Satire  Published 02/18/17 1:27pm

Joe Biden Attempts to Make PennKey, Finds "biden" Already Taken


Photo: Susanna Jaramillo / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Serving as vice president of the United States is tough. But selecting a viable PennKey is far harder. Shortly after facing rejection from eight Wharton clubs, former Vice President Joe Biden recently ran into another roadblock in his transition to Penn: the PennKey "biden" was already taken.

"I just got all these weird options," said a bemused Biden. "I had to pick from terrible stuff like bijo and josbi. And that's not even the stuff including my middle name, like jorobi, robibi, and brob." Biden's middle name is Robinette.

Although several of his family members have attended Penn, Biden had specifically told them to save the biden PennKey for him, citing a general dibs on all things Biden. "When my granddaughter started at Penn, she wanted hers to be 'biden,'" Biden told us. "But I said no. I called that PennKey since before she was born. I’m the OG Biden."

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News  Published 02/17/17 4:00pm

Group Of Junior Girls Celebrate A 21st Birthday


/ Pinterest

This past Sunday night, Christina Preston (C'18) received a group text from her friends to meet at 41st and Pine at 11:30 PM. They were to celebrate Junior Katie Reilley's 21st birthday. Plans for the night included Smirnoff "Icing" Reilley at her house after taking a couple hundred photos of Reilley posing with 66 inch long gold balloons in the shape of the numbers 2 and 1. 

"The balloons were a bit challenging. Katie has extremely poor eyesight and a bad memory, which is why we needed the 66 inch sized balloons. That way she could constantly be reminded what age she was turning throughout the night," Preston explained. The sheer size of the balloons caused some problems, though. We blew them up outside of Katie's house, so we couldn't actually transport them anywhere. Instead, we took pictures of Katie with the balloons outside, so there were several West Philadelphia residents photobombing all of the pictures." 

One of the girls in the group, who wished to remain anonymous, remarked that Reilley "tried to crop the photo-bombers out of the photos, but actually cut out the number 2 in the photos." Worried that her social media followers would think that she only turned age 1, Reilley decided not to Instagram any of the pictures. "You didn't hear it from me, but I think the real reason she didn't want to gram the photos is because the static from the balloons messed with her blow out. It really put a damper on the night," said the anonymous source.

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 Published 02/17/17 3:00pm

UTB Reviews: Two-Hour Intro To Beekeeping Workshop 2017


/ Philadelphia Beekeepers Guild

**note: Although the event has yet to take place, we weren’t planning on going anyways, so this premature review should suffice.

The latest in UTB reviews sent us to the Francis Cope House for a Two-Hour Intro to Beekeeping Workshop, hosted by the Philadelphia Beekeepers Guild. Before heading to the event, we did some research to be a little more prepared on what to expect: Though the Philadelphia Beekeepers Guild has but one written review on Facebook, it’s a rave: the reviewer denoted it as the “Best Bee Club in Philadelphia! Really. It is.” Immediately, we were convinced. We packed up our protective gear and headed out.

Upon arriving at the event, we were greeted by the President of the Guild, who introduced himself as Don Shump. UTB collapsed into a fit of giggles at this classic parody of Donald Trump’s name, followed shortly thereafter by 45 seconds of awkward silence as we realized that was his real name. We quickly apologized and shook his hand, which was rather wet, probably because he washed his hands recently.

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Satire  Published 02/17/17 2:15pm

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day


Photo: Meredith Mitchell / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 02/17/17 1:21pm

Help! My Boyfriend Took One Andrew Lamas Class And Now He's A Communist


/ Public Domain

Everyone listen. I have a serious problem. My boyfriend took one Urban Studies course with celebrated professor Andrew Lamas, and now he's a communist. It was like, one week into "Liberation and Ownership" and the phrases "ethical consumers" and "down with the bourgeoisie" suddenly became wildly frequent elements of his vocabulary. I mean it's fine, but now every time someone says "capitalism" or "free market" in a sentence at dinner he just yells into his hands really loudly and gets a rash. And it's only getting worse. I was in his room the other day, and I saw a marked-up copy of "The Poverty of Philosophy" lying face down on his bed, and he's purging all his old clothing and only wearing red now. He always refers to the New York Times or CNN as "the media conglomerates" and only reads from sites like "US Uncut" and "The Other 98%". Last weekend I proposed we take a weekend trip together and stay at a nice hotel in the Poconos, but he got really upset and yelled at me, saying I was just one cog in the machine, and suggested we go to a campground instead and pitch a tent out of old bedsheets. It's crazy.

I don't know what to do. If this all ends badly, I'm blaming the Sociology department. All I want is to talk about the advantages of Uber vs Lyft without being scolded. Alas. A girl can only dream.

Satire  Published 02/17/17 12:39pm

Governor Tom Wolf Hates Horse Masturbation (Or Does It Himself)


Photo: Seth Fein / Animal Planet, Twitter @AngryTomWolf

Times are tough at the School of Veterinary Medicine. In his new budget proposal, Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf proposed a $30 million cut in state funding to the Vet School, infamous for its regular collection of semen from stallions for reproductive and research purposes. Even though Penn is a private university, certain higher-education programs in Pennsylvania, like the Vet School, receive funding from the Commonwealth. (Ed. note: The Vet School does other things besides masturbate horses. But, because those things are not masturbating horses they are unimportant.)

We ask Gov. Wolf: why do you hate horses and the collection of their reproductive fluids? Do you have a conflict of interest, such as your own semen collection facility? Where is this facility located? Do you masturbate the horses yourself, or pay others to do it? And is that really a good use of taxpayers' money?

Many say that the Vet School reinvented the wheel when they applied their artificial vagina weight (AVW) to the penis of a stallion in order to harvest semen. If that wasn’t enough, the school itself is an A-list celebrity. After all it was the subject of a highly successful Animal Planet series. We reached out to our friend Max, a recent Vet School graduate and star on the show, for a comment but he was too busy masturbating a horse to respond. Sources close to the dedicated horse semen collector say he’s devastated.

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Satire  Published 02/16/17 3:16pm

Narcolepsy Cookies Coming to Penn


Photo: Mj Kang / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Insomnia Cookies, founded in 2003 by then-Penn student Seth Berkowitz, has been a massive success. In fact, the chain opened its hundredth store late last year. The company's brand is simple: they serve and deliver cookies until 3 am, later than most businesses stay open, hence the name.

Now, the brand is diversifying. "It's great to have the reliability of Insomnia Cookies," Berkowitz told us, "but some people want a little more excitement, a little more uncertainty in their cookie experience. To cater to this growing market, we are introducing Narcolepsy Cookies."

Narcolepsy Cookies will serve the exact same cookies as its Insomnia counterpart; the only difference will be its hours of operation. “Narcolepsy Cookies will open and close whenever it pleases, without warning,” said Berkowitz. “Literally, it could close at any moment, for any period of time. Even if you've already ordered a cookie and they're just getting it for you, it might close and you'll be out of luck. Even I don't know when it’s going to open and close; we’re going to use an algorithm.”

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Satire  Published 02/16/17 1:26pm

UTB Reviews: Penn InTouch Condoms


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

When the Class of 2019 got word via a Class Board email that Penn InTouch-themed condoms would be distributed on Locust Walk Thursday, many students were aroused by the mere idea. We at Under The Button got pretty excited as well, and decided to put the latex portals to the test. What better way to get InTouch with our student bodies than by doing the deed Quaker-style?

The first thing we noticed about the device was that it had some serious capacity issues. When several testers tried to use it at once, the whole thing completely broke. It simply could not handle a large user load. Right when we needed that condom most, it left us with Red and Blue-balls.

Once traffic calmed down, however, things were mostly smooth-sailing. A few testers had trouble getting in on the first attempt and had to re-enter their “credentials.” Luckily, the packaging provided some friendly pointers (“Is [caps lock] on?”) and everyone was finally able to get it on the second or third go-around.

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News  Published 02/16/17 12:18pm

Is The Statesman DTF? An Investigation


Photo: David Akst / Twitter, Romeo and Juliet

We at UTB were feeling the love on Valentine's Day and decided to send our favorite publication, The Statesman, a love letter through the DP. For years now, we've had kind of a crush on The Statesman. After all, they are on the RIGHT side of the story. We decided it was time to make the first move. Below is our flirtatious first encounter.

Our hearts pounding, we awaited their response.

At first, we were puzzled. Our crush made a seemingly-arbitrary comment about the US economy while we were trying to hit on them, perplexing even our most seasoned romantics. We paced the room for a while, and eventually called our friends for help decoding the message. We asked Street for advice and, while they weren't sure what The Statesman meant, they offered us words of encouragement and assured us that we are strong and beautiful. We called the DP, whose leadership didn't care. 

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Satire  Published 02/16/17 10:20am

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Photo: Amanda Nart / The Daily Pennsylvanian

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