Satire  Published 13 minutes ago

OP-ED: Sure, Elon Musk Put a Car in Space, But Did He Get an A in Writing Sem Like Me?


Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC0

Everyone’s getting really worked up these days about Elon Musk’s (W ’97, C '98) big rocket hobby. Sure, I have to admit that putting a car in space is pretty cool and all, but come on. One Quaker to another, we have to admit that there are things more impressive than that.

You remember Writing Sem? The class that teaches you how to write—nay, how to think—like a cultured intellectual? The University’s truest litmus test for greatness?

Well, I got an A in it.

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Satire  Published 14 minutes ago

Student Unwilling to Code Excited to Spend Summer Working Exclusively in Excel


Photo by Robin Corps / CC BY-SA 2.0

Martin Turner (C ’21) has made the decision that coding is not for him. This realization struck him when, despite working for eight hours a day one day a week, he received his second failing grade on an assignment for CIS 110. Martin says that he knows he could turn the grade around "if he really wanted to," but he didn't want to miss the drop deadline and risk trashing his GPA over Java. He has literally never worked harder than he did for this class, and it just didn’t make sense. Not everyone is born with the innate ability to hack.

Although Martin happens to be one of the unlucky few to whom computer programming did not come easily, it hasn’t dampened his career prospects. In fact, he happens to have an internship at a Fortune 500 company. He says that he’s looking forward to spending three months poring over Excel spreadsheets. “This is the real data analysis,” says Martin. “You can find everything you need in an Excel ToolPak.”

Satire  Published 14 minutes ago

Van Pelt to Install Full-Body Scanners at Exit


Photo by Steven Perez / CC 2.0

Citing substandard security, Van Pelt Library director Bob Glass announced on Saturday that Van Pelt is planning to install full-body scanners at the library’s exit.

The scanners, purchased from the TSA, will replace a millisecond-long glance at patrons’ open backpack performed by security guards. Originally used to detect suspicious airplane carry-on items, such as toothpaste, the scanners will create nude renderings of everyone who walks through them and spot a stolen book 50 percent of the time.

Glass said he was disappointed by the method of security that Van Pelt has been using. “Security guards pretending to check your bags works pretty well, but it just wasn’t up to snuff,” he said. “Although only one book has been stolen in the last 40 years, we thought the security system needed an upgrade.”

Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:42am

Professor Forgets to Make Students Sit One Seat Apart During Exam, Class Average Still 47%


Photo by Xbxg32000 / CC BY-SA 3.0

Physics 150 students were elated Monday to find the proctor not enforcing the official class policy that seats during exams must be staggered. “Usually there’s at least some exam A and B bullshit, but this was the real deal,” gushed Tom Clark (C ’22). “I was taking the exact same exam as the guy next to me! And this guy was super nerdy. We’re talking thick-framed glasses and color-coded notes. I knew I had a shot for a good grade this time.” 

The excitement did not last through the exam. Students expressed that they quickly felt nervous about the test, as they were unable to read neighbors’ shitty handwriting and had come to the realization that everyone else in the room was equally as clueless about the material. When class met again Wednesday, this suspicion was confirmed by a big fat “47%” written on the chalkboard.

“I guess you can’t even profile based on glasses anymore,” reflects Clark. “My fault for not recognizing that they were Warby Parkers.”

Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:40am

Thank God! This Sophomore Definitively Ranked Penn’s Sororities to Make Up for His Tiny Penis


Photo by Aaron Hall / CC BY-SA 2.0

On Sunday evening, although nobody asked him to, Grant Samuels (W ‘20) created a five-point rubric for Penn’s sororities and managed to definitively rank them all over the course of fifteen minutes. Friends and family were relieved to hear Samuels had taken it upon himself to accomplish this important task, as it helps make up for his tiny penis.

Despite Samuels originally posting the ranking anonymously under the username “da truth,” it was later leaked to the student body that he was in fact the talented author. Reception to the post, describing the 200-person sorority Delta Gamma as, “full of self-obsessed uggos who are pretty smart but annoying as fuckk,” gave him enough confidence to compensate for his shockingly small peen.

A survey conducted by Penn’s Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life after his authorship was leaked found an interesting result: although previously 80% of female students on campus didn’t really think about Samuels that much, "except for that one time we did a Spanish project together,” now, a whopping 75% of female students on campus are always thinking about Samuels because “he’s so cool and really understands women.”

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Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:37am

​Engineering Student Builds up Enough Courage to Take Food Left out from Club Event


Photo from Max Pixel / CC0

After waiting anxiously for 30 minutes, checking in periodically to make sure everyone had left, Engineering sophomore Jared Brown finally gathered enough courage to slyly take a slice of pizza left out from the Engineers in Engineering GBM.

“It was nerve-racking,” Brown said in between bites, sweating. “The constant fear of being caught combined with my already-debilitating social ineptitude made for quite the challenge.”

Brown claims that no one saw him take the slice as he was in and out in under ten seconds. “It was all planned out,” he said.

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Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:36am

New CAPS Subdivision Just Screams 'Don't Apply' At Visiting High Schoolers


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn’s administration has suffered relentless criticism for its inadequate mental health policies. But that’s all set to change this month with the unveiling of a revolutionary new CAPS subdivision.

Project NOOOOOOOO (acronym pending) is a student led initiative that intends to attack the problem of “Penn Face” at its root. A small group of CAPS workers will now be trained to scream "Don't apply!" as a fair warning to potential future Penn students.

“You can’t have Penn Face if you’re not at Penn,” noted the project’s leader, Kevin Sengar (N ’21), desperately trying and failing to press a finger against his temple at just the right angle. “If we can scare away those poor innocent high schoolers, we’ve done our job.”

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Satire  Published 02/22/18 3:32am

OP-ED: I Carry Dante’s Inferno Around With Me at All Times so Everyone Knows I’m an Intellectual


Photo from Kaboompics / CC0 

“Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate”

Yeah, that’s right. That’s the text on the gates of hell from Dante’s Inferno. It's in Italian. Yeah, I also recite the opening lines of the Inferno in Italian whenever I meet new people, just to make sure they know that I know.

“Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita / mi ritrovai per una selva oscura / ché la diritta via era smarrita.”

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Satire  Published 02/21/18 6:31pm

Fuck Global Warming, but 70 Degree Weather Makes Me Forget My Existential Dread


Photo from Pxhere / CC0 

Can be honest with you for a second?

It’s been 4 days since I’ve left my room to see the light of day. All I’ve done this week so far is masturbate and ghost my therapist. But it’s fine, because guess the fuck what? It’s 70 degrees out, baby!

Don’t get me wrong, I really care about the environment and everything. And the fact that it’s literally summer weather in the middle of February is very, very concerning.

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Satire  Published 02/20/18 10:00pm

A Message to the Penn Community: ‘Just Checking In and Saying Hey!'


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

Dear Penn Undergraduates,

Hey guys, what’s up? It’s me, your President. No, not that one. But yeah, I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve just chatted. 

I guess I’ll give you a quick update on my life first. I’m doing great—better than ever after that Campus Conversation we had a few months ago. Isn’t it crazy how one hour-long conversation can fix all current and future problems we face on campus? Nuts.

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