Features  Published 9 hours ago

The 45 Worst Possible Things That Can Happen During Finals

It's finals, and everything sucks. But we're radical optimists, so we decided to think of 45 ways that it could all be way worse. We aren't procrastinating – we're just trying to lift Penn's collective spirit, that's all!

  1. Your formula sheet spontaneously combusts.
  2. You eat a cookie before the exam and halfway through realize it was a weed cookie. Proceed to draw that weird S thing all over the paper.
  3. Look down. Realize you forgot to put on clothes. You are in DRL Lab A1. This is not a nightmare. This is real.
  4. Arrive one second late to an exam proctored by one of those asshole professors who's all, “You can’t come in late!” But this class is your last graduation requirement, and now you can't graduate on time.
  5. A giant light fixture falls from the ceiling and misses your body, but crashes down onto your desk, eradicating your exam paper into oblivion. Your professor has no choice but to fail you.
  6. You get really into answering a long-response question and your pencil flies out of your hand and hits your DFMO in the back of the head.
  7. The final is a group project.
  8. The final is a group paper.
  9. The final is an oral exam where your professor is asking you deeply personal questions about your daily habits/thoughts/childhood. You realize you’re at Wharton Behavioral Labs instead of your oral exam.
  10. Your hot German TA keeps walking by you. You try to flirt by seductively chewing your pen. You choke on the pen cap. You can’t breathe. Your TA MERTs you, and you have to make up the exam in September.
  11. Dean Furda enters the exam room and tells you that your admission to Penn was actually a mistake, and you need to go home immediately before any more money is wasted on your education.
  12. The person sitting in front of you has the dreamy luscious hair of Disney royalty. You are unable to focus on the test at hand, instead staring longingly at the hair and willing yourself not to touch it.
  13. You go to the wrong room. Halfway through you realize that those long, confusing mathematical formulas have nothing to do with Ancient Greek and Roman mythology.
  14. Your professor is from the UK and grades you on his rubric where 70% is equivalent to an A. This is not study abroad and Penn gives you a C.
  15. Your study break booty call doesn’t answer which means that he hates you and that all guys hate you and that you should give up even trying to attract somebody and live alone on 41st and Pine forever.
  16. A firm understanding that the mitochondria is “the powerhouse of the cell" isn’t quite enough to get by in BIO101.
  17. You accidentally buy Xanax instead of Adderall.
  18. The constant g that has historically denoted the speed at which a free-falling object will accelerate within Earth’s atmosphere changes from 9.81 m/s^2 and everything you’ve ever done is wrong.
  19. You’re intercepted by a pack of wild dogs on your way to an exam.
  20. After some swift calculations, you realize that getting a 263.7% on a final exam isn’t possible so you’re thus unlikely to receive an A for the semester.
  21. You get a call that you have two days to complete a drug test for your summer internship after just having bought a finals-time stress eighth.
  22. You spend the whole researching the damaging socio-economic repercussions that your coffee addiction has on Costa Rican farmers and then you feel pretty guilty for a few days.
  23. Your parents call, they’re getting a divorce.
  24. You realize you have nothing to wear to your cousin’s graduation in two weeks but the Greek Lady chicken fingers diet you’ve recently been adhering to makes the prospect of shopping not fun.
  25. Wawa runs out of cannoli dip AND Reese's pies.
  26. It turns out that writing papers about books you never bothered to read is really fucking hard.
  27. You seriously consider paying one of those PhDs from that essay writing website but then you remember this and instead just cry forever.
  28. You’ve massively overestimated your understanding of spoken Korean and you have an oral exam in 25 minutes.
  29. All of the servers that facilitate Google Drive worldwide crash at once.
  30. Your formal date texts you. She can't come.
  31. Pattaya changes its already wildly unpredictable schedule to reflect the only times that you’ll be asleep over the next ten days.
  32. That massive ring of garbage in the Pacific Ocean is only getting larger with each passing day and the international community seems unwilling to do anything to clean it up and honestly it’s just a huge bummer that you really don’t need on top of everything else.
  33. You wake up and your glasses prescription has radically changed!
  34. You realize how ill-equipped you are to make any sort of intelligent commentary about the state of Middle Eastern affairs so any motivation you may have had to start that paper kind of goes away.
  35. The Rave isn’t showing any good movies right now so you don’t even have that to look forward to.
  36. You realize that all those friends you thought you made in class are all making a study guide together and you aren’t included.
  37. It’s super distracting to work outside but there’s no UV rays indoors and obviously you need sunlight since you’re a goddamn human being who needs to photosynthesize.
  38. You either lose or gain five pounds and either way it looks bad.
  39. The zeal with which you threw away your notes after the midterm now feels misplaced.
  40. Your Finance professor doesn’t like you and will honestly never like you.
  41. Professor holds office hours during the exam. You go to office hours.
  42. You decide to study on College Green. You gently fall asleep in the warmth of the spring sun and wake up surrounded by squirrels, your precious handwritten notes gone in the breeze.
  43. Your roommate decides to start a Bikram yoga studio in your quad double.
  44. Your roommate decides to start a domesticated goat sanctuary in your living room.
  45. You take a final. Let's be real, that's bad enough on its own.


Features  Published 05/04/15 12:29pm

ShutterButton: Mischief Strikes At Van Pelt

Can you smell that? No, it's not the smell of a burnt panini from Mark's Cafe – it's debauchery brewing in the air. But this isn't the kind of debauchery that takes place in the Van Pelt bathrooms. This is a crime that attacks our fragile, finals-addled minds at their most vulnerable. Imagine: It's your tenth straight hour studying BBB, and you jump at the chance for a $1 massage, too exhausted to realize that the sign is written in pencil. But if only you studied the functions of the brain more carefully, you'd realize how easy it is to mess with your head when you've been hitting the books all day, not even taking a break for that burnt Mark's panini.

If the lack of massages is getting you down, UTB encourages you to make studying fun – grab a group of friends and gossip about all the drama from formal in the Loud Study Area. Everyone in Van Pelt wants to hear about who passed out in the taxi on the way home from the Rhythm Room.



News  Published 05/01/15 1:47pm

Diamonds Are Forever (And So Is The Internet)

Though we probably know the answer to this question, we must ask anyway: Have you ever Googled yourself? While your embarrassing tweets from middle school might show up, Penn (and UTB) alum and comedy writer Kelly Diamond's Google search-induced woe is a bit more hardcore

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Features  Published 05/01/15 10:11am

Exclusive Formals You've Probably Never Heard Of

It's that time of the semester: Every group you're involved in, no matter how small and obscure, is probably hosting a formal at Bistro La Baia or one of the various permanently docked ships event spaces in the Philadelphia area. If you didn't snag an invite to these lesser known parties, however, then you're clearly not in the scene.

  • People who frequent Wawa late night formal: Open (hoagie) bar. Interactive touch screen e-vite.
  • West Philly Tutoring Project formal: Bring your student. Get crunk.
  • Fossil Free Penn formal: Bike there. Lights dimmer than normal, BYO musical instrument to reduce electricity use.
  • Flyerers formal: Everyone aggressively asks each other to dance but is always denied.
  • People who go to stat office hours at the same time: It is held in VP basement and is actually just a study session.
  • People who live on the top floor of each high rise formal: Everyone is late because the elevator ride to the ground floor took 20 minutes.
  • Construction workers formal: It takes place in the giant hole outside Hillel.
  • Transfer student formal: Pretty sure this legitimately exists.
  • Freshman that sign up for the Away From Kitchen dining plan (the one with 100,000,000 meal swipes): It’s at Commons.
  • People who have been MERTed: Dry event.


News  Published 04/29/15 12:33pm

Slate Shows Us What Really Happens In That Wasting Time On The Internet Class

As exams get closer and campus floods with stress, the amount of time we spend procrastinating skyrockets. So why not waste time on the internet by reading about wasting time on the internet

Penn's most questionable English professor and fashion maven Kenny Goldsmith let a Slate reporter observe his controversial class all semester. Apparently, in addition to time-wasting, the class also got to do a really fun activity called "Discomfort and Transgression" in which everyone exchanged laptops and searched through each other's internet histories(!). Basically, the class turned into a really odd Wharton behavioral lab, except no ten bucks.

Despite the reporter's uncomfortable experience, she seems to appreciate that Goldsmith is striking down the ideas of traditional academia. And so are we, because traditional academia means finals. Now if you'd excuse us, we're going to go waste some time while we eat our free donuts


News  Published 04/28/15 4:01pm

Federal Donuts Saves The Day: Free Donuts For Students During Finals

You heard it right — Federal Donuts is offering free donuts to any Penn student with a PennCard between April 28th and May 8th (and will be open 7 a.m. to 9 p.m.). So sink your teeth into a choice of Brown Sugar Cinnamon, Strawberry Lavender, or Vanilla Spice deliciousness as you sulk miserably in a VP group study room. There's a light at the end of the Finals-induced tunnel, and it comes in the form of fried dough and sugar. Thanks, Federal. You the real MVP.


News  Published 04/28/15 12:30pm

Emotions Are Running High In The VP Carrels

The sun is shining. There are children sliding Down The Button, enjoying their last traces of innocence. You, hunched over with the weight of your backpack, recoil from the sound of laughter and quickly scuttle up the steps of VP. Two papers and three finals are in your future, and you have it like so much harder than everyone else. Settling down in your carrel, you spend five minutes arranging highlighters and your books for an obligatory Snapstory, letting people know You Have Arrived. Then you see it. A scribbled “I was born this way!!!” Three exclamation points. Lady Gaga. Love. It’s all too much. You respond with “I Hate you so much” because you understand the spirit of finals.

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News  Published 04/27/15 8:31pm

SAY IT AIN'T SO – The NILF (Newscaster I'd Like To Fuck) that IS Anderson Cooper will no longer be gracing Penn's campus tomorrow, due to recent events in Baltimore. This was like, the perfect way to celebrate the last school night of the semester, but alas – reality calls.  


Features  Published 04/27/15 4:30pm

Eulogy For A Water Bottle Left In VP

In the Rosengarten Study Center in VP stands a cart, filled with the discarded water bottles of forgetful students. Below, is one student's apology to a lost friend, but we like to think it applies to them all:

In the beginning I thought there was no way we could ever be apart. I bursar'd you for more money than I would like to admit because I thought we were going to be together forever. You, with your blue plastic casing and enlarged "P." Me, with my proclivity for drinking large quantities of water to stay awake during three hour seminars. We were perfect, until one day I was working in VP and I probably left you there, on the table that is too close to the bathroom, in my haste to print before class.

I noticed your absence when I got home that night, a lightness in my backpack that made me feel empty. I walked around the next few days, thirsty, until I passed by the DVD check out place and caught a glimpse of blue plastic through the window. There you were, surrounded by others of your kind. I was about to go retrieve you, but I stopped. How could I be sure it was you? Was I willing to allow for the possibility of drinking from the bottle of another? I thought you might be happier there, among friends. Either way, I didn't get you, and I'm sorry. Maybe, I'll sift through the lost and found during Finals. More likely, I will not. 


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