News  Published 6 hours ago

Because FroGro Really Is All About That Bass

It's a bit late now to be talking about study snacks (thank heavens), but in case any of you are still kickin' it at Penn, be sure to swing by FroGro for a delicious bass or two. Apparently our favorite grocery store wants to advertise the freshness and simplicity of its fish department, assuring us that they're all about that trouble-free bass. 

Although marketing experts agree that the best way to sell a brand is by associating it with a picture of two dead, gaping fish, this advertisement does still raise some questions. What sort of person buys bass from Fresh Grocer? Why aren't these fish bass at all, why are they salmon? Was this potentially what Meghan Trainor meant by bass? What sort of troubles should we have anticipated in our pursuit of bass? No word yet on whether or not this winning ad has created a run on bass at FroGro, but it's probably only a matter of time. 


Features  Published 12/19/14 9:58am

UTB Takes yoUTuBe, Volume II: Christmas Caroling!

Remember when UTB hazed sent its freshman contributors trick-or-treating at Greek houses this Halloween? It was a noble effort and a worthy debut for Under The Button's YoUTuBe channel, but with only two frats answering their doors, we demanded better. And what better time to up the multimedia ante than the most wonderful time of the year?

The above fancy-ass video features our beloved 2018 underlings Christmas caroling at a solid DOZEN houses – from delighted Chi Os to bewildered Phi "Scis" to absent A-Guts. Do yourself a favor and watch the mostly-on-key singing (and occasional twerking). Listen to it on loop. Revel in the seasonal charm. Nice work, frosh contribz, and may all of our readers have themselves a merry little (nondenominational) Christmas. Enjoy this post-finals musical gift...happy holidays to all!


News  Published 12/18/14 2:24pm

Stephen Colbert Rocks Penn Gear

Perhaps in an homage to the University that named him the most informative news source, Stephen Colbert donned a Penn sweatshirt in the second to last episode of The Colbert Report. Although he wasn't as public as our last infamous sweatshirt "swaggist," Colbert's puffy vest could not cover the classic red font. No point trying to hide it, we can spot our apparel anywhere, anytime. As Colbert would say, "Hurrah for the Red (White) and Blue." 


News  Published 12/17/14 4:32pm

VBay Talks Penn Performing Arts With Seth Meyers!

Our GIRL Vanessa Bayer was a guest on Late Night With Seth Meyers last night, which is already pretty cool. Even better is that the Penn alum and her old SNL costar talked SMAC – a.k.a. Singers, Musicians And Comedians, a subdivision of the Performing Arts Council (PAC)! (Puns on acronyms, a UTB special.)

Check the video above to see the twosome chat extensively about Vanessa's years as an undergrad. She ended up in Bloomers – Seth's a fan – but she hilariously mentions her failed auditions for Off The Beat ("I think they're still around") and other groups which had enthusiastically recruited at FPAN. Ah, the age-old lesson she learned – hyperactive marketing doesn't mean they actually want you. Luckily, she was more than good enough for Bloomers...and the rest was history.

P.S. Shoutout to Seth for saying "Penn," plain and simple. He gets it.


News  Published 12/17/14 3:30pm

Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah...

Come light the (gigantic) Menorah! To demonstrate that they have the best Hanukkah swag on campus, students in Rodin have erected a three stories tall Menorah on floors two through five. 

Working with limited resources and appropriately stringent fire safety laws, these enterprising Hanukkah Harrys used tape and lamps to light up Locust for us all. 


Features  Published 12/17/14 2:08pm

Best of The UPENN Class of 2019 Applicants Group

On some random day 4 months ago (there were too many posts to scroll back) one Penn applicant created the “UPENN Class of 2019 Applicants” Facebook group, and managed to fill it with 1,400 members (including current Penn students…including us). 

We get that these young ones are excited to hear from Penn! We’ve ALL been there before– being anxious AF, hyperventilating in the corner, WILLING the clock to strike 5 post-meridian, and pouring every emotion into our respective Penn Facebook groups. 

And hey, we’re flattered! They think we’re the swankiest kids in town, and they’re right! But Penn students have a sense of humor and realistically, we take classes more seriously than we take ourselves, right? It happened to us, it’s happening to them, it’s the circle of life ladies and gentlemen. And it moves us all.

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Features  Published 12/16/14 6:46pm

What Your Finals Food Says About You

We're in the thick of it, Quakers: Thursday is only two days away, but damn, does two days seem like Such. A. Long. Time. Luckily, for your procrastination pleasure, we've rounded up all the "food" you've been eating this past week so we can tell you what it says about your sad and miserable lives. You're welcome!

  • Coffee from Mark’s Café: Nothing gets the Rosenparty going like some burnt ‘n bitter coffee from Mark’s. You hate Finals, and they hate you right back :)
  • Panini from Starbucks under Commons: Congrats! Studying for Math 104 has turned you into a legitimate psychopath.
  • Egg Sandwich from Bridge Café: Even during Finals, you still exercise good sense.
  • Pizza from Commons: You have 76 meal swipes left, and two days left to use 'em. Throw in some Goldfish-topped salad while you're at it!
  • Hill Brunch: That French Toast represents your last beacon of hope to make it through this week...not that you will, anyway.
  • Global Fusion Stir Fry: Sorry, but eating (questionable) "international" food will not help you get an A in Intro to IR. 
  • Chipotle Burrito Bowl: Splurge on the guac, because it’s Finals Week, and you deserve it.
  • Red Velvet Pancakes from Green Eggs: LOL, what Finals? You'd choose your lineage over your Linguistics class any day of the week. Plus, those 54 likes on your Insta will give you a much-needed ego boost.
  • Capo Giro White Chocolate Gelato: You're so upset about the downward trajectory of your GPA that you've forgotten how cold it is outside.
  • Vodka Soda from Smoke's: Not even Finals can get in the way of your SWUG lifestyle.

Happy stress-eating to all, and to all love and light!


 Published 12/16/14 2:39pm

Wharton Demands An Entire Hour Of Community Service: A Finals Time Hoax

Once again we're reminded that we have some REAL tricksters at this school, and admittedly, talented ones. They wanted to pull a finals prank. They wanted to cause uproar and confusion. So they did what us other students would only DREAM of doing/wish we had thought of first. 

They created a Wharton community service requirement. A ONE HOUR community service requirement. 

The worst part? Community service isn’t really something to joke about doing tbh, and the fact that there was backlash about one hour of it? Not what we like to see.

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 Published 12/16/14 12:54pm

Chabad Hosts Menorah Lighting With Mayor Nutter – Okay, so we know it’s aaaaallll the way on 30th Street BUT there will be copious amounts of free food to nurse your stress and (hopefully) a giant-ass Menorah. We’re not saying it’s the most SABSy place, but if you’re in transit, bored, or procrastinating at 3:30 p.m. TODAY, it could be nice to drop by!

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News  Published 12/15/14 4:49pm

Hoodie Allen (Possibly) Gives Out Marketing 101 Notes

Hoodie Allen, notable white rapper and not-30-best Penn alumni has a lot of followers on Twitter (even though we've been supporting him since Bagels and Beats). 571,000 to be exact, 95% of them consisting of hormonal teenage girls who tweet back frantically at anything he posts. With a Wharton degree and time spent working at Google, Hoodie is any Jewish grandma's dream. And, when he's not hanging out with notable ginger singer, Ed Sheeran, he even has time to give back to Penn students. So dreamy!

While we don't know if Hoodie ever sent out his Marketing 101 notes, we still find the above interaction quite hilarious in light of the last time we profiled Hoodie on Twitter. Stars, they're just like us – especially when they graduated only four years ago.

UPDATE: Alas, Hoodie confirms he couldn't access those notes from his past life as an academic.

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