News  Published 12 hours ago

What's HapPENNing

Folks, February may suck now but it's about to get a lot worse. Valentine's Day is this weekend, which means unless you've miraculously made time for a relationship between OCR, pledging, and academia, you're in for a sad week. Come Monday, you can drown yourself in half-price heart-shaped chocolates. But until then, here are some other events to fill your loveless lives.

DP Love Notes

Read the Full Article

News  Published 02/07/16 2:11pm

The REAL Stars of OAX's "Sorry" Video

Certainly not the worst of sorority- produced videos, OAX’s production of “Sorry” left us pleasantly surprised. But while you might be praising the performers’ fashionable costumes and swanky dance moves, we’re here to tell you who the REAL stars of the video are:

1) The Unamused Allegro’s Customer (:57)

Read the Full Article

News  Published 02/05/16 1:21pm

Finally, Wharton Gets a Shoutout From Lizzie McGuire

Well, not really. But we can dream.  In the most recent episode of Younger, a very mediocre TV show that you’ve probably never heard of, an all-grown-up Lizzie McGuire and her friend mention uber-expensive “douche burgers” that are concocted by none other than graduates of your favorite and most préstigious business school. These fancy food-truck burgers are made with lobster, caviar, foie gras, and served in a gold leaf wrapper at a price worth one textbook ($600). They’re made by “Wharton graduates! Wacky MBAs”, exclaims Lizzie McGuire’s less-relevant friend. While the Penn community might be grateful for another shoutout, it’s a little disheartening that the Wharton legacy will be that of “douche burgers”. Though let’s not pretend that Penn isn’t filled with a ton of douche burgers already.


Read the Full Article

News  Published 02/04/16 4:10pm

Got A Hot Teaching Assistant? Tell Us All About It

Do you look forward to your 8am math recitation? Are you constantly looking for new essays on 16th century humanism on Google Scholar just “for fun”? Your parents may think your professor has inspired you, giving you a whole new outlook on the world of academia. But, we know the truth – you’re hot for TA.

In the spirit of the month of love and lust, send UTB the name, class number, and (if you’ve really been struck by Cupid’s arrow) Facebook/Instagram name of your blindingly sexy TA to We’ll share pics of the hottest of the hottest/the ones with the fewest privacy settings. Get ready to CRUSH people! 

Read the Full Article

Features  Published 02/04/16 1:06pm


February is upon us folks, and with that, we've decided to bring back our most optimistic feature! If you, like us, are out of fucks to give, then continue reading. And if you're not, well then, do less. 

  • Your bed is full of crumbs from eating pita chips (without hummus), but you're really tired. Fuck it.
  • Instead of taking out the trash, you just order a second trash can on Amazon. Fuck it. 
  • You go to Pottruck but then just quit after you've climbed two flights of stairs. Fuck it. 
  • Wear shorts and a t-shirt outside because the weather is 20° higher than normal, but still 45°. Fuck it. 
  • Wait in the FroGro line for 45 minutes because you have nothing else to do. Fuck it. 
  • Your laundry pile is five feet tall. Fuck it. 
  • Wear a Penn sweater you bought at the bookstore freshman year for three days in a row. Fuck it.
  • Knew there was E. Coli in your Chipotle bowl. Still ate it. Fuck it.
  • $3 for an extra beet at Sweetgreen. Fuck it.
  • Sat alone at the Harvest bar on a Tuesday night. Fuck it.
  • Call your professor out for wearing a toupee. Fuck it.
  • Wait an hour for Caitlyn tickets even though you're really just hoping Kylie will show up. Fuck it. 
  • Made Valentine's Day plans with the girl you're seeing at Commons because everywhere else is too expensive. Fuck it.
  • Started listening to Iggy Azalea again. Fuck it. 
  • Spend all your time creating an elaborate Pinterest board for your post-grad NYC apartment. Fuck it. 
  • Get sick of your dorm and move into the Inn at Penn. Fuck it. 
  • Stop shaving because that rando will hook up with you anyway. Fuck it. 
  • Get a French bulldog because people are annoying. Fuck it. 
  • It's February and you still haven't finished your Christmas shopping. Fuck it.
  • All you want to talk about this The Bachelor. Fuck it. 
  • You have 3-hour blocks twice a week with a kid you used to hook up with, so you switch majors. Fuck it. 
  • Everyone around you in Starbucks is interviewing for internships while you're struggling to comprehend the physics of eating a cake pop. Fuck it. 
  • You're not allowed to eat your sandwich in class, so you just get up to leave and eat it in peace. Fuck it. 
  • Housing. Fuck it. 
  • You want to take a nap at home, but it's raining, so you sleep in Joe's Cafe. Fuck it.
  • Ate a loaf of potato bread. Fuck it. 
  • Light went out in your bathroom so now you just shower in the dark (Ed. Note: At least you're showering...). Fuck it. 
  • You have a fever but you're forced to go to your bid party anyway. Fuck it. 
  • Call your professor "mom." Fuck it. 
  • Eat a Luna bar and chips for dinner. Fuck it. 
  • Accidentally tip the delivery guy $20. Fuck it. 
  • You dropped a class but the one you want to take is full. You decide not to fulfill History and Traditions. Fuck it. 
  • You plan to just watch the pilot of Making A Murderer. Watch the whole series. Fuck it. 
  • Have first class of the day at 2 p.m. Don't get out of bed until 1:45. Fuck it. 
  • Fail the midterm. Decide to make money by marketing yourself as the "curve helper." Fuck it. 
  • Realize this year is a leap year. Pretend February 29th is March 1st. Fuck it. 

News  Published 02/04/16 11:00am

Tinder for Tutoring

Based on an influx of campus ambassador style emails, it seems Quickhelp, an app started by two Harvard grad students (sorry, PennApps), is coming to Penn. Quickhelp brands itself as the "Uber of Tutoring," allowing students to solicit teaching services from nearby tutors, often grad students in the same area, even the same university. 

Users can view the profile of their prospective tutor, which includes a photo and information on their skills and specialties. They can then chat in the in-app instant messenger. We applaud Quickhelp's clever business model: a service platform that eliminates the wedge between consumer willingness to pay and supplier reservation wage... (blah, blah, blah, synergy, cash flow), but we can't help but think that this matching service sounds awfully familiar to a certain widely used dating app...CS nerds, maybe it's time for a startup that's got the best of both worlds?

News  Published 02/03/16 5:25pm

Wharton May Have A Formal, And You Are Still A Plebeian

The Wharton Undergraduate Steering Board (a club that may or may not exist, but is certainly on a minimum of 15 resumes), is apparently gauging interest for a Wharton formal. In addition to their ability to print and scan in the mothership Huntsman, our fancy financey friends are about to get a little fancier. So instead of buttering up your neighborhood frat/srat star in the hopes of snagging a formal invite, better start working on the M&T in the adjacent study room cubicle. Or your dual degree application.

Features  Published 02/03/16 3:26pm

ShutterButton: Gotta Hand (Fruit) It To Penn Dining

Hand fruit. We're pretty sure it's just like regular fruit, except you use your hands to eat it. It's a good thing the fruit is clearly labeled as such – we'd hate to see someone try to eat an apple with a fork. Talk about embarrassing! Then again, it's entirely possible that the fruit is made of hands, and can be eaten in any variety of ways. Maybe Penn Medicine had some leftover hands from their transplant program, and just dumped them in Engineering. Either way, a free meal is a free meal.

News  Published 02/03/16 1:17pm

SHS Is Making Us Call Them Every Time We Want More Drugs

Pill poppers, beware! As of January 1 of this year, SHS will no longer respond to automatic refill requests from pharmacies. 

What does this mean, you ask? If you run out of refills on your prescription, you now have to take precious seconds out of your day to message or call SHS to get your meds, pending delivery of course. According to the DP, the policy is supposed to “force students to be more responsible for keeping track of the statuses of their prescriptions.” Personal responsibility? As if.

Read the Full Article

Features  Published 02/03/16 11:09am

Most Depressing Places On Campus Volume XI: The Hill Fountain

The moment you walk into Hill you hear a slight pitter patter coming from the building. Upon entering the belly of the beast (otherwise known as the Hill Dining Hall) you realize it’s just the sound of the Hill Fountain – this week’s Most Depressing Place on Campus.

So how can a fountain be one of Penn’s most depressing places you ask?

Read the Full Article

Older Posts