Satire  Published 11 hours ago

​Freshman Has an Internship at Google but Always Pees on the Toilet Seat


Photo by Saksham Choudhary / CC0

Kyle Mallard (E ’21) astonished his professors and peers when he nabbed a coveted research internship at Google for this summer. But his achievement is even more impressive when you consider that he almost always pees on the toilet seat.

Kyle’s research on neural networks and machine learning has appeared in prominent journals. He’s even presented at several conferences. Yet Kyle gets at least a few drops of urine on the toilet seat every time he urinates.

Kyle’s work has advanced artificial intelligence significantly. “Put simply, I research how we can make robots learn,” he said. “Hopefully, I can learn how to pee in the toilet in the process.”

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Satire  Published 11 hours ago

Wow! This Kid's Peak Efficiency is Between 1:30 AM And, Like, 1:35 AM


Photo by Zginder (edited) / Public Domain

In a stunning declaration to all of his 17 twitter followers, Ethan Kroove (E ‘19) announced today that his peak efficiency is between like 1:30 AM and, like, 1:35 AM. This sliver of time finds Kroove fully focused and getting shit done like no other time of day. And while some of his professors have warned him not to wait until the night before to complete an assignment, Kroove just has to wait until 1:30 AM and everything suddenly makes sense. “It’s like, I don’t even need Adderall because I’m so in the zone,” he told us.

Kroove has always been a night owl, and even in middle school, he stayed awake late into the night watching Netflix and playing video games while the rest of the world was asleep. In high school, Kroove got most of his homework done after midnight, and spent the daylight hours doing other cool things like lighting stuff on fire and trying to catch rabid squirrels. Kroove anticipates that the scientists who will inevitably study him due to his highly unusual study habits will find that he has some kind of rare neurological mutation that makes him an unparalleled, very stable genius just between 1:30 AM and 1:35 AM.

“I don’t know for sure what they’ll find when they look in my brain, but I can tell that it’s gonna be a game-changer for everyone, probably.”

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Satire  Published 11 hours ago

Junior Marked 'Interested in' Event at the Electric Factory on Facebook, Now She's a Key Member of Philly's Underground Scene


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

When Rebecca Carter saw on Facebook that As the Crow Flies was performing at the Electric Factory she knew she was in. And by in, I mean interested in.

Carter has never listened to As the Crow Flies. In fact, she has never even heard of them. However, she saw that her friend Amy was going to the event, and Amy is super cool. Amy wore Doc Martens with fishnets that one time, so Carter knew she was the real deal.

Shortly after Carter hit that “Interested in” button, she saw her Messenger app blow up with PMs from strangers inviting her to basement concerts. Confused, she looked at her Facebook notifications and saw she had been invited to a slew of events, including a rally for punk rights, a “Not Just Food But Friends” animal activist meat market, and an open mic for poetry about Marxism.

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Satire  Published 11 hours ago

We Can Really Have It All: Student 'Still Shopping' For Classes Has Successfully Ripped Through The Twin Peaks Reboot and Gotten 8 Hours of Sleep Nightly


From Pixabay / CC0 

Sarah Tabbert (C '18) has not registered for a single class. She has emailed potential professors letting them know that she's interested in taking their classes (no response from the PSYC 001 professor, though). She's still deciding between a few classes. In the time between what others call "the start of the semester" and the end of add period — the real start to the semester for Tabbert — this Penn Senior lives her fullest life. 

In a sit-down interview with this work-evading master, Tabbert let us know that the start to the semester was going just as planned. Eventually she will need to register for classes to fill all the requirements she has been avoiding over the past four years. But until the day before that deadline, her horizons are clear. She eats a balanced diet, takes brisk walks on cold winter days, and has watched the entirety of Twin Peaks: The Return in a weekend, a stunning feat of endurance that questions the laws of what good TV watching can be.  

As one might expect, her strategy will go straight to shit once she finally registers for classes and finds herself weeks behind in every class. But until then, she has plenty of time to devote to Twin Peaks, eight hours of sleep every night, and her physical and mental health. 

Satire  Published 23 hours ago

True Fan: College Junior Preemptively Sets Car on Fire Ahead of Eagles Game


Photo by Mstyslav Chernov CC BY-SA 3.0

The City of Brotherly Love is getting lit. 

At approximately 6:00pm EST, Jonathan Pallis (C '19) set fire to a 2005 Subaru Outback in preparation for tonight's Eagles/Vikings showdown. "I'm just so hype for the Birds," Pallis told UTB. "I'm from Philly, well, Radnor actually, and I feel like this is the year we make it all the way." Pallis, a few Yuenglings in, then proceeded to rip his shirt off and scream "Fly Eagles Fly" at the top of his lungs before promptly offering to fight anyone for any reason. 

Some of Pallis' peers have complained that he may have been a bit early to the arson-party. And Pallis recognized these concerns, saying, "win or lose, it's my duty as a proud Philadelphian to cause property damage. I'm just trying to expedite the process."

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Satire  Published 01/21/18 2:44pm

Junior Attends Women’s March After Cutting 100 Girls From Her Sorority Last Week


Photo by Fibonacci Blue / CC BY 2.0

Yesterday morning, thousands of activists gathered at the Philadelphia Women’s March in support of women’s rights and deeper social change. Junior Christy Wolfstein, who carried poignant signs that read “girls just wanna have FUN-damental rights” and “a women’s place is in the resistance,” joined her friends and sorority sisters, Jackie Albright (C '19) and Lily Hempstead (W '18), at the march.

“We just believe that women should be bringing each other up instead of tearing each other down,” said Hempstead, who personally rejected several girls from joining her sorority Omega Alpha Kappa last week because they lacked a certain “spunk.” “All women deserve to be heard.”

The girls stayed up all night thinking up phrases such as “empowered women empower women” while discussing how much they lucked out with OAK’s newest pledge class this year.

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Satire  Published 01/21/18 4:34am

OP-ED: Have You Met My Menchy Grandson Jacob?


Photo by Rennett Stowe / CC 2.0

Hi my sweet shaina punem. You must be Esther’s granddaughter. Oh, you’re not? Do I know your grandmother? Oh, we’ve never met? Oh I’ve never met you? Or anyone in your family? Well, we’ll have to play canasta some time together won’t we. You’re so sweet. Isn’t she so sweet? Such a little sweetie.

I know you’re relaxing by the pool on your PenninBocaRaton exchange program from college, but can I interrupt for just a moment? Have you met my grandson Jacob? You know, Jacob is my menchiest grand child. Just a good kid. I think you would really like him. Oh where is he? Oh he lives in Ontario Canada and never plans on coming to the United States, but I’m sure you’ll meet at some point… he went to Ramah!

My Jacob is just so smart. He knows so much about what’s new. The other day he was telling me about these, um, I think they were called Yugiohs. He knows so much about Yugiohs.

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Satire  Published 01/21/18 4:23am

​Girl Who Just Got Back From Italy Thrilled to Return to Drinking 32 Oz of Hot Milk


Photo from pxhere / CC0

After a semester of studying abroad in Rome, junior Sophia Scutt has become accustomed to Italian food and culture. Her Instagram and Facebook boast filtered pictures of pizza, pasta, and, best of all, artisan coffee.

Coffee culture in Italy is very different than that in America: drinks are much smaller and far more espresso based. In fact, Starbucks, and all of its sugary sweetness, doesn’t even exist in Italy.

As much as Scutt loved showing off her cultural knowledge on social media, as soon as she stepped off her plane home, she headed right for a Trenta Caramel Macchiato.

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Satire  Published 01/21/18 4:16am

Student Who Exclusively Eats Allegro's at 1AM on Saturdays Speaks out About Supporting Local Businesses


Photo from Pexels / CC0

She’s almost easy to miss, but sitting in the far back booth at Allegro Pizza and Grill is junior Danielle Hough, an activist if there ever was one. And her valiant effort to keep local Philadelphia businesses afloat has not gone unnoticed.

“I just LOVE this place!” a seemingly intoxicated Hough proclaimed at Allegro’s last Saturday night. “And you know even though I only ever get their pizza here,” she went on, “they have a huge menu with fries and pastas and sandwiches, too. It’s never-ending!” Her excitement is contagious and her group of friends nod along with her.

“Danielle is the most generous person we know,” stated Lucy, a longtime best friend of Hough. “She loves helping any and every business, no matter the time it takes away from sleeping or studying.”

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Satire  Published 01/21/18 4:16am

'I Need a Fucking Break,' Says Student Who Just Got Back From Break


Photo from pxhere / CC0

As students continue to readjust to campus life and new classes, many are enthusiastic for the opportunities presented by a new semester. Others, however, are not as excited. Frank Vago, a sophomore in Wharton, was among the students that expressed a need for vacation after being on campus for only two days.

“I just need a fucking break from this place,” said Vago in an interview. “We should really have, like, a break after winter break. I think it’s something the student body should all rally behind, after we get Penn to divest in fossil fuels and do other more important stuff like that. I know I just got back from Mar-a-Lago, but I could really use another trip, honestly.”

Vago also believes that the university should fund student vacations to tourist hotspots in Latin America. “If we’re already paying $70,000 a year to be here, I think the school has some funding to spare. I don't see the point of a 1.2 billion dollar English building. With that money, we can all go somewhere nice for spring break.”

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