Satire  Published 7 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Photo: Sophie Trotto / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 8 hours ago

New App Allows Girls to Leave Yelp-Style Reviews for Pledges Who Bring Them Food or Complete Favors


Photo: David Akst / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Plelp is a new app developed by SEAS junior Jared Parrel that allows girls to rate and review, Yelp-style, the fraternity pledges that deliver food and drinks to them for Big Little Week.

When asked how he thought of the idea for Plelp, Parrel pointed to his personal connection to the project. "Two years ago, I was pledging a fraternity. I was specifically asked by many girls to stop giving strip teases. According to them, I was awkward and hard to look at," explained Parrel. "The hurt and disgrace I felt eventually subsided, and the experience forced me to become more normal and good looking. This gave me the idea to create a forum for girls to share more comments like these, which would help other girls know which pledges should be requested and which should be avoided on Penn's campus."

Users of the app can comment on a range of topics, including the quality and punctuality of the service and overall appearance of the pledges. Based on these reviews, Bigs can choose which pledges they would like to approach their Littles.

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News  Published 9 hours ago

The Evolution of the Friars Emblem


Photo: Anonymous / The Daily Pennsylvanian

A visual history of the Friars emblem, in chronological order:

  1. Old guy
  2. Old guy
  3. CLOWN
  4. Young guy
  5. Really really really extremely old guy
  6. A guy who is both old and blind
  7. SMURF!!!!
  8. The current Friar.

Features  Published 11 hours ago

OP-ED: Each Time I Cross the Street, I Worry That a Car Will Hit Me and the Driver Will Get Out and Make Fun of My Shoes



Crossing the street is probably one of the most dangerous things we do, a statement I am making with no statistical evidence. I don't drive a car at Penn, I don't engage in dangerous pastimes like skydiving or ultimate frisbee, and I keep a relatively healthy diet. Crossing the street is a necessary evil, to be sure, but I fear for my safety each time I dart across a cross-walk. Not just my safety, in fact, but my dignity too.

With every step into the street, I worry that a car will strike me and, while I lay helpless and mangled on the asphalt, the driver will step from his vehicle and point at my shoes. He or she will make a rude, unnecessary comment about them. The crowd, gathering after the accident, will also laugh and point, agreeing with the driver's unprompted comment about my sneakers. And then the driver will return to his or her automobile, the crowd will disperse, and I will be left in the road, humiliated and alone. I'll also need to go to the hospital, because I will have been hit by a car.

Maybe the driver will be a short man who exits his 2009 Ford Fusion and barks, "What are those?" Maybe it will be a lawyer in a 2004 Honda Odyssey, or a 2014 Subaru Outback, who opens her door to yell, "You've got some real goofy clown feet on you, kid." It could even be a 20 year old Temple student driving his parents' 2015 Range Rover who approaches me, after accelerating through a red light and plowing into me, and whispers softly, "Damn Daniel, back at it again with the white Vans like it's still 2016."

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Features  Published 12 hours ago

UTB Reviews: Raw CandleLIT Dinner


Photo: Alexander Baxevanis / Creative Commons

ICYMI: Penn Environmental Group and Penn Vegan Society came together for the first time in our nation's history last night for a event you won't be forgetting anytime soon. What can only be described as a talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, and give birth to it type of event, the first ever "Raw CandleLIT Dinner" combined both uncooked vegan food and zero electricity! 

Those who attended the event told us, once their eyes readjusted to light, that the event was "cool" and that they'd "eaten beforehand anyway" so the food wasn't an issue. 

Although the dinner was BYO silverware and plates and candles, PEG and PVS did provide plenty of cashew cheese for all to enjoy. While no member UTB was in fact in attendance, we admired the fact that there was virtually no lighting. That way, you don't really have to look at your raw vegan meal while you're eating it, and no one will be able to tell that half of those in attendance are rabbits! Those in attendance were probably unable to engage in any meaningful conversations, due to the overwhelming noise produced by chewing raw celery and carrots. For once, we regret not attending this event.

Satire  Published 02/20/17 5:43pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Photo: David Akst / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 02/20/17 5:18pm

Penn Fraternity Sending Pledges to Mount Everest for Scavenger Hunt


Photo: Wang Lama Humla / Wikimedia Commons

Pledging season is in full swing and, as usual, fraternities are going out of their way to welcome their new classes, sparing no expense to antagonize hopeful freshmen.

While some fraternities send pledges on scavenger hunts to Center City or on overnight trips to other states, Penn fraternity Omega Alpha Theta Mu Epsilon Alpha Lambda (commonly referred to as Oatmeal), is planning to send its incoming pledge class to the highest point above sea level in the world!

This decision comes as a result of the ongoing feuds between the various fraternities on campus, all trying to top one another. A spokesman from Oatmeal said, “Plenty of frats are sending their pledges to events in places around Philadelphia, New Jersey, or neighboring states. But we’re better than all of our lame competition. We’re sending our pledges to somewhere they can really have the time of their lives, somewhere they wouldn't see otherwise.”

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Features  Published 02/20/17 2:51pm

Does Penn Hate America?


Photo: Becky Molinoff / National Parks Conservation Association (edited)

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you may have noticed that there were/are a lot of visitors at Penn this weekend. No, it’s not just Global Warming enthusiasts who came to enjoy the warm weather - it’s because most schools in America have today, and for some even tomorrow off of school. That’s because today is President’s Day. But why doesn’t Penn have off?

UTB writers are not ones to lay low and let such injustice fly, so we did a little research and came up with a few possibilities.

Option 1: President’s Day is celebrated a little differently in each state. Some use it to commemorate the life of George Washington, whose birthday is on February 22nd. Some states include Abraham Lincoln in the celebration, as his birthday is on February 12th, while others prefer to celebrate all of our nation’s presidents. But the one consistent trend on President’s Day is that no one commemorates President Amy Gutmann. Consequently, out of rage and despair, Amy cancelled the cancellation of Penn’s classes.

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Satire  Published 02/20/17 1:12pm

Amy Gutmann Spends President's Day in Philadelphia, Is Wowed by City's History


Photo: Carson Kahoe / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Celebrating her University title as well as the founding fathers, Amy Gutmann decided to make the rare trek from her off-campus home to Philadelphia for President’s Day. Unsurprisingly, students ranging from first-years to seniors were charmed and excited to see their ever-elusive leader, many for the first time since their freshman convocation ceremonies.

But Gutmann was in town for more than just the students. “I wanted to spend this very special holiday in Philadelphia, my place of work, because I feel it is my duty to my fellow presidents who paved the way for me,” remarked Gutmann, gazing at the historical architecture in awe. “And honestly, I’m quite impressed by all this city has to offer in the way of American history!”

When asked to expand on this point, Gutmann offered: “I just didn’t know there was so much going on here back when America was just starting out. I knew Boston had the Tea Party going for it, but it seems like Philly has been home to a few exciting historical events, too. There are so many plaques in this city!" Carefully yet confidently traversing the 300-year-old cobblestones in her kitten heels, she added “I mean, Pennsylvania was one of the original thirteen colonies—that’s a 7.69% acceptance rate. Really extraordinary.” 

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Satire  Published 02/18/17 1:27pm

Joe Biden Attempts to Make PennKey, Finds "biden" Already Taken


Photo: Susanna Jaramillo / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Serving as vice president of the United States is tough. But selecting a viable PennKey is far harder. Shortly after facing rejection from eight Wharton clubs, former Vice President Joe Biden recently ran into another roadblock in his transition to Penn: the PennKey "biden" was already taken.

"I just got all these weird options," said a bemused Biden. "I had to pick from terrible stuff like bijo and josbi. And that's not even the stuff including my middle name, like jorobi, robibi, and brob." Biden's middle name is Robinette.

Although several of his family members have attended Penn, Biden had specifically told them to save the biden PennKey for him, citing a general dibs on all things Biden. "When my granddaughter started at Penn, she wanted hers to be 'biden,'" Biden told us. "But I said no. I called that PennKey since before she was born. I’m the OG Biden."

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