Satire  Published 16 hours ago

Junior Who Worked on Trump Campaign Disappointed That He Didn't Meet Russian Officials


Photo: Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

This takes workplace red tape to a new level.

College junior Matt Walker interned with the pristine and issue-free Trump campaign early last summer. While he found it to be a hugely beneficial internship, the best internship, he did have one major issue with his time at the GOP. 

"I'm just super bummed that I didn't get to meet any cool Russian officials," he griped to UTB on Monday. To Walker, it seemed like everyone else got to hang out with the Russians but him. He felt left out. "I get that not everyone gets to work directly with Russian intelligence officers, but I thought that I would at least get to hang out with a hacker or two. This is the Trump campaign, after all," Walker huffed.

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Satire  Published 05/19/17 2:21am

​Embarrassing: The Entire Graduating Class Showed up in the Same Outfit


m00by / CC 2.0 by-nd

Major Fashion Faux Pas Alert! Rumor has it that every one of the thousands of graduating seniors went to commencement wearing the exact same outfit. The crazy thing is, no one seems to know how this possibly could have happened.

"Honestly, I didn't think that anyone else would wear black," a recent grad told us, wanting to remain anonymous in order to protect his identity. "It's such a unique color that no one else wears ever."

"I'm so humiliated," he added. "This is almost as bad as when I didn't get matched with anyone for the Last Hurrah, just last week. Wait, don't put that in the article. This is still anonymous, right?"

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Satire  Published 05/18/17 11:55am

SWUG Graduates, Realizes She's Just Washed-Up Now


For Grace Diaz (E '17), graduating was bittersweet. Sure, she was excited to get as far away from Penn's campus as possible by working in New York City. But something didn't quite feel right.

Diaz suddenly realized— she was no longer a Senior Washed-Up Girl. Now, she was just washed-up.

We reached out to the former SWUG, current WUG, for comment.

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Satire  Published 05/17/17 2:53pm

Nostalgic Alumnus Fondly Recounts Peeing on Ben on the Bench to Family


Photos (with edits) by Kim Flowers, Unknown / CC0, CC 2.0

When Norman Fishman (W ’89) returned to campus during Alumni weekend, there was only one site he wanted to see: Ben on the Bench, the urea-painted statue on 37th and Locust. So, while the rest of his classmates enjoyed a picnic and reminisced about wholesome collegiate experiences, Fishman dragged his family to the spot where he once "heroically" desecrated an American legend.

“Right here. This is where I stood and let him have it,” Fishman chuckled to himself, pointing to the statue. “Just dropped trough and... pssss,” he laughed, pretending to pee on Ben once again. “Man, did I have some good times in college.”

Fishman’s family stood next to him during the retrospective episode, unsure of a proper response. “Norm,” his wife Kathy (C ’89) pressed. “Why don’t you tell the kids about winning that startup competition? Or becoming UA Vice President?”

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Satire  Published 05/16/17 12:26pm

Best Graduation Caps of 2017


We rounded up the best graduation caps from this year's ceremonies. If you disagree with our choices, you're wrong!

Satire  Published 05/15/17 1:13pm

Penn Security Discovers Trump Hiding in Bushes During Alumni Weekend


Photos (with edits) by Michael Vadon; Garrett Nelson for The Daily Pennsylvanian; Unknown / CC 2.0 by-sa; Public domain

This past weekend, from May 12-15, Penn alumni of all ages and privileged backgrounds gathered on campus to reconnect with former classmates and faculty. However, attendees were shocked by the appearance of one unexpected guest on Saturday. President Amy Gutmann made an impromptu presentation on campus, attempting to solicit money as a result of her heart-wrenching 2.7% salary decrease.

In other news, Penn Security officers were alerted to the presence of the President of the United States, Donald Trump (W ’68 (maybe)), who concealed himself in some bushes during the alumni picnic. Sources say Trump was attempting to avoid questions from former classmates regarding his campaign’s possible connections to the Russian government, and was also fearful some would dispute his reported 7.80 GPA.

So why did the President (of the United States) even attend Alumni Weekend?

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Satire  Published 05/10/17 3:42pm

BREAKING: James Comey to Head Penn's Fight Against Off-Campus Organizations


Photo by Rich Girard / CC BY-SA 2.0

Only a day after he was fired by the Trump administration, former F.B.I. director James Comey has already found new employment. 

Maureen Rush, Vice President for Public Safety and Superintendent of Penn Police, delivered a prepared statement announcing the selection of James Comey as Director of Off-Campus Investigation on Wednesday afternoon. 

"As time passes, the needs of the Penn community change. We have been successful in reducing crime and making campus a less dangerous place, but now it's time to refocus and accept a larger responsibility to keep Penn students safe. As we all know, off-campus organizations represent a major threat to the wellbeing of Penn students. For that reason, we are bringing in former Director of the F.B.I. James Comey to serve as the new Director of Off-Campus Investigation."

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Satire  Published 05/09/17 3:35pm

Slowest Penn Relays Runner Finally Crosses Finish Line


Photo: Ilana Wurman / The Daily Pennsylvanian

It took almost two weeks for runner Blake Claras to cross the finish line-- a new record in his event, the 10,000-meter run. The record, unfortunately, is for the slowest recorded time. When he finished, he was the only person still participating in a Penn Relays event

Claras, a rising junior at the University of Northern North Carolina, began the race on the morning of April 27th in Franklin Field. He finished at 12:44 pm on May 9th, stopping the timer at slightly more than 12 days.

On his way to completing the 10,000-meter race (equivalent to two 5k races, or about 6.2 miles), Claras says that he tried to make a quick pit stop, but ended up getting sidetracked.

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Satire  Published 05/08/17 4:42pm

Fraternity Brother Proud to Have Completed Two Hours of Community Service This Year


Photo by Clinton Steeds / CC 2.0

As the year ends and finals season comes to a close, many students take a moment to reflect on their year at Penn. Some celebrate their own academic success, new friends they made, or their personal growth. Others, like College sophomore Ben Stincott, are a bit more selfless.

"Looking back, I think I'm most proud of the work I did serving the community alongside my brothers," said Stincott, a member of on-campus fraternity Lambda Omega Lambda. "There really is no feeling like helping those who need it."

Stincott, who spent a total of two hours in the last two semesters doing community service, says that volunteering is incredibly important to him. "In 12th grade I volunteered at a soup kitchen once, because I had to as punishment after I got in a fight in gym class, but also because I wanted to. It really changed the way I perceived things — I was like, wow, being poor sucks. Ever since, I knew I needed to help those less fortunate than me."

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Satire  Published 05/01/17 12:19pm

Atlanta Falcons Waive Alek Torgersen After Discovering He Doesn't Go to Penn State


Photo: Corey Fader / 34th Street Magazine

A tough break for one of the all-time Ivy League greats.

Only days after the Atlanta Falcons signed Penn quarterback Alek Torgersen as an undrafted free agent, the NFL team has announced that they will be waiving the talented senior. A spokesperson for the team sent us a press release:

"We were prepared to welcome Mr. Torgersen into the program with open arms, and were excited for the future. Unfortunately, there was a miscommunication somewhere and we recently found out that Mr. Torgersen attends the University of Pennsylvania, a school entirely unaffiliated with Pennsylvania State University, commonly known as Penn State. It appears that the University of Pennsylvania is sometimes referred to as Penn, which led us to erroneously believe that Mr. Torgersen played for the well-known Nittany Lions.

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