Published 2 hours ago

Professor Warmly Embraces The New Year With Stern Email

Uh oh, another craazy professor email.This one features the most unwelcoming 'welcome back' to ever grace a SEAS inbox. Read it and weep...for the frightened students of EAS545.

Um, a few things:

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 Published 3 hours ago

Application for Fall Contributors Is Here -- Click this link to access the app to join UTB and submit by 11:59pm this Sunday! Email to confirm your submission or if you have any questions. #ClintonGutmann2016 XOXO, UTB

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 Published 11 hours ago

Let's Talk About Sex, Again

In case you needed some more specific information about Penn's much famed "hook-up" culture, this month's Cosmo has got the analyses you've been waiting for. Arielle Pardes (C'14), a former DP opinion columnist, was quoted in Cosmo revealing what exactly Penn students are doing when they dive under the button. Combine this tidbit with our "Most Polite" ranking and the profile of the typical Penn coed just keeps getting better. 

So now, when your great-aunt insists on asking you about the truth of "that sex article" at Rosh Hashana dinner, you can respond as follows: "It's mostly true Aunt Helen, except they forgot to mention all of the butt sex we enjoy. Can you please pass the chicken?"

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 Published 09/01/14 11:33pm

Fall Rush For New Contributors: Join UTB!

Breaking news: Upsilon Tau Beta is dirty rushing this season – and we know the ultimate pledge class is out there.

All Penn students – regardless of school, year or preferred campus coffee shop – are encouraged to apply to become a fall semester contributor for Under the Button. It's preferable that you (think you) are really funny, love to write, understand pop culture references and worship puns.

If you're intrigued, we encourage you to stop by our General Interest Meeting tomorrow (Tuesday) night at 9 p.m. at the DP offices (4015 Walnut). You'll get the real talk lowdown and editors will be there to answer questions for those who are on the fence or are seeking general life advice. (Don't listen to us.)

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 Published 08/30/14 3:27pm

Should You Go To Made In America? A Pro/Con List

We know the burning question on your mind: should you brave the masses and Philly heat and go to Made in America this weekend? It’s all good. We’ve done the thinking for you.


1)Classes just started and you probably don’t have much work to do (yet): Chapter one is always just a fake intro like “What is economics?” anyway, right?

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 Published 08/29/14 4:42pm

Penn Football Team Bros Out Over New Fashion Design

If you thought sports and fashion were apples and oranges, think again. This tidbit of breaking news is making waves in the athletic community – and it's all about a change in fabric color. Do yourself the courtesy of watching this minute long video (on loop), which was picked up by Bleacher Report (apparently an important sports website).

In the clip, the Penn football team goes B-A-N-A-N-A-S for a new alternate jersey, which is gray with red and blue stripes. The redesign is called both "crazy" and "fierce" by the players, who bro-celebrate the fashion switcheroo about as hard as they would if (they ever) won a championship. We love the new look, dudes. If you don't get drafted by the NFL, maybe audition for Project Runway.

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 Published 08/24/14 1:58pm

Penn Masala To Appear In Pitch Perfect 2!

ACA-BREAKING NEWS: Everyone's favorite campus a capella group is taking its talents to the silver screen! Penn Masala, iconic musical group and White House VIPs, filmed over the summer for Pitch Perfect 2, the sequel to the smash 2012 hit. The director? Star/producer of the first, Penn alumna Elizabeth Banks. Snaps 4 Liz (and Universal Studios) for throwing a bone to her alma mater in what promises to be the musical comedy of 2015.

They're the ONLY real collegiate group featured (and WILL be referred to by name!), but a capella superstars Pentatonix will also be in the flick, along with the original stars. Congrats, Masala, for continuing to inspire us. We can't wait to see you get pitch-slapped by the Barton Bellas – we'll be horizontal running to the cinema!

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 Published 08/23/14 4:14pm

NSO Free Food: Ranked

NSO is here and that means free stuff, like lots of it. Free food, free drinks, and free other bad things are all available. BUT let's be honest, food is the most important. While it may seem like your body is hurtling towards a freshman 50, do not worry. Commons will leave you dreaming of these frantic days full of free food. Luckily for you, we ranked the best to worst free meals so you’ll know what to enjoy and what to avoid.

1) Your Last Dinner: Your mother may be crying but you better enjoy this last dinner at White Dog. As you awkwardly make eye-contact with that girl on your hall whose name you forgot, be thankful you aren't the one spending 35 dollars for this organic chicken. It will still be the best thing you have all semester.

2) Convocation Dessert: TBH this event is literally run by barbarians. Where does all the food go so fast? BUT these little desserts are v fancy, v delicious, and the perfect opportunity to Chase Amy™.

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 Published 08/22/14 7:09pm

Alc Monitors Out In Full Force This NSO -- Several little birdies have informed us Greek presidents were warned of much stricter alcohol monitoring this weekend, you underaged drunkards. Rumor has it they wanted to keep it much more under wraps than April's pre-Fling frenzy, so oops...guess the potential disciplinary action will be less of a plot twist than they'd hoped. Then again, isn't this increased monitoring shocker getting old and nearly expected at this point? Play safe, kiddos.

UPDATE: We're hearing multiple peeps were cuffed last night, which ain't good. The DP has the legalese from the BLCE.

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 Published 08/22/14 2:59pm

What Your College House Says About You: A Comprehensive Guide To Freshman Housing

Today, thousands of members of Penn's most exclusive class ever will move in to their freshman year rooms across campus. We know it can be a stressful time for new students and their parents alike, so we  interviewed two upperclassmen (X and Y) to hear the inside scoop.

UTB: We  hear the #quadorbust line so many times from all the freshman. Is the Quad actually the best place to live?

Y: Generally speaking, yes. People here are friendly because its what they're told they have to do. It's close to Wawa, parties, and the more interesting parts of campus. Living elsewhere is a major pain in the ass. Extra points given for the fine architecture.
UTB: Oooh, that sounds nice. But what about within the Quad – can you give us some insight into the various houses?
X: There is a clear hierarchy of College Houses in the Quad. Ware comes in at #1, seeming to draw both beautiful people and rowdy socialites. Riepe – quaint and sceney – comes in at a solid #2. Fisher, usually the last choice of those living in the Quad, minus the Nipple, is third, but still lightyears ahead of Hill.
UTB: So, let's say I got put in Hill. Is my life over?
Y: Basically. You're going to have to try to make the best of the excruciating heat, poor location, and the smell of burnt meat in this College House. Proximity to the non-Commons Starbucks (and the alleged so-called "sense of community") is the only real positive here.
UTB: What about King's Court English House?
Y: I'm not sure what you're talking about.

X: Federal Donuts.

UTB: Together, can you give us one word to describe each of the freshman houses?
X/Y: Sure.

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