Satire  Published 5 hours ago

Student From California Spotted Snorting Snow in the Quad


Photo from Wikimedia Commons // CC0

Jerome Mordan (C '21) had never seen snow until this weekend. The SoCal native, who constantly complains about the cold and lets his friends know that all things are better in Cali, was shocked to see white material all over the ground in the Quad on Sunday. Mordan had also never seen cocaine in real life.

Mordan, visibly inebriated after partying the entire night on Saturday, did the only thing that made sense to him. He snorted the snow, as it resembled the cocaine that he had seen in movies and heard people talking about in the bathroom just a few hours earlier.

Some Quad residents were shocked by the event, and they couldn’t resist wondering what was wrong with Mordan.

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Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Aging Professor Keeps Mind Active by Constantly Thinking of New Ways to Break Students


Photo from Pexels / CC0

Maurice Lewis has been a pillar of the Penn Anthropology department for nearly half a century. While he has no desire to quit his dream job, even he admits that the years are creeping up on him.

“I’m not the same man that I was in the '80s,” he sighed wistfully, “Back then, you could tell me an artifact’s museum call number and I’d be able to walk you there blindfolded. But my memory isn’t quite what it used to be.”

But Dr. Lewis didn’t fill up his office (and his TA’s offices) with departmental and national awards by being complacent.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Four Study Hacks You Will Not Use Because You Can't Stop Procrastinating


Photo by Rachel Fisher / CC0

Worried about finals? Here are four study hacks you'll ignore because you won't stop procrastinating.

1. Get exercise

Making sure you’re not sitting down all day is key to keeping your mind focused—I personally recommend attempting to swim the English Channel every two hours to refresh yourself. But instead of using this effective study technique, you’re probably in bed, watching glue-making tutorials on YouTube or shearing your neighbor’s lamb.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Sophomore Complimented On Ugly Christmas Sweater Actually Really Liked It


Photo from TheUglySweaterShop / CC BY 2.0

When Larry Michaels (C '20) went home for winter break after his first semester at Penn, he desperately needed to decompress. After an overwhelming semester with more lows than highs, Larry yearned for some of the simple pleasures in life. He knew that he needed to ground himself by spending some quality time with his family.

That's why when he saw a gift from Grandma Sheryl sitting under the tree on Christmas morning, Larry felt as if everything was going to be okay for the first time in a while. He gently opened the beautifully wrapped present to unveil a handcrafted, embroidered sweater and Larry’s heart filled with joy. While the snowflakes that Grandma Sheryl had knit looked a little precarious and the gingerbread man plastered onto the center of the sweater looked a bit... turd-inspired, Michaels truly appreciated the love his grandmother put into it. Those mistakes just made the sweater that much more authentic. However, since he didn’t want to look like a dweeb still celebrating Christmas in the sping, Michaels stowed the sweater in the back of his closet, biding his time for the next holiday season.

Eleven months later, sweater weather was in full force. Emboldened by Penn’s holiday spirit, Larry felt as if last Friday was as good a time as any to break out Grandma Sheryl’s gift. A warm wave of nostalgia washed over him as Larry proudly strode down Locust, sweater on full display for everyone to see. He’d never seen that many people smile at him on the Walk. They must’ve really been feeling the Christmas cheer.

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Satire  Published 12/10/17 11:15am

Student Kicked Out Of College Republicans End-of-Semester BYO for Saying "Happy Holidays"


Photo by QuinceMedia / CC0 

Josh Evans (C ‘19) was more than excited to have been invited to Penn College Republicans’ annual winter BYO. He had been trying to join the ranks of the Republicans for years, and he knew that this was his time to shine. Dressed in a “Make Christmas Great Again” sweater under a Canada Goose jacket, Josh was determined to make an impression.

He arrived and began making his way around the room, talking to anyone he could find. “I could really fit in here,” Josh thought. In one conversation, he blurted, “I stand behind the private sector and their ability to reduce poverty and decrease unemployment rates,” to an audience of warm encouragement and handshakes. Soon, sentences started taking too much time as he raced around the room to meet the members, so he simply uttered phrases, much to everyone’s delight. “Individual rights,” Josh said, and the crowd applauded. “Limited government” had them beaming with smiles, and shouting “privatization“ had the entire room on their feet.

All was going well until he said the wrong two festive words.

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Satire  Published 12/10/17 11:10am

A True Friend: This Student Acted Disheartened to Hear That Her Friend Scored Lower on Exam


Photo by nastya_gepp / CC0

The academic environment at Penn is prone to criticism for being overbearingly competitive. Forced grading curves, fierce competition for job prospects, and a toxic atmosphere supposedly discourage students from collaborating with one another.

Fortunately, one sophomore is showing no signs of getting caught up in the hyper-competitive atmosphere. When Jessica Briggs (C ‘20) first learned that her close friend failed an Economics exam, she absolutely nailed the reaction. “I’m so sorry to hear that!” Jessica told her friend. While Jessica was well aware that the class would be graded on a forced curve and that her friend’s failing score would help her get a better grade, she managed to suppress that happiness for a brief moment of consolation.

Her friend was reportedly wholeheartedly sold on Jessica's reaction, and thanked her for being so genuine. Jessica proceeded to remind the friend that she could raise her grade by doing well on the final. Even though Jessica knows that there was no recovering from a score this bad, especially since the final is cumulative, she knew that it would cheer up her friend.

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Satire  Published 12/10/17 10:54am

OP-ED: Use Some Fucking Chapstick Before We Make Out, Bro


Photo by frankieleon / CC 2.0

C’mon, Chad, it’s winter. The air is dry as hell. You need to use some Chapstick first if you expect anything to happen.

Look, I get it. You don’t want the other brothers to see you using Chapstick because you’re worried that they’ll make fun of you. But they all have the crustiest lips I’ve ever seen, and yours aren’t much better. It’s okay to free yourself from the toxic prison of hypermasculinity once in a while. Buy some normal fucking yogurt instead of brogurt. Coconut-smelling shampoo doesn’t have to just be for women. And yes, you’re allowed to shave that really, really hairy chest of yours. Sorry–I mean, please shave that really, really hairy chest of yours.

I carry Chapstick around wherever I go. You’re allowed to use it. Just please, anything to stop your lips from feeling like the end piece of a loaf of stale bread. You don’t even have to use Chapstick regularly. I don’t care. Just before we make out, you gotta use some. This frat basement is dark and nobody’s paying attention, so will you just hurry up?

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 5:09pm

​Amazing! Girl in 5 Inch Hoops Only Ripped off One Earlobe Over Course of Evening


Photo from Pxhere / CC0

Real life Wonder Woman Sarah Richards has done it again. After a long night of partying with her girls, Richards managed to only rip one of her 5 inch hoops straight out of her ear in a bloody and gruesome mess.

Richards, whose full left earlobe is now somewhere on the floor of AEPi after violently ripping it off during a "full on jam sesh" to Mr. Brightside, gracefully avoided ripping out her right earlobe several times throughout the night.

“At the BYO, early on in the night, I went to take off my jacket. I caught my thumb in my right hoop, but luckily I felt the tug and gently unhooked my hand from my earring. I really dodged a bullet that time,” she said outside her dorm in the quad, while blood ran visibly from her left ear down her neck. “I'd call tonight a success, for sure.” 

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 5:05pm

He Texted Me. He Loved Me. Then, He Disappeared.


Photo by Kathryn Rotondo / CC 2.0

Our story started out like any other. It also ended like any other. Regardless, it was special.

"U [sic] up?" he texted me one warm Wednesday night at 1:32 a.m.

"Yeah, why?" I responded.

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 12:05pm

OP-ED: I Finally Collected Enough Box Tops to Donate a Pencil


Photo by Howard Lake / CC BY-SA 2.0

For 5 years, I’ve spent countless days and nights with my trusty scissors cutting out box tops to make a difference in this sad, cold world. And there were good times and bad times. Times when I was discouraged that I could never make a difference, and times when I felt like I was on top of the world. Through the lows and the highs I kept going because I knew one day my hard work would be rewarded.

Today, that day has finally come. At long last, I collected enough box tops to donate a pencil. Am I a hero? Well, I can’t really say. But yes.

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