to society.

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