Satire  Published 19 hours ago

‘I Really Want an Apartment in NYC With Exposed Brick and Granite Countertops,' Says Broke Senior Plagued by HGTV


Photo by JamesDeMers / CC0

Mariana Rodriguez (C ’18) landed her dream job for after graduation. Well, it’s not actually her dream job, because no actually dreams of being a consultant, but congrats anyway, Mari! She’s looking forward to truly live out “Penn, but make it NYC” a la Tyra Banks and Amy Gutmann.

And, you know what that means: searching for a living space on which you’ll spend the vast majority of your mediocre income! Growing up rocks.

Mariana is just too excited to find her dream apartment to go along with her dream job. She grew up watching HGTV and still occasionally binges “House Hunters” while drinking a bottle of wine by herself. Plus, she has the BIGGEST crush on the Property Brothers! They’re just so cute and silly.

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Satire  Published 19 hours ago

OP-ED: Pledging is Bad But So Is...War? Is that a Good Argument?


Photo from Pxhere / CC0

So there have been a lot of hot takes the past few weeks about fraternity pledging and its benefits and dangers. While I know little about it, I still feel a burning desire for attention, so I will do my best to produce an opinion.

So here is my opinion. Yep. Here it is. Here we go. About to knock your socks off. Here. We. Go.


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Satire  Published 19 hours ago

The Savvy Stoner’s Guide to Hotboxing a GSR


Photo by Warateens / CC0

Midterms are over, and it’s time for some much needed R&R. There’s no need to relinquish your standing 4 p.m. GSR booking, though. Instead of railing addy in your study room this week, take advantage of the cramped quarters and stale air of VP, grab a study buddy, and hotbox your GSR with these simple tips:

  • Leave the vape at home. Hotboxing requires a thick smoke to work properly.
  • Don’t cover the threshold. The more smoke leaks out, the more likely it is that the VP staff will experience a pleasant secondhand high and refrain from killing your vibe.
  • TV rooms are your friend. If you can finesse a Huntsman GSR, don’t forget to bring your laptop! An episode of Adventure Time is a great way to keep paranoia away and assure rubbernecking security staff that everything going on is wholesome and academically productive.
  • Grab an iced coffee at Mark’s. Cold beverages will lower the temperature of your mouth and prevent your clouds from rising up toward the smoke detectors. Just because midterms are over doesn’t mean you should forget your thermo! Also, you’ll need drinks for when pussy-ass Greg starts coughing.
  • Ash, ash, ash! No one wants the Library of Alexandria all over again.

Satire  Published 19 hours ago

My Professor Still Hasn’t Learned How to Use the Projector, Please Don't Give Him a Gun


Photo by AlessandroSquassoni / CC0

The clock reads 10:33 a.m. My linear algebra professor stumbles in, wearing an oversized sweater and holding a Trader Joe’s tote bag full of decaying books. He glances at the clock, mumbles something incomprehensible, and shuffles to the podium.

In a thick, Czech accent, he gives a dry introduction to today’s topics and fires up the projector. Only, it doesn’t load. Dr. Prochazka gets down on all fours and fiddles around with the cords, and tries again. Still nothing. This process takes 45 minutes, until he finally gives up. Taking a quick glance at his slides, Dr. Prochazka begins painstakingly copying down the words, line by line, until the he makes recreates each slide from chalk.

It turns out, he’d been pressing the volume button to change sources on the projector. Classic rookie mistake!

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

Thought Your Job Search Was Hard? Meet the Junior Who Won’t Add Anything to Your Company


Photo from Pexels / CC0

Recent trends are clear: Millennials are not prepared for the workforce. More employers than ever are noticing that potential employees either have the technical training or the social capabilities for today's fast-paced work environment, but rarely both. Still, only the truly inept manage to have neither. Meet one of those guys.

Mark Roth (C '19) has nothing to add to the companies of his possible employers. Roth is a communications major who has a sweet start-up idea related to “socks,” but can’t tell you more than that for obvious reasons. A “bilingual” scholar, Roth can read Hebrew but has a 0% comprehension rate and has a fair bit of trouble with the “ch” sounds when reading aloud. His resume skills section includes “Excel” but when really pushed on it, he conceded he couldn’t utilize it in any greater capacity than as a digital “fill in the blank,” and definitely could not create functions with it. “I’m pretty good at finding topical memes, though,” he remarked.

Roth has little knowledge about big-picture concepts like the economy, foreign relations, and effective marketing strategies, in addition to struggling with smaller concepts like budgeting, using wireless printers, and knowing where commas go in sentences.

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Satire  Published 03/20/18 12:42pm

Watch Out! Professor Is Unaware of Upcoming Autoplay Video


Photo by Seth Fein / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Cool, your professor just treated the class to a YouTube video that pointlessly repeated the lecture material. But now he has no idea that in five seconds, a new video will play automatically. Watch out!

He’s already minimized the YouTube window and returned to his slides, completely and blissfully ignorant of the impending disruption. In just a few seconds, a loud narration from a tangentially-related video will echo through the classroom. Your professor will scramble, confused, while the class squirms with discomfort.

Some of your classmates mumble to their neighbors. Many have taken notice of the imminent chaos, yet no one steps up to warn the professor. They have accepted their fate, and would rather experience the temporary disarray than raise their voice in class.

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Satire  Published 03/20/18 12:36pm

OP-ED: Yeah, We Can Be Exclusive, but Only Because I Haven't Figure out Housing This Summer


Photo by greekfood-tamystika / CC0

Fine, I’ll date you. I mean, you don’t have the dreamiest eyes, or the broadest shoulders, or the most defined cheekbones. You probably haven’t hit the gym in the past few weeks (or years), and you smell like cheesesteaks and clam chowder. I don’t particularly like your beat-up running shoes, or your rimless glasses, or that stupid porkpie hat you wear all the time. Your music taste sucks, you pronounce jalapeño with a hard "J," and your sense of humor is absolutely horrid.

But you have something I don’t. You’ve figured out housing this summer. And that makes you attractive. Dating you will give me a place to stay for the next few months, and that makes it worthwhile. I can ignore everything about you that pisses me off if that means I can have a roof over my head.

So sure, I’ll date you for two months. But when school starts again, I’m living in Rodin, which is a little far from where you’re staying. I really hope things work out, but I can’t promise they will. Please don’t be disappointed. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore, I just need some space. Okay? Cool. What’s your address again? The movers are coming this afternoon.

Satire  Published 03/20/18 12:35pm

OP-ED: My Nipple Froze and Fell off During a Night Out. If Anyone Has Seen It, Please Let Me Know


Photo by Kat Smith / CC0

Last Friday night I drank a little too much, one thing led to another, and I woke up the next morning missing my left nipple. Yeah, the one over my heart. I’m pretty devastated, as you can imagine.

It was really, really cold, but I had grain alcohol, so I thought I would be able to cope with the plunging neckline I was wearing. Well, the grain alcohol obviously made me too numb—my left breast fell out of my shirt, my nipple fell off, and it’s been missing for nearly a week. I don’t know what to do.

There go all of my future dreams of starring in an erotic, yet tasteful, web series. Being painted nude by eager art students in Paris. I wanted to get both of my nipples pierced! What if I have twins, and I have to pick which one of them to breastfeed while I watch the other one die in my arms? Everything is lost.

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Satire  Published 03/20/18 12:32pm

I Spent 24 Hours in Fisher Fine Arts. Here's What Happened.


Photo by Smallbones / CCO 1.0

Hours 1-3: Wow! I noticed it's pretty quiet in here. I also noticed that a lot of people around me have Warby Parker glasses and messenger bags. Other than the one guy who doesn't realize his music is so loud it's bleeding from his headphones, there isn't much activity yet.

Hours 4-6: It's still remarkably quiet in here. Even more people with Warby Parker glasses and messenger bags have entered. There must be a dress code I don't know about.

Hours 7-9: Finally, some action! A lady just ate a granola bar—which is illegal—at her table. The security guard didn't notice, but I did.

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Satire  Published 03/20/18 12:30pm

BREAKING: Daniel Weisman Will Be in Israel This Summer


Photo by Dennis Jarvis / CC BY-SA 2.0

BREAKING—as of Thursday afternoon, Daniel Weisman (C ‘21) committed to going to Israel this summer.

This bold move comes one year after his gap year in the holy land. Weisman plans to spend this summer taking advantage of all that Israel has to offer, including “a drinking age of 18,” “falafel,” and “Tel-Aviv.”

Weisman noted that after the meaningful experience of his gap year, he had to go back. “I gained so much from my journey last year,” Weisman said, including friends from UDelaware and friends from UMich. Weisman noted that he also gained friends from Northwestern. “It was a really immersive experience. I also learned some Hebrew. Listen—sababa. I’m basically Israeli!”

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