Features  Published 8 hours ago

President-Re-Elect Gutmann To "Drain The Swamp"

After extending her term (reign) as Penn's president, Amy Gutmann is making "draining the swamp" a cornerstone of her policy moving forward. To accomplish this, she plans to drain the Bio Pond and fill it with Washington insiders.

In a statement, Gutmann told UTB that, "this Bio Pond thing is incredible, it really is. The stoners, they go there, in big numbers, huge numbers, the numbers are really that big. They smoke weed. It's tremendous."

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Features  Published 10 hours ago

What's With Asparagus?

What's asparagus's deal? What's going on?

It makes your pee smell weird, that's a fact. However, only certain people can smell it because, apparently, the ability to smell asparagus piss is genetic. What's with that?

Is it a grass? It's not not a grass as far as we can tell, but It does have some definite girth to it that is not shared by other grasses. How did we first go about eating it? Who looked at asparagus and went, "I should eat this monster grass." What's the deal?

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 Published 12 hours ago

QUIZ: Are You A Good Roommate?

Your roommate may suck, but are you any better? 

 Published 12/01/16 3:26pm

How Many Triplets Are In 3hree Triplets Fitness?

Everyone on campus knows, or knows about, the Jones triplets. Aside from being identical triplets, which already sets them apart on campus, they're also all incredibly handsome, fit, friendly, and good at dancing. They were on Family Feud, where they dabbed on Steve Harvey with their lovely parents. They were featured on BET as "People You Should Know." Together, the triplets run 3hree Triplets Fitness, a fitness organization which hosts bootcamp workouts on campus so you can look at them and feel bad about how many crunches you can do (two and a half).

But behind the perfection that the Jones triplets seem to embody, there lies a startling truth. There are nine people involved in 3hree Triplets, presumably all related, potentially all identical. There must be two other sets of triplets involved in their fitness organization, based on the name. Let's break it down. 3hree Triplets would be redundant if it referred to only one set, because triplets already implies a group of three siblings. The fitness organization's name proves that there are 9 individuals-- three sets of triplets. We don't know the science of it, but we know the math-- PEMDAS doesn't lie. 3hree Triplets = 3*(1+1+1) = 3*3 = 9 individuals.

So what do the other two sets of triplets do? Are they in hiding, working behind the scenes to build a fitness empire? Are they all as jacked as Ahmad, Khalil, and Malik? Do they take turns posing as Ahmad, Khalil, and Malik on some sort of rotation schedule? We have a lot of questions, but one thing is certain: there are three sets of triplets in 3hree Triplets Fitness, which sounds like… a lot of triplets.

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 Published 12/01/16 2:42pm

Penn Can No Longer Afford The Tampons

It's no secret that President-elect and Penn alum Donald Trump has a less-than-ideal stance on women's health issues. We all knew that his positions could and would affect us, our loved ones, and many people on this campus. But we didn't know it would affect the campus itself.

A beloved if oft-mocked campus installation, the Tampons are a landmark on Locust. Unfortunately, Penn can't afford to keep them.

In an emotional address to Penn students and local news outlets, President Amy Gutmann announced the University's decision to sell the Tampons. 

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 Published 12/01/16 12:58pm

What Happened To November 31st, And Are We Living In The Matrix?

This morning, millions of Americans woke up expecting another normal, crisp November 31st. We got dressed and ready to take on the weird weather and the uncertainty that accompanies a post-Amy-Gutmann-sanctuary-misinterpretation world. Little did we know that we’d be blindsided by the arrival of December a day before we’d anticipated. Talk about pulling a Mark Ruffalo!

When asked a leading question about his feelings of shock and betrayal, anonymous student Sam Holland said, “After I survived daylight savings, I figured I was in the clear. Now, I’m one day behind with finals coming up!”

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News  Published 12/01/16 10:58am

Dank Bee Movie Meme Somehow Enhanced By Amy Gutmann

As some of you memelords out there may already know, youtube memes centered around the groundbreaking, Academy Award-winning 2007 film, Bee Movie, have been appearing at an impressive rate. Jerry Seinfeld's classic animated film has been giving the meme economy the boost it needed and the NASDANQ is soaring.

However, a new Bee Movie meme has entered the cyberspace and it's glorious. Brought to our attention by the grand Facebook page Penn For Dank Memes, "the Bee Movie Trailer but bee is replaced with an unexpected Amy Gutmann moment" is everything we could have ever asked for.


 Published 11/30/16 7:01pm

Gutmann: "I Meant Sanctuary, The Band"

President Amy Gutmann made a big announcement this morning, proclaiming via email that Penn "is and has always been a sanctuary" for undocumented students. In the email, she also stated that the various federal immigration enforcement groups will not be allowed on campus without a warrant. Without using the exact phrase, Gutmann has declared the University of Pennsylvania a sanctuary campus.

Or at least, she had. Amy Gutmann called UTB (the leading news publication on campus) to clarify her statement, and distance herself from the email.

"Members of the administration put that email together at my behest, but they fundamentally misinterpreted my point," Gutmann insisted. "I told them nothing more than to make public that Penn is a Sanctuary campus, and they went and wrote all that stuff. I meant Sanctuary, the band."

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 Published 11/30/16 5:06pm

Just Because It's Hot Out Doesn't Mean Global Warming Is Real

Hi everyone. You have probably noticed that today’s forecast shows a high of almost 70 degrees, which in some people’s opinion is “really fucking hot for the end of November.” As a result, some people think this is suddenly an open invitation to say global warming exists. We're here to tell those people once and for all: you’re wrong and we hate you.

For those of you who recall our previous newsblast about the strange weather, you know that UTB’s stance on global warming is that it’s a hoax perpetrated by President Obama (in contrast to Donald Trump’s views). We stand by that position and we anticipate that things will once again get real frigid when Trump takes the presidency.

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 Published 11/30/16 3:15pm

UTB Starts Food Delivery Service!

So, you've come back from eating a bunch of quality food over Thanksgiving break and see your own pantry looking pretty empty in comparison. You could always go grocery shopping, but let's be honest, no one actually likes FroGro. Good thing we at UTB are really expanding our services: we're now providing unlimited food delivery to qualifying members!

What you can get:

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