Features  Published 21 hours ago

How To Study At A Formal

We're deep into reading days, people. But of course, since we are the school that embodies “work hard, play hard,” we’re also well into formals season. So how do you have a great time without failing out of school? UTB has the answers. Try out these tips for how to study at a formal!

  1. Just don’t
  2. Tip a waiter to fake a coke scandal at about 10:30 p.m., so by the time the police come and (hopefully) don’t find anything, you can be home by 11:30 p.m. (Ed. Note: KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE for this one. Don’t want anyone to actually go to jail).
  3. Lipstick = dry erase marker. Bathroom mirror = white board. Get out your phone and do some calc practice problems.
  4. Convince everyone that the location is LAME. Come on, who hasn’t been to the Ritz? You need to go UNDERGROUND. Keep the new and exclusive location secret, make sure everyone puts on a blindfold after your BYO, and then carefully lead everyone into the best party location in Philly: the VP Library basement.
  5. Stay home but have your date FaceTime you from the formal so you can mingle/cram at the same time.
  6. Invite the smartest person in your class to go with you and then park yourselves at a small table in the corner (you know, the one where people are usually sucking face) and have a review session.
  7. Drink to forget that finals even exist.
  8. Stuff flash cards in your handbag/jacket pocket and have your friends/date quiz you (Ed. Note: This works best if you’re on a boat because then they can’t escape you.)
  9. Architecture final? Impress your date by discussing how the building has a distinct French Baroque style due to its columns and segmental pediments.
  10. If you’re feeling bold – cut the cord for the DJ booth, sit in the middle of the dance floor, and shout “QUIET HOURS.”

Happy studying, folks!

Features  Published 04/29/16 3:07pm

The Best Of Penn Free And For Sale

Penn's Free and For Sale page: a place of wonder and beauty that sends you 45 Facebook notifications per day. Most of the page is mundane but there are some hidden treasures within. Here are our picks for some of the best of Penn's Free and For Sale:

Everything in this room: For a dollar, this is a steal. Everything? Why? Are your possessions haunted by tortured spirits of yesteryear/freshman year? Does this include the framed pictures of your friends? Cause we'll take 'em.

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Features  Published 04/28/16 8:07pm

Books To Read During Reading Days

Reading days are here, which can only mean one thing: you have to read a bunch of books. It might seem hard to choose books during this time, because there are so many books, so we assembled a list of the best books to read during reading days. 

  • The Dictionary
  • Dale Earnhardt Jr. (Revised Edition)
  • Spanish-English dictionary
  • The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown (read twice)
  • Cleaning and Stain Removal For Dummies
  • Arabic dictionary
  • 600 Push-ups 30 Variations
  • Cheech and Chong: The Book
  • Might as well read another dictionary, at this point

Good luck!

Features  Published 04/28/16 4:16pm

Hey Day 100 Is The Marketing Ploy That Will Never Die

Congratulations, new seniors! Get ready for a whirlwind of a year in which you do more work than expected punctuated by frequent YOLO moments. While us lame duck seniors desperately grasping at our last couple weeks here are happy for you, we can’t help but notice that your Hey Day seems eerily like a giant déjà vu. And no, not just because watching you cavort down Locust, Styrofoam hats turned headbands perched precariously on your drunken heads is giving us nostalgia for our similar actions of yesteryear. 

No, it’s because last year was branded the “Centennial Hey Day,” and yet, yours is too. Now, Class Board has kindly explained that last year was the one hundredth Hey Day event and this year marks Hey Day’s existence for 100 years. Which is great and all, but as an already vulnerable, irrelevant senior, I can’t help feeling a little left out to dry. Rumor has it that a few Hey Days went uncelebrated during World War II. How many classes will lay claim to being #centuryseniors? In a school teeming with aspiring consultants and marketing executives, we’re hoping for some future Hey Day rebranding. In the meantime, continue harassing freshmen to let you in the Quad.

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Features  Published 04/28/16 3:24pm

Pro/Con/Pro: Studying In Your Room

We are in the midst of reading days. Some people may go home, others might board a plane to the Bahamas. But the majority of us staying here have to ask ourselves a most difficult question: where to study? VP and Huntsman are always suffocatingly packed, so we decided to hash out an age-old, though slightly more unorthodox choice: Your Own Room.

Meredith: My bed is my sanctuary. Why wouldn’t I want to study there during this dark and stormy time?

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Features  Published 04/28/16 1:29pm

Where should you study for finals?

News  Published 04/27/16 4:02pm

SPEC-TRUM Might Be Okay-- We'll See!

It’s the last day of classes, and SPEC-TRUM is tonight, folks! In the past, the concert has typically occurred just after spring break, but this year SPEC has decided to hold it at the very last minute— so you have another reason to blow off studying for finals!

What’s the lineup like? Metro Boomin and Kamaiyah. If you have no idea who any of these people are, that’s okay— neither do most of us

But the lingering question we all have on our minds: is it going to be cold, generally terrible, and are we going to have to wait over an hour between the opening and main acts?

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News  Published 04/27/16 2:01pm

The 30 Most Likely Dignitaries Coming To Graduation

Last week, Dean DeTurck sent an email to all CAS graduating seniors stating that “due to a number of dignitaries who are expected to be in attendance at the College Graduation Ceremony, graduating students will be asked to arrive early to Franklin Field.”  While there is absolutely no way at all to know who these special dignitaries will be, UTB has the inside scoop on the 30 most probable dignitaries that will be attending this year's College graduation!

  1. Todd Palin
  2. Craig Romney
  3. Newt Gingrich
  4. Kim Jong-nam, Kim Jung-Un’s less impressive brother
  5. Raechel Ray
  6. Rachel Roy
  7. Rachel Dolezal
  8. Rod Blagojevich
  9. Ralph Nader
  10. The Cast of Knight Rider
  11. Aunt Jemima
  12. Kelly Ripa
  13. Zendaya
  14. Michael Booooooomberg, the ghost of Michael Bloomberg
  15. Nick Cannon
  16. Xenu
  17. Josh from Drake & Josh
  18. Dina Lohan
  19. Tonya Harding
  20. Billy Dee Williams
  21. Prince George
  22. JC Chasez
  23. The Hamburglar 
  24. Mary-Kate Olsen (but not Ashley)
  25. The Blue Man Group
  26. Squeaky Fromme
  27. Jeb!
  28. Salt N’ Pepa
  29. Pizza Rat
  30. Vermin Supreme

 Published 04/27/16 12:22pm

Shutterbutton: Pennsylvania Primary Day

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it probably has something to do with Donald Trump

-William Shakespeare

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Features  Published 04/26/16 6:00pm

Random Alumni At A Party

Your favorite feature is back to provide a laugh in between those silent sobs in your VP carrel, and this time, we interviewed an ALUMNI. He's a recent grad who is now getting his Masters at Penn – a salt-of-the-earth guy who loves a good lunch. 

UTB: What did you do today?

RAAP: Spent most of my day making a hand-crafted stamp. Then went to a nice mom-and-pop sandwich place. My sandwich had a lot of sundried tomatoes and balsamic; was a little too sour for my liking. Then played Settlers of Cattan.

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