Satire  Published 05/26/17 1:31pm

Penn Diarrhea Club Protests Closure of Local Taco Bell


The announcement that the Taco Bell near Penn, along with other restaurants in the same food court, will close for good by the end of June came as a shock for many members of the Penn community. Students lamented the departure, wondering where else they might be able to find traditional and authentic Mexican staples, such as the Crunchwrap Supreme®.

One group, in particular, was vocally opposed to Taco Bell's closure.

The Penn Diarrhea Club, an SAC-funded club dedicated to the appreciation and practice of diarrhea, will be hit particularly hard the departure of Taco Bell. Located inside the CVS food court, the Taco Bell has long been a gathering point for die-hard diarrhea-heads in the area. Now, they'll have to go elsewhere.

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Satire  Published 05/25/17 12:40pm

Student Attempts to Sell Demonic Textbook on Free & For Sale


Photo from Facebook

Desperate to be rid of his demonic organic chemistry textbook, Derek Montgomery (C'19) turned to the Free & For Sale Facebook group, hoping to sell the textbook to an unsuspecting student who probably got a B+ in CHEM 102 (this is embarrassing). Unfortunately for Montgomery, a sudden influx of sellers and the continual pirating of textbook pdfs hindered his efforts, much as alkyl groups attached to a tertiary carbon hinder a nucleophile's attack on said carbon in an SN2 mechanism.

Montgomery did his best with the ad, listing the price as "FREE" to catch buyers' interest before hitting them with a "prices negotiable" statement at the bottom. Despite this tactic and a cheerful description of the book as "Wade Organic Chemistry 8th edition - used but in good condition," he hasn't yet had success. Not one "messaged!" comment has graced his post. Instead, Montgomery's friends have angry reacted and warned buyers, saying "definitely don't buy this," "his book is possessed," and "we're not kidding, this is actually true." 

Montgomery himself does not deny this. "As soon as I picked up the book from the previous owner, I felt a chill pass over me and broke out into a cold sweat," he said. "I felt like I might never be happy again." Throughout the school year, Montgomery experienced both inexplicable sobbing and a furious desire to draw arrows when he approached his textbook. He concluded, "I think it's the ghosts of the pre-meds who came before me. They were trying to warn me, but I didn't listen."

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Satire  Published 05/24/17 3:38pm

Hill Is Finally Getting A/C! No One Cares That Gregory and Kings Court Aren't


/ Public Domain

Hill College House is making a bittersweet return. Sure, we're happy that Hill brunch will be back. But we had thought that the University was going to demolish Hill and replace it with a Starbucks. The fact that we missed an opportunity to go to one Starbucks, cross the street, and immediately enter another Starbucks is crushing.

But something even better than Hill brunch is coming. It took a mere 80 million bucks, but Hill will finally have air conditioning! At last, every important college house has A/C. Yes, we admit the four students living in either Gregory and Kings Court will still suffer from the heat come August. But who cares? The sound of their crying will be drowned out by the hundreds of rising juniors who are mad that they didn't have A/C when they lived in Hill.

Rumor has it that these upperclassmen also loudly complained that they didn't have a chance to live in New College House last year. Rumor also has it that none of these individuals will be living in New College House, which is open to all undergraduates, in the fall.

Satire  Published 05/23/17 5:11pm

Apparently, Only 64.5% of Penn Students Hate the Dining Plan


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

According to the DP, a student survey found that 64.5% of Penn students are unsatisfied with the dining plan. This number came as a shock to many. How can less than two-thirds of the student body hate the meal plan? Where are the other 35.5%? Are they all hiding in Commons at this very moment, knowing that they are safe from the haters because no one would voluntarily eat there?

We surveyed all 10,000 undergrads and found the three students who appeared to enjoy the dining plan.

First, we spoke to Isabelle Chen (C '20), who immediately shared with us that she is pre-vet. "I love animals," she stated. "It makes my day when I see a mouse scamper by my feet or a cockroach dashing across my watery eggs after I sit down for breakfast."

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Satire  Published 05/22/17 5:49pm

Junior Who Worked on Trump Campaign Disappointed That He Didn't Meet Russian Officials


At a Penn reunion for the 1967 graduating class, dozens of alumni protested against classmate and 1968 Wharton graduate Donald Trump, pictured above, urging Penn to "Denounce Trump."

Photo: Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

This takes workplace red tape to a new level.

College junior Matt Walker interned with the pristine and issue-free Trump campaign early last summer. While he found it to be a hugely beneficial internship, the best internship, he did have one major issue with his time at the GOP. 

"I'm just super bummed that I didn't get to meet any cool Russian officials," he griped to UTB on Monday. To Walker, it seemed like everyone else got to hang out with the Russians but him. He felt left out. "I get that not everyone gets to work directly with Russian intelligence officers, but I thought that I would at least get to hang out with a hacker or two. This is the Trump campaign, after all," Walker huffed.

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Satire  Published 05/19/17 2:21am

​Embarrassing: The Entire Graduating Class Showed up in the Same Outfit


m00by / CC 2.0 by-nd

Major Fashion Faux Pas Alert! Rumor has it that every one of the thousands of graduating seniors went to commencement wearing the exact same outfit. The crazy thing is, no one seems to know how this possibly could have happened.

"Honestly, I didn't think that anyone else would wear black," a recent grad told us, wanting to remain anonymous in order to protect his identity. "It's such a unique color that no one else wears ever."

"I'm so humiliated," he added. "This is almost as bad as when I didn't get matched with anyone for the Last Hurrah, just last week. Wait, don't put that in the article. This is still anonymous, right?"

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Satire  Published 05/18/17 11:55am

SWUG Graduates, Realizes She's Just Washed-Up Now


For Grace Diaz (E '17), graduating was bittersweet. Sure, she was excited to get as far away from Penn's campus as possible by working in New York City. But something didn't quite feel right.

Diaz suddenly realized— she was no longer a Senior Washed-Up Girl. Now, she was just washed-up.

We reached out to the former SWUG, current WUG, for comment.

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Satire  Published 05/17/17 2:53pm

Nostalgic Alumnus Fondly Recounts Peeing on Ben on the Bench to Family


Photos (with edits) by Kim Flowers, Unknown / CC0, CC 2.0

When Norman Fishman (W ’89) returned to campus during Alumni weekend, there was only one site he wanted to see: Ben on the Bench, the urea-painted statue on 37th and Locust. So, while the rest of his classmates enjoyed a picnic and reminisced about wholesome collegiate experiences, Fishman dragged his family to the spot where he once "heroically" desecrated an American legend.

“Right here. This is where I stood and let him have it,” Fishman chuckled to himself, pointing to the statue. “Just dropped trough and... pssss,” he laughed, pretending to pee on Ben once again. “Man, did I have some good times in college.”

Fishman’s family stood next to him during the retrospective episode, unsure of a proper response. “Norm,” his wife Kathy (C ’89) pressed. “Why don’t you tell the kids about winning that startup competition? Or becoming UA Vice President?”

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Satire  Published 05/16/17 12:26pm

Best Graduation Caps of 2017


We rounded up the best graduation caps from this year's ceremonies. If you disagree with our choices, you're wrong!

Satire  Published 05/15/17 1:13pm

Penn Security Discovers Trump Hiding in Bushes During Alumni Weekend


Photos (with edits) by Michael Vadon; Garrett Nelson for The Daily Pennsylvanian; Unknown / CC 2.0 by-sa; Public domain

This past weekend, from May 12-15, Penn alumni of all ages and privileged backgrounds gathered on campus to reconnect with former classmates and faculty. However, attendees were shocked by the appearance of one unexpected guest on Saturday. President Amy Gutmann made an impromptu presentation on campus, attempting to solicit money as a result of her heart-wrenching 2.7% salary decrease.

In other news, Penn Security officers were alerted to the presence of the President of the United States, Donald Trump (W ’68 (maybe)), who concealed himself in some bushes during the alumni picnic. Sources say Trump was attempting to avoid questions from former classmates regarding his campaign’s possible connections to the Russian government, and was also fearful some would dispute his reported 7.80 GPA.

So why did the President (of the United States) even attend Alumni Weekend?

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