Satire  Published 11 hours ago

Junior Returns to Soul-Draining Internship From Previous Summer

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Photo: Oriez / Wikimedia Commons


Last year, Samuel Chen (W'18) was one of the lucky rising juniors to score a summer analyst internship at Goldman Sachs. Despite having a completely unfulfilling experience at his internship, he plans to return to Goldman this summer and, indeed, to work at the firm after graduation.

Chen described his work at Goldman as tedious and uninteresting. "Most of my responsibilities were fixing Excel spreadsheets and making presentations," he lamented. He regaled us with tales of late nights doing meaningless work, a frustrating boss, and a growing inability to speak to anyone who makes less than six figures a year.

"Even though I learned nothing worthwhile and hated it, I'm really excited to be going back this summer!" Chen insisted, flashing us his bright, LinkedIn profile picture-worthy smile. It took him several minutes of deep thought, but he was eventually able to cite some perks of the internship: networking, building his resume, and most importantly, taking photos in NYC to create a fire Instagram feed.

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Features  Published 12 hours ago

Penn Glee Club Has Been Formally PUT ON NOTICE

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/ Penn News


Glee, you thought that we wouldn't respond?

In the art for an article on Penn News regarding their singing telegrams, Penn Glee members chose to stand in The Button, an action that we at Under the Button dot com find to be impermissible.

Contrary to popular belief, our organization's name doesn't stem from some crude, public sex act. Our offices are literally located underneath the Button statue, and these musical morons were intruding in an extremely rude fashion. We've got like 20 people trying to work under there and a bunch of random dudes standing in the middle of our office is not conducive to fostering a healthy work environment, no matter how well you sing. 

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Satire  Published 13 hours ago

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day

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Photo: Meredith Mitchell / The Daily Pennsylvanian



Satire  Published 15 hours ago

University To Allow Families Of Mice To Take Part In Housing Selection For 2017-2018

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/ Wikimedia Commons


In an effort to boost inclusivity and general campus welfare, Penn Residential Services has decided to allow families of mice to participate in the on-campus housing selection process for 2017-2018. The decision came after some rodent families expressed dissatisfaction with the lack of options offered by the University, in terms of both physical space and roommates.

“The mice claimed that their interests were being overlooked, leaving them with undesirable locations and rude, misbehaved, or generally offensive roommates,” said Residential Services spokesperson Stuart Peromyscus. “They’re being relegated to walls and beneath furniture, like small pests. Some freshmen have requested that we exterminate their roommates. Disgusting! What happened to communication?”

Many students live with rodent families - a decision they themselves did not make. Common complaints include mice stealing food, making noise at night, and never taking out the trash. However, Residential Services is looking to facilitate the room selection process in a manner they claim will increase the comfort of both mouse and human parties. “People like mice,” Peromyscus says. “They’re cute.”

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Features  Published 02/23/17 6:02pm

Fill Out Our Survey About the Penn Administration, Media, and Campus Climate

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Photo: Public Domain / Pixabay


This survey will help us make UTB, and Penn, better for everybody. It could, perhaps, be compared to Trump's Mainstream Media Accountability Survey. Please scroll down through the questions, and answer as accurately as possible. 


Satire  Published 02/23/17 4:32pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day

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Photo: Amanda Nart / The Daily Pennsylvanian



Satire  Published 02/23/17 1:59pm

Donald Trump's Junior Year Transcript

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Photo: Gage Skidmore / Flickr


Here it is, everyone. We finally got our hands on a section of President Trump's transcript, and the contents are sure to make some waves. Check out his junior year transcript in two parts below, and we'll try to find his senior year transcript as soon as we can.

For more Trump-related content, click here. Or click here. You can even click here.


Features  Published 02/23/17 10:46am

How to Get Kicked Out of Class Now That the Drop Period Is Over

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Photo: File Photo / The Daily Pennsylvanian


In case you didn't hear, the drop period ended last Friday. That means that you or one of your loved ones are stuck with the crappy fifth class you planned to drop, or the pointless-but-demanding elective you regret signing up for. But are you really stuck? Think outside the box.

While your situation may seem hopeless, there is one one very simple way to get out of any class: getting kicked out. Here are seven foolproof ways to ensure that you will be asked to drop the class.

1. Sit in the very front of the room but, instead of paying attention to the professor, take out your favorite newspaper and start reading, completely obscuring your face and blocking the view of those behind you.

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Satire  Published 02/22/17 5:02pm

Penn Increases Tuition to Fund Purchase of More Weird Sculptures

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Photo: Marc Smith / Flickr


Last week the University Board of Trustees signed off on another 3.9 percent tuition hike for undergraduates, raising Penn’s cost of attendance by $2,610 to $68,610. Although inflation rates that high are usually only good news when you’re talking about grades, this time around Penn is promising that these increases are in the best interest of its students.

One might expect Penn to use this added revenue to invest in high rise elevator renovations or enigmatic task forces, but today the administration has made it clear that the goal of these price increases is to fund the creation of even more bizarre sculptures on campus.

The University recognizes that weird sculptures are what’s bringing tourism dollars and attracting prospective students to Penn. “With the popularity of installations like the LOVE sculpture, the Button, and Covenant, we decided that we need to invest even more money in weird art. We received an overwhelmingly positive reaction from the four students we polled about this decision."

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Satire  Published 02/22/17 3:32pm

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day

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Photo: Gena Basha / The Daily Pennsylvanian



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