Features  Published 11 hours ago

Things Longer Than Winter Break

Winter break is too damn short. To put its shortness in perspective, here is a list of things that are longer than Winter break.

  1. The walk to DRL

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 Published 13 hours ago

UTB Joins The Hallowed Ranks Of 297K Twitter Accounts Followed By The Mindy Project

Last night, UTB finally received the coveted @TheMindyProject follow on Twitter dot com. One of only 297,000 accounts (it was 293,000 when we took the screenshot but they followed 4,000 more people overnight and we used up our weekly screenshot allowance) followed by whatever unpaid intern runs @TheMindyProject, UTB is finally getting the recognition it deserves as a major influencer on social media.

While we aren't sure what unites Under the Button with fellow accounts followed by the @TheMindyProject like The TRUTH and AFGE Local 32, we are thankful to be included in this hand-selected all-star cast of twitter accounts followed by @TheMindyProject.

News  Published 15 hours ago

Club Penguin On The Issues: Gun Control

This week for Club Penguin On The Issues, we asked other penguins what they thought about gun control. The feedback was surprisingly weak. We have some potential conspiracy theories as to why Club Penguin users didn't respond to such incendiary comments:

  1. All the American CP users were at school. This left us with the international users from different time zones who probably felt less connected to the issue and perverted weirdos who were too afraid to type back a response in fear that the police would find them, and ask them why the hell they were on Club Penguin in the first place.
  2. The Big Government, in conjunction with the Liberal Media, is backing a huge censorship campaign that forbids all Club Penguin users from talking about their 2nd Amendment Rights and anything that could lead to the realization that climate change isn’t real.
  3. All CP users are children and don’t care about anything except igloos and puffle pets.

 Published 18 hours ago

Watch This Beautiful Formal Request To Amy Gutmann

If you can get through this video without tearing up, then you have no heart. A Penn fraternity brother (who shall remain anonymous) wanted to take the most special woman on campus, President Amy Gutmann, to his formal, so he created this heartfelt plea to win her heart. Can you say magical? Amy, please reach out to us if you want to know the identity of this young man. 

News  Published 12/07/16 6:30pm

Trump Victory Prompts The Daily Pennsylvanian To Be Hacked By Russians

Yes, this actually happened. Last week, DP staffers were rather puzzled when perusing Google Analytics. At the time of this article, "Secret.google.com You are invited! Enter only with this ticket URL Copy it. Vote for Trump!" is not a language and raised general alarm in the DP newsroom

Upon further investigation, DPeople discovered that this odd data is the result of a Google Analytics hack on the part of Russian Trump fanatic by the name of Vitaly Popov. Reportedly, Popov has been using a robot to create fake website visits and push the Pro-Trump message into the language field.

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Features  Published 12/07/16 5:24pm

Call To Action Now That American Apparel Is Broke

American Apparel is broke. Because of this they are having a huge sale, which makes their clothes officially affordable. Now the question is, what should you buy? Read on for UTB’s top suggestions.

1. Holiday Gifts

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 Published 12/07/16 4:29pm

Genius: Nervous RA Comes Up With List Of Alternative Contraceptives

Daniel Burex, a junior RA in the quad, is too nervous to go to Fro-Gro to buy condoms, but the freshmen on his floor sure as hell aren't going to do it. He knows they need to use some sort of protection, or else they'll end up having a kid and naming it something stupid, like Jaxson or Rainbow. Luckily, Todd is a clever ivy-league student and thought up a genius list of alternative forms of contraception that he has readily available:

  1. A Pair of crocs
  2. A Pair of crocodiles
  3. Your disappointed grandmother
  4. A Nickelback tattoo
  5. Sex panther cologne (only works 60% of the time)
  6. A Swift kick to the nuts
  7. PB&J with the crusts cut off
  8. The realization that the bees are dying at an alarming rate
  9. Chlamydia
  10. Tickets to the Shabbatones concert
  11. Spiky stubble
  12. Musical.ly account
  13. Posting on the class page
  14. Chastity belt
  15. A playlist of babies crying
  16. Mountain dew
  17. Your disappointed priest
  18. Subscription to the Statesman
  19. An abstinence-only sex education
  20. Third and fourth nipples
  21. A balloon covered in worries
  22. Tinder Plus
  23. Feet for hands
  24. Editorial position at Under the Button
  25. MERT outfit

 Published 12/07/16 2:20pm

Sign Our Petition So Hoodie Allen Won't Perform At Fling

Spring Fling has brought some great artists to Penn: Akon, Chance the Rapper, Ke$ha, David Guetta,Tiesto, and plenty of others. Some artists, however, have cheapened the concert series: Tyga, for example, was perhaps not the best choice in 2013, no matter how big of a hit "Rack City" was.

We don't want certain artists to perform at Fling, no matter how big of a connection they have to Penn. In response to a student on Twitter, Penn alum and frat rapper Hoodie Allen expressed his interest in performing at Spring Fling. "I could only dream", wrote Allen. We cannot let this dream become a reality.

Hoodie Allen is not joking around about performing at colleges this spring, as made clear by this tweet. We have to stop him, before it's too late.

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Features  Published 12/06/16 4:59pm

Buying Condoms At Fro-Gro: A Guide

Buying condoms can be intimidating. Buying condoms at Fresh Grocer can be a living hell. They keep them behind the counter with the cigarettes, requiring you to ask for them and specify the exact brand and weird lubricant type that you prefer. The results can be devastating as the person behind the counter will most likely cock an eyebrow as if to suggest that the probability of you getting laid is rather low. That being said, UTB is happy to provide a few strategies that can minimize the anguish of the experience.

  1. Pretend to be on a very important phone call: Before you walk up to the counter, put your phone to your ear and very loudly begin discussing something vague but important. For an added touch, have a coffee in hand that you drink while the "other person" talks. Somewhere in the phone call, ask for condoms as an aside before quickly going back to your phone call. Here's some sample dialogue: "Listen, just buy it. Buy, buy, buy......well then sell it! I don't know! (Aside) Hey can I get a pack of extra-snug condoms? Thanks (end aside) Well you tell him that if the SEC wants to come crawling up my ass, they can bloody well do so...Hold on, the Dalai Lama is on the other line, I gotta take this."
  2. Disguise the purchase by also buying less-incriminating items: This one is a classic move. Before buying condoms, buy a variety of items to normalize the purchase and hide the fact that you only came in for condoms. Here's an ideal basket: an issue of Good Housekeeping, 1/2 pound of smoked turkey, black and white cookies, one two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, and a pack of Trident Layers. Feel free to customize this example basket to fit your personality! 
  3. Disguise the purchase by also buying an inadvisable amount of cigarettes: The condoms and the cigarettes are kept in the same place anyway. Reduce your embarrassment by buying a shit-ton of cigarettes. Buy at least three packs of each brand and type. This will distract the person behind the counter and make condoms look like a perfectly normal and responsible choice. Besides, it's finals season - you needed a smoke.
  4. Leave Fro-Gro and go floor-to-floor in Harrison hunting for free condoms: Fuck it. Get outta there and run to Harrison. Take the elevator to floor 5 and search the hallways for free condoms. Move up one floor and continue searching. Continue this process until all condoms are seized. 

With these tools, we at UTB are confident that you'll be able to score some rubbers. Good hunting!

 Published 12/06/16 4:00pm

OZ Releases Holiday Playlist!

Just in time for winter break, OZ released their annual holiday playlist today! While one featured song might be known for some questionable content (seriously, a girl asking "What's in this drink?" while trying to leave is never good), it's a timeless classic as well as an OZ personal favorite. Check it out below!

Editor's note: This is satire but if anyone in OZ would like to share their real holiday playlist with us, please let us know at tips@underthebutton.com

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