Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Wharton Junior Destroying Amy Gutmann in Game of Tag


Photo By Phil Roeder / CC 2.0, edited

“It’s not even close, to be honest,” Jeffrey Windom told us of the game. “Amy has been ‘it’ for over two years now. I’m starting to think she’s given up!”

It had all started during Jeffrey’s freshman year at Penn. When he saw Amy Gutmann for the first time on campus, she had been walking down Locust Walk with a group of administrators. Jeffrey had heard about her elusiveness on campus, but he was determined to ensure that this would not be the last time he and Gutmann interacted during his time at Penn. Thinking quickly, Jeffrey had hatched a brilliant plan - he would start a game of tag! If President Gutmann was anything like most of his Wharton classmates, she would be willing to do whatever it took to win the game. As a result, she’d have to continuously interact with him until she was able to successfully tag him back and run away.

As Jeffrey is a pretty bright guy, all of this occurred to him within the 25 seconds between when he had first spotted Amy and when she had nearly gotten to where he was standing. Despite the fact that he was wearing a suit and tie and holding a backpack full of all of his textbooks, just in case, Jeffrey’s impressive agility and spring-like reflexes allowed him to run toward her, tap her on the shoulder, yell “You’re it!” and run away before she could even react. It was a perfect execution of a perfect plan.

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Satire  Published 09/22/17 11:58am

Abroad Student Appalled That European Cafès Are Not in Black and White


Photo by Daisy.Chain / CC BY-SA 2.0

When I came to Europe, I was craving to experience all that the continent has to offer: easy travel, rich culture, weird ketchup, IKEA, and the true staple of European life, the Cafè. 

The Cafè, in stark, grainy black and white and thick as a stone with the smoke from a hundred French cigarettes. Slow piano jazz and the occasional mourning saxophone fills the air. An old man in a white linen suit smokes a cigar and nurses his gin. Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and Stein are in the back room chasing absinthe with Veuve. I knew that this exact scenario was awaiting me on every corner of every city, from Milan to Paris. 

When I hopped off the plane from JFK, I breathed in the fresh, Italian air and made a beeline for the center of town. I knew that the quintessential European Cafè was waiting for me, and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on an authentic double-mocha frappuccino with 3 Stevia’s and extra whipped cream. I could already taste all those ingredients masking the flavor of my coffee. I was ready.

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Satire  Published 09/22/17 11:31am

Unicycle Rider Finds Loophole to University Bike Policy


Photo by MJ Kang / the Daily Pennsylvanian

When Harry Riley (SEAS’19) moved off campus, he immediately bought a new bicycle. Although the main reason for Riley’s purchase was because his friends were really tired of hearing how long his trek from 41st and Spruce to the Engineering Quad is, he also wanted everyone to see how cool his hair could look blowing in the wind.

“I have really long, luscious hair and I’ve always wondered just how magnificent it would look as I flew countercurrent to the High Rise wind tunnel. It’s always been a dream of mine,” said Riley.

Riley, known equally amongst his friends for his ridiculous whims and for his negligence, had failed to read the University’s policy on bikes. As of 2014, the official Penn bicycle policy is that bicycles must be walked on campus pedestrian pathways between 8:30 am and 5:30 pm Monday through Friday and during other periods of heavy pedestrian traffic. 

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Satire  Published 09/21/17 6:43pm

Here Are the New University Guidelines on Social Events


Photo: Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn's administration recently unveiled its new set of guidelines for social events, in the wake of heavy criticism regarding events being shut down. The guidelines are reproduced in full below. 

1. All student groups must register any event they are holding, thinking about holding, or have ever held.

2. Registrations must be submitted at least four years prior to the event.

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Satire  Published 09/21/17 4:34pm

Philosophy Major Fails Statistics, Doesn’t Know Probability of Getting Job


Photo: Pixabay

Senior Julie Bryson, (C '18), says her Intro to Statistics is her “least favorite class ever.” This might be because she is on track to fail.

Bryson is a Philosophy major and a strong believer in existentialism, the freedom to define one’s own meaning in life. “This stats class is just a stupid requirement and has no meaning in my life. So I never go.” Bryson says she believes all statistics are fake, anyway. “A steady income after graduation will just distract me from discovering who I really am.”

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Satire  Published 09/21/17 2:39pm

Spotted: Seniors Playing Spikeball in Crosswalk While Cars Yield


Photo: Seth Fein, Elvert Barnes / CC BY-SA 2.0 (with edits)

Satire  Published 09/21/17 12:18pm

Penn Chalk Marketing Society Holds Inaugural GBM


Photo by MJ Kang / the Daily Pennsylvanian

"Do you ever see sidewalk chalk advertisements for events and auditions and think, 'damn, I wish my club members cared that much'?" So began the first general body meeting of the University of Pennsylvania Chalk Marketing Society. At the meeting, which was held on Tuesday evening in Huntsman F95, chair and founder Jonah Meier (W'19) spoke about his vision for the new club to a rapt audience of seven.

"I'm sure you've noticed a bunch of chalk drawings all around campus at this time of year," said Meier, referring to the countless student government and event advertisements scribbled on Locust. "I was like, what if you don't have the time or talent to make these sick, eye-catching block letters? That's where our club comes in."

Aiming to fill an unattended niche in campus life ("We're not just another a cappella group," Meier interjected proudly), the Penn Chalk Marketing Society (or PCMS) will provide chalk-based advertising to other Penn clubs. In this way, Meier hopes to level the playing field of campus groups. "I feel like there's this hierarchy of clubs here at Penn, and that's absolutely reflected in the quantity and quality of each club's sidewalk art," he explained. "We hope to change that."

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Satire  Published 09/21/17 11:10am

Sad! Junior Rejected From Internships She Didn't Even Apply To


Photo by Free-Photos / CC0

When junior Penelope Marsh (C'18) checked her email inbox on Wednesday morning, she found a slew of internship rejection emails - nine, to be precise. The incident, already depressing, was exacerbated by a baffling fact: Marsh did not remember applying to any of these internships.

"I mean, I talked to some of these companies at the career fairs last week," Marsh recalled, fighting back tears. "But I didn't realize that meant I was actually applying to them. I just wanted the free stuff they were giving out."

We spoke with a representative from RedEatsX, a Philadelphia-based food startup. "We had a very strong pool of applicants this fall," said Amy Brooks, who collected Marsh's contact information at the career fair in exchange for a free pen. "At these events, we get a very large number of interested applicants. Penny March - what's that? Oh, right, Penelope Marsh had a very strong application, and a cool email address, but unfortunately she just didn't stand out to us."

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Satire  Published 09/20/17 6:12pm

Club Members Excited to See Each Other for First Time Since Last September


Photo: The Daily Pennsylvanian

It’s going to be an exciting week for the members of one of Penn’s most prominent clubs.

Sources confirmed that the members of this club - whose name has remained hidden for anonymity purposes - are expected to have their highly-anticipated annual GBM some time this week.

“The last GBM was a blast,” said Edward Lin, President of this renowned club. “We talked about our recruitment plans, we added 12 new subcommittees to our 18 existing committees, and some of us even got to actually talk to one another and meet. Oh and Obama was still president, so that was cool.”

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Satire  Published 09/20/17 1:09pm

Missed Connections: September 13–20


Photo: Sam Sedor / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Big Brown Eyes

It was on Locust, between 39th and 40th. I was walking with my headphones in and not paying attention, but for a moment, I looked up. Our eyes locked. Yours, a deep, soulful brown; mine, also brown. I knew from that moment I wanted you. I'll never forget what you said to me: "Arf, arf."

If you want to go for a walk sometime, just wag your tail.

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