News  Published 1 hour ago

Amy G Adding Another Leadership Position To Her Resume

While us peasants are spending today capturing our #PennDayinLife (which isn't grammatically correct), aka crying as we eat Wawa in the back our Stat lecture, Madame President is killing it as usual. Last year, our beautiful blonde bombshell was elected Vice-Chair of the Association of American Universities (the AAU for the uneducated) and we correctly predicted her future promotion. That's right, beginning today, A-Gut will be serving as the chair of the board of directors for the AAU!

As the President of Presidents, A-Gut will finally be able to solve all of Penn's most pressing problems (can we finally get that Whomping Willow?). The world is Amy's oyster and we can only hope she doesn't pack up her pantsuits leave us for something better ~**#ClintonGutmann2016~**.

Chasing Amy  Published 10 hours ago

Chasing Amy: The Fabulous Face Of Family Weekend

Check out this email that was sent to all our parents to remind them of their can't-miss opportunity for face time with Queen Amy. Let's just take a moment to revel in Madame President, who looks positively RESPLENDENT in a green top and smart blazer. This stunning image must be the result of an A-list celebrity photo-shoot suited for a Vogue cover – and the results are majestic. Blonder than ever and amazingly fresh-faced at nearly 65 (!), A-Gut has taken glamour to a whole new level. University presidents: they're just like STARS!

News  Published 13 hours ago

Sign Found In Harnwell Says The End Of Days Is Upon Us

Stop hitting your bong, poppin' your molly, or whatever substance-based fun you're having: they're coming for you. No, we don't mean the Philadelphia PD; there's a new sheriff on this campus, and not even the safest of places to get high are safe from the ever-so-scary Student Health Services, which has an impostor posting these fake signs all over the high-rises. Guess we should invest in a bunch of snapshotrs, since Penn hasn't yet announced its plans to breathalyze.

 Published 18 hours ago

Follow UTB's Day in the Life REALTALK -- As you lay in bed nursing your Tuesday morning hangover amidst an ever-encroaching pile of dirty laundry, click on over to our Instagram to see how Penn students just like you live A Day in the Life. You may be thrilled to discover that you're not the only one NOT casually tossing a Frisbee on College Green or discussing the Iliad with a pack of smiling racially-diverse friends. (And, if you're feeling inspired, send us some Fall pics here!)

News  Published 10/20/14 4:52pm

Philly's New Marijuana Law Is Now In Effect--Beginning today, carriers of less than 30 grams of weed will no longer face the prospect of a criminal record or jail time. Check out this video with super hip infographics to learn more. Looking to celebrate? We have a few ideas. 

News  Published 10/20/14 3:11pm

Surprise, Surprise: Penn Students Like Sex

As if Penn hasn't been ranked enough recently, we now have a new trophy to put in the case. According to Fiesta Frog, Penn is the 50th "Easiest College To Get Laid At." We're also the only school in the Ivy League that was rank-worthy, so at least our need to play up our status appears to be getting us in bed.

In terms of other colleges ranked, our neighbors at Temple came in at #33, while our unfortunate, similar-name bearing friends at Penn State placed at #16, which also happens to be the age of consent in PA. Coincidence? We think not.

News  Published 10/20/14 1:17pm

"A Day In The Life Of Penn" Is Finally Here!

Now that the excitement of the new semester is long gone and you’ve settled into your regular routine of eating Wawa chicken tenders as a legitimate meal, the time has finally arrived. Tomorrow, Penn wants us to pretend that we can actually function like studious, mature adults who take care of themselves and engage in healthy relationships

We know there’s plenty of pressure to impress prospective students after Penn’s major academic setbacks this year, so skip your midday stress-cry and wash those eye bags away, because we’re ready to kill it for "A Day In The Life Of Penn." Don’t fret when you drunkenly embarrass yourself and put Ben Franklin to shame— as far as Penn knows, that didn't really happen! Instead, Instagram a gloriously festive fall tree outside of Van Pelt while you study for your Sanskrit 460 midterm. Skipping your DRL lecture to watch Netflix? Not tomorrow, you’re not! Send in a picture of your class pennant hanging on your dorm room wall, since you’re just bursting with pride for the Red and the Blue and really want everyone who walks into your room to know that, yes! You, too, go to an Ivy! 

Tomorrow, think less this, and more this. And if you do happen to snap a nice, possibly pornographic pic in the near future—well, you know what to do.

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 Published 10/20/14 8:36am

What's HapPENNing

Another Monday, another deluge of events to keep you busy when you're not, like, brainstorming costumes for Halloween. 

MondayAdam Grant talks his newest book "Give and Take" with Wharton Undergrad Giving Society (yes, that's a thing)

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 Published 10/19/14 6:08pm

Penn Porn: Autumnal Edition, Vol. 2

If you've been a bit of a curmudgeon for no apparent reason in the last few weeks, you're not a bitch. You're just another poor soul suffering from in-between seasonal affective disorder. Ordering a toasty PSL when it's 72 degrees outside and always being inappropriately dressed for the weather no matter what you wear can really get to you.

Well, the temperature hit 70 for the last time for a very long time this week, which means it's finally basically  fall! Anyone who's been to campus around this time knows that autumn is what Penn was made for-- actually though. Our main administrative building is literally orange. In celebration, we're bringing back Penn Porn! Send your sexiest seasonal sightings to by next Sunday 10/26 and we'll post the best.

Features  Published 10/18/14 5:34pm

Random Dude At A Party, Vol. 2

Welcome back to Random Dude at a Party, a feature in which we bring you the wisdom of random dudes doing what Penn does best: partying. This week's fellow's identity will remain anonymous, but his Internet fame shall live on for eternity. Drum roll please...

October 17, 2014

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