Satire  Published 1 hour ago

Penn Accidentally Hires English-Speaking Math Professor

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Photo from Public Domain


As midterm season is in full swing, countless Penn students are undoubtedly complaining about their professors and their various incompetencies. Unfortunately for students taking math courses, these problems are only about to get worse.

Reports indicate that the Penn Mathematics Department has just made the fatal error of hiring Professor Robert Philip, a distinguished Nobel Laureate and MacArthur Genius Grant Recipient. Despite having received his Master’s from MIT and PhD from Stanford, Phillip is a native English speaker – an unfortunate characteristic that sets him apart for all the wrong reasons.

“We apologize sincerely for this inexcusable mistake,” said a spokesperson from the Penn Mathematics Department. “We like to conduct a thorough background check of all prospective professors to ensure that they are able to confuse the hell out of their students in lecture. Unfortunately, we missed the fact that Professor Philip was born in South Dakota, rather than South Korea.”

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Satire  Published 10 hours ago

Junior Mistakes Case Interview Prep For Romantic Date

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Photo by Tumisu / CC0


Problem solving and chill is the new Netflix and chill, or so Wharton junior Jake Ellis thought when Stephanie* asked him to practice casing for their upcoming consulting interviews.

“When she asked me to do ‘case prep’ last Friday night, I could hardly believe it. She even made a cute joke about OCR being the Bain of her existence... I knew that had to be code for asking me out. Who actually preps on a Friday night besides my classmates who will inevitably beat me out of the limited available consulting positions?” Ellis said.

“I guess I was a little concerned when she suggested we meet in a GSR after I subtly noted that the record player in my apartment has great interview prep vibes, but I thought she was just into the kinky ‘public eye’ thing,” he continued.

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Satire  Published 13 hours ago

Frat Throws Frat Themed Frat Party

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Photo edited by MJ Kang, originals by Wicker Paradise (CC BY 2.0), Jbyoung15 (CC BY-SA 4.0), som3f00l (CC BY-SA 2.0)


It was getting close to Friday night and the mid-tier-and-rising fraternity, Rho Iota Chi (RICH), was running out of ideas for their next unregistered party. They had already exhausted their short list of themes throughout the year—the jersey party was, as the brother John, put it “a success, but the theme we had last week, and the week before that.”

“I don’t want a theme this week,” said the other brother, also named John, “let’s just wear normal clothes—boat shoes and salmon shirts--and call it a day.” The brothers nodded in agreement, but then Chad brought up a ground-breaking idea. “The only thing better than a party with no theme is a frat themed party.” The Locust chapter house erupted into applause, and got to work.

After 120 replies of “going” on their Facebook event, they knew that this party would be a success, increasing their chances to finally mix with OAX. The brothers gathered up all of their Natty Lites, American flag beer pong tables, and vineyard vines, scattering them disorderly around the room. “We just need some neon lights, and then we’re good.” 10:30pm couldn’t come any sooner.

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Satire  Published 13 hours ago

Sick: This Wharton Freshman Just Nailed that Personality Quiz

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Photo by Giang / CC BY 2.0


Read it and weep, suckers.

Chase Bennett (W'21) walked out of class on Friday a new man. He had just totally aced that personality test and there was no question that it made him look like an ideal employee/LinkedIn connection.

"We've got to take personality quizzes in virtually every Wharton class," Bennett told UTB in an exclusive interview. "This is the first of many to come and honestly, I fucking crushed it."

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Satire  Published 13 hours ago

New Penn Study Finds Midterm Season Lasts From Early October Until Your Professor God Damn Feels Like It's Over

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Photo by Seanhatton / CC BY-SA 3.0


The leaves are changing colors, and a cool breeze has blown in another round of exams at Penn; yes, it’s midterm season. Although many have already taken multiple midterms, most students still have many more lined up on the horizon, with some students wondering if the end is in sight. A new study from the Penn Graduate School of Education, found that the end of this stressful time might be later than some students planned. 

On October 19th, PGSE published a study that found Penn’s average midterm season now lasts from early October until your professor god damn feels like Its over.

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Satire  Published 13 hours ago

Ingenious: Wharton Student Creates Backpack Leash for Adults

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Photo by CollegeDegrees360 / Flickr CC BY-SA 2.0 (with edits)


The backpack leash market has been an unexplored industry for far too long. It certainly took guts for someone to expand into the adult market, but it was well worth it. For Lee Schmann (W ‘18), risk was never something that could stop him from going after a great idea.

“It actually came to me when I was around 7 years old,” Schmann told us. “I was so young back then - I had yet to invest in my first stock and I’d never even heard of Goldmann Sachs. But even then I knew what I wanted to do with my life.”

In his youth, Schmann had used a backpack leash until his bar mitzvah at age 13 - at which point he became a real man. But after 13 years of leash security, he found that he missed the gentle tug on his shoulders every time he walked too close to a potential danger.

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Satire  Published 10/20/17 3:48pm

Next Level Flyering: This Guy is Just Handing Out Business Cards on Locust

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Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian


Penn’s pre-professional culture has driven students to some fairly extreme lengths when trying to get a leg up in the hunt for jobs, but this OCR season, one Penn senior is ready to go above and beyond the call of duty in his search for a full time position.

After seeing certain popular locust flyerers successfully build up their own personal brand, Frederick Watkins (C ‘18) felt inspired to take things a step further. Rather than actually invest his own free time in advertising another organization, Watkins could just skip the middleman and advertise himself on Locust. Fred’s plan was simple: design a flyer that, at a glance, looked like legitimate promotion for a group at Penn, but in reality was just a business card extolling his own virtues. Then, he would hand it out at Penn's busiest walkway intersections.

Sadly, things are bleak for our budding entrepreneur. It seems like a hopeless grind for Fred as hundreds of Penn students walk by him without so much as a glance in his general direction. Luckily, Fred has become so desensitized to rejection after being shunned by dozens of employers that he doesn’t have much pride left to lose.

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Satire  Published 10/20/17 3:10pm

On-Campus Frat Makes Their WiFi AirPennNet, Mass Confusion Ensues

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Photo by MJ Kang; Public Domain


This past Thursday, students walking down Locust realized that they couldn’t connect to AirPennNet. 

“It kept asking me for a password. I put in my Penn login information, but it wouldn’t work,” explained Lily Thompson (C ’20).

After receiving a tip, UTB reporters tracked down Theta Fig member Jack Christianson (W ’19) and asked him for comment. 

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Satire  Published 10/20/17 12:46pm

Penn Student Insecure About Being in the Bottom Half of the Top One Percent of Wealth

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Photo by Edward N. Wolff / CC BY-SA 3.0 (with edits)


Jacob Swartz (W ‘20) comes from a modest background. He was raised by a stay-at-home mother and a father with a partnership at a law firm. Swartz attended a $60,000-per-year private high school, and went on trips to international luxury resorts with his family four times a year. He felt secure about his family’s finances when living in a gated community where everyone had similar levels of wealth.

Then he came to Penn.

“When I arrived at Penn, I immediately saw someone wearing a custom-tailored Dior suit,” he said. “The only Dior suit I have is off the rack. That was the first time I realized there were some rich kids at Penn.”

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Satire  Published 10/20/17 12:16pm

OP-ED: Joining LinkedIn Ruined My Life

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Photo by Tim Sackton / CC BY-SA 2.0


It all started out so innocently. It was freshman year; everyone was doing it. One night I finally gave in. “It was going to happen at some point,” I remember telling my friends. “It’s no big deal, guys.” And at first, it wasn’t. I copied and pasted in my resume and never gave it a second thought—until one day I logged in and saw it:

“INTERMEDIATE STRENGTH PROFILE”

Intermediate strength?! I go to THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA; no one tells me I’m mediocre. So I started connecting. I connected once, twice, three times a day—anything to get that rush of expanding my network. I stopped going to class; I stopped eating; I stopped sleeping. No time for that until I reached 500+.

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