Satire  Published 04/21/17 2:44pm

Zedd Spotted Wandering Campus, Looking for Power Outlets to Charge His Computer


Photo by Ivy Main / CC 3.0

Students are excited for Zedd to headline the Spring Fling concert this evening, and everything is going according to plan. Well, almost everything. An unforeseen wrinkle in the planning process threatens to derail the entire show: Zedd's laptop is dead.

Zedd has been spotted walking around campus in a frenzy, searching for an outlet to charge his computer with. Because he isn't a Penn student, Zedd has been having trouble gaining entrance to many of Penn's buildings without a PennCard.

"I can't get in anywhere, and no one is helping... no one is even recognizing me. It's like there are a lot of other lightly bearded, rich European dudes on this campus and I don't stand out. It's incredibly frustrating," Zedd told us.

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Satire  Published 04/20/17 7:23pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 04/20/17 5:13pm

MERT Devises New Fling Triage System


Photo by Michael Chien / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Spring Fling is practically synonymous with marathon substance abuse and reckless behavior. Most students take the artificially-prolonged weekend as an opportunity to abandon all responsibility, but a brave few volunteer their time and sobriety to clean up the mess. While everyone else was busy designing fling tanks and cultivating enough mass to fill them out, Penn's Medical Emergency Response Team, better known as MERT, spent the past several weeks devising a new triage protocol designed specifically to address the medical disaster that is Fling. 

Under the Button got a firsthand look at how MERT plans to prioritize injuries from their post in the medical tent if—well, when—the Quad becomes the scene of a mass casualty situation.

Red Tag — High Priority

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Satire  Published 04/20/17 2:18pm

On This Day in History: Benjamin Franklin Invents Smoking Weed, April 20th 1753


Figure 1: A futurist re-imagining of the scene with modern-day glass blown bong. Edited by MJ Kang. 

Many woke up today excited about the 20th of April. Yes, the 207th anniversary of the Governor of Caracas declaring independence from Spain. Also the date that the Chicago Cubs played their first game in what is now today Wrigley Field. 

Beyond these striking historical moments, 4/20 is also a day that has come to be an international celebration of the drug called marijuana, popular with youths and adults alike across the globe. Inevitably around this time every year, folks start to wonder how 4/20 came to be. There are a number of origin stories floating around from the most common myth, that 420 is the police dispatch code for cannabis related incidents, all the way to the erroneous idea that 420 is the anniversary of Bob Marley's death.

The question remains: How did April 20th become 4/20 as we know it today? And, more importantly, how is Ben Franklin involved in all of this? 

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Satire  Published 04/20/17 1:36pm

How To Get Into Fling Events For Free Without Really Trying


Photo: File Photo / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Hey, are you a student who wants to go to fun Fling events but missed the Eventbrite link to buy semi-reasonably priced tickets because you have real things to do but now can't afford or feel morally opposed to spending upwards of $100 on wristbands from Sneks trying to make a profit?  Does this sound like you? Welcome to under the button dot com's fool proof plan for sneaking into overrated frat parties Fun Fling Events™:

  1. Get to the event at 6 AM and wait it out: Some of you underaged readers might have used this one at Smokes to avoid being carded. The same rules apply here. Show up to 4k4 before anyone has woken up. Wear all black for a dramatic, robber-like effect and also to seem sceney. Find a nice grassy area and stake out. Bring a picnic blanket. Hell, bring some champagne and cut up fruit. Live a little. You’ll be there for a while. 
  2. Tell the bouncers you write for The Odyssey Online and make them read one of your articles: They will let you in out of pity or fear that you will make them read more of your bad writing.
  3. Dress up like a girl and bring girls: They will let you in.
  4. Don’t go: You have exams next week. Like, a lot of them. Go home and study dude. 

There they are. Your only four options for enjoying Fling. You’re welcome!

Satire  Published 04/20/17 11:28am

BREAKING: High School Senior Gets Into All 8 Ivies, Chooses Cornell


Photo by 3dman_eu / CC0 Public Domain

No one could have possibly predicted this outcome. John Windsor, a high school senior from Hartford, CT, was ecstatic upon being accepted into every single Ivy League school this spring. His family was thrilled too, although they were not surprised - they were under the common misconception that smart people automatically get accepted into all of the top schools. To clarify for those who are similarly confused, very few students ever have gotten into all 8 Ivies. For those who do, most frequently they choose to attend Harvard, Yale, or Princeton.

Which is what made it so shocking when John revealed his choice.

“We were both sitting in the living room when it happened — I was reading the paper and Helen was scrolling through Facebook,” John’s father, William, explained. “He just walked right in and told us his decision.” William paused to blow his nose in an aggressive, fatherly way.

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News  Published 04/19/17 6:04pm

PSA: Check in With Your Employer Before 4/20

When the clock strikes midnight tonight, it'll be 4/20. That's right, folks. Like most dates, it only happens once a year. For 24 hours, students across campus will abandon their drug of choice to unite in the original drug — friendship (pronounced "weed"). 

We're a big fan of tomorrow. However, we also see ourselves as protectors of the student population and their professional endeavors so here is an important PSA: Check In With Your Employer. Make sure they don't need to drug test you in the near future.

You may have landed the perfect job in investment banking but before you go humble-bragging on LinkedIn, remember that there may still be one final step: a drug test. Some employers aren't as down with friendship as others. 

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Satire  Published 04/19/17 3:10pm

Management 100 Student Sells Fling Wristbands For Profit

Sophomore Coleman Terry, who recently transferred from the College of Arts and Sciences to Wharton, wanted to do something creative for his Management 100 project this semester. 

“As much as I would like to work for the American Red Cross and create a fire safety program for children, I simply don’t have the altruistic capacity to actually do it. I want to do something ruthless and cutthroat, so I can be prepared for my job in the real world.”

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Satire  Published 04/19/17 1:56pm

Twas the Night Before Fling: A Poem


Photo by Pixabay / Public Domain 

Twas the night before Fling, and all through the hall

Not a creature was stirring, not even a bong.

The fling tanks hung by the heater with care,

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Features  Published 04/19/17 12:47pm

The US Corn Crop Crushes Penn Admissions in Yield Rate


Photo by Alexander Savin / CC 2.0

Penn is a great institution but pales in comparison to corn.

Penn Admissions has been seeing record stats over the past few years. Last year, the class of 2020 had set a record-low admissions rate (before being broken by the class of 2021) of 9.4% and a record high yield rate of 68-69%. As impressive as this may seem, Penn is still falling way behind. Not behind Harvard or Princeton, but behind Penn's main rival, the US national production of corn. 

Sure, Penn's yield rate of 68-69% is a record high, but we are still getting crushed by corn. According to a report by the US Department of Agriculture, the 2016 projected yield rate of the national corn crop is 175.1 bushels per acre, also a record high.

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