Features  Published 1 hour ago

Hey Day 100 Is The Marketing Ploy That Will Never Die

Congratulations, new seniors! Get ready for a whirlwind of a year in which you do more work than expected punctuated by frequent YOLO moments. While us lame duck seniors desperately grasping at our last couple weeks here are happy for you, we can’t help but notice that your Hey Day seems eerily like a giant déjà vu. And no, not just because watching you cavort down Locust, Styrofoam hats turned headbands perched precariously on your drunken heads is giving us nostalgia for our similar actions of yesteryear. 

No, it’s because last year was branded the “Centennial Hey Day,” and yet, yours is too. Now, Class Board has kindly explained that last year was the one hundredth Hey Day event and this year marks Hey Day’s existence for 100 years. Which is great and all, but as an already vulnerable, irrelevant senior, I can’t help feeling a little left out to dry. Rumor has it that a few Hey Days went uncelebrated during World War II. How many classes will lay claim to being #centuryseniors? In a school teeming with aspiring consultants and marketing executives, we’re hoping for some future Hey Day rebranding. In the meantime, continue harassing freshmen to let you in the Quad.

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Features  Published 2 hours ago

Pro/Con/Pro: Studying In Your Room

We are in the midst of reading days. Some people may go home, others might board a plane to the Bahamas. But the majority of us staying here have to ask ourselves a most difficult question: where to study? VP and Huntsman are always suffocatingly packed, so we decided to hash out an age-old, though slightly more unorthodox choice: Your Own Room.

Meredith: My bed is my sanctuary. Why wouldn’t I want to study there during this dark and stormy time?

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Features  Published 4 hours ago

Where should you study for finals?

News  Published 04/27/16 4:02pm

SPEC-TRUM Might Be Okay-- We'll See!

It’s the last day of classes, and SPEC-TRUM is tonight, folks! In the past, the concert has typically occurred just after spring break, but this year SPEC has decided to hold it at the very last minute— so you have another reason to blow off studying for finals!

What’s the lineup like? Metro Boomin and Kamaiyah. If you have no idea who any of these people are, that’s okay— neither do most of us

But the lingering question we all have on our minds: is it going to be cold, generally terrible, and are we going to have to wait over an hour between the opening and main acts?

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News  Published 04/27/16 2:01pm

The 30 Most Likely Dignitaries Coming To Graduation

Last week, Dean DeTurck sent an email to all CAS graduating seniors stating that “due to a number of dignitaries who are expected to be in attendance at the College Graduation Ceremony, graduating students will be asked to arrive early to Franklin Field.”  While there is absolutely no way at all to know who these special dignitaries will be, UTB has the inside scoop on the 30 most probable dignitaries that will be attending this year's College graduation!

  1. Todd Palin
  2. Craig Romney
  3. Newt Gingrich
  4. Kim Jong-nam, Kim Jung-Un’s less impressive brother
  5. Raechel Ray
  6. Rachel Roy
  7. Rachel Dolezal
  8. Rod Blagojevich
  9. Ralph Nader
  10. The Cast of Knight Rider
  11. Aunt Jemima
  12. Kelly Ripa
  13. Zendaya
  14. Michael Booooooomberg, the ghost of Michael Bloomberg
  15. Nick Cannon
  16. Xenu
  17. Josh from Drake & Josh
  18. Dina Lohan
  19. Tonya Harding
  20. Billy Dee Williams
  21. Prince George
  22. JC Chasez
  23. The Hamburglar 
  24. Mary-Kate Olsen (but not Ashley)
  25. The Blue Man Group
  26. Squeaky Fromme
  27. Jeb!
  28. Salt N’ Pepa
  29. Pizza Rat
  30. Vermin Supreme

 Published 04/27/16 12:22pm

Shutterbutton: Pennsylvania Primary Day

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it probably has something to do with Donald Trump

-William Shakespeare

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Features  Published 04/26/16 6:00pm

Random Alumni At A Party

Your favorite feature is back to provide a laugh in between those silent sobs in your VP carrel, and this time, we interviewed an ALUMNI. He's a recent grad who is now getting his Masters at Penn – a salt-of-the-earth guy who loves a good lunch. 

UTB: What did you do today?

RAAP: Spent most of my day making a hand-crafted stamp. Then went to a nice mom-and-pop sandwich place. My sandwich had a lot of sundried tomatoes and balsamic; was a little too sour for my liking. Then played Settlers of Cattan.

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News  Published 04/26/16 12:38pm

Celebrate Metro's Birthday With Mediocre Deal

You might have woken up this morning thinking that today was just a regular ole Tuesday. Do you live under a rock? Today is no ordinary day, Quakers. It’s Metropolitan Bakery’s 12th birthday, and they're celebrating by offering 12% off all purchases! Unfortunately, this means you'll be even less likely to make the minimum to pay with a card, so you'll hold up the line while you scrounge around in your Longchamp for a couple stray singles. What a deal! In the meantime, we’ll be counting down the days until it's Metro’s 100th birthday, when everything will inevitably be 100% off.  

News  Published 04/26/16 10:32am

It's Primary Day In PA – so get out and vote! Find out where to vote closest to you here – there are polling places in Houston Hall and Hill House, to name a few. If you'd like to know more about how the Pennsylvania primary works, click here

News  Published 04/25/16 6:30pm

(Last) Hurrah Hurrah! Penn's Sexiest App Is Back

ATTENTION ALL SENIORS: Spring has sprung, classes are coming to a close, and now it’s time to make Penn great again. Last Hurrah (aka Penn Tinder for seniors) is back! We are currently T – 48 hours away from the relaunch of the app that makes seniors’ hook-up dreams come true. So gear up for the most unproductive reading days of your college career because you have more important things (people) to do.

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