Satire  Published 17 hours ago

Sean Spicer to Accept Teaching Position at the Annenberg School for Communication

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Photo by Gage SkidmoreCC by-sa 2.0


Moments after Sean Spicer's resigned as the White House Press Secretary, we learned that he has accepted a teaching position at the Annenberg School for Communication.

We reached out to the spokesperson for the Annenberg School, who told us: "With Sean Spicer's past experience and repeated failures, we are confident that he will be an invaluable asset to Penn's Communications department. The helpful and patient tone he has employed with reporters at the White House will carry over to a classroom quite well."

The spokesperson also released the following course list for the Fall 2017 semester:

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Satire  Published 07/20/17 11:00am

Humiliating! Student References Avocado’s Number During Chem Lab

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Photo by Personal Creations / Flickr, PRHaney / Wikimedia Commons


The latest in our series of Words People Confuse With Avocado brings us to the shameful experience of Abby Pullman (C ‘20). Originally pre-med, Abby had enrolled in many of the introductory classes first semester Freshman year. She was cautiously ambitious, and anticipated the classes would be difficult but manageable. It all started off well. Abby was balancing BBB109, Physics 150, Chem101, and Math 104, in addition to a growing social life and occasionally going to a Penn Dems meeting. But the good times could not last.

It was during a Chem lab period that it happened. Her lab group was trying to calculate how much Hydrogen Chloride to add to their solution, so they needed to do some unit-conversion. Abby recalled, “Well, Avocado’s Number is 6.022 x 10^23.”

“Excuse me?”

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Satire  Published 07/19/17 5:35pm

BREAKING: College Senior Finally Takes AP Scores Off Resume

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Photo by Pixabay // CC0 Public Domain


It has been a very sombre day in the life of rising College senior Jessica Ingram.

In a heartbreaking move that left both herself and her family devastated, Ingram wistfully removed a thorough list of her AP scores from the section on her resume aptly named “Notable Accomplishments and Awards”.

Sources tell UTB that these scores showed evidence of Ingram’s remarkable genius and intellect, as she received a 5 on AP Calculus AB and BC, as well as AP Physics 1 and AP Chemistry. Ingram’s brilliance also extended to non-quantitative subjects, where she received a 4 on the AP English Language exam.

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Satire  Published 07/17/17 7:09pm

Panicking Junior Still Has No Idea What She Wants to Do in Life

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Photo by CollegeDegrees360 / CC by-sa 2.0


Even though Kayla Burns (C '19) is already halfway through college, she has no idea what she plans to do once she graduates. And she's panicking.

"Everyone just said to study what I was interested in. So I followed my passions: I'm triple majoring in Biophysics, PPE, and German," Burns told us. "What am I supposed to do with that?"

Burns does have a job, however, working as a Summer Analyst. Apparently, she doesn't actually know what a Summer Analyst does, just that's she works 60 hours a week and makes $2 above minimum wage.

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Satire  Published 07/13/17 7:26pm

Meet the Junior Working on an App and Two Entrees This Summer

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Photo by Anthony92931 / CC BY-SA 3.0


If you go to Penn, there's a pretty good chance that many of your friends are working on some app this summer, and many will do the same after they graduate. For some students, though, an app just isn't enough. Ken Brinker, a rising Junior in the school of Engineering, is one of those students. 

When I met up with Ken at his one-bedroom apartment in Tribeca, he seemed like your average Penn kid. He came to the door in a wrinkled fling tank and a pair of sweatpants, stained with what was either ketchup or tomato sauce. Although it was after 11 o'clock in the morning on a Sunday, he had clearly just woken up.

"I knew I wanted to live and work in or around New York," Ken explained to me. "So many people are here, and there are great opportunities. Then, when I realized that I'd have to commute to Jersey City, I knew Tribeca was the place to be. It's expensive, but it's worth it. I mean, my commute is less than half an hour."

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Satire  Published 07/12/17 6:46pm

Shocking: Gutmann Announces Plans to Build $1.2 Billion English Building

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Courtesy of Penn Medicine


Breaking from tradition, the university is poised to spend vast amounts of money on a building unrelated to medicine, economics, business, or STEM pursuits.

University President Amy Gutmann has formally unveiled plans for a brand new, state-of-the-art, $1.2 billion building to serve as a new home fof the English department. The department, currently housed in Fisher-Bennett Hall alongside other humanities departments, will be moving to its new berth upon the building's completion.

In a press release, Gutmann delivered the exciting news.

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Satire  Published 07/11/17 7:03pm

Donald Trump Jr.'s Penn Email Signature Leaked: 'FYI I Do NOT Attend Penn State'

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/ Photos 2-4 via Twitter


These days, the mainstream media is focusing on the content of Donald Trump Jr.'s emails and the apparent connection between the Russian government and Donald Trump’s campaign. But there's something much more important that hasn't been covered.

We recently investigated his emails from his years at Penn (UPenn, not Penn State, just to clarify), and discovered his Gmail signature from the time.

As you can see by the last line, Trump Jr. clarified an error made by so many of our second cousins: that we attend Penn State and not a university with a 9.15% acceptance rate. Like, seriously, we're the elite.

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Satire  Published 07/10/17 5:36pm

Friend Group Spends Summer Jealous of Each Others' Internships

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Photo by Phil Whitehouse / CC 2.0


"We STEM boyz," a group chat of Penn rising seniors, has achieved the hard, but far from impossible. All of its members had the fortune of landing prestigious internships in their careers of choice for this summer. We were honored to be granted interview time with three of their most successful members, but surprised to find that all three admitted to feelings of intense jealousy over their friends' internship experiences. 

Prakash Agarwal (E '18) is exactly the type of guy you'd expect to find at a summer analyst position at Goldman Sachs. Intelligent, confident, and obsessed with nice suits, Agarwal greeted me with a firm handshake and a reserved smile. We settled down for coffee at a Starbucks, since we were missing Penn. After ordering his daily order of a Venti Dark Roast, he launched into an unexpectedly impassioned rant.

"I was so excited when I found out I got the job, I changed my LinkedIn description to 'Incoming Summer Analyst at Goldman Sachs' and posted on Facebook right away," said Agarwal, grabbing his coffee and downing a frighteningly large gulp. "But when I got here, I found out that it's endless spreadsheets and people pleasing and nitpicking over the most tedious of details. Why didn't I pick something that actually makes use of my engineering skills, like Martin? This blows."

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Satire  Published 07/07/17 5:02pm

UTB Reviews: Kidz Bop At Party On The Parkway

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Photo: Razor & Tie / Wikimedia Commons


Just as the American government is a government of the people, by the people, and for the people, Kidz Bop is a music of the kids, by the kids, and for the kids. So naturally, Kidz Bop was the obvious headliner for the Fourth of July Party on the Parkway. Referred to by an unreliable source as the number one music brand for kids, Kidz Bop’s only free concert started at 1:00 pm this past Tuesday.

Everyone who’s anyone was at the Kidz Bop concert, but for those of you who got a little too lit to attend, we’ll give you a recap of the show.

The group started with their most recent hit, “Parents Are the Worst.” Despite the clapback from critics, the song has struck a chord with many overprivileged kidz around the country. Some of the most popular lyrics include: “Mom won’t let me have a boy-girl sleepover \ My only hope is to find a four-leaf clover” and “Curfew on school nights is 7 pm \ My parents don’t want me to have any friends.”

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Satire  Published 07/06/17 6:47pm

Penn Students Shocked to Learn There Is Another Grocery Store Near Campus

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Confused Woman Wearing Christmas Ornaments on Neck / Public Domain


By now, most people know that the Fresh Grocer is set to be replaced by an Acme supermarket in the near future. The only problem? FroGro won't leave. As the legal battle between FroGro and Penn rages on, many students have expressed concerns that the transition between FroGro and Acme will leave Penn and the surrounding area without any nearby grocery store during the school year.

However, they have nothing to fear! The grocery store Supreme Shop n Bag is located at 4301 Walnut, just three (3) blocks west of FroGro. Supreme is smaller, with a lesser selection and less high-end offerings (they don't have a sushi area, and if they are selling sushi you probably shouldn't buy it), but is a grocery store nonetheless. It has fresh produce, a deli, all the packaged foods and home goods you might expect from a grocery store, and an impressive "international" aisle. Plus, it's cheaper!

That being said, they do not sell alcohol.

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