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Satire  Published 07/06/18 2:15pm

Wow! This Frat Guy Who Played FIFA Once Knows More About the World Cup Than You!

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Photo from GWR / CC 2.0


They say it's tough to be internationally conscious nowadays. For renowned frat star Ben Thomas (W '19), however, all it takes to become a true global citizen and soccer aficionado is a few games of FIFA 18. 

Thomas, who has recently placed 3rd in a frat-wide FIFA tournament, harnessed his intellectual brilliance to memorize the names of as many soccer players as possible so that he could sound intelligent when discussing the World Cup.

"I know as much about soccer as Harry Kane knows about scoring goals!" remarked Thomas, discussing the recent matches in Russia. "Don't cry if you realize I'm smarter than you though, because then I might mistake you for Neymar! Hah! Get it...?"

When he's not showing off his knowledge of players, Thomas can also be spotted listing detailed soccer formations that he read on the FIFA home screen once. "I think Argentina should have played a 4-3-3, but then France might have played with a 3-2-3-2 and we all know how scary that is," remarked Thomas, whose last experience with a real soccer ball was in the third grade. 

As further reports indicate that Thomas has slowly adopted a British accent and has begun referring to his frat bros as "wankers" and soccer as "football," we sincerely hope he realizes the difference when the NFL season kicks off. 

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