Published 40 minutes ago

Local Fraternity Pawns Off Tchotchkes

Men across campus are rapidly selling off all their worldly possessions this week in order to have extra spending cash to woo Hermione when she arrives on campus. Local frat boys have been quoted as saying "Ya, she's like really hot, so like, I need that extra cash so I can pay for White Dog. Food there is hella pricey, but girls love it." 

Features  Published 1 hour ago


Your votes have been tabulated. Welcome to ROUND TWO. If you're just joining us, here's the deal: we've rounded up your favorite stories from this year and are pitting them against each other—it's like the thing they do with the sports, but better. 

Need a refresher before you vote? Here are the links to this round's competitors:  #StopTheFlyering, Usher at FrogroPenn Makes PlayboyCanada Goose TumblrNail in Houston MuffinPenn Dental GoProCross Campus Skiing, and Chili's Closing.

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News  Published 3 hours ago

How Do You Like Them Apples?

If Snow White didn’t get you to stop eating apples, maybe this will. We’re pretty sure it’s not poisonous, but tbh, it might as well be. Thanks, Kings Court, for being yet another dining hall to shows us that we really shouldn’t try to be healthy. Let it be known that #penncraves heavily processed, pre-packaged, arsenic infused foods and not whatever organic process is going on above. An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Looks like BS to us. 

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News  Published 21 hours ago

UA Election Coverage: Top Contenders Vie For Voters

As Penn faces another round of UA elections, UTB took to the UA debates to report on the pulse of the student body. The air was tense as the candidates prepped for the crowds of voters waiting to see them face off during the final debate for UA President and Vice President for 2015. The time had come for the student body to decide. The consequences would be crucial. Who would win the hearts and minds of Quakers willing to ask the hard questions?

As the humans at the front of the room jabbered on and the gavel banged to cut off their speeches, the voters gathered on the left side of the room to survey their choices: cookie, macaroon, or cupcake?

The chocolate chip cookies were broken in half, a smart budget-saving measure that showed their financial savvy. However, the White & Wong wrappers strewn across the table reminded students of hard times in VP when they had reached for a cookie of salvation and instead received a piece of crumbly and chocolate-sparse garbage. How will these cookies be able to convince voters that they won't be burned again by another year of UA inaction?

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News  Published 03/25/15 2:19pm

Sweetgreen Now Serves Salmon, But Don't Worry, It's Sustainably Sourced

Have you ever eaten your chopped kale while sipping your kale smoothie with your fellow kale enthusiasts and had a sudden craving for salmon? Now you're in luck. Sweetgreen's new menu, already available in stores, features sustainably sourced salmon from a fishery in none other than Patagonia, South America! We're excited, but honestly we'd be more excited if the salmon came from a fishery located in a Canadian region with geese. But still, this must be what it feels like to have your life come full circle and it truly is a gift. 

Other new additions to the menu include an umami grain bowl and a bleu cheese and bacon salad for your dad when you drag him there and he's like, "Where's the real food in this place?" But make no mistake – it is and always will be all about the kale.

News  Published 03/25/15 1:28pm

It's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's...A Huge Chain Of Frogro Bags?

If you looked up from your phone for once, you probably noticed this plastic bag tightrope between two rooms in Harnwell and Harrison this morning. There are a lot of things we want to know, like: who? what? when? how? and why? While we'd like to believe they did it using some complex drone maneuvers, they probably just started making two separate chains from each room, let them reach the ground, connected them in the middle, and then pulled it tight...which is a lot of work for something that probably already got taken down by the time you're reading this—not to mention, a lot of groceries. 

News  Published 03/25/15 11:42am

FINALLY, A UA Candidate Who You A Shit Those Little Sister How York To Make Your Life Better

↑  Watch with closed captioning on (hit the "CC" button) ↑

Ah, Bill Ding. Born a pun and not afraid to milk it, he gets the UTB spotlight every time UA elections come around. This time, he's the victim of YouTube's notoriously faulty automatic closed-captioning system. According to YouTube, Ding wants to:

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Features  Published 03/25/15 10:06am

ShutterButton: Fallen Franzia Tells Us How It Really Feels

When those kids run around wearing green all weekend and slap me until nothing is left in my bag, sometimes I just want to lie down on the corner of 40th and Walnut in defeat. F*ck it. You know, it's hard to be a bag of Franzia – all those awful rumors circulating about me. You think getting Kesha tickets is hard? Try spending two hours inside a cardboard box at a pre-Fling Beijing BYO. That's hard. What does a poison-filled ordinary boxed wine have to do to be treated with respect around here? I'm not a bad influence. I blush like a sunset, and I work hard to maintain my sultry red glow. But the worst part is this – I'm only a few blocks away from my home at 43rd and Chestnut. Will I ever see my brothers and sisters again? Please, send help. Or Kesha tickets.

News  Published 03/24/15 4:18pm

Costumed Heroes Here To Protect Our...Bridge

These Penguin and Nick Fury look-a-likes were standing guard (in Hunter rain boots, no less) on the bridge today, determined to protect Locust SABSers and bringing a speck of hope to all those trekking up the 38th Street Bridge of Broken Dreams. We can only hope that these costumed champions will help bring order to the chaos that is SPEC’s Kesha floor ticket flash sales, or try to overthrow Huntsman in a bit of a College vs. Wharton: Dawn of Free Printing situation. Thanks for looking out costumed heroes, but with Amy G strutting down the Walk, we feel pretty safe.

Chasing Amy  Published 03/24/15 2:01pm

Chasing Amy: CityStepping Out For A Little Philanthropy

While you were minding your own business, avoiding flyers on Locust like the plague, our benevolent queen took time out of her busy schedule to chat with members of CityStep. The Facebook event page for Battle of the Dance promises a ratchet time, and we know A-Gut is always ready to get down. Campus is divided on whether Amy will show off her wall twerk, or whether her flawless complexion will cause her to be turned away as underage when she tries to enter The Roxxy.

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