Satire  Published 1 minute ago

Penn Men's Basketball Acquires Ivy League Title in Daring Midnight Raid


Photo: Snilliam Wow / The Daily Pennsylvanian

If we learned one thing this season, it's that you should never count out Penn men's basketball. And while the women's team was suffering a heartbreaking loss in the first round of the NCAA tournament after leading by 21 points in the fourth quarter, the men were pulling off a comeback that even Texas A&M couldn't have dreamed of.

The Quakers bounced back from a demoralizing Ivy League semifinal loss in resounding fashion, acquiring the Ivy League Championship in a daring midnight raid conducted at Princeton headquarters whilst the Tigers slept.

"Well, sh*t," said befuddled Princeton coach Mitch Henderson.

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Satire  Published 2 minutes ago

Meet the Penn Student Pursuing a Stand-Up Comedy Career After Receiving 300 Likes on His Meme


La Yekthar Show / CC Share-Alike 3.0

Alex Tagore used to be a normal, quiet Penn student. He did his homework, occasionally went out, was a part of some clubs, and lived a normal, boring life. But this weekend, everything changed.

Stricken by the “meme fever” that had spread at Penn, Tagore decided to get himself involved in the growing trend. A new member of the world-renowned “Official Unofficial Penn Squirrel Catching Club,” Tagore initially just viewed the Facebook page as something funny and amusing to look at in his free time. Last weekend, however, he decided to take a leap of faith and create his own content.

Inspired by the other hysterical comedians at Penn, Tagore worked to design his own flawless meme masterpiece (or as he humorously calls it, a memesterpiece). After spending 28 straight hours putting together pictures of Amy Gutmann, M&T insults, and questionable pornography, Tagore finally finished his work of art.

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Satire  Published 5 minutes ago

DP Weather Columnist: No One Knows What the Weather Will Be Anymore, So Stop Asking


Photo by DP Design

According to recent weather data, it has become apparent that meteorological seasons no longer exist.

This unexpected yet historically-significant shift away from the what we assumed was a relatively fixed climate is not a result of any changes in Earth's astronomical positioning, but instead due to meteorological deviations, the cause of which is still unknown.

Over the last few months, the weather community in the American Northeast has been meticulously collecting and logging information on temperature fluctuations, types, and amounts of precipitation, and pressure systems— and experts have been powerless to find any intelligible patterns that would point to the continued existence of four discrete seasons.

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Satire  Published 5 minutes ago

Penn Football's Private Group Chat Leaks, and It's Actually Really Nice


Photo: Julia Schorr / The Daily Pennsylvanian

With the leaks of highly offensive group chats and other online communications within all-male sports teams at Harvard University and Columbia University still fresh on the minds of many, perhaps it made sense to expect the worst when the Penn football team's entire group chat leaked late on the night of March 27. The leak included photos, videos, and thousands upon thousands of messages. Refreshingly, there was no need for alarm.

None of the countless leaked messages contained any evidence of offensive or misogynistic language. On the few occasions the players discussed women other than their mothers (always in a respectful tone), the subject was never sexual or aesthetic.

"This girl in my chem class really knows her stuff," one running back said. "Is it weird to ask her to study next weekend?" His teammates offered nuanced and thoughtful perspectives, and he opted to meet her at the library to avoid any unintentional hint of romantic subtext.

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Satire  Published 7 minutes ago

Penn Quarterback Alek Torgersen Turns Down Cleveland Browns in Favor of Goldman Sachs


Photo: Karson Cahoe | Washed Up Photo Editor / The Daily Pennsylvanian

The Cleveland Browns should really just give up on taking quarterbacks in the first round of the NFL Draft at this point.

The Browns, armed with the first overall selection in this year's draft by virtue of having the NFL's worst record, took a chance on Penn football quarterback Alek Torgersen. But DP sources learned Tuesday that Torgersen has declined to sign his rookie contract and will end his pursuit of an NFL career in order to work at Goldman Sachs.

"It's a tough decision to step away from the game, that's for sure," Torgersen said. "A lot of it is financial … I have to do what's best for my family. And, while Cleveland's offer of $30 million guaranteed with another $12M in incentives was flattering, this unpaid summer internship at Goldman will open doors and give me valuable experience, which they told me is really worth up to nine figures — untaxed money, mind you."

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Satire  Published 8 minutes ago

Three Injured in Scooter Accident on Locust Walk


Photo by Jesse Palmer / CC 2.0

A student riding a Razor scooter collided with two pedestrians on Locust Walk on Monday at approximately 1:50 p.m. Eyewitnesses report watching the scooter hit a loose brick and ejecting its rider into the two students, one of whom was speed walking to class while staring at his phone and one of whom was avoiding a particularly aggressive Locust flyer distributor.

"I just saw this blue and silver blur rush past me. Then I heard the sickening sound of a metal Razor scooter colliding hard with flesh," said Wharton junior Kristin Anderson, the flyer distributor. "Next thing I know, there are three mildly scraped up kids on the ground. I called MERT for the first time in my three years at Penn, just to be safe. Also, come out to our show this Friday and Saturday at 8 p.m. in Houston Hall!"

The scooter rider, whose name has not been released, was allegedly running late for a midterm. Bystanders report that he failed to give adequate warning to pedestrians walking in front him, even before he lost control of the vehicle.

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Satire  Published 10 minutes ago

Amy Gutmann to Live in Rodin Next Year


Photo by DP Design Staff

Rodin College House residents of the 2017-2018 school year, some of you will be President Amy Gutmann’s hall mates.

Gutmann will be living on the 10th floor of Rodin next year, as part of an initiative she has called “Engagement at the Most Local Level.”

Her lottery number only allowed her a single in Rodin. She said the Harrison College House and Harnwell College House options during her lottery slot were only quads, and she was wary about having three random roommates.

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Satire  Published 12 minutes ago

OP-ED: Forget About Mental Health, I Just Want Free Printing


Photo: Joy Lee / The Daily Pennsylvanian

These days, all people at Penn seem to talk about is mental health. Mental health this, mental health that. From the opinion pages of the DP to the meme pages of FB, students are complaining about the insufficient attention and funding given to mental health services on campus. This, it seems many would say, is one of Gutmann and her team's greatest failings. But aren't we all forgetting about something?

As a student in the College of Arts and Sciences, I'm often forced to print things out. Essays, study guides, pages just covered in black ink to use to make a cool paper airplane, you name it; I have to print a lot, and I have to pay for it all myself. For all the UA campaign promises and annoyed freshmen, one of Penn's most glaring flaws has been forgotten. Not enough people get free printing.

Yes, CAPS is probably an insufficient resource for the Penn community. And yes, the nature of Penn is stressful and competitive, which takes a serious mental toll on all those attending, whether they admit it or not. But the printing resources are also insufficient, and the nature of Penn is a paper-centric one which takes a serious toll on my wallet every time I print.

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Satire  Published 16 minutes ago

Justin Tuck Ruled Eligible for Penn Sprint Football


Photo: Bb Pranay / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Seeking a repeat title, Penn sprint football just got a big boost — literally.

The Collegiate Sprint Football League ruled former New York Giants defensive end and current Wharton graduate student Justin Tuck eligible to suit up for the Red and Blue. As a result, Tuck will become the first player with NFL experience to compete in the CSFL in the league’s 84-year history.

“Kid looks fast, big, strong, real thick body, could definitely do some good things for us,” Penn coach Bill Wagner said. “He’s a load, baby. We can always use a kid like that who can get after the quarterback. I mean you just gotta get back there, wrap up and take him to the ground, baby. We can coach him up real good, man we got over a hundred years of experience on this staff.”

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Satire  Published 17 minutes ago

Dean Furda's Son Rejected From Penn


Photo by DP Design Staff

Tens of thousands of students submit their personal statements and Common Applications to Penn each year, crossing their fingers and hoping for the best.

This year, one of those students was Benjamin F. Furda, who was effectively submitting an application to his dad.

“It was a little weird,” Furda said. “I knew he’d be objective though.”

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